i sometimes look at the powdery stars that fall each night
my eyes are at the greens and blues and yellows that shine from their tails
when the howling wind finally suggests me to sleep,
i follow the streaks and to sequestered memory i leak away
i dream of my past, the animation of what had been done
and whom i have loved and left
it becomes a play, a theatrical production, a tear in the channel's fabric
it never is predictable, even though i already became the hero, the villain
at one or few times in the story that is a time i knew
but every while a grain of sand drips from above, i forget
and memory only resets
to the play, to the theatrical production, to the tear in the channel's fabric that i watch.
always my sleep leads me there; my shattered soul be the only audience
i sit; myself powdery like the stars
i grip myself in seeing the curtains unfold in dire convergence
because sometimes, i am happy to forget;
i already became the hero, the villain
and the story is a time that i knew
but i never wanted to play the role the stars put upon me
so i'd rather forget, and i'd rather reset
but the dreams won't let me because they always pull me to watch
the play, the theatrical production, the tear in the channel's fabric
that the winds and stars blow onto my sleep.
i dunno why. maybe i'm just not ready.
Hi there!
The subject is interesting, the imagery is amazing, and the flow (what most people have the hardest time with) is pretty much perfect. Okay, on to the review. 
First off, I'd just like to say that this is probably the best poem I've ever reviewed. No, seriously, it's just that cool.
I partly agree with Animal about the capitalization. Free verse I think works best for this poem, and rhyming might take away some of its feel. But actually the non-capitalization of the 'I's we're a little distracting for me. Other capitalization, like at the beginning of lines, isn't necessary, but those 'I's kinda got me.
Anyways, I'll say again that the flow is just wonderful. It's very dream-like and mystic in itself, which is great, not to mention that it fits the subject perfectly. Doing things like that is difficult, no matter whether it was on purpose...
The first stanza was my favorite, because the phrasing and word choice were so good, with all its 'powdery stars' and 'sequestered memory'.
The second stanza was best at the beginning, but although I like the sound of this line:
"it becomes a play, a theatrical production, a tear in the channel's fabric"
I'm not sure it is the best choice for a repeat. I like the idea of the play, but I agree with Audy that the 'theatrical production' is totally out of place. Also, the 'tear in the channel's fabric' might need a little more clarification. But, otherwise, the rest of the second stanza is all good as well.
I love the imagery in these lines:
"always my sleep leads me there; my shattered soul be the only audience
i sit; myself powdery like the stars"
That just is music to my ears. The only suggestion for that is that you separate 'myself' into 'my self', just because it makes a little more sense.
The last stanza is a little run-on, but again the imagery is powerful and I love the emotions going on.
Well, that's it. Awesome job!!!
~Sapi
Thank you so much Sapi! I love the review
Hey Alfred,
oOoh, let me just say that this sent tingles down my spine, I like the meanderings of voice and where you were taking me. I get the sense that the speaker is an insomniac on the basis of fear; almost like he/she is too ashamed/afraid of his own memories, which is pretty cool! S'what I mainly got out of it anyway.
is mad awkward. I suggest getting rid of "to me" here, or putting "to me" at the end of the line so it reads: Suggests sleep to me (or is it for me? hmm).
I really like "sequestered memory i leak away" that just melts in my mouth, it's brilliant. What I don't like is what you had before it: howling winds -- you're verging on cliche territory, if not stepping right in it!
I'll admit, the repetition of "theatrical production" I didn't much like, I felt it too technical, too hard, and too unnatural whence before we stuck with words like stars, streaks, and blues,greens, powders -- yeah that "theatrical production" just sticks out as a sour thumb P: It's also a rhythmic mouthful! I do get what you're saying, how dreams are staged, maybe the puppetry of it, and there's talk of the finality of fate and I really love how we become characters here c: the villain/hero part made me smile.
The grain of sand line is not my favorite PX Too cliche there. The tearing of the channel fabric, I particularly enjoyed, I felt that repetition pretty strongly, and it lend a mystical/cool quality to the piece! Same with the curtains and the unfolding. Your last few lines are gold.
This review was rather quick, but I enjoyed this piece lots and lots and would love to chat it up with you if you like/have any questions.
~ as always, Audy
Thank you so much for the gorgeous review Aud! I mean really, you got me there at the howling winds. I really have no idea what figure of speech I can put there!
Animal is here to
save the worldreview instead of learning Italian.No spellings mistake. That's impressive.
I don't know but I think it is in fashion to not capitalize. I can never write a poem that isn't Capitalized or dosen't rhyme. Rydia was telling me that it is a new style of writing, but I can't digest it in.
Nevertheless, this is an interesting poem and it's beautiful how you captured the feeling in a poem.
I don't know that I can help here because your poem (along with you) are perfect.
Squill's Towel Boy,
Ani
Thanks a lot for the review Ani! Free verse is more of my specialty, so I really have less, if not no, power in rhymes. About the Caps, well, yeah, I rarely use them now in poems because the largeness of letters is a bit distracting, as if they're there to put a stopper on everything. But hey, I'll consider
Squills Player,
Alf