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Blink

by Morrigan


Fear the place where angels tread,
don’t close your eyes to say a prayer;
darkness fills the heart with dread.

When angels weep, don’t be misled;
fix your eyes in a constant stare.
Fear the place where angels tread.

When out the light of day had bled
Sparrow searched the rooms with care;
darkness fills the heart with dread.

To the basement Sparrow fled,
she should have checked the stairs;
fear the place where angels tread.

The blue box left, marked her for dead;
gave poor Sparrow quite a scare.
Darkness fills the heart with dread

But Sparrow survived, and home she fled;
angels caught in their own stone stares.
Fear the place where angels tread;
Darkness fills the heart with dread.

A/N: This is a villanelle, a nineteen line poem in which the first and last lines of the first stanza repeat alternatively at the end of each stanza. It's also about Doctor Who, and it's not serious at all.


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Wed Mar 25, 2015 1:39 am
AndrewRayne wrote a review...



Good afternoon Mr. Morrigan. I do think that as a poem that isn't serious at all, especially for a villanelle such as this, you have done exceptionally well. The very fact you have knowledge as to the type of poetry you are writing gives credit where it is rare to be due.

Furthermore let's begin. You say this isn't serious so I will not make a mockery as taking it as such. Rather, I will only truly look towards a couple verses.

Those being the first two, I would like to applaud you on the imagery. Not only that, but of the countenance of the image itself. It gives us almost a paradox between being frightful of the darkness to pray, or facing the fear that can would come if you gazed at that which you would be praying to. Ironic, and I do hope you would rewrite this as a more serious piece so I can analyze it more deeply.

As you say, non serious and I can see how the rest of the story pans out. (I do love this show.) But to give adequate criticism to only two verses out of an entire piece is unkind. And since I do love the story, I will say that you did another excellent job of capturing in only 19 lines what our beloved mystery would need 19 episodes to recreate.

In conclusion, I will hope (rather than pray) to see the first two verses taken into a more serious account. Because contrary to the good justification of this piece, those two verses are on a much grander scale entirely. Well spoken.

Till next time.




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:55 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Oh look what I found! And there you said you didn't like Villanelles ;)

Specifics

1.

fix your eyes in a constant stare.
I'd lose the 'a' in this line to improve your flow.

2.
she should have checked the stairs;
The line feels off here. Don't be afraid to go for a half rhyme - I'd suggest 'she should have checked upon the stair'.

3.
But Sparrow survived, and home she fled;
Survived is throwing your flow off, it's just too many syllables. Maybe lived?

Overall

Fun pieces are fun, yes? To be honest though, this is good even for a serious piece and I wouldn't add many more comments. You could maybe choose your words more wisely, but it works and it's a great read for any Doctor Who fan! I like the references to Sparrow a lot and I think you managed to keep the repeated lines punchy to the end, giving them just enough new meaning that they didn't get old.

I suppose my only other piece of criticism would be that it gets a little too focused on the plot and might be better left more vague or more metaphorical. I like that the fans can follow along and think 'oh yes, I remember that' but at the same time, I felt I'd have liked to see your own spin on it or interpretation. Something not in the series. Or perhaps it needed to be shorter? I don't know - I'm not very familiar with fan fiction!

It's nice to read a light hearted piece though and you've followed the form well.

Just keep writing!

Heather xx




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Sat Jul 13, 2013 4:37 am
Dutiful wrote a review...



Heyyooo!!! :D

Okay, firstly I haven't seen Doctor Who so I have no idea what you're talking about. But I looove to read poems :D And mmay I say, I just love, love, love it!!!!


From the begining to the very end :D

Fear the place where angels tread


My favorite line in the entire poem! :D
I don't have much time. If I had, I would probably end up gushing about this poem :D

So I will take my leave. Pardon this unforgivable behavior of writing a short reveiw :D




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 10:19 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Ahaha, I don't know. I don't watch Doctor Who but I know the angel things are statues and if you don't look at them they come to get you or something? That said, I have no idea who Sparrow is, and nothing you say about her actually gives me any idea of that. It seems like you were more preoccupied with describing the plot line of an episode than delving into the dread of these monsters and the emotion of Sparrow in this situation. I understand it's a cramped form, but I think less time could be spent outlining her escape or whatever that is and more time spent in the moment of this terror, since those are the two lines you repeat: fear and darkness and dread.

I love the impact the first stanza has without thinking of it as fanfiction.
I love that you can't close your eyes to pray because the darkness is where the scary things are, the things you want to avoid, but then how can you pray for safety, but if you don't close your eyes... etc. etc. Do blinks count? If you blink, do they come forward? I wonder what it would be like to actually watch something move forward to you like that. How far can they move in a blink?

So, as a final opinion, I think the first three stanzas are quality and work, but once you start trying to fit all the plot in there, it breaks down and gets very dry. (:

PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, please.
Good luck and keep writing!




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Tue Mar 05, 2013 4:43 am
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Magpie! Tucker here with your review today. Well well! I am really happy to see a much different writing approach from you. Outside of your usual formatting and subject style that is. I was extremely surprised that you decided to take a more repetition approach to this piece. Personally I'm not a fan of it because the reader is expecting what they're going to read before they read it, and it makes the poem a little monotonous. Although, you spice it up a bit by throwing in two alternating repeating lines. Let's dive in now shall we?

The other quick thing that surprised me was the rhyming, the first and third line of each stanza all had the same rhyme. Well 1st 3rd and 4th for the last stanza. I'm still considering if that works or not, I'm not entirely sure. It does give the piece a little Edgar Allan Poe ish feel, which is dark and gloomy by default.

"When out the light of day had bled"

Most the time your rhyming is pretty darn excellent, although here it sounds a little forced. When your rhyming sounds forced it immediatly kills the rhythm you have going. Maybe try saying something like: "When the light of day has bled" or something else along those lines.

Now in the fifth stanza on is where this writing format that you're using really limits your writing ability. It sounds a little choppy because it's never explained why Sparrow is fleeing, why the blue box has any importance, and why that scares her at all. I think this is beautifully written, but the lack of plot line is confusing me as the reader. Unless of course I'm being oblivious and missing something extremely obvious (quite possible).

I really think I'm missing something huge here, either because I'm far to ignorant and oblivious to figure it out, or because the evidence given is a little too obscure. I'm not quite sure I get the purpose of the angels and all. On one last separate grammar point, you say:

"the blue box left, marked her for dead;"

You need to capitalize the "The" in this line. Just because you have a capital on every other line so just keep consistent with that. Probably a minor typo error, no worries. All and all an interesting piece but I think your evidence was too obscure and your plot line too thin. Try to broaden it out, play with this topic though. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032





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