Young Writers Society

Hi there!

First off, I'd just like to say that this is probably the best poem I've ever reviewed. No, seriously, it's just that cool. The subject is interesting, the imagery is amazing, and the flow (what most people have the hardest time with) is pretty much perfect. Okay, on to the review.

I partly agree with Animal about the capitalization. Free verse I think works best for this poem, and rhyming might take away some of its feel. But actually the non-capitalization of the 'I's we're a little distracting for me. Other capitalization, like at the beginning of lines, isn't necessary, but those 'I's kinda got me.

Anyways, I'll say again that the flow is just wonderful. It's very dream-like and mystic in itself, which is great, not to mention that it fits the subject perfectly. Doing things like that is difficult, no matter whether it was on purpose...

The first stanza was my favorite, because the phrasing and word choice were so good, with all its 'powdery stars' and 'sequestered memory'.

The second stanza was best at the beginning, but although I like the sound of this line:

"it becomes a play, a theatrical production, a tear in the channel's fabric"

I'm not sure it is the best choice for a repeat. I like the idea of the play, but I agree with Audy that the 'theatrical production' is totally out of place. Also, the 'tear in the channel's fabric' might need a little more clarification. But, otherwise, the rest of the second stanza is all good as well.

I love the imagery in these lines:

"always my sleep leads me there; my shattered soul be the only audience
i sit; myself powdery like the stars"

That just is music to my ears. The only suggestion for that is that you separate 'myself' into 'my self', just because it makes a little more sense.

The last stanza is a little run-on, but again the imagery is powerful and I love the emotions going on.

Well, that's it. Awesome job!!!

~Sapi

Hey Alfred,

oOoh, let me just say that this sent tingles down my spine, I like the meanderings of voice and where you were taking me. I get the sense that the speaker is an insomniac on the basis of fear; almost like he/she is too ashamed/afraid of his own memories, which is pretty cool! S'what I mainly got out of it anyway.

suggests me to sleep,

Animal is here to save the world review instead of learning Italian.

No spellings mistake. That's impressive.

I don't know but I think it is in fashion to not capitalize. I can never write a poem that isn't Capitalized or dosen't rhyme. Rydia was telling me that it is a new style of writing, but I can't digest it in.

Nevertheless, this is an interesting poem and it's beautiful how you captured the feeling in a poem.

I don't know that I can help here because your poem (along with you) are perfect.

Squill's Towel Boy,
Ani