Hi rachaelwillson1. Firstly, welcome to YWS! Anyways, here to review as requested!

Nitpicks in the spoiler:

Spoiler

Her hair whisked around my face, caressing my high cheekbones and prominent chin, like a mother would a newborn baby.

I think it's quite weird that you're comparing a passionate kiss to 'a mother and a newborn baby.' I don't know, I just think it seems like a bit of a strange comparison.

After so long I knew this was the moment it was supposed to happen

To need her to fill the gap the...the...I felt myself welling up; memories of everything flooding back into my head like a tape stuck on a loop it played over and over again.

An almost grown man crying.

The time I was supposed to fall in love with her and, don't get me wrong, she was beautiful. Even in the twilight almost darkness, her skin glistened pale and her hair balanced the cold with the heat of a welcoming fire in the cool breezy evening.

She looked like autumn

What does this mean? Expand!

I felt your eyes on the back of my head watching the scene with strange anticipation, waiting for my decision, my reaction.

Who's eyes? You seem to have switched person here....

Now, onto the review. Okay, so I'll start off with the things I liked. Firstly, i think your idea behind this story is very good because it's about this relationship where violence is involved yet the girl seems to be completely okay with it? This raises a lot of interesting questions. I also liked your characters, however, sometimes I didn't really understand why they were doing certain things. (I'll talk about this later on) However, what I did like about your characters is that they were quite unique, like I said, she seems okay with this violence? Why? As long as you come up with a good reason later on in the story i think this is a very good beginning.

As for improvements I think there were quite a few. Firstly, I didn't really understand what was going on a lot of the time; and like where they were. What was the setting? Maybe you could describe the setting a bit more to give us as the readers more imagery. Also, just explaining things better, I just don't think it was very clear a lot of the time. So just try and explain things slightly better. Use this to help you: Where are they? Why are they there? Who is the guy? Who is the girl? Just any sort of background information would be great at pushing this story along further.

Now, the MC is slightly... strange. Now, I want to know why he's reverting to violence. I think it's perfectly fine that he is, but why? Again, everything is a bit waffley in that are because you haven't really explained it properly. I think you need to add more backstory to these characters so we can fully understand why they are doing things because right now it just seems they're doing things to the convenience of the reader and the plot. Also, the plot isn't really shown here, all I've learnt from this is that he hits her. But what else is happening/going to happen?

I think that this has got lots of potential but you really need to make things more clear as to what's going on. Add some interesting backstories about your characters so we can understand them and even possibly relate to them slightly more. I'd also like to learn more about this girl, maybe add some more interesting descriptions of her, also in this chapter, she hasn't really done much.

I hope this review helped! PM me with questions or if you'd like another review.

Keep Writing!
-Arc