Olivia
The message pops up and, I hear the little ding. I turn from the window at the sound of it, and race over to my unmade bed. My toned, tanned legs flexing as I jump over my dirty shirts, shorts, boxers, and socks that are discard on the floor to where my laptop is sitting. I know if someone were to walk into my mess of a room and took my picture right now I would look like a goof with the enormous smile that is stretched across my face. I don't know how she does it but she can always make me smile.
The message reads: Heyy my Aussie boy you're on!!!! I've missed you soooo much Finn!!! It was from her, my lil' darling, the love of my life, Olivia.
I placed my hands on the keys and started typing.
I’ve missed you so much more tho :)
nah... I did. <3 How’d you sleep?
I slept good. I had this mad dream about a monkey in a bikini tho lol. How was school today?
Boring like usual. :p I’m going to my dads tonight so we can... well I can stay up all night talking to you. :) anyway hows the weather in Sydney today?
cool :) it's nice and hot today. so what are you doing right now bubs?
I’m getting ready to go over to his house. wbu?
well i am talking to the most beautiful, sweet, kind, and funny person to ever walk on the face of the Earth. <3
awww you’re too sweet. And my mommy says hi.
Oh... i say hi back...
What’s wrong babe?
nothing...
No. Tell me. Please? :(
i just havent told my parents about us yet cos you no they wont like that you live so far away :/
oh well yeah but they know we’re pen pals right? and my mom wasn't easy to accept it either but she’s fine with it now considering we have been dating for 3 months now.
yeah they no. only james knows we are a couple tho. Do you really think i should tell them?
well yeah cause they could help you with getting enough money to come here. and maybe if they knew they could all come here for like a vacation or something and our families could hang out and get to know each other. I mean doesn’t that make sense?
yah i guess babygirl.
Then I hear my sister calling to me from the other end of the house. “What do you want Chelsea?” I yell back. She never answers me because my best friend James walks into my room in just his board shorts and I realize she was telling me he is here. I can see his hair is wet and I smell the unique scent of the ocean come off of him as he sits on my bed next to me. “Hey, you just get back from a surf?” I ask.
“Yeah, thought I would stop by and hang out for a little bit,” he says. “I was also going to try to convince you to go with me for another surf, but I see that will be impossible considering no one can convince you to do anything right now.”
“Why is that?” I say while I look at the new message Olivia just sent me, not really paying attention to what he is saying. I place my hands on the keyboard and start to reply to her, chuckling to myself about what she is saying. I hear James talking, but it is just background noise. I’m sure he is saying something important, because the next thing I know, I am sitting on the floor looking up at a laughing James.
“Did you hear anything I said, or were you too busy talking to your girlfriend?”
“I heard some of what you said. Why’d you push me?” I ask.
“Well, I pushed you because you weren’t paying attention to me,” he says with a big smile on his face, and a mischievous glint in his eyes as he reaches down and gives me a hand up. “How is she, anyway?”
“She’s pretty well. Still trying to convince me to tell mom and dad about us.”
“Oh, why won’t you anyway? I mean you guys have been dating for a long while, well it is your longest relationship, and it beats my record. She has told her parents, right?”
“Yeah, she did. I just don’t know how to tell mine. I want to and everything because you know I myself don’t have the money to go see her and they could help me. I just think they will hate that she lives in another country.”
“Well, yeah, duh. I know it’s going to be hard, but I agree with her on this. It’s better to tell them and see how they react than to never know.”
“Yeah, I guess you guys are right, but right now let’s go for that surf,” I say
“What about Olivia?” James asks.
“She is on her way to her dad’s house and won’t be back for about an hour. I know it’ll take longer than that because we are fish, ha ha, but she knows we are going to the beach.”
“Alright, let’s go.”
Ð
When I get back to my robin-egg colored home, Chelsea is outside playing on the green, freshly trimmed lawn with her dolls. I can tell Dad just cut it because of the light breeze blowing the scent over my body, making my brown hair shift slightly. I step inside and I see a new batch of brownies on the table, and my mom busily working on the counter behind them. I go to reach for a piece of soft, chocolaty, goodness when Mom turns around and slaps my hand away. “No, these are for the party your sister’s class is having tomorrow. If you’re lucky, there will still be some left at the end of the day,” she scolds me. “And your father and I need to talk to you. Edward, hunny, come in here.”
“About?” I ask nervously, going over in my head all the terrible deeds I’ve done lately that I could get a talking to about.
She hesitates for a moment then takes a deep breath, “Your girlfriend.”
Ð
Everything around me gets blurry for a second while I sit down in a chair and take this in. “How do they know? When did they figure it out? What am I going to say?” All these thoughts swirl around in my head just as Dad comes into the room. My parents sit down across from me. I think of something quick to say. “I... what are you talking about? I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“Oh, cut the crap, son, your Mom and I overheard you and James talking today about how you should tell us, but you didn’t know what we’d say.”
“Oh,” is all I reply.
“We are fine with you having a girlfriend because you seem really happy with her based on what we overheard. We would just like to know about her, that’s all,” Mom says to me.
“Well, that’s kind of why I haven’t told you that we are dating. She doesn’t live near us at all,” I quietly say the last part.
“Just tell us all about her, Finn. We won’t judge you no matter where on this planet she lives.”
“Really, Dad?”
“Yes.”
“Well, she is so nice and sweet and funny and caring and beautiful and perfect and amazing.” I talk about her for 20 minutes with a big smile on my face. The whole time my parents keep glancing at each other, smiling. By the time I’m done, Chelsea has come inside and sat at the table on Mom’s lap and the sun has set. I add a few last words about her quietly and quickly, “Her name is Olivia and she lives in the United States.”
Dad looks at me curiously. “Uhm, son, how do you know her if she lives all the way over there? That’s quite a ways away, are you even sure she’s real?”
“You see, I knew this would happen if I told you guys!” I say, annoyed with them. “I should have just kept my mouth shut and denied the whole damn thing!”
“Now, just calm down Finn. We said we wouldn’t judge you, and we won’t,” mom says, and places her hand on Dad’s thigh, squeezing it lightly. “Will we, hunny?”
“No, dear, we won’t, just like we said.”
“Good. Let’s hear the story of how you met her.”
“Okay, I guess,” I say as I relax back into my chair more, looking at my hands, that are resting in my lap. “Well, do you remember that pen pal program the school had last year?”
“I do, your Dad probably doesn’t.”
“That’s how we know each other.”
Mom and Dad sat back in their chair contemplating this for about 10 minutes while I sat there in the awkward silence trying to figure out what the heck they were thinking. "Well," Dad slowly said. "I guess that is alright. I mean, at least you have been talking for a while and you know who she’s real. I’m glad you met her through a school program instead of on the internet."
"Yeah, I really think she is an amazing person."
"It really seems like you're in love with her. Reminds me of your father and I when we met, back in high school," Mom says as she looks over at Dad smiling.
Dad blushes and coughs embarrassingly. "Yeah, it's true. We were crazy about each other, and we still are," he kisses the tip of her nose smiling, making her blush.
"Wow, that's cool," I say then quickly mumble in a quiet voice, "I just wish I could meet her in person."
"What did you say?"
"I just wish I could meet her in person, that's all," I say longingly.
"Oh, well, we haven’t taken our family vacation yet this year, and we haven’t yet been to the U.S." Mom says.
“Are you being serious and actually thinking about going?” I ask excitedly.
“Yes, I’m being one-hundred percent serious. Our trip to England last year was fun, we all enjoyed ourselves there,” Mom happily replies.
"I have to ask you something first son."
"Yes Dad?"
"What state does she live in? Ha ha."
"Oh, right, I haven’t told you. It’s Maine. It's in the Northeast part of the country," I say smiling.
“Okay, so, when is your next school break? We’ll plan on going during that time. Oh, and one more question, what is the weather like there?” Mom asks me.
“My break is in three weeks. It’s winter there right now, and in Maine it snows during the winter so it is going to be cold, really, really cold.”
“Okay, me and your mother will get us all coats and warm clothes, we’ll also get the flight and all the other travel details figured out and arranged in that time. Does that sound fun, Chelsea, actual snow to play in?”
“It sound like so much fun, Dad! Wait, what is snow?”
“Ha ha, you’ll find out when we get there. I bet you will absolutely love it!” Mom says as she kisses her cheek.
“I can’t believe this is actually going to happen. I mean, I’ve always dreamed of it happening, but I never actually thought you would agree to it. I love you guys so, so, sooo much!”
“We love you too,” says Dad happily grinning.
Ð
Omg thats great news babe!!!!!! :D when did you tell them?
i told them three weeks ago. :3
and you’re just telling me now? whyd you wait sooo long???? D:
cause i wanted it to be a surprise to you <3
well you def surprised me! :*
Ik :D I cant wait to be there and see you in person and have our families meet! Its going to be so much fun! :D <3<3<3
Im so happy you finally told them. You see I told you they might help! :)
Yeah you did tell me :) ill be leaving in a few hours and should get there in 2 days. i wish i could just teleport there instead of having to take all these diff planes. :p but atleast i get to see you!
i can’t wait! I'll be there waiting for you and your family <3 I love you soooooo much Finn.
I love you soooo much too Olivia.
Oh and just to remind you it's really cold here so you will want to bring a lot of warm clothes.
Yes babe I did remember dad got alot of warm coats and gloves and hats and pants and even underwear. :$
Alright lol :) I gtg now. Moms calling me lol. So ill see you when you get here! Okay?? :D :D :D
Yes of course. Ill miss you while we can't talk. :(
I'll miss you more ;) lol I love you so much. See you soon. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I love you so much too! Talk to you soon! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3
Ð
We get off the plane, and walk into the actual airport. I scan the crowd and find her before she finds us. She’s standing there with a colorful sign that says “The Masterson Family” in bold letters, searching the crowd for us. When she finally spots us, our eyes lock, and everything else but her beautiful face, which is framed in brown, wavy tendrils of her hair, goes blurry and fades into nothingness. I feel the smile that tugs at my lips, and I give in and let it expand across my face, as I stare into her gorgeous, green eyes.Points:
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138,720 Literary Works • 672,257 Reviews
I like how you wrote in actual 'text speak', complete with a few errors--it feels very realistic. The description on the first paragraph is good, too--I liked the description of his room, even if it was brief. You did a good job of capturing Finn's panic when his parents find out, and his relief when they're ok with it.
I wish Finn and Olivia's personalities and their relationship had been explored more. They seemed interesting, and I wanted to know more about them. I almost wanted to see some conflict in their relationship, if only to show that they're normal teenagers who fight and make up.
I liked the description when they finally meet each other--the way you write it makes it feel like time slows down for them. I also like the 'fade-to-black' ending.
Keep up the good work
Thanks for the awesome review! Honestly I could have done better with more time and not having a page limit but I did so I made the best of it when I wrote it, at least the best I could a few years ago.
Loved the text messages and appropriate language. I love how the smilies/emoticons you choice (or choose not to use) correlated with their genders.
Love this. :3Oh, an interesting topic about talking to people online/pen pals/dating. I know my parents are still reluctant about the topic and I have friends who dealt with this issue too.
Loved that you had him get upset at the first sign of 'objection'. That's very common with kids his age. Especially when spending twenty minutes to open up about something so sensitive. That definitely leaves someone vulnerable and defensive.
Love this. It's a very small gesture that says so much and can be interpreted in many ways. It would be great if you could use more of this through out.
Great description here.
D'aww.
Here's some corrections/suggestions:
If you're going to put a comma at a conjunction, it should be before the conjunction word. Though, for 'and', the comma is unnecessary, but writer's choice. ^_^
Should be 'flex'. Remove 'to' before 'where my'.
Story has been established in first tense. Therefore, for tense consistences, it should be 'knew that', 'take', and 'will'. In fact, you switch tenses quite a lot. It's okay In dialogue but not in monologue/description.
'But' is the only conjunction where the comma is necessary, unless you can replace it with 'nor'.
It would be nice to see how she knew something was wrong here. Also, it would be nice to see some monologue/description of what Finn is doing while reading/typing. Think about what what you do when you're in-ing/texting. Do you pause to contemplate what to say? Do you go back an edit what you were going to say. Do you see someone else edit what they say and wonder what they were initially planning on saying? Ect.
Should be commas around 'James'.
If these are thoughts, they should be in single quotes.
Remove the comma after 'son' and make it a period. Then capitalize 'your' accordingly. Also, this moment, when his father calls him on his bull, you have a great opportunity to give internal dialogue by Finn. In fact, there's other scenes like this.
Put a period after 'cold' and alter the first 'really' accordingly. There's other incidences where you should slit your run on sentences.
I love that you're using a modern teen tone to your monologue, but it would be better if you still expanded more on your descriptions and emotions.
hey,
so I wanted to return the favor of following me by reviewing something of yours. I think you did a pretty good job of building tension in certain scenes in this story. the whole lead up to the discussion with the discussion with Finn's parents was very tense. the problem I had with it is that the tension pretty much dissipates after their discussion. I mean it's nice that Finn and Olivia's parents are so understanding, but in order for this to be a story there needs to be something wrong, something keeping them from being together that threatens to doom their relationship from the very beginning. basically what I'm saying is that this story has tension but no conflict.
to figure out what the conflict is or what it should be you need to ask yourself this question, "what's at stake?" when you've figured that out the next thing you need to ask yourself is "how can I make what's at stake come through in the text?" when you've got that down the plot will pretty much take off on its own. your job then is just making sure the plot has a clear path to its inevitable conclusion. make sense?
also, you should really take a second look at the dialogue. there were a lot of talking heads in this piece, that's blocks of text with no action between them. dialogue serves two purposes in fiction, building tension and moving the plot forward. and keep in mind not all dialogue needs to be in quotation marks. the mundane parts of speech, like greetings and small-talk, can be covered in summary dialogue. save the quotes for only the hardest hitting lines your characters say.
that's about all I have for now. let me know if you have any questions.
Hey!
I love your story! The dialogues, the emotions, the feeling of being in love and the complications often following a long distance relationship is beautifully written! Good job
Thank you
The first piece sounds like poetry.
....
Who is she?.
Was it intentional that there is a bit of miss spelling when they talk?.
(You know who she’s real)(you know that she is real).
(“Ha ha, you’ll find out when we get there. I bet you will absolutely love it!” Mom says as she kisses her cheek.) Who is her.
He must be very short to have to reach up to touch her face.
Well nice work your grammar is most excellent.
Yes, I did make the spelling errors on purpose when they were talking. Thanks for pointing out on some of the awkward wording I had and, mentioning some of the things I forgot to change. I appreciate the help; thanks.
This is really good! I love the descriptions, both sensory, and dialogue wise. The way the characters interact is realistic and entertaining.
One thing that would make the story a lot more compelling though is conflict. Things happen a little too easily so far. The character has a passion, a need, for the girl, so that could create the tension.... but the problem is solved too easily. If his need to be with the girl isn't going to be hard to overcome, there needs to be bridging conflicts, other problems or sources of tension that keep the reader interested until the main conflict, whatever it might be, comes into play.
I mean, its enjoyable to read because its so warmly human, I just feel like if you wanted to make it publishable, you'd have to put barriers between him and the girl, ideals that he has to go against to be with her, or trouble from the parents. Things like that make the story worth getting to the end.
Hope that helps! It was really good.
Thanks for the advice! I would have added more conflict and made things more difficult but, I had a page limit plus a short amount of time to write it. I think I will keep working on it in my spare time.
What are you going to say.
Ah, one of those white holes in the universe opening up again. They seem to follow me everywhere, sorry about that