Published April 7, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
This is a new story idea that decided to pop into my head a few nights ago and i would very much like to know what you think of it :D I decided that each new chapter I will have a different person's point of view. Who knows, you might actually like it! haha.
Chapter 1
Demi
Demi Emerson folded her clothes methodically into her suitcase while staring blankly out her morning window. No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t stop the uncomfortable nervous feelings from fluttering around inside her stomach. It’s just a trip. It’s just a stupid trip. She laughed humorlessly at how worked up she was being. Walking over to the dresser for more clothes, she passed her bedside table with a careless glance. Demi stopped in her tracks – something wasn’t right. Turning back around to face her bedside table she noticed the empty space that was usually occupied by her diary. Shit, that meant only one thing:
“Chloe!” Demi shouted, storming out of her room. Demi found her little sister watching a movie in the lounge room downstairs. “Chloe, did you take my diary? It’s not in my room,” said Demi over the busy noise of the television. She tried to look calm and composed but inside she was freaking out like crazy. Her heart hammered at such a quick pace inside her chest she though she was having a panic attack. If Chloe took it I am going to be so dead.
Chloe’s eyes were focused on the screen in front of her and she wore a brain-dead expression. “Eeerrmmm…” Chloe responded, impersonating a zombie. Chloe’s attention was still only directed towards the movie she was watching.
Demi stepped in front of the television with her hands crossed, blocking Chloe’s view and snapping Chloe out of her trance.
“No, don’t do that! I’m listening, I’m listening! Jesus, what do you want?” said Chloe.
“Where is my diary?” Demi demanded.
Chloe stretched her body as far to the left as humanly possible to try and see around the obstacle that Demi had become. “No idea. I didn’t take it if that’s what you’re thinking. Now can you move?”
Demi sighed and headed back the way she came. She was halfway up the stairs when a voice made her stop; that voice didn’t sound too happy.
“Demi, come here. Now.”
Demi followed her mother’s voice into the kitchen. There her mother stood with her penetrating stare directed angrily at her daughter. Demi could almost see the fire burning in her mother’s eyes.
“We need to talk,” Demi’s mother said.
Damn, this must be pretty serious.
Demi gulped. “What about?” Then her face paled at the sight of the object on the kitchen table next to her mother. Well, looks like I found my diary.
Demi’s mother grabbed the diary from off the table and started shaking it at Demi’s direction vigorously. “The stuff you’ve been writing in this thing is shocking, Demi. Completely shocking! I have never been more disappointed with you in my life! If I had known even half the things you do when I’m not around –” Demi’s mother flicked through the pages of the diary violently until she found the page she was looking for. “‘Last night I went over to Lesley’s house for a sleepover. We got some weed earlier that day and that night we got totally baked. It was so fun. I can’t believe her parents didn’t notice…’” Demi’s mother quoted, turning another few pages. “‘…Snuck out of the house a couple of nights ago and went to this raging party with Lesley and Paige. Lesley hooked up with some random guy that was there and Paige got completely wasted. Paige threw up twice and we had to carry her back to the car because she passed out. What an adventure!’” Demi’s mother mocked the last part and pegged the diary furiously across the room away from Demi.
Demi’s eyes grew wide as she took a step back. Okay, maybe I’m going to be more then dead. Demi was getting a little scared, so instead of panicking and crying like a child, Demi decided to get angry.
“Why did you even look in my diary? That’s my private stuff! How could you disrespect me like that, Mum?” Demi said loudly.
Demi’s mother gave a bitter laugh. “Me disrespect you?” she yelled, “I think it’s you who disrespected me first. I trusted you!”
“Oh yeah, well I trusted you!” Demi shouted.
“I thought you were better than all that shit, Demi. And to do it all behind my back!”
“You weren’t supposed to find out!” screamed Demi. The volume of the conversation was reaching a crescendo.
“How could you disobey me like that? It’s like you’re not even my daughter anymore! I never realized you could be such a sly bitch!” Demi’s mother shouted.
Demi flinched. She felt tears prick her eyes. That hurt. She could see a flash of regret streak across her mother’s face. Demi looked down at the ground. “I hate you,” she murmured quietly, though her mother could hear the words quite well. Demi lifted her head back up to meet her mother’s eyes and glared. “I hate you!” Demi shouted and bolted back up to her room just as Chloe came into the kitchen to see what all the yelling was about.
Excited chatter buzzed from Demi’s fellow classmates as Mrs. Parker called out the roll from just outside the awaiting bus. It had been two hours since Demi had slammed the front door of her house with her suitcase in hand and walked out into the chilly morning towards Lesley Sawyer’s car parked just outside. Once away from Demi’s street Lesley had asked endless questions of why Demi had wanted to be picked up and what had happened. Demi had not said a word the whole way to their school.
“Oceana Blaire?” Mrs. Parker called over the noise the class was making. Mist was exhaled from her voice. It was winter and everyone’s hands, heads and necks were hidden behind thick, woolen materials.
“Here, Miss.” Oceana said, picking up the bag on the ground beside her and climbing aboard the bus.
“Patrick Carson?”
The list went on while Demi and her friends huddled together to fight the cold. As always, Lesley was the one talking.
“I can’t believe we’re going to China!” Lesley exclaimed in an exuberant manner. “This is going to be so amazing. I’ve always wanted to see the Great Wall. And imagine how skinny we’ll get walking non-stop everyday for a whole month and eating nothing but healthy Asian food! Brilliant!” She was practically exploding with enthusiasm.
“I’ve never been on an airplane before,” said Paige nervously, jigging up and down to try and stay warm.
“You’ll be fine. Don’t worry! Airplanes are great, apart from the food,” Rose Fenton said and scrunched up her nose with disgust.
Paige and Lesley giggled while Demi faked a smile. Demi felt sick from the fight she’d had with her mother. Her and her mum rarely ever got cross at one another and when they did they never raised their voices as much as they had earlier that morning. Demi had not said anything to her mother since the fight, not even goodbye. There was a part of Demi that wanted her mother to feel hurt just like she had felt after her mother had called her a bitch. Demi felt awful though, like something heavy and depressing was weighing down her heart.
“Demi Emerson?”
Demi snapped herself into reality again. “Here, Miss.” She picked up her bag and hopped on the bus, sitting herself down in a vacant seat. She looked out the window, watching the rest of her classmates make their way over to the bus, one by one.
Sometimes we forget to forgive. Sometimes we don’t say goodbye to those we will never see again. Sometimes the last words we give to another will burden us forever with guilt. Sometimes we underestimate how powerful our words can be. But at all times we have to live with our mistakes, and forgiving someone else’s mistake is always much easier then forgiving our own.
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changing charecters is always good. It makes the people want to keep reading (switching form action to action) and portrays the story well. Keep on writing! It might become something cool.
Here to review this Christmas in July!
While this was a good chapter, it didn't really make me want to read more. It seemed like a short story more than a novel to me, but hey, maybe the rest will fit in perfectly. I didn't really read anything that suggested an Action/Adventure story, but like I said, maybe later installments will fit in perfectly.
It was a good chapter though! The words really flowed, and the characters where well defined from one another. Usually stories like this (meaning no supernatural ghosts, demons, monsters, dragons, spaceships, or aliens) don't hold my attention that long. This one did.
Well, while it wasn't the best of reviews, there it is! Liked the chapter and all, but I am just not interested in more. This one was so well done, it doesn't need more!
~Questio~
I enjoyed this thoroughly! The words flowed together nicely and I could envision everything that was happening. Some parts were not as smooth as other but overall it was fantastic. I'm still debating on whether or not this would sound better in first person or not because it has qualities that would make it sound better in either third or first. I would recommend that if you keep it in third person that you use her mind as a real driver in this story. Can't wait to read more.
Wow, this story kept my eyes glued to the screen 'til the every end. This was realistic and the way that Demi viewed the world was understandable. She is a believable character that reacts how any teenage girl would. I felt my mouth drop when her mother called her those foul words, I felt like Demi, hurt, although it wasn't my mom saying that. This flowed pretty well, but some of the parts were a little choppy when it came to transitions. I cannot wait to read more, really! And the foreshadowing at the end was brilliantly done. Good job!
Hiya therealme!
here to review as requested 
I think something that could be added to this chapter is more description of things. I've found it's very sort of dialogue based, and all on one conversation between Demi and her mother. I think it would be great if there was just more descriptions of things whether it be character descriptions or something about the setting? Anything just to add more meat into eat, even if it's just like a back story because right now, it's looking kind of thin.
Nitpicks in the spoiler:
Spoiler
Considering this is a teenage girl's diary, I think the wording is too sort of formal, and needs to be worded more to that of a teenage girl. The 'what an adventure!' bit seems really out of place.
Right, now onto the review! 8D Starting with your characters, I think they're pretty good so far. I certainly learnt a lot about your MC, Demi, and her mother, which was quite interesting. I think I'd like to see more about Demi and Chloe and what their relationship is like, it's kind of hinted at now but I'd like to see more in this chapter. Especially if Demi's gonna be away in the next chapter. Demi and her mother seem kind of similar, in a weird way. I don't think that's a bad thing, because like mother like daughter and all that. But try and steer clear of making them too much alike. However you've done a lot with their relationship and we can see what they're like together, which is great!
You mentioned something about having a different POV in the next chapter. I think that's great, I love that so much! (As long as it's done well, of course). Have you ever read a book called 'Gone' by Michael Grant? That book has like over eight different POV's but it's so good! So yeah, best of luck with that. I'm sure it'll be great
Lastly, your plot is quite interesting. I imagine that in the next chapter you take the POV's from different kids who are also going on this trip to China? And what their morning was like before they left? I think that's really good, and even if you don't plan on doing that it still seems like quite an interesting plot idea. I'm not really sure what else to say because I'm pretty sure more will be revealed in later chapters.
I hope this review helped. Please PM me with the next chapter. Keep Writing!
-Arc
I really enjoyed reading this! In particular I love the repeated use of "sometimes" in the very last paragraph. I find the mother/daughter really believable and relatable too, these strong relationships between characters always makes me want to keep reading a book because it allows me to place myself in the characters shoes. You really should continue it, you have good skill as well as a good plot idea!
Thank you and i think i will continue
if you would like me to i will post a link on your wall when i've written a second chapter.
Hi, first of all AMAZING! This is an amaazing piece, i can't wait to read more. Now i'll do posatives first because there are a lot of them. They aren't that detailed though sorry.

1) First of all i loved the charecters. Even in that small extract i felt like i knew demi. And i know how chloe feels. You've definatly created solid charecters.
2) I think you used a good balance of dialogue and description, there wasn't too much of either. Which some people struggle to do. So well done
3) I like the story line. It's intresting and cool. Can't wait for more.
4) LOVED <3 the ending, really good cliff hanger. Makes me want to know more.
5) Finnaly. "Demi’s eyes grew wide as she took a step back. Okay, maybe I’m going to be more then dead" i think it's really good how you've got the charecters to react to each other, this is only an example but it proves my point. You've made it easy to follow and move through, so yet again well done.
I can't find much wrong with it, a couple of really long sentances but that works. So hope you write more of this. Can't wait!
omg thank you i'm so happy you like it!
I was really worried it wasn't good enough to continue on with but i'm glad you liked it. Thank you very much for reviewing it xx