z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Risk

by CandidDreamer


Hello Reader,

This is a story dear to me, written by a very special person to myself. This is the Preface of the book "Risk" that she has for sale. No obligation, but if you do like this story, please support by buying the book. Or if you want to wait for the e-book, please contact me and I will tell you when it is out. Thank you so much!

http://www.amazon.com/Risk-Alexis-Ferguson/dp/1493129619/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1385767083&sr=8-1&keywords=alexis+ferguson

Preface

My body started to tremble, causing the table to shake slightly. Ayden, my little brother, and I sat around our little coffee table in the middle of our living room, listening to what our mother had to tell us.

“Your father, he. . .he’s not. . .he is not dead.”

Not . . . dead.

What did she mean Dad wasn’t dead? I saw it, the funeral, the burial—I was there for all of that. Not just me, but her too!

Dad is dead. The man that raised me up, took care of me, taught me all I knew and how to live with what I am; the man that I spent half of my life thinking that he was six feet underground in the soil of the earth, is dead. . .isn’t he?

I’m sorry, I heard in the whisper of Mom’s thoughts.

My head was spinning. I tried to sort through my jumbled thoughts, but I couldn’t focus. I could barely have heard the words she was saying.

“He never wanted me to tell you both this. He wanted to keep it a secret …to keep you both safe, but I realized it was not right to keep this from you. I’m sorry I waited so long, though I wanted to tell you separately, since Ayden’s only twelve,” she hesitated. He’ll have to know sometime.

What was she talking about?

“But it’s better to get this out of the way now. . . Jade, are you listening?”

I couldn’t speak, nor could I shift my eyes from staring at the wall to look at her, so I just nodded.

I didn’t want to believe, to hold on to what may be false hope, but the idea was so tempting. Dad. . .alive. . .here. . .with us.

But he was not here.

He left so suddenly, without any explanation. At least, not any explanation I heard.

“I’ve been doing some thinking…a lot of thinking actually,” Mom continued, her voice taking on a hint of depression.

One glance and my heart dropped. The expression on my mother’s face was utterly heart wrenching. I didn’t want to see her like that. My hand reached out to her, but she didn’t see it. What happened—why she would show such an expression now?

With a deep breath she composed her features, her face now showing little emotion.

“This might sound strange, but your father is alive. He’s just not here.”

In the silence my thoughts automatically wanted to humor her words. I could not suppress the urge.

Where was he then, if he was alive? Was he on some secret mission, one that calls for lying to his family and abandoning them to mourn for him while he runs off? He was never one to tell anybody anything about himself or his affairs, though he had good reason not to, since his existence was to be kept hidden from certain people. But could he not tell us, his family?

Or did he run off with someone else, someone who was like us, and not human like Mom?

I shook my head violently and tried to force my attention to the coffee table before me.

Dad was too. . .good; he left for a good reason, I believed that.

Maybe Dad was dead, and Mom’s just in denial.

“What are you talking about, Mom ?” Ayden asked, stopping my train of thought from returning to impossible things, “What do you mean Dad’s not dead?” I don’t get it.

He was not in the least bit fazed by this news. Not a surprise, since he didn’t really know Dad as long as I did—didn’t get to love him as much as I did.

Dad “died” when he was only three, not long before his birthday too. Ayden doesn’t remember him much, nor does he know who, or what, we are, at least not exactly, not yet.

Ayden was very. . .smart, always drawing the right conclusions and finding the right answers to everything that interested him. It didn’t take him long to figure out that there had been something “wrong” with me since a year ago, or even a while before that; but when he did, it became our little secret, or at least I made it our little secret. He caught on to how I somehow seemed to know what he was thinking at times, but so far, the thought of me having the ability to read minds had not crossed his mind, not yet. I would have known.

Mom told me I had to be the one who explains all of who we are to him when he turns sixteen—explain all the sudden changes he’d be going through, since I was the only one present who understood.

I internally sighed.

There was a long pause. Mom didn’t want to answer Ayden’s question.

“Mom,” Ayden pressed, “what do you mean Dad’s— ”

“I mean what I say,” Mom interrupted him. “Your father is not dead. At least, not yet . . .…”

The sound of glass shattering filled my mind.

“What?” I choked out, my eyes wide as I stared at her.

Not yet!? Was she trying to make us, or me, angry? Because she was doing a very solid job. Right, give me false hope that my father is alive, somewhere, only to tell me that he might be dead as we thought, in a matter of months, days even?

Might as well have kept her mouth shut. My stare turned into a glare.

I turned to Ayden and locked eyes with him.

Jade? What’s going on?

I flinched, like I always did when I heard thoughts directed right at me. I still had to work on getting used to the ability.

I swallowed; my throat was dry. I couldn’t answer him even if I wanted to. I didn’t know either.

I shook my head slowly, giving him a look to let him know I was sorry.

Mom sighed, and began to stare through the living room window at the sun in the sky. The hum of her thoughts was attracting me to focus on them, but I resisted. I wanted to hear the words come out of her mouth.

I took a deep breath and calmed down,, a little.

“Spit it out, Mom,” I snapped, not caring for a polite tone of voice. I was tired of waiting, jumping to conclusions with no evidence. “If he’s not dead, then what? Where is my father? Why did he leave? Did he. . .”

My voice came out louder than intended. It cracked and wavered, and then went silent. Tears found their way down to my chin. I couldn’t speak anymore, but I asked enough of what needed to be answered.

Mom blinked, dazed, as if snapping back into reality.

“Calm down Jade, it’s not what you think.” Mom said calmly, not the least bothered by my outburst.

“It’s not what I think? ” I shouted, standing up from under the table, my voice reaching a pitch that I never knew possible for me. Like she knew what I thought.

I was angry, mostly at the situation, but not at her. She probably knew that too, seeing that she was not responding to my shouting as she usually did.

“So what? If Dad is not dead, then what? Did he just. . .leave us? Leave you? Is he going about his own business leaving us here to live on our own? Leaving me responsible for Ayden when he…—". I stopped, Mom shooting me a look that could silence a crowd. Ayden looked at us both, confused, but I wasn’t going any further on what I said, or almost said, right then. Not when we’re talking about this.

“No,” Mom spoke slowly, “it’s nothing like that, and I’m sorry you feel that way about this,,” she said, looking nervously at Ayden, who was still confused about this whole situation,, “But it’s not what you think. Yes, your father is alive. Yes, he did leave, but for none of the reasons you’re thinking of. He left to go to your world.”

Our world? Does she mean that world?

Mahgiria, was it?

What was he doing there?

“Well, he didn’t exactly leave to go to your world, more like, he ended up there. You remember, the year that your father. . .left,” Mom started hesitantly, “how he told you, that he was going on a ‘business-adventure trip’? And how, that same year, half of California suffered from massive explosions and fires? Well. . .your father, for some reason, was the cause of all of that, and at this moment, he is in jail in your world, suffering the penalties for his actions.”

What!

She had to be joking! No! Not my dad. He swore he would never abuse his powers like that.

We were told that Dad died in a freak rock-climbing accident when he went away. He could have never stayed one place, always looking to see, explore, and do new things, so it didn’t sound out of the ordinary for him to have died in such a way. Though I would have imagined he would have been a lot tougher than to die such a way, but I accepted it. I always scolded him about being so reckless.

“Business-adventure trip,” how did I ever believe that crap? I cried my eyes out over nothing.

That year, when hundreds died because of a “freak occurrence”. . . that was caused by my father?

I couldn’t believe it. . .but. . .why would Mom make such a thing up? It would have been much better for us to believe he was dead if this wasn’t true.

Dad, destroying almost an entire state?

My mind racked at the thought. I couldn’t swallow it. . .

But what other explanation was there?

The news told us that something went wrong at some factory and caused massive explosions and fires in the California area, but the stories never made sense. How could one factory do so much damage was what I thought.

Now that I remember, for some reason, the coverage done on the incident seemed patchy. Holes were in the stories they were telling us, and they were always short, concise, maybe even rushed, like they were hiding something. But I was a kid, what did I know?

It did seem strange when we heard that only a few minutes after the incident, major earthquakes and storms passed over the state. Again, no feasible explanations.

The news of Dad’s “death” came shortly after.

I stood there, speechless, the light-yellow walls of this large house suddenly confining. I could have hardly breathed. My throat was dry and sticking together as I tried to swallow.

Maybe. . .

“Do you know. . .why he may have done it?” I whispered, my head hung down. May have done it—I still couldn’t fully believe what Mom was saying. Why would he cause such destruction?

But, the lines that were blurry for such a long time were slowly becoming a little more clear.

Yet, how could I blame my father of such cruelty?

The more I thought, the clearer things got. No matter how much I would have liked to believe the opposite, my father had committed crimes of murder and destruction. But the question still remained, why? There was a reason, whether good or bad, why he did what he did.

“No, I don’t know why,” she admitted, “but for whatever reasons he may have had, what punishment he is getting now is his own fault.” Mom did not have the least bit of compassion or pity in her voice.

I looked up at her, anger flaring as my eyes went wild. The look on my face must have shown how I felt; she flinched and looked to the floor, away from my glare. She looked regretful.

How could she say that? How she was not in the least bit sorrowful? Her husband, who loved her more than anything, was in jail this very moment. She must have felt a little grief.

I looked away from her in an effort to calm myself.

How could she not feel how I felt?

The room remained silent. Mom was finished with speaking to us, I could tell, even though she was still sitting in the couch before us.

She sat there looking out the window again, off into the setting sun. What was she thinking, telling us this all of a sudden? Pulling me and Ayden into the living room only seconds after we arrived home from school to tell us , not only is our father not dead, but alive , waiting to be killed because of the crime he committed.

“Wait, I still don’t understand,” Ayden said, confused, breaking the silence between us. “Where is Dad?”

Uh-oh.

Mom and I at the same time turned to Ayden, and then to each other.

All this time, we hadn’t been fully considering the fact that Ayden was sitting right beside us, and knew nothing of our world, and Dad wanted to keep it that way, until he was sixteen, when his powers would come in (an apparent result of having a Mahgi-human hybrid).

“He’s. . .” Mom started, looking at me, telepathically urging me to say something.

My eyes got warmer as I focused fully on hearing her.

You’re going to have to lie to him, sweetie.

“He’s. . .somewhere you’re too young to know about right now.” That was the best I could have come up with, and judging by Mom’s sigh, and Ayden continuing to question us, it wasn’t exactly enough.

“Listen, Ayden,” I interrupted his interrogation, ready to tell him anything he wanted to hear just to get him to shut up, but Mom stopped me.

“I’m sorry, Ayden, but my intention when starting this conversation with you was to stop this lie we have been living for so long. I may not have all the answers, but this is more truth than what you knew before. I’m sorry you can’t know all of the truth yet, but soon, I promise.”

She smiled at him apologetically, waving for him to get up and come beside her. She hugged him, patted his head and kissed him on the cheek,, to which he made a face, but it was gone in the same second that it had appeared.

“Now go upstairs and do your homework.”

Reluctantly, he nodded. He gave us both suspicious looks, but he didn’t move.

He stared me right in the eyes.

You’re gonna give me some answers, he thought, or more like demanded.

He headed up to his room. He just couldn’t give up, could he? Just like me, just like Dad.

Mom got up and began to walk to the kitchen, but I wasn’t finished with her.

I couldn’t do what she apparently wanted me to—to sit here and act like everything was normal, as if what she said shouldn’t matter or change anything. She doesn’t know what happens in those cells, and I was not about to stand here and let Dad be executed. If neither I nor she knew the reason for his crime, then I was sure that somebody else did.

“How do you know that Dad may die soon?” I asked, curious, but also with a hint of accusation in my voice; I knew the reasons they might have kept him alive.

She stopped. I could tell without reading her mind, that for whatever reason, she was choosing her words very carefully.

“I. . .visited him.”

Visited him…saw him. . .

“Visited him!?” I shrieked, “When?! How? You saw Dad? You went to that world and visited him!?”

The room was silent; again, she was picking her words.

“Yes,” she confessed, “but I am not allowed to tell anyone how and why. And you, young lady, are not allowed to go.”

What!

She spoke as if her words were final, and I knew she wanted to speak no more on this topic, but there was no way I was letting her go, not after all she had said and done.

“Who says?” I challenged. I, out of everyone in this family, should have been the most eligible to go to my own world to visit my newly undead father. I was of that world, even if I had never been there before.

“I say!” she threatened, turning around to look me dead in the eye, “You are forbidden to enter Mahgiria, young lady! And before you start your complaining, you should know it is for your own good. If the High Council knew of either of your existences, you and your brother would be executed without hesitation. You being stronger than them, you’d be seen as a threat to both humans and your people. Your father as well, and Ayden eventually. We lived our lives with great caution in order to keep you and your brother a secret from the High Council and the Higher Up, and now that they know the extent of your father’s power, what makes you think they would spare your lives if they knew of you?”

I took a step back, speechless. We were illegal? When were we supposed to know that? It seemed quite relevant. If I were to anger the Higher Up . . . I didn’t even know. No one angers the Higher Up.

Another thing she said—“stronger” Why were we stronger?

I shook my head, trying to focus on what didn’t make the most sense out of what she said.

“Protecting us.” Even after this whole situation, they still had to protect us. Why? Wouldn’t such be already useless? By now, they should have known about us already, illegal or not. We weren't exactly hiding under a rock.

So, to her knowledge, they don’t know about us yet? But our people have mind readers, like me, and memory stealers, lie detectors who find out information from the lowest of criminals—how could they not know about us yet?

. . .Maybe, just maybe, somewhere in Dad’s heart , assuming that the rest of it may be bad, was some good, enough to want to protect us, that he would use all the strength he has to somehow keep the existence of us out of his head—to shield those guys out of his mind.

Could he do that?

It was the only thing I could have seen stopping them from knowing of us and coming for us.

She waited there for my answer, but I stayed silent. Slowly, she turned back and continued toward the kitchen.

“What was this for?” I muttered under my breath harshly, knowing she could hear me, causing her to halt. “Telling us this, what do you want me to do now?”

Again, another pause.

“Nothing.” She sighed, “Your father wanted me to keep this a secret from you both, but I wanted you to know the truth.”

“Why didn’t you keep it a secret? You know I can’t. . .” I stopped, but not before my voice cracked. She stood there waiting for me to continue, but I couldn’t. She already knew what I was going to say.

You can, and you will.

Her strong and authoritative thoughts toward me caused me to waver slightly. The anger in her thoughts caused my body to heat, but I stood firm on my ground, and I motioned for her to go.

I was left standing in the silent yellow room, alone. I had to think.

Slowly, I headed upstairs toward my room, opening the door to a place that, for some reason, suddenly felt foreign to me. I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Baby-blue walls chilled my body as I lay there, still. Thinking, but not really. The decision was already made.

What she said didn’t faze me. I couldn’t sit there knowing that Dad might be killed for a reason unknown, at least, unknown to me, in a matter of. . .who knows when? I loved my father, and I know it was selfish, but I was not going to let him die when I did not know the true reason behind all this, not again.

I didn’t even know that visits were allowed in our world between humans and Mahgi, especially with that new law that made it so no more Mahgi are able to visit Earth( Mom had told me about that. She had connections with someone in the Higher Up; they knew about her and Dad, but obviously not us), but now that I did, I couldn’t sit still; I had to go. I had to see him somehow, and bring him back to us, to Mom—bring him back so that Ayden could have the father he deserved.

I had to save him. . .I would have liked to save him. . .but the better part of me knew that was probably impossible; the risk would be too great. I didn’t even know how that place looked; how could I expect to be able to bust out a criminal? I would visit him. . .

And as a result of that, I would be risking losing all of the things I loved…my life, my friends, my family, my. . .

I didn’t want to think of the last one—the greatest sacrifice.

I made no plans, but I knew that I was going. I didn’t know how, but I could have figured that out later.

My powers should be all I needed to go to Mahgiria, I assumed. I could have tried to go there now if I wanted, of course, not letting my mother know, but the pain in my chest made me know that I couldn’t leave without telling. . .Payge.

The thought burned in my mind, and my eyes began to water. I sniffed, trying to blink the tears away.

What would he think? Of course, he would be against it; he was always so protective of me, even though he knows I am much stronger than he is. He loves me. I love him, which made my decision even more heartbreakingly difficult.

My mind was a blur, filled with unanswered questions and undefined decisions.

I knew my actions would be rash, but even after Mother told me all of the consequences, I still want to go. Why?

…Because. . .I loved him, and I still do. I would hate to think I could’ve done something, but didn’t.

I had to try. Even if it caused me my life, I had to try.

-

I hadn’t realized I was crying.

I woke up to a strange sound echoing in the darkness of my room. Piercing, blood curling; it was only when I ran out of oxygen in my lungs that I realized I was screaming.

Water soaked my lashes as I stared at my ceiling, slowly unclenching my fists. The images of my dream replayed in my head.

The pain I had suppressed. The pain I went through years of depression to rid myself of.

In my dream my life was shown to me:

Love, happiness, joy, death, darkness, hope

All in that order.


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Sat Aug 24, 2013 3:29 am
Extremewriter says...



i think that the story is super good and maybe you should spell check it some but other than that terrific!




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Sat Jun 29, 2013 5:31 am
singingwriter1673 wrote a review...



In general, I like the idea of the story and I think that with a lot of help, it can become amazing.
Now, I do have to say that I am very confused. What are they? What happened? Is the mom a human? Etc. I think that a lot of those types of questions can be answered in this Prologue by slowly revealing them. The explanation of what the protagonist and her brother are can begin here by writing a small back story to what they are.
I think that because this is a Prologue to the entire story, it should be mostly filled with explanations of what happened to the father and what happened in Cali.
There are many sentences that I would re-word in here so that things can be better understood. Also, there should be little hints of what the characters and the home look like so that the reader can better create a picture in their head. For example, if the mother had brown eyes and was trying to decide how to tell her child something: [The expression in her chocolate brown eyes was one of unease and her children could easily tell that she was being torn inside by the need to say something, though not knowing how to say it.] Obviously that wasn't the best sentence, but did you see how I hid a description in there? You could also do that with hair color or say something like (the usually upbeat baby blue color of her room now annoyed her since her emotions were the complete opposite) to give a little more life to the piece.
All in all, I do think that this piece has potential and the idea behind it is really cool. :)

:D Sarah




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Sun Jun 16, 2013 4:21 pm
serenephantom wrote a review...



Ok I am one of the people who prefer to review flow and story line, but even I see you have a lot of grammar issues. Well i am not getting in to this for my own sanity. Ok where to begin, right off the top i am deeply confused. So it’s a first person character (heavens if i know her name). She has a sister who’s.....smart? I get what you are trying to by hinting that the character thinks differently or acts strangely but it still left me with confusion. Then this girl's father who's dead or they think he's dead or they know he's alive but are hiding it? So confusing! Try specifying a little every now and then. I understand that you are trying to put suspense on the question of is he alive or not but I honestly don't care as a reader. I soon became annoyed with the repeats in the question; is he alive? You are putting so much suspense on it that it is not only confusing but over whelming. I hope this was helpful and I don't mean to offend you in any way. Oh and one thing that may help you with grammar and type-o's read your story aloud to yourself, I’m sure you'll catch a few.
~Chow




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Mon Jun 03, 2013 4:27 am
Dhendon wrote a review...



First off, I like the story and the idea in general. This seems like a very interesting start to a very good story. It is an idea that has been done before, but with the right originality, it is quite capable of being an excellent story.

One thing I noted that made reading it a bit irritating were some of the typos. I see that this is your revised version, but a few things were overlooked in grammar and spelling. If you do not already, I'd recommend writing the story in a word document, or something similar, which would quickly erase most errors. I do this, and I have changed the word review settings to correct grammar AND style, so it helps with simple errors that aren't grammar or spelling related as well.

Overall, I liked the story, and I think it has great potential. I am excited to continue reading and see what happens. Keep going!




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Sun May 26, 2013 3:20 am
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gianinepantig wrote a review...



Hello^^
I'm also new here too.
And I think the opening was a catchy one that's why I got interested at your story ^_^
At journalism class your opening must be really catchy so the readers will be much interested in your story and I think you've done it?
Anyways keep up the good work sis^^




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Wed May 01, 2013 10:18 pm
CandidDreamer says...



Risk is now revised thanks to your help :) You are free to re-read it if you like :)




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Wed May 01, 2013 10:17 pm
CandidDreamer says...



Risk is now revised thanks to your help :) You are free to re-read it if you like :)




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Sat Apr 06, 2013 2:07 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello, sorry about the delay!

Specifics

1. Very strong opening! You've got a good use of repetition in 'little' and the sounds of your words are lovely. They build the atmosphere very quickly - nice work.

2.

My head was spinning, racing through my jumbled thoughts.
I've chosen to pick on this sentence as it's a little clunky and doesn't contain any interested imagery. But it could! Everyone has heard the phrase jumbled thoughts before, but what does that really mean? How do we picture that? Think about it and come up with a new way of saying it. Are your thoughts like a mixing bowl? A laundry pile? Think more carefully and then put it back into the sentence, so mine would give me: My head was spinning, racing through my laundry pile of thoughts. Always aim to be specific in your word choice and to paint a concrete image.

3.
I couldn’t focus. I could have barely heard the words that she was saying.
This line is too wordy. There are a lot of words there for a simple sentence. Why not try: I barely heard the words she spoke.

4.
“He never wanted me to tell you both this, he wanted to keep it a secret…to keep you both safe, but I figured it was not right to keep this from you.
The internal voice of this piece is excellent, but the dialogue for your mother figure is sometimes a little off. Here 'figured' struck me as the wrong word. It's a very modern turn of speech and not something I could ever imagine my own mother using.

5. A very nice slow introduction to them not being human and there's a great sense of wanting to know more, but also wanting the story to continue. That's a very nice balance between giving your reader the information but not over-loading them.

6. I'm confused as to why Jade already knows who and what she is if Ayden has to wait until he's 16. You've also called him Jared at one point - easy enough to fix - but does this mean Jade is older than 16? She feels about 14 or 15 to me...

7. I'm sure the mother is bothered by the outburst, but talking calmly to try and soothe her daughter or to counter it. Be careful about throwing words around.

8. Wait. The mother doesn't want her son to find out he's not human but happily talks about their world? It feels like something is very off there and you haven't given us enough details on how much Ayden does and doesn't know. We need to get the sense that he believes only his sister is not human if that's the case.

9. Jade is too quick to accept her father's guilt. You could give me all the evidence in the world and I'd still adamantly refuse to believe my sister killed a single person. Even if I started to, I'd make up a thousand excuses why and I'd still stand by her because that's family and it would take so much to break those bonds. Jade's reaction isn't believable after you've set her up as having loved her father because we love those we think/ know to be dead even more strongly than the living.

10. The cover up for Ayden feels too weak. You need to change something but I can't tell you what. Either Ayden needs to know/ be allowed to know a small amount, or they can't have that conversation. People don't forget something they were hiding one second and reveal it the next. Not when it's a secret they've kept for years and not when you've set them up to be a calm and cautious character as the mother is.

Overall

There's some great gems here, but you need to work on your word choice and writing style a little. You often slip back and forth between present and past tense verbs so when you read through, you need to keep an eagle eye out for that. You also have a few parts of the plot which feel forced, especially that later part of the conversation about where the dad is now.

The introduction of telepathy to a story should be an exciting revelation, but here it felt like it was put there only to advance the plot. You need to build up to it more and make it special, make it something important and a memorable moment. Like the first time Katniss from the hunger games shoots an arrow, or the first time Harry from Harry Potter casts a spell. These powers and skills we choose to give our characters are important and we have to make their first use, and ever use thereafter, a memorable one.

You've got some good descriptions, some good atmosphere building and Jade's voice really shines through, especially at the beginning so overall a good start. I hope this helps give you a few ideas on what to work on though.

All the Best,

Heather xxx






Thank you very much for your review :)

Before I start, i ask of you to check out the next chapter of this story that I have up, it is also flawed, but I will take your advise into consideration when editing again :)

1. The things that may have caused some confusion to the readers of this story are explained in other parts of my book.

2. Jade is 17 years old. ( Her father left when she was 9, and before he left he told her about their true identity, disregarding the fact that he wanted to wait till she was 16. She also trained and learned how she was to master her powers when she was to get them at 16) Because if this, the telepathy is not really a "stand out" moment because she's known of this ability and had been using it for over a year...but I do think placing a bit more emphasis on it is a good idea :)

3. Mom at this point is very docile when it comes to her feelings about everything Mahgic because of everything that has happened to her.

4. Ayden knows nothing. Not about his sister, his father, or himself.

5. I agree with Jade being to critical of her father so easily, but I didnt want to make Jade a character who doesn't look at every possible reason and circumstance. The fact that her father has been so shady for so many years plays a part on her anger too. In the book there is a scene where the father parts with Jade, this also gives Jade a different impression of her father than what she had. Still, i will change it a bit.

7. Mom doesnt necessarily speak happily of Mahgiria, she wants her kids to know where their father is, and she hasnt really taken into consideration the fact that she would have to reaveal a little bit of the secret to explain to them. She figures that it is their secret, not hers.

7. Ayden has no real interest in his father, so the whole conversation means little to him. Mother doesnt reveal anything about their powers, so his curiosity isnt really spiked. Ayden is brushed off easily because they really cant think of anything to tell him.

Despite my reasoning, i still think your points are valid and I will take them into consideration. Thank you again :) im glad you enjoyed it.



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Thu Mar 28, 2013 4:55 am
Animal wrote a review...



Animal is here to save the world review

I think you requested it on my thread. So! Let's get started. Shall we?

But first I am out of time and will give you a quick review but I promise to return and do a brief review later.

First, I noticed this,

What would he think? Of course, he would be against it; he is always so protective of me, even though he knows I am much stronger than he is. He loves me. I love him, which made my decision even more heartbreakingly difficult.


heartbreakingly It is wrong word.

I still love it and besides this, I see no spell mistakes. I like the way that it flows so smoothly. I will be back to review, so behold!

Ani




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Wed Mar 27, 2013 2:19 am
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ThothMagic wrote a review...



This story is amazing! I love how it starts out as a teen fiction, then turns into something way more serious, dangerous and magical. I felt like I was Jade, finding out that my father was dead. I'm interested in Mahigiria and the powers that you gain when you are sixteen. You should expand on this!






I do, i have written an entire book. I want to post more, but I need more points.



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Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:29 pm
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SkylerLestrange says...



:D I can tell this story is awesome! Not just through the story line but through your actual writing. Its really good! Keep up the good work! :D




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 6:26 am
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VeniVidiVici wrote a review...



I'm in love with the future of this story. It has so much potential. I'm left with a hanging feeling as I wait for the next installment.
First, the Cons- It was difficult to find cons honestly. If I had to choose something it would be how the mother decided to inform her son about the state of his father. While in the mothers world, it has a perfectly fine explanation and the fathers absence is understood, the boy has a completely different view on it. I feel like the mother would have completely left her son out of the situation, especially since she never planned on telling him who he was. It was barely an issue though, considering the son probably has a slight inkling there's something funny going on. Another thing was the tone of the story was always on high. I feel like there's never a crescendo or low. It was most likely intentional though, it was a high stress situation after all.
Next, the Pros- As another reviewer mentioned, excellent characterization and dialogue. I loved reading through it. It was both easy to understand and read the situation. The plot moved along smoothly, never really jarring or blasting us with it (plot). The details that were left out left me thirsting for more. Who are these people? Why do they have special powers? It excites me to wonder about it!
Awesome story, Waiting for the next part!:)






Thank you :) i will post the next chapter soon. Umm...as for the con with the mother and son, Ayden does know about his father, the fact that he has one, that is. The thing that he does not know is about mahgic and the mahgic realm, that is why he was confused about where his father was when they where speaking of him. Hope that clears things up. Thank you again :') I really do appreciate it.



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Sun Mar 24, 2013 3:51 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

It's getting late and I'm a little too tired to write a full review, but I'll give you a condensed review for now.

First I'd like to say that I am completely hooked on this story. I really, really want to know what happens next! This chapter had just the right amount of information and just the right amount of mystery to make me want to keep reading. For example, I want to know more about this world that the family is from and more about the dad and more about this Jade girl.

You're character development is really good. I feel like I know exactly who Jade is and what kind of person she is. And the cool part is that you used her thoughts and conversations effectively in order to describe her. I can tell that she has a bit of a temper because she's thinking mean things about her father in the beginning. Then she gets mad at her mother later because she won't tell her anything else about her father. And at that point, you use dialogue to show how she reacts to people.

One little grammatical thing I wanted to focus on in this review is your use of ellipses. Not sure if you're familiar with the term, so in case you're not, an ellipsis is a line of three dots that are usually used when condensing quotes. Personally I never use an ellipsis in my writing unless I am depicting a character's voice trailing off. You used an ellipsis in a few spots of dialogue, but a majority of them are in the rest of the story (does that part have a name??). I know that writing in first person means you can tell the readers exactly what the main character is thinking, but ellipses shouldn't be needed when expressing thoughts. If you think about it, when you think about something you don't pause, like an ellipsis would suggest. Instead, you just barrel on from one thought to another, right? That's the way I look at it. If i were you, I would take out the ellipses from the parts that aren't dialogue.

I apologize if I spelled anything wrong or just rambled on without making any sense in this review. Like I said, I'm real tired, but I couldn't read this without reviewing it. I love it so much! You did a great job and I really can't wait until the next chapter. I smell an awesome adventure brewing!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**






Oh my goodness :') Thank you so much. I treasure every bit of your advice and I will take it into consideration the next time I edit. Thank you for the compliments, they really help me to keep believing in myself. I will try to post the next chapter soon, though it will probably be unedited. As for the ellipsis, i feel like they kind of slow certain things down. When read without them, they give certain things a fast pace. In certain places, i would prefer it to be read slower, but i will see where they are and are not necessary :). Thank you again




The person who has no opinion will seldom be wrong.
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