Another filler chapter.
Every single scene in your novel must do one of two things: it must either a. advance the plot, or b. develop your characters. Ideally, it does both. I wager this is still your first draft, and you're not yet sure how this is going to end, and what events are going to contribute to it. In that case, why are you posting it? First drafts are meant to be edited before being posted. Think of them as your dirty laundry. Would you hang them outside for the world to see? No.
I'm going to critique this as if you've already edited it anyway.
Your chapters seem to wander and are aimless, to be blunt. I don't see how they're contributing to an end. The best kind of novels have an end that, in hindsight, were inevitable given the events leading up to them. You don't want the ending to be too obvious, but everything in the book that happens has to, in one way or another, contribute to the one that's coming for the characters. Right now it seems as if you're still finding your way through your novel.
You mention allergies in this chapter, but made no reference to them in the past one. It really feels as if you're making this all up as you go along. That is not a feeling you want your readers to have. It's as if almost everything is an afterthought, something to use to up your wordcount. Don't. Write a good story, not a string of 60,000 words that seems to be a story.
There are also some lines there that seem cool but out of place. It's as if you stuffed them there because you thought they were cool and wanted to write them and so you put them there anyway. If it doesn't fit with your character's voice, don't force it in. A chapter back, and Jack was this nice, one-dimensional kind of dude who doesn't come up with interesting lines. He's not the quotable type, and now he suddenly spouts something about war making fools of people? Odd, to say the least. Keep your voice consistent. This is first person - unless something life-changing happens to Jack and it changes his perception of the world, there's no reason to shift voices so suddenly.
I think this scene might work if it was emotional and placed properly, but right now it feels out of place, jumbled, and unplanned. It's like the storm in the middle of summer - out of nowhere, unexpected, and unwanted. You placed it there because you needed something to write, not because your story needed this piece to be written.
Consider taking it out altogether, and try to smooth out the timeline of your novel. It's feeling more like a sequence of events than an actual story right now.
"The king died and then the queen died." -> This is what your novel feels like.
"The king died and then the queen died of grief." -> This is what a novel should feel like.
One action should lead to the next. Think of it like dominoes. Because X happened, Y and Z happens. Because Y happens, A follows. But because Z also happens while A is happening, B doesn't follow - instead, C happens.
Azirah
ETA: The last part also skirts around the constraints of a first person POV. I find it odd, but maybe others find it all right. I don't know.
Points: 2090
Reviews: 15
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