Young Writers Society

rubbish.

Words appear to me,
connotated smiles,

clashing with scripted frowns,
all disguised under
translucent
ink.

Hi there, Epicdonkalous ^-^ and Happy Review Day!
I say this to everybody, but feel free to ask me to review anything at any time ^-^ I genuinely don’t mind. I also help with editing, it’s sort of my forte, so if you’re ever uncertain about your work or have over read a piece, you can have me examine it and I’ll do my best to give advice and whatnot.
Anyhoo! Initially, I think the bold text is distracting. I’d advise you to remove the boldness from it, and it would look and read a lot better ^-^
And, err, “connotated”? Is that a word?
Overall I find this piece to be short and without much of a point. If you had enscripted some deeper meaning to it, the length wouldn’t have matter. But given that there isn’t any “Point” or “deeper meaning”, I don’t understand the point of writing it? What were you trying to say with this piece??
Anyhoo, Do your best and good luck with your writing.
^-^ ~Catnip

You say tear to bits, I say bravo! It is a very distinguished poem in my eyes. Other simply look at the length of the poem, not the poem itself. Your use of the word translucent is spot on, my friend. Keep it up! You have all the time you need!

In the heart of tearing it to bits I shall do my best <3

For the style you have something unique which I'm not sure is useful in the long run, a completely bolded poem. The point of bold text is to really emphasize something, but when everything is emphasized, well, it turns into looking for water in the middle of the ocean, or standing in the middle of a forest to enjoy green, you're overwhelmed and it becomes mundane pretty quickly. Because of that I think you could leave it unbolded and the poem would have the same effect. The interesting thing would be if you just bolded parts of it such as the commas, or the first letters, or last letters where someone would pause when they were painting with ink.

In your first line you establish that there is a you and me, but after that you never really deal with this me you situation again, so why not drop the person out of this poem all together? Is there a reason that it needs to appear to you and not just appear in general? To me I don't think it's necessary. The only thing it seems to do is really establish that the entire poem is not a metaphor, but that there is civilization in there somewhere, and your perspective on civilization. I think having civilization in there from the title would really be better than from the metaphoric text.

I don't think you need a comma after smiles. when I read it with the commas, it seems like it's too broken up. If you remove the comma there, then you've got something that flows together nicely. Also the denotation of clashing dictates that it should be smashing into something, so why not smash the two lines together by eliminating the comma?

The theme is really beautiful. I think that's the thing that you did best on this poem. You've got an interesting, intense controversy with the theme. First you have words being emotional smiles, happiness, but they're hidden in the connotation of the words, so this happiness is under the surface and only available when you look around the words at what they mean in society. After that, you are talking about the denotation of the word, the scripted section really reminds me of the denotation how it is the thing on top, the thing which is actually said. Scripted also has a double meaning of things that are false though, so having the connotation and the denotation not match is perfectly executed and described by the second and third lines.

After that you get into the theme of where all of this is happening, and how it's happening under nearly invisible ink. To me this seemed rather useless. I would stop the poem up after scripted frowns personally. I think you've already made a really strong point and there's no reason to have this last bit tacked on aside from to explain that the bold is ink, which I kind of disagree with including anyway. It does help explain that everything is hidden under the surface, but denotation IS the surface, so that is contradictory aside form the fact that it is translucent instead of transparent. This last section of the line is really pretty, and it does work for a conclusion, but I think the real heart of your poem ends at the third line.

-Aley

Ok, i admire the fact you some how made an awesome poem so short, but any reason why? im just curious. SO then, as for reviewing, this poem, like i said before, is well made. I ask this question (and others) "connotated smiles,". That is a very unique usage, but i think connotated is spelled wrong. just saying. So, as a future note, check over everything before you post? Im not trying to be mean or anything, just a helpful reminder. so yeah, great poem, and keep up the great work!

Holly!
This is not necessarily a review, but just to say I really liked this. Short, but sweet.
Happy trails!!!