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E - Everyone

Who am I?

by Chelbig695

The organization of my manners

comes to an end, planners are

the opposite of me.

Things just come and go

without thought, lo and behold

I don't have a feeling of this.

Some people might ask

what are you doing in

your life? In life I

am with the rest of you,

following with the moments.

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Sun Mar 24, 2013 10:24 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Huh. I am the kind of person who has always needed a plan for living, and until recently I've always known what my next step was. Now I'm sitting out here on the end of my plan and it feels very uncomfortable but also open. So this poem is interesting to me in that I'm trying to figure out where you're coming from and how you throw off the plans, the organizations.

I don't like that first line and a half. It doesn't really make sense. Unless it means that you're no longer trying to have manners anymore? That they don't matter to you? In which case it still might need to be rewritten to be clearer.

I would say avoid phrases that are already put together by society like "lo and behold" because they sound fake, cookie-cutter, and have no depth.

What do you not have a feeling of? Also, feeling "of"? A feeling "for" something works better as a phrase; I don't know what you mean to have a feeling OF something. Especially without saying what feeling this person doesn't have, it's confusing and gives the reader nothing to hold on to or think about.

Um, next, if you have reported speech it doesn't follow the same sentence structure as actual speech, so you'd want to say, "Some people might ask/ what you are doing in your life." Otherwise use quotation marks to separate the dialogue.

Lastly, "following" and "with" are two words that don't really go together since follow means to come behind while "with" seems to evoke an equality. This way, I don't know if you're in with the moments or following where they lead you, so I am left confused instead of reveling in a good image or piece of philosophy.

All the poem gone through, I'd like to see more of what it means to you. What happens when you come up against people with plans. What do you think of them? Did you choose to not have plans? Was there a failure of plans that made you choose this path instead? What do you feel when people ask you? Are you really so calm to answer their judgments with, "Just following moments", and to go so far as to say you're "with them" when they are not with you, when they value planning?

PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review, please.
Good luck and keep writing!

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6 Reviews

Points: 490
Reviews: 6

Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:00 am
rheaaaa says...

Well, I Think That Was Pretty Good. I Hate Reading But I really Just Wanted To Read What You Wrote And I'm Glad I Did. Its Different , But In A Weird Way . i Liked it Though. You Proabbly Caught Peoples Eyes With This. Good Job !

Chelbig695 says...

Thank you! I try to bring abstract ideas into my poetry, but I still need to work on describing them. It's like a realistic spiritual poem almost.

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825 Reviews

Points: 28951
Reviews: 825

Wed Mar 06, 2013 7:24 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...

Hi there, Chelbig!

I like this. It's nice. I especially enjoy your sneaky rhymes near the beginning of the poem. Nice one. The end, too, is good. I like the idea that you are what everyone else is. Nice ideas.

That being said, there are a few issues with it.
Some of the lines are a bit confusing, and some of the lines are rather bland. For example, "planners are the opposite of me" is a very bland line. Also, if becomes redundant when paired with the previous lines. You could easily just cut it out, but if you feel like it needs to be there, then spice up the language. Otherwise, it becomes boring and repetitive.

I don't have a feeling of this

I don't really understand why this line is here. What is "this" that you speak of? This line is jarring because I don't understand it at all. Try to clear it up.

In general, you should add some images to support your ideas. Make connections to relevant things and your poem will be made stronger and more interesting to read. Now, your poem is completely devoid of imagery. I'd like to see some so we can get more of a feeling for the tone of the poem.

I can't wait to see this poem when it's more polished. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy writing!

Chelbig695 says...

Thank you I tried to make it like an inspirational spiritual poem and I meant to have breaks in between the stanzas but I got th formatting wrong in the submission. When I had that line I meant to be referencing to what I said right before it "Things just come and go without thought." Like the thoughts don't phase me, but I guess I could word that a little better. I'm not exactly sure on how I can add mor imagery into my poetry it's hard, I have the ability to with longer writing, but I feel like poems don't give me enough space.

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
— Joseph Campbell