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by uncletyoyo

The man in me is a great one

He controls my feelings and refrains me from messing up

The man in me is courageous,fears no man but God

The man in me is a strong one no man can have such strength

The man in me is considerate,loving and Cheerful,treating everybody the same

The man in me does not miss-treating anyone

The man in me treats his woman with respect and never reaps where he had not sown

This is the man in me and this is the man i want to be!

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Sun Mar 24, 2013 7:33 am
Hannah wrote a review...

First of all, love the positivity! I think it's important for us to write poems that celebrate our happiness and pride as well as our downfalls. I know I'm prone to writing sadder poems, so the strength in this poem caught me first.

The next thing that caught me were a couple grammatical mistakes, though.
For example, to refrain from something means to not do it. But it is not a transitive verb in the way that you can say "refrain me". You might say "restrain me", which means to tie up or make so it's impossible to move, but those are two different verbs. You might say "stops me from messing up" or "keeps me from messing up", but you can't use refrain there.

Next, "miss-treating", unless intentional, should be "mistreat". We use simple present tense to talk about things that are generally true and present progressive to talk about things that are ongoing actions, but you've used simple present in your poem until now, so why suddenly the "ing"? "The man in me does not mistreat anyone" works better.

Now, as for content, I think this is a personal poem and probably will not effectively move anyone else if they're not in the mood to see someone be confident in themselves. The thing that most interests me is the idea of not reaping where you haven't sown in regards to women. I think this gets into something really concrete and political, where other lines (especially the strong one -- I'm strong, no one else is strong) are more abstract and vague.

If you wanted this poem to appeal to a wide audience, I'd focus less on "me me me" and see in what way this poem can ring with others without losing that message of self-assurance and power. How does your confidence help or hinder others?

I hope this review was helpful.

PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good luck and keep writing!

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241 Reviews

Points: 286
Reviews: 241

Wed Mar 20, 2013 1:39 pm
Jonathan says...

Very nice work. :D

But I am not quit sure what you mean by it?

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30 Reviews

Points: 744
Reviews: 30

Tue Mar 19, 2013 12:25 am
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ScandalousPhoenix wrote a review...

Ayyyee Uncletyoyo,

I am going to review you hope you don't mind..

This poem holds a lot of meaning, but I felt as if it just wasn't expressed enough. I felt as if I was racing through this poem since there was no place where I could take a breath. Commas and periods help a lot! This is a good poem, the only thing wrong with it really is the punctuation!

Maybe you could do it like this:
The man in me is a great one,

He controls my feelings, and refrains me from messing up.

The man in me is courageous, fears no man but God.

The man in me is a strong one, no man can have such strength.

The man in me is considerate, loving and cheerful, treating everybody the same.

The man in me does not miss-treating anyone. (<-- I don't think you need this, you already stated this in the line above.)

The man in me treats his woman with respect, never reaps where he had not sown.

This is the man in me and this is the man i want to be!

In the last line to give it more "Omph" so to say, you may want to break the line down. It will make the reader reflect on it a bit more since it is the last line.

Hope you find this helpfull! <333

Random avatar
Iwish says...

I think it is a man we all want to be......but this describes being perfect which I can't do.. Anyway good job

uncletyoyo says...

thank you very much guys for the review..i will surely consider that

Every empire tells itself and the world that it is unlike all other empires.
— Edward Said