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Young Writers Society


16+

Devil's Trap (chapter 4)

by Rainheart


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The ground shakes. A siren starts to wail.
I toss back my covers and hit the floor running. Yanking open the door, I stare out. Smoke and fire rises in the direction of the crossroads.
"Shit." I say, hurrying back into the house. Pulling on my boots and jacket, I'm back outside and running in the direction of the smoke. My heart is pounding. I can only focus on what's in front of me.
Several people are beginning to run for the crossroads. Children among them. Stupid, stupid. I'm happy when I notice how many of them are stopped by their mother's. They know what's about to start. It's time for them to go to the underground shelters.
"Jack!"
I hear my name, but I don't stop. I'm running too fast for that. Rounding the corner, I trip over jagged pavement, but manage to keep myself from falling face flat on the concrete.
"Jack!"
There it is again. Having slowed down some, I can hear the voice who is shouting my name. It's Archer Rival. He's been my best friend and neighbor for as long as I can remember. Tall, rugged, and smelling of smoke, Archer is as loyal as they come. He's also pretty handy with a bow, ironically.
Skidding to a stop, heart pounding and breathless, I let my best friend catch up.
"Asshole," Archer says when he catches up to me. He's shouldering his bow and a quiver of arrows. Several knives hang from his belt, along with two pistols and a match box. He's dressed for war.
"The crossroads is a bad choice," I say, ignoring his comment. "We should go to the building in Glenn."
Archer nods in agreement, "Let's go."
Not bothing to wait until I catch my breath, I start running. Glenn is about eight blocks away from Jasper. On a normal day it might take me ten minutes to run to Glenn. But with all the people and confusion about, it'll take at least seventeen.
"Winchester is coming!"
"We're all going to die!"
"Make for the shelters!"
"This is it!"
I hear a lot of voices. See a lot of people. Some strong, others scared. I hope I look like one of the stronger ones. But then again, I may look scared to death. I certainly feel scared.
The ground starts to shake violently. Another explosion. And another. Two more follow. I'm thrown to the concrete. My hands scrape across glass. I bang my head on the curb. Blood spills from my palms and forehead. Archer is shouting something, but I can't hear him very well. The ringing in my ears is too intense.
"Jack!"
I blink my eyes furiously, shake my head.
"We gotta go, Jack!"
Staggering to my feet, I start to run again. Slowly, in an almost drunken manner. I feel light headed. My breath comes jaggedly. Archer is beside me, pulling me to a stop. He's saying something again. But it's like the world has gone silent.
Man. I must have hit my head pretty hard.
Archer begins to pull me forward. He doesn't stray more than two steps away as we wind our way through the crowd of running people. It's like this until we reach the building in Glenn. The same one Sophia is in. He yanks the door open and I stagger in and up the stairs.
My hearing is coming back. The lightness in my head is leaving. I pull myself up the stairs, careful not to trip or fall through the cracks and holes. At the top, I take the hallways quickly. Archer is behind me.
"Dylan!" I shout.
I hear running footsteps coming towards me. Out of habit, I pull out my double edged boot knife and hold it in a defensive position as I more forward.
"Jack..." It's Dylan. He comes around the corner and stops in front of us.
"Is she still here?" I ask quickly, putting my knife away. "The girl...?"
Dylan nods. He's sweating hard and there's blood on his arms where large gashes are. I wonder if Sophia is responsible for them. She's definitely capable of such violence, as I found out the hard way. My cheek still hurts from where she scratched me with her cat-like claws.
Another exposion.
"Damnit..." Archer hisses.
I run a hand through my hair, "There's no telling how many are dead. All the explosions have been centered around the crossroads. That one felt closer."
"I know," Dylan says. "But this is what we expected. We knew this would happen..." He rubs the stubble on his chin, "I have to go out there. Keep Sophia safe. And whatever happens, don't let them get her back."
I nod, commiting myself to the task. Archer does the same. There's no way they're going to get Sophia.
When Dylan is gone, we go into Sophia's room. She's standing, with an almost terrified look on her soft face. I wonder why that is. Her father is coming to rescue her. Shouldn't that make her feel happy? Maybe even a bit smug?
"You're dear old pa'pa is coming," I say, closing the door. "Go ahead and say I told you so."
Sophia remains quiet. She eyes Archer, then curls up in her corner as the building shakes from more explosions. I wonder if they're Dane's explosions or if it's still Winchester. It could be either one.
"She's scared as hell..." Archer whispers to me. "Shouldn't she be at least a little bit happy?"
I nod, "I was thinking the same thing."
For the last few days she's been saying her father would come and get her, but now that he's finally here, she looks like a frightened kid on their first day of school. I can't help but wonder what's causing this change in emotion.
Or if she's playing us for a bunch of fools. Again.


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192 Reviews


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Sun May 26, 2013 8:38 pm
EloquentDragon wrote a review...



So, this piece flowed quite nicely, I don't have anything to complain about---it's a bit short for a chapter though.

Honestly, I didn't find much wrong with this. It wasn't terribly original-I can't picture Jack's voice in my head, it's just sort of there. Words to tell you what's happening, but not a lot of showing going on.

That being said, the one problem that I did have with this is-Jack's a guy right? But he doesn't SOUND like a guy. He sounds like a girl! While first POV is rather more personal, it is tricky to pull off well. It might be that you, the author, are unaware that your own voice is creeping into the narration. It is easy to slip out of character, so be careful.

Here's what I mean- Jack first notices the children. I'm not going to generalize about all guys, but they're usually jerks when it comes to noticing others in a crisis. If there's a fire at the cross roads, their first thought would probably be "Damn, how am I going to fix this?" He might notice the kids if he were to say, trip over one of them perhaps-that might be interesting.

Here's another part-Jack meets up with his friend, and promplty gives us a rundown on his appearance. My first thought is "Wait, shouldn't his friend already be introduced by now?" the second thought was "Wow, that's sort of creepy." It's kind of odd to describe him as "Smelling of smoke," for example. The fact may be that Archer is tall and rugged-but it's hardly the time to decribe that.

And other small things like "tripping over the pavement and such." Unless it was important somehow, it probably wouldn't be mentioned.

I think it gets a lot better after the part when someone shouts "Winchester" though.

Here's my advice- get inside your character's head. Describe things that he would notice, show us things from his eyes. This takes work and practice, but it is worth it. Create an individual character with a unique voice---no one is going to confuse Huck Finn with Katniss, for example. (The first example is excellent to look at as far as distinction in voice goes, the second terrible.)

Keep things in character.
Hope this helps
-ED




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Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:27 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Ainhe!

Shady here with a review! :)

I'm happy when I notice how many of them are stopped by their mother's.
~ Not possessive.

It's Archer Rival.
~ Ooh, love that name. < 3

Not bothing
~ Typo.

"You're dear old pa'pa is coming,"
~ "Your" not "You're"-- and that's a strange way to write "Papa". Is it intentional?
~~~

Ooh, I like this. I always approve explosions. ;)

Okay, so, I like the character interaction. It feels natural-- like the interactions I've observed among guys in the past. I also love Sophia. I can't find the words to express exactly why I love her, but I do.

Can't wait to read more!

~Shady 8)





Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence