z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The clipboard :a ticktet to heaven

by Dumptykey


âBeep, beep.â The sound of the monitor snapped me out of my thoughts. Iâm used to the sound of the monitor, how could I not be? Iâve been here in this hospital for 11 years! But today, right now the sound of the monitor sounds different. My brown eyes shifted away from the windows to the table where the monitor sat on.. It beeped over and over as if saying : âLook here.â But my eyes didnât meet the monitor instead it sat on a clipboard that a careless nurse left here this morning. On the front thereâs a graph with my name on it. âTilibra, Alice,â it had said, âAge:11 Sickness: uncertain.â The news of my sickness not being recognized isnât much of a surprise to me, I kept on reading, âEstimated death date: February, 3rd,2013.â Todayâs date, I stopped reading. Most people would have panicked, cried, and even freaked out. But to me, itâs nothing. For a second or two, I heard total silence. Then the beeping came back, this time it didnât sound like âLook here.â Instead it sounds like âItâs your end in this world.â I laid still in my bed, I feel nothing. Itâs not really that much of a surprise, everyday I thought about death, about how someday any time now I would be dead. And itâs real now. I know that I will die sooner or later someday , not that anyone has told me , I just know. Suddenly I felt pain. I went dizzy. Itâs time, I thought to my self, time for me to pass on. I put my hands over my necklace, the one that I have ever since birth, the one that I will never take off, the only thing that my mother left me. I refuse to close my eyes, Iâve never been to any places in the world besides this room. I use to dream about traveling all over the world. But now that will never happen. And Iâve never had friends, or someone who loves me, who loves me like a mother. Thatâs right, I felt pity, pity, PITY! I felt pity for me! Itâs not fair for me to die yet! I have some thing that I want to accomplish even though I might never achieve it. I thought I saw a shadow at the door way and smelled a faint vanilla scent but before I could see who it is, everything went dark.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
378 Reviews

Points: 3775
Reviews: 378

Donate
Sun Mar 31, 2013 1:35 pm
Omni wrote a review...



Heyoo, here to review!

My name is Quest, and I will be reviewing this fine piece for you today. Welcome to YWS, first off. I hope your days here are numerous! So let's start this review off, why don't we?

First of all, no doubt that you already know this is just one big ol' paragraph. It's fine, but it dissuades most from reading it, no matter how big or small it is. If you are using IE, I recommend switching to Google Chrome. So, now onto the rest of the review.

“Beep, beep.”


So, there really is no good to do what you are trying to do. Whether it be by quotations or italics, they both are right. However, I recommend italics, because it makes it a little smoother.

I thought I saw a shadow at the door way and smelled a faint vanilla scent


Hmm, this small story took a dramatic turn. You introduced something completely unecpected, and, before we could begin to understand what it was, you ended it.

I don't mind that kind of stuff, but it gets confusing, and at that part, it really had nothing to give to the plot line except questions, which is never a good thing.

This is nice! I hope you post more. You kind of left us hanging at the end, so write more. This is a short piece, introducing a lot, so it is paramount that you make more.

So, take everything that I say with a grain of salt, for this is not my work, nor anyone else's. It's guess who, yours! So keep it yours! If you don't like what someone says if they review, then don't use it! It is your story first and foremost, no one else's!

Hope this helped,
Quest




User avatar
662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Donate
Mon Mar 04, 2013 12:58 am
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Key! Dogs here with your review today. If I may start with: WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you enjoy your stay here. I'm Tucker, and if you need anything, a review, some advice, some help, anything! I'd be happy to help you out :). Now lets get back to the review. To start things off this is a great start for a book, although, I think that maybe you should draw out the death a little more. Create some more suspense in the reader while the read that bit. There are a few issues I had with the grammar but we'll get there, let's dive in now shall we?

Ok, to star things off this piece is just one giant ol' block of text with no paragraphs, which makes it a little difficult to read through. So try to find places to put in new paragraphs to help the fluency of your piece, I understand that YWS sometimes messes with the spacing of your piece when you post it, so just be sure to review over it before you submit.

Also, you had a few issues with the grammar, especially with the commas. I don't think you meant to but often times you said: "die sooner or later someday , not." Of course, what it should look like is: "die sooner or later someday, not..." so minor details. Also, you have a lot of fragment or really short sentences like: "Suddenly I felt pain. I went dizzy." The short sentences next to each other make the piece come off as a little choppy. So maybe try something like: "I suddenly felt pain as the room danced around my dizzy head." Or something along those lines. whatever works.

All an all a good piece, just a few notes need here and there. As a final one, try to flesh it out more. Add in more plot line about the anticipation of a scheduled death and how terrifying that is. Don't kill her off yet because than you would have no where to go in the book. Minor things, I hope my comments were helpful! Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032



Random avatar
Dumptykey says...


Yeah I'm going to work on that also there's a twist so I kinda have to kill her off


Random avatar
Dumptykey says...


Also I had paragraphs by then when I paste it it was gone and I didn't check for it:(




That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.
— Rick Riordan, The Ship of the Dead