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I'm writing about you again

by GorgeousArizona


I do not care 

For my brothers football team

Or your bands ep

My mothers garden 

Or old boyfriends



 

I care 

For the way 

Your eyes kiss me 

At two thirty in the morning 

Six thirty at night 

Two in the afternoon.




 

your rough edge

my lackluster 

Turn around

Give us this moment

Even they do not want

What awaits



 

I wrote this in the shower 

Wishing you were there 

You could have felt 

water on skin

Skin on skin

 

Laughing as I scribble

Poetry 

Into the 

Fogged window 

Kissing my shoulders

Calling me babygirl 




 

I miss you. 

I miss you. 

I miss you. 

Come back.  


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1313 Reviews


Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

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Sun Mar 24, 2013 9:42 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Oh my god! I was so impressed by the intensity and genuine-ness of this poem! I was so pleased to have read it. What first really struck me were these lines:

I care
For the way
Your eyes kiss me
At two thirty in the morning
Six thirty at night
Two in the afternoon.


I love this repetition. It is just enough. It is alive. It describes the breadth of this love. The image evokes distance and yet nearness, and it is so poignant and filled with the tension that comes with being apart. In love!

I like nothing in the next two stanzas, though. I think they can be cut. If you disagree, what do you think they bring to the poem?

Next, I love the slow unfolding of the quiet thoughts in the shower. I think the simplicity of it brings out the reality of the wish/situation, and how easily it could happen. The only place it shakes for me is where you say you write "poetry" in the shower. Like, you're writing poetry right now, and maybe that's a facet of the relationship you're writing about, but it's too meta. I'm a poet so I write poetry everywhere because I am so poetic and by association that must make this poem good 'cause I'm really dedicated. I might be overly judging that, but it bothers me in that way, okay? haha.

I love, I love, I love the repetition at the end,
though I would like to know why it ends with "come back". There's no description of the fact that he's gone in the poem, and though if you give him this poem he knows where he is, we as detached readers have no idea. So, can you give us some? So we feel like we almost get the whole story of your missing?

PM me if you have any questions or comments on my review, please.

Good luck and keep writing!




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813 Reviews


Points: 28451
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Wed Mar 06, 2013 2:29 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, Arizona, and welcome to YWS. It's nice to have new faces around!

I like the ideas presented in this, and you hint at images that you could do a lot with, but this poem needs a little polishing.

First of all, you need more punctuation. I suggest punctuating it the way you would punctuate it if you were writing prose. In other words, make grammatically correct sentences, put commas where they're needed, and so forth. As it is, it's few big run-ons (except the last stanza) that have not much structure at all.

The first stanza lists several things that have nothing to do with the rest of the poem. The first stanza should set up what the readers should expect in the stanzas to come. I don't think you should start with a list. Instead, take one object that you don't care for but has something to do with the rest of the poem and expand on it. Make sure you're focusing all the time on the purpose of the poem.

Now, the rest of the poem has a lot of hinted-at images that you could expand on or easily make metaphors out of. The most beautiful poetry (in my opinion) is filled with beautiful metaphors and similes. Compare things to other things and make connections that take my breath away. Or even mix up your images a little to show the reader a different way to look at things. For example:

I wrote this in the shower
Wishing you were there
You could have felt
water on skin
Skin on skin

Laughing as I scribble
Poetry
Into the
Fogged window
Kissing my shoulders
Calling me babygirl

Could be turned into something like this:
I scribbled this in the shower,
water pouring down my shoulders
like your kisses,
as I wished for
the foggy way you called me
baby girl

Now, obviously, you have your own style, but do you see how I compared his kisses to the shower on your shoulders? It's an interesting comparison that makes the images more vivid. Just an example, but you see what I mean, right? Try to do this with the whole poem. The less words you use, as well, the bigger the impact. Less is more.

The repetitions of the "I miss you" in the last stanza would work better if you built up to the missing emotion in a more logical way. Hint throughout the poem that he left, or that the narrator left him, or whatever happened. The first hint that we get that he left is in the third to last stanza. You need to introduce that fact earlier in the poem.

I hope that this review was helpful. If you ever need anything, just PM me. Happy writing!





I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, if you do it right today.
— Sheldon S. Maye