Young Writers Society

'Ello Spinelli,

Shady here with your review.

I agree with Pengu entirely with her review. This isn't really a narrative, and it's a bit hard to read. I think you need fewer questions and more answers.

I love long sentences, but your first paragraph is just run on an a bit hard to follow. I think you could make at least three sentences out of it.

So on and so forth is the method, until a person understands, until their dreams come true, until they fully transcend out of the ordinary, until they become a transparent eyeball, become illuminated, become content, satisfied, happy, until they get what they want.

Yo Spinelli,

I think you've categorised this incorrectly, cause it certainly isn't a narrative. It's philosophical and it's a bit of a rant and it tells a little bit of a story, but it isn't a narrative. A narrative needs a series of events, a conflict and a climax, characters and settings. You know all of this I'm sure. You're richly aware of irony and satire, but I shall not be frightened away from writing a review!

This is too short, and too run on. I think you intend that first paragraph to be run on, which is fine but you continue with some rhetorical questions and these go on for too long. We need some meat to this philosophising. We get that in the first paragraph because we get some examples, some imagery, something to sink our little sharp teeth into. This isn't to say that what you're writing isn't solid, there's really nothing technically wrong with it. It just becomes really boring after a while, even despite how short it is, we're looking for something more. You have some qualifying statements which slow this down; "what I mean is" and "not as in" in particular push out at me. Change up your sentence structure a little and throw us some of that meat and this could be a solid bit of flash.

Thank you for posting this though, I do love some philosophy! Hit me up if you have any questions, queries or just want to chat.

~Pen