Published April 1, 2013
when the girl extracts the phone from her body
almost in disgust at her own actions but more in fear of the night
and the cool quiet clammy air of loneliness encircles her
and she flips off the light so the impending walls of the claustrophobic room
can’t see her cry in vain
there will be no music.
late into the night her blue sheets will form waves around her
almost as if she is riding away from the island on her catastrophe-stained pillowcase
and she listens for those above her or beneath her who know her pain
and the bubble refuses to give way to her pressing hand because none
have known or felt or seen her pain
and there can be no music.
there will be no songs for the girl who left the one who loved her
there will be no songs in the night as she rides away from the world of her own disaster
and though she travels further every moment from that island it feels somehow closer
and though she prays to her God that someone will portray how she feels
so she can truly understand it herself
there is no answer.
now in the morning light she walks eternally on her pillowcase
even though the waves have subsided her walls still know her memories
and she didn’t want to leave him but the waves were calling to her
and every song she hears alienates herself more from her lover
or the memory of who she wanted him to be
and there will never be a song for her.
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140,788 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi cjscoot! Niteowl here to tackle this this fine Review Day. I suppose it's appropriate with all the wave-related imagery in here since we're the Tsunami Tyrants.
Overall, I think you have some fantastic imagery and a lovely story, but the structure and word choice could be improved.
Er...what? This made me think she somehow stabbed herself with the phone, which makes no sense. Did she pull the phone out of a pocket? Throw it somewhere? I think this could make more sense as "pocket".
This block shows that there's a lot of adjectives in this poem. I've been told that excess adjectives make it more confusing and less interesting for the reader and I can see that here. I'd go through and think about if every adjective/adverb adds to the piece. I might change this bit to
The quiet air of loneliness encircles her
and she flips off the light so the claustrophobic room
can’t see her cry in vain
To me, this is more compact and draws in the reader better.
The sentence structure here also bothered me. Each stanza is a sentence, but they run on and are connected by "ands" and it's pretty hard to follow and you'd be annoyed if sentences usually ran like this and there's little punctuation. I know poetry has less rules about this than prose, but generally I suggest punctuating normally unless there's a really good reason. Try going through and seeing if you can't start new sentences at the "ands". Your words will answer stand out more because "and" isn't too interesting, so people tune out "X and Y and Z and..."
I'd cut eternally, but otherwise I like this image.
My favorite line. It says a lot in pretty simple terms.
Overall, there's great imagery here, but I think the structure and overuse of adjectives could be revised. Good job and keep writing!
Hello I am here as you can probably guess for a review witch I really hope helps.
.Not sure what you mean by
This is a very strange poetry book tip deal thing but I like it.
I think your grammar punctuation and spelling was pretty good.
Good work keep writing.
Good luck and I hope you had a good Easter.
Nice job. :0
~Jon~
"when the girl extracts the phone from her body", that is a great way to start this. Though it makes me think shes' a robot or something. The word choice used paints a nice picture too =) (blue sheets will form waves around her). There's some phrases that don't make sense to me though such as, " catastrophe-stained pillowcase". I kind of mean to say, what does this have to do with her break up with her boyfriend? It just doesn't seem to fit the entirety of the piece. Over all, this piece was an interesting read, and i hope for more works by you. =)
I guess I could have replied like this...haha well again thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed.