Young Writers Society

Hello, DarkPandemonium,
So I must say I really enjoyed this song because I've thought these thoughts so much but never really knew how to word them. I think that it's really relatable because its really true the ideas you put across in these lyrics. I really like some individual- well done!

Now onto critiques, I think that your wording is a bit boring and obvious and it just doesn't seem that interesting or different. To do this I think you could add some different metaphors to put your ideas across without blaintently saying it.
Also I didn't particularly like the structure as I think it needed some mixing up so it would be a bit different, considering your wording is kind of obvious. I can imagine this being played with music though and other lyrics won't seem as obvious but still, I think when talking about such a well known topic you could change it up a bit.

you say you're 'indie' when you're just the same

I always say this! 'Indie' people think they're different because they're not following the crowd but in fact they are just following another one!

Anyways I hope this review helped. PM me with any questions or if you want anything else reviewed.

Keep writing!
-Arc

Okay! First, I will very quickly give my over all perception of this song. I feel like a sentiment on this topic is better delivered with an "us" in mind rather than an attacking, putting-down sort of view, 'cause if it's done as it's written, it feels like the speaker is just saying, "I am so much better than you, poser~" and doesn't exactly incite feeling in us unless we're specifically tired of people at that moment. It speaks to a deeper sentiment, that of the person under the layers of influence and acting, but the offensive tone doesn't really do it justice.

Anyway, besides that, there are some sentences that aren't quite smooth yet.

1.

Yet all that defines us is all that you don't know.

This is a hard sentence to use, I think. It was confusing over the first couple of reads. My thought pattern went like this:
"I feel like the correct sentence would be "all that defines to us". You can have a word defined to you. You can define yourself. You can define the word." Eventually I understood the actual structure you were going for, but not right away. You might consider using something clearer?

2.

You say you're 'indie' when you're just the same.

I don't think that independent is a synonym of different, and thus I don't think this sentence makes sense except for coming from the background of a speaker who thinks these labels define someone as shallow and conforming, when each element of this song actually has a different flavor that's not quite exploited/explored.


3.

Remove that crowd and speak aloud,

I don't understand what this is supposed to mean? Is it about a listening crowd of the public or are you referring to the crowd of other conforming people that supposedly supports the poser? Might work better if you said "your crowd" if you're going for the latter.

Also, I'm sure that the music and stuff could take away any concerns on this, but check your meter, especially stressed syllables. For example, maybe I'm wrong, but I stress YOLO on the first syllable, and to rhyme it with "don't know", you'd have to stress the "don't", where the phrase is normally stressed "don't KNOW", so it throws off that meter.

Okay! Hope this was helpful. Lemme know through PM if you have any comments or questions.

Good luck and keep writing!