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Rhapsodic

by UnCrystalClear


Quite by accident I have found
A boy who watches the gossamer web of stars
Seeing not only space but
The immortality that he can not hold.

And in the dulcet chrysalis of his soul
He holds ineffable luster,
Like a crystal you hold flashlights into
To see the way it has formed.

He resonates through me,
Turning darkness into mellifluous lumination,
Rhapsodic, I find him a perfect creation...

And I place my love with him.


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22 Reviews


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Sun Mar 24, 2013 11:20 pm
OliviaWhoWrites wrote a review...



Let me start off by saying that I adore this poem. It is one of the most calming, peaceful and beautiful things I have ever read. As someone pointed out in a previous review "Like a crystal you hold flashlights into, " sounds a tad too simplistic to flow right with the rest of the stanza. Other than that, I love the poem! Seriously one of my favorites!




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 4:51 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Crystal! Dogs here with your review today! Well lovely poem you have here, excellent use of vocab in your writing. It really reminds me of some of the writing from Edgar Allan Poe. Now, while your vocab and writing is excellent, I think you use it a tad too much at times, and at others not enough. That inconsistency really comes across as odd at times in your writing and make those lines stand out like a sore thumb. Let's dive in now shall we?

"The immortality that he can not hold"

You started this piece off with past tense by saying: "I have found," so than by default this line should be "could not hold," just to keep consistency with the tenses. You really do an excellent job of using "gossamer" in that second line. Love it there. On a separate note, you need a comma after the second line to keep the flow smooth.

" And in the dulcet chrysalis of his soul"

This line is throwing me off a little because of the choice of using "dulcet" here. Dulcet means sounding sweet or soothing, but I believe you use it in reference to the texture of the chrysalis. I think you would do better choosing a word that means soft or smooth in terms of texture instead of sound, it'll make the imagery stronger.

Now that second line of the second stanza is great, but you follow it up with: "Like a crystal you hold flashlights into." This sounds odd because you just used a line with such excellent vocab and word choice, followed by this one of exceedingly simple wording and it truly sticks out, and not for the better. It makes the line sound a little choppy and unbalanced.

"Turning darkness into mellifluous lumination,"

Now don't get me wrong, mellifluous is one of my favorite words in the English language, but the way you use it here as a description of light and "lumination" doesn't work much for the poem. Just be careful of those descriptions, I do simply adore the next line though. Excellent work in that regard.

All and all a wonderful poem with just a few nit picky kinks. I loved reading it and I hope to take a peek at more of your writing in the future. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 2:24 pm
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



This is a really nice little poem!
Really good imagery and description. My favourite verse is:

"Quite by accident I have found
A boy who watches the gossamer web of stars
Seeing not only space but
The immortality that he can not hold."

The thing about him watching the gossamer web of stars is just beautiful.

I have one thing that I need to suggest and that is the punctuation at the end of lines. Poetry should be punctuated just like prose. You get it right most of the time but not all the time. I'll show you how it should look in the first verse:

"Quite by accident I have found
A boy who watches the gossamer web of stars,
Seeing not only space but
The immortality that he can not hold."

There was just the one bit there. OK, I hope I've helped :D Lovely poem!




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 7:14 am
Animal wrote a review...



Animal is here to save the world review...

Let's get started,

First of all, your choice of words is impressive. You seem to have a very dense vocabulary. Not many people I know write poems with difficult words like this...
Some examples are gossamer, dulcet, chrysalis and even more...

I love the theme you used, how you told something else without including it, you beautifully described the theme.

The only error I found is that-

Turning darkness into mellifluous lumination,


lumination It is no word. It should be illumination or you could use lumination as I see that it has a meaning of its own.

I would appreciate it if you can make your poems rhyme. Rhymes add beauty to the poem. {That my opinion}

Hope this helps.

-Ani






I tend to use big words, and even words that are halfway nonexistent because I like syllables that sing meaning instead of trying to rhyme. But thank you. I wrote it on my phone to a friend and then just put it on here to see if anyone could help me smooth it out. Thank you so much for your time. I'll take it into consideration!



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Sun Mar 24, 2013 6:26 am
Hannah wrote a review...



I am first going to say that I am only okay with the ten-cent words that actually do something for your poem. Gossamer is great because it builds a texture, a new feeling of the stars, not just the constellation map-inspiring "web of stars", but something more physical with the texture of gossamer.

But then you've got dulcet and ineffable that do nothing for the words they modify. I think there would be a better word to modify the chrysalis, for example the "crystal" you use later. Give us the sight of the chrysalis and then tell us what's inside it. But consider maybe rethinking your phsyicality there, because right now you've got soul as an object surrounding abstract concepts like "luster". How exactly would one contain luster? Sometimes vagueness can inspire pondering, but sometimes it just doesn't seem to fit. For me, that doesn't fit.

I absolutely love the use of resonates, though, especially paired with the earlier crystal -- you further explore the physicality of this structure when you give vibrations and space and resonance. But, uh... "mellifluous lumination"? I know you don't want to say "turning darkness into light", but a thesaurus with big words is not the way to cure a cliche.

I think it would be cool if we could get one physical sight of this boy, too, because then we'd have evidence he actually exists, not just as a thing with a crystal chrysalis soul, but as a person. You've a lot of removal from the concept of human beings so bringing it back somewhere in the poem would be beneficial, I think.

PM me if you have any questions or comments, please.
Good luck and keep writing!






I always love your reviews. I tend to use big words, and even words that are halfway nonexistent because I like syllables that sing meaning instead of trying to rhyme. But thank you. I wrote it on my phone to a friend and then just put it on here to see if anyone could help me smooth it out. You, as always, are an awesome resource. :)




Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.
— Captain Raymond Holt