Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

E - Everyone

Toutouwai Kakariki

by ajit8a

The wind licks his legs
And tugs at his wings.
The updraft catches him
Cupping his body
And holding him up.

Magically he lifts and glides,
the clouds seem to form two words...

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
9 Reviews

Points: 609
Reviews: 9

Sun Mar 24, 2013 9:26 pm
KelliLocks wrote a review...

Hello, Goldi here!! Welcome (we joined on the same day *gasp*) haha on with the review! I have a question, is this poem about an animal or human or just you don't know. Getting on with it, I really like this poem and wish you could have written more to it. The first and second line gave me the chills (I don't know why) but the way you worded them are beautiful. Second I love how you gave the clouds human characteristics, (there is a word for that I'm sure) but wouldn't it make more sense as "the wind seem to form two words". Just my opinion, keep writing!!!

ajit8a says...

Thanks Goldi, my name is A.J and I will try to follow you!

User avatar
662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Sun Mar 24, 2013 5:15 pm
dogs wrote a review...

Hello there Ajit! Dogs here with your review today. Firstly, if I may say: WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here. I'm Tucker, and if you need anything, a review, some help, advice, ANYTHING! Let me know and I'd be more than happy to help you out. Anywho, on to ze review! After some reasearch, I think a "Toutouwai Kakariki" is some sort of bird, but I really am not sure what that is or what its purpose it is. I was a little confused in that regard.

On another note, I really adore how you use the clouds to create those words, great description in that regard. I would certainly say that the imagery is certainly the strongest aspect of your writing here, you paint a wonderful picture in the readers head remarkably well.

I think the only thing I really have to nick here is really what is the purpose of this poem? What is the purpose of Toutouwai Kakariki? How does that relate back to your writing and the imagery of the image you're describing in the first stanza. It's a bit of a gray spot in your writing and I'm not entirely sure how to write it, try to make your message and why you're writing the piece clearer.

All and all wonderful writing, again just beautiful description. I really hope to read more of your writing in the future, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

User avatar
179 Reviews

Points: 11017
Reviews: 179

Sun Mar 24, 2013 10:50 am
View Likes
guineapiggirl wrote a review...

HI. I'm here to review! But first, welcome to YWS!
I like this poem and it's very good for something you wrote when 10! That said, most of my poems were better when I was really young... Nowadays they're all pretentious, if i manage to write them at all. Ah well...
Anyway, this is really quite nice, although I think I'm missing the meanign because I don't know what the last two words mean. I tried google translating it and it seemed to think it was from the language Basque but then wouldn't tell me what they meant.
I don't really like the dot dot dot at the end of the second to last line
"the clouds seem to form two words..."

Dot dot dots in poems annoy me. I'd just make it a colon: :. that would look good :D

Also, this line:

"The updraft catches him"

should have a comma at the end of it.

Nice poem! Welcome, again, to YWS! I hope I've helped!

User avatar
1314 Reviews

Points: 23411
Reviews: 1314

Sun Mar 24, 2013 5:31 am
Hannah wrote a review...

I love the importance of the name in this poem, but at the same time it feels very odd to me because I have no idea what toutouwai kakariki means. After googling, is it a bird?

See, that's odd, because when I thought it wasn't a bird (since your first mention was LEGS instead of WINGS, making me feel like the legs were his primary means of motion and the wings were something special -- I thought of a mystical animal or maybe even a flying human), I liked the poem better. Now that I know it's just a bird, I feel more disappointed.

I'd like a poem about the Toutouwai Kakariki if it told me more specific things about what this particular bird looks like or acts like. Most birds fly. Most birds get cupped in the updraft and glide. What's different about the bird you loved so much you wanted to write a poem about it? What caught your attention? Give me that, not the usual things. (:

I love the broad image of the clouds forming somehow these words, because it really brings the essence of this little being into the sky that is his home -- some kind of communication that doesn't need to be spoken because they are part of one another. I think those last three lines are the strength of this piece.

Hopefully this will be helpful to you as you move forward.
PM me if you have any comments or questions, please.
Good luck, and keep writing!

ajit8a says...

Sorry about it being a bird. :)

User avatar
122 Reviews

Points: 3690
Reviews: 122

Sun Mar 24, 2013 4:05 am
umaima wrote a review...

Umaima here to review your submission.

First of all I think you should put more time before submitting your work, now let that be here or anywhere else. Read it once and see if you actually like it. Of course if you are like me then you won't know what's wrong until someone tells you so here I am.

The first mistake that was clearly seen. From when I started here till now there is one thing that I learned was most important, punctuation. Even if your piece is 2 lines long, you have to make sure that it doesn't contain any such grammatical mistake. Well there were just two or three punctuation mistakes but aside that I felt the first line does not make sense. The wind doesn't lick it blows and mentioning the word lick here only makes it awkward. Try something else with it.

Next the ending. Try to make it attractive, convincing. It gives a lot of points to the poem.

Lastly I would like to advise you to concentrate on your rhythm. It is the most important aspect after the poem's meaning. You should try to make it go with a flow. So the reader enjoys reading it. The better the rhythm the more the reader will enjoy while reading it! You can Bling or Google about rhythmic structures of poems and view some examples. It's quite easy. You just need to pput a little effort in it :)

Though I would say that according to your age this is quiet good. But If you concentrate on your mistakes I bet you will grow into an amazing writer! And yes whatever I mentioned were just suggestions. It's on you whether to take it or leave it.

Hope this helped you! :D keep writing and best of luck for your next work

User avatar
229 Reviews

Points: 11589
Reviews: 229

Sun Mar 24, 2013 2:02 am
SushiSashimi333 says...

I liked the way that this was described. Just a question though, what do the last words at the end mean? I like the way that you used those for the title too.

User avatar
60 Reviews

Points: 595
Reviews: 60

Sun Mar 24, 2013 12:50 am
BrokenSkye wrote a review...

Well, for a ten year old's work this isn't bad at all. I do suggest you make it all one stanza though with it being so short. And I would love to see if you could turn this into something bigger. You used great imagery. Spelling is all right, along with grammar. The only lines that don't have punctuation are lines four and five of the first stanza, I would consider adding that, only because you capitalized the next lines.

Overall, I loved this. It painted me a picture, I just wish that there was more to the painting. I hope that this helps more than upsets. I noticed you were new and I don't want to offend you. Welcome to YWS, it is a fantastic site for improving on your work. Can't wait to see more from you!

ajit8a says...

Thank you so much. First review goes to you. XD

By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
— Winston Churchill