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16+ Violence

Prologue: A Fair Kill.

by StoneHeart


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

So guys, this is my entry for Dog's short story contest (Or at least, part of it). Let me know what you think, and please. KILL IT WITH REVIEWS. Be murderous, but don't be unfair.

*Deep breath* here goes. . .

Prologue: A Fair Kill.

It was a cold night; a soft breeze blew through the streets, hinting of the coming blizzard.

James shivered and pulled his thick cloak closer about him. He stood in the narrow doorway, peering out into the deserted backstreet; he should be here by now!

Trash bins lay all about, heaped with stinking garbage, the asphalt street was dark and wet from the soft rain that had come early that afternoon. The light of the single street lamp glowed dimly, lighting a small circle of brick wall and trash cans.

There was a crash from the corner of the street opposite him and he started, staring into the gloom” Hey, you there?” He called.

There was no answer.

Carefully he reached inside his jacket and pulled out a long thin pistol with a heavy black silencer on the end of the barrel” Mr. Mason!” He called.

He edged toward the garbage bin where the sound had come from, keeping his gun ready, but not threatening.

The backstreets of Gotham where not safe in any way, even for criminals . . .

Especially for criminals!

A large dark shape moved in the shadows suddenly, and leveling his pistol, he was about to shoot when he heard soft footsteps behind him.

His heart beat fast as he spun around, coming face to face with a man. The light was behind him though, and he couldn’t see any features of his face” Mr. Mason?” He asked carefully, keeping his gun ready.

“Mr. Brandon.” The other man replied in a strange, slightly high pitched voice.

James lowered his gun, he recognized the voice easily.

Earlier that day he’d been in his office at the railroad station, trying to get through the passengers through as fast as he could, when the phone rang.

He’d picked it up.” Hello, Gotham Central Station.”

The voice on the other end of the line wasn’t what he had expected; it was the voice of the same man as the one who stood before him.” Mr. Brandon?”

He frowned” Yes, Mr. . . .?”

He didn’t recognize the voice.

“Mason. I have something I need done.” The voice said, strange with that high pitched edge.” And I hear you’re the best man for the job.”

His frown deepened, quickly becoming suspicious. He hadn’t always been a law abiding citizen of Gotham, and if anything, he didn’t want to go back.” What kind of job?”

“A well paid job.” The voice had answered.” I’ll give you 500 grand if you get it done for me, meet me behind () at eleven a-clock Monday if you’re interested.” The line had abruptly been cut.

500 hundred grand was a lot for anybody, and the temptation had been too much, I’ll at least see what it is, he had decided.

“What’s the job?” He asked, now certain that it was Mr. Mason standing before him.

“I need someone . . . taken care of.” Mr. Mason answered.

James frowned.” I’m not an assassin.” He said firmly.

“You used to be.”

“That was a long time ago.” He answered, not thoroughly suspicious.” I’ve become a straight man; I don’t want my past back in my life.”

The other man stared at him, his face invisible, though strangely pale. He didn’t answer.

James fingered his gun more readily.” Anyway, who told you?” He licked his lips nervously.

He could have sworn that the other man smiled” A friend of ours.”

“Look, Mr.” James growled.” I don’t want anything to do with you. My life changed for the better, and I don’t want, or have, to go back.”

He would have turned, but had a feeling this wouldn’t be a good idea.

“What about your family?” Chuckled Mr. Mason slowly, that high pitched edge in his voice making the words sound threatening.

James heart beat faster,” They’re not part of this!”

The other man chuckled cruelly” Really?” His voice sounded slightly insane.” Do this job and I’ll give you 500 grand.”

James sighed; his present job was terribly paid. But he had had to live with it, the people who’d given him the job hadn’t asked him any questions, and that had made him content. But his family practically lived in the slums . . . if he was careful no questions would be asked about how he got the money.” Make it 750 and I’ll do it. But on one condition!”

“Oh, and what’s that?”

“Don’t make this a habit.” James growled.” I won’t be doing this twice! And forget you ever met me, got it!”

The other man nodded, it was pretty standard procedure.” I’ll give you two hundred and fifty now; and another five hundred when the job’s done.”

The man reached into his coat and pulled out a roll of bills, fresh and crisp.

James frowned and looked at them carefully; he didn’t want to be paid in marked or counterfeit bills.

But they were quite real, quickly he flipped through them. It was two hundred and fifty.

The other man glanced at him, his voice still strangely high pitched.” Don’t make a mess.”

“Who’s the guy?” James asked, nervously fiddling with the bills in one hand while his other held his pistol tightly.

“I want you to kill Bruce Wayne.”

James sighed.” He’s already dead? Remember, he –“

The other man cut him off.” He isn’t! Just do it.”

James shook his head, a small smile creasing his face. Slowly he leveled his pistol and pulled the trigger. There was a surprised cry, a splatter of blood on asphalt, and Mr. Mason fell on his face, with a bullet through his chest.

Quickly he searched the dead man’s jacket, and pulled out another two rolls of 250 thousand dollars each, then leaning over him, he started, the man wasn’t dead yet.” Why? Why did you do that . . . ?” He asked weakly.

James put the gun to the dying man’s temple.” See, I could have gotten that 750 grand by killing your guy, who I have nothing against. Or I could have just killed you, the real bad guy, and taken the money” He pulled the trigger for the second time.” Doing this, I do society a favor, and get paid for it.”

The man went still.

James glanced up and down the empty street. He saw a man a flash of movement and the dark shape of a man ran out from behind the trash cans, heading for the main street. He leveled his gun and pulled the trigger again. There was an empty echo up and down the street and the man fell on his face, dead.

James sighed; he’d promised his wife that he would never kill another man. That had been fifteen years ago, and he had kept up his promise . . . until now.

Slowly he turned, replaced his gun, and walked up the street and onto the highway; there he got in a taxi and drove away.

All he left behind was two dead men; and a spreading pool of blood on the asphalt road.


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120 Reviews


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Wed May 08, 2013 8:05 pm
ladcat13 wrote a review...



I can't really say anything that hasn't been said already. Interruptions in the flow because of formatting and commas, cliche, quotation mark spacing, and that's it. Nothing that can't be easily resolved. I think you did an overall great job on this and it's not expected to be perfect anyway. No one's work ever is. Not even yours truly ;) So don't be discouraged and, as usual, keep writing!






When this Green Room Crisis is over with I'm going to flood YWS with my works.



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Sun Mar 10, 2013 8:50 pm
JayBlu wrote a review...



This is a riveting piece of writing. The storyline is intense and I love the killing in this part mainly because I like violence and action in my reading. I'm not big on grammar and punctuation merely because my own suck and I can't be a hypocrite until I resolve my own issues with grammar and etc.

Yet as far as storyline, the witing was consistent and the visualization of it all for me personally was great. Sorry I don't have much else to say, I'm not really the best reviewer because of my lack of grammar skills. Later.






Hey, hey! No problem.

Thanks, I'm always glad to hear an opinion on my stories from a reader!
It's great.

Sorry, this isn't quite top-notch yet :P But I'm working on it!



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Sun Mar 10, 2013 4:01 pm
umaima wrote a review...



hey black,
I will give you a short review on this one because there arent that many mistake,
first of all read it once again because the mistakes that you made are pretty well seen,
eg: ..staring into the gloom" hey, you there?" he...
The mistake here is the inverted commas, it should be "hey, you there"
this mistake is seen throughout the story like you were typing really fast and one more thing. i didn't get why there were two dead men lying in the end...that part was a little unclear.
else than this your story was really great, enjoyed reading it and I could totally imagine the whole situation while reading it which is another positive point. Keep on the good work

umaima






O.o

Thanks, appreciated.
I actually wrote these entire two chapters in only a couple hours. TOTALLY UNEDITED> So yeah, they definitely need a LOT of work.

But! Thanks.



umaima says...


glad it helped :)



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Sun Mar 10, 2013 11:21 am
Caesar wrote a review...



Hi BlackNether12! You mentioned you wanted this murdered, thus, I comply.

My main issue with this was the flow. The use of commas/full-stops really jarred this and made me have to blink and read things twice at times. No short should make one do that. My second issue is this is a Batman fan-fiction and I really dislike Batman, but that's irrelevant. I'll try not to be biased and take this at face value.

Right, so, you introduce us with the weather. I've noticed you like to do that. Here however, it's not quite a paragraph of it, but a few sentences. Next, a man standing in an alley. I can picture this so easily, so vividly... but because I've seen/read this so many times. It's not a very original intro. I'd say the piece as a whole isn't very original at all; however, who cares all that much, cliche is fun to write. I like writing cliche things too. It's appealing. However, at least you could have described things in more detail, possibly the man. Better yet, what the man wants, why he's there. Just a brief, tantalizing, mysterious taste. Something to keep the readers hooked until the next tantalizing hint. I do, on the other hand, like your description of the alley, with the asphalt and the trash and such. Perhaps add in something about the moon and the snow? :P

The same goes further on, mayhaps the office or the train station. Regardless, moving on.

Your flashback scene. It's done horribly. Like, I had to check back and forth to make sure it was indeed a flashback. Now, I'm not saying italics are strictly necessary, however you should at least use the tenses properly within your flashback, and then give us clear indication of when it ends. Instead now, I'm left to think he killed Mr. Mason in the flashback itself, and yeah, that's probably not what you were going for.

He’d picked it up.” Hello, Gotham Central Station.”


That's the right tense. Past participle, I believe. However, since it's not very clear it's a flashback, I
recommend using it in the entire flashback. That way it makes sense. I may be mistaken, do ask someone on YWS who grasps grammar better than I (perhaps Hannah). Now, this can be done away with, but only in cases like Manzoni's work -- the man had flashback scenes that lasted pages and pages. In this case, however, it's not quite effective.

And since I do find myself on the subject, we might as well address the issue of your character, Mr. Brandon. He led an interesting life in the past, but it's very vague and such. He seems to be a misguided idealist, much like Batman. He says he wants to live a clean life, but doesn't hesitate in shooting someone and taking money that was probably illegally obtained, and certainly not legally his (it's not a legal transaction, after all). Thus he has indeed broken the law, multiple laws. I wonder how he'll manage to hide a sudden increase in income of 750,000 from his boss, coworkers and friends. Good luck with that.


In short, you may want to re-read this, play around with your commas, fix your flashback, and think about possible plotholes I may have brought up.

Hope this helped
~Ita






Thanks!

Very useful review here.
Just so you know, this was a very,very,very quick first draft that, I admit, needs a massive amount of work.

Dog's didn't give me much choice one where to go . . . But I like Batman so, it's not important.

I know, the logic, the plot, the flashback (ARGH), and everything all need work! But, it is a first draft after all!

Thanks.




The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec