Published April 1, 2013
Moon shadowed by clouds, the stars virtually gone.
With barking dogs and buzzing flies adding life to the scene.
At the corner of the street, inclined by pole, he lay alone.
In a city drowned in sleep as no other soul was seen.
Little worn out drape hung over the lean figure
Hands folded tight, close to chest, with a rippling frame.
Gripped, goose flesh with teeth rattling through a sudden quiver
Skin tone turned black to blue as another gust of wind came.
He rose, fell, holding back on his feet- managed rising again
Hoping for an occasional meal, hobbled to a rusty garbage bin.
With watering mouth, began drabbling frail hands but all in vain.
Belly kept growling, saliva drooling owing to disappointment therein.
Shivers seized, sun gleamed whilst another busy day took on its ride
People absorbed in usual work; cat kept licking him at the blind side.
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140,788 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi mayyda and a belated welcome to YWS!
Overall, I really liked this. It has strong images and the word choice is excellent. My nitpicks are mainly regarding sentence structure and other small things.
"inclined by pole" reads oddly to me. Perhaps "inclined on the pole" or "leaning on the pole"?
There seem to be a lot of periods at the end of lines whether or not it needs one. This is a fragment--a subject with no verb. I think it would fit with the line before it as one complete sentence.
I had to look up drabbling, and apparently spellcheck doesn't think it's a word. It is, but I've never heard it so it stands out. Perhaps something more clear like "soiling" or "dirtying"?
Therein is one word.
Also wasn't crazy about the bold at the end. Maybe just italics.
Overall, emotional piece with some vivid images, just some nit-picky comments. Good job and keep writing!
"hanged" Sorry, this just stuck out at me. Should be "hung".
I like the language of it, and the rhyming scheme is steady and constant. I really like the progression of the poem and the real raw description of his hunger-- all too often, people vaguely describe this, and sugarcoat it to avoid the hurt.
It's short, but powerful. No extra verses are needed here. I also love the description of the night-
"With barking dogs, buzzing flies adding life to the scene
At the corner of the street, inclined by pole, he laid alone
In a city drowned in sleep as no other soul was seen"
Especially the last line. Wonderful.
All in all I really liked this piece.
Keep writing.
Peace xx
~Ayden~~
Hello here is a jordin with a little review I hope it helps some.
OK how can the stars be covered by dogs?
Sorry but this is making absolutely no sense to me.
(He rose, fell, holding upon his feet's) Feet's huh feet would be better and he holds his feet wile standing.
This really does not make any sense to me.
Nice spelling though.
Keep writing and good luck I hope you also had a good Easter too.
I hope that my review helped.
~Jon~
.Let me correct you...... u got it all wrong , i never meant neither wrote: dogs covering stars, Its completely absurd.
It was clouds covering the moon then i came back to the street where only dogs and flies were present as people were off to sleep.It meant to show both despair and loneliness of the boy in the street. Barking and buzzing sounds were used to show that things were alive .You took it all wrong and never read it for the sake of poem.
Follow the lines to get the meaning, don't derive meanings out of chunks since it came with the fact that he was hungry and too weak to stand on his feet, causing him fell and rise till he took hold on his feet to get to the bin and look for left over food.