Oh my god! I was so impressed by the intensity and genuine-ness of this poem! I was so pleased to have read it. What first really struck me were these lines:
I care
For the way
Your eyes kiss me
At two thirty in the morning
Six thirty at night
Two in the afternoon.
I love this repetition. It is just enough. It is alive. It describes the breadth of this love. The image evokes distance and yet nearness, and it is so poignant and filled with the tension that comes with being apart. In love!
I like nothing in the next two stanzas, though. I think they can be cut. If you disagree, what do you think they bring to the poem?
Next, I love the slow unfolding of the quiet thoughts in the shower. I think the simplicity of it brings out the reality of the wish/situation, and how easily it could happen. The only place it shakes for me is where you say you write "poetry" in the shower. Like, you're writing poetry right now, and maybe that's a facet of the relationship you're writing about, but it's too meta. I'm a poet so I write poetry everywhere because I am so poetic and by association that must make this poem good 'cause I'm really dedicated. I might be overly judging that, but it bothers me in that way, okay? haha.
I love, I love, I love the repetition at the end,
though I would like to know why it ends with "come back". There's no description of the fact that he's gone in the poem, and though if you give him this poem he knows where he is, we as detached readers have no idea. So, can you give us some? So we feel like we almost get the whole story of your missing?
PM me if you have any questions or comments on my review, please.
Good luck and keep writing!
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Reviews: 1334
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