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The Adventures of Maynard Ray

by abelgaiya

A crude excerpt from the novel I'm writing


"That is impossible"

"Dear boy, from what this world has revealed to me I no more think of the possibility of impossibility existing"

"Surely you do not affirm that folklore and fairytales have elements of truth in them?"

"Most are true"

"By jove you're mad!"

"If knowledge is madness then I refuse therapy"

"Professor Maynard I implore you to reconsider your statement"

"Why reconsider something rigid?"

"Perhaps you could make it more plausible"

"Plausibility is a subject which contexts itself in mere fabrications; my statement is no fabrication"

"You do realize that you would definitely face the gallows if this paper containing your statement is given to the court"

"I would rather die than live on a testimony without veracity"

"Professor Maynard please consider your reputaion in the scientific academia, consider the indelible dent which your name will suffer for many years"

"What is social reputaion compared to my vast knowledge of the unknown?"

"Consider your family"

"They can travel out of the country"

"Consider your professional achievements"

"They are but dust compared to my achievements in the realm of the supernatural"

"Very well Mr Maynard, you have obstinately made your decision, yet I will do well to intercede for you as best as I can"

"Boy, do what you may but I know that my death awaits me"

Inspector Charles took one last gaze at the old man. He never imagined that Professor Maynard Ray - a man who broke grounds in the scientific world, the owner of hundreds of patents - would be in this state.

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89 Reviews

Points: 625
Reviews: 89

Fri Mar 01, 2013 12:29 pm
abelgaiya says...

Thanks for the review guys. For you all who think the vocabulary is too wide, it's because most of the characters are supposed to be elite. Besides, all the words were of my own vocabulary, so it still doesn't sound too verbose to me.

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Fri Mar 01, 2013 10:51 am
Hannah wrote a review...

You do have this going for you: you have me interested about what exactly this professor has discovered and what practical uses it has, if he'll indeed get out of the situation without being too harmed and if his family will be safe. BUT! This interest was built in just a couple of lines and you have a lot left to work on.

For starters, you are going to need to know and use dialogue punctuation as that's what most of this excerpt is.

Second, you'll need to realize that this section cannot be made of completely dialogue. If you are this into dialogue, you might consider writing a screen play instead of a novel! Otherwise, what you've given the reader is two floating voices. They're not even two floating heads because we know nothing about what these two characters look like, so they have no physical manifestation for us. You have two floating voices, no characters, no setting, no texture, no image to ground the reader at all. We need those images. We get bored with so much dialogue in a row when we're reading, because you need to refresh us on the whole world as we go. We need that nice delicate balance between dialogue and description.

So, where are they? Where's this important discussion taking place? When? What time of day? What's the atmosphere? A cold or warm day? What are they wearing? Is there a difference in what they're wearing that sets them immediately apart? Are they old or young? Are there any props that have a bearing on the emotion of the scene? All of these need answers.

And lastly, oh no, you need to work hard on your dialogue. It's very stilted. I understand you're trying to portray these individuals as intelligent, but the fact that it's clear in your writing that that's what you're trying to do is its very downfall. We need the feeling that these guys are smart without realizing you're consciously trying to get that information across to us. Which means, yes their vocabulary is vast and they can use specific and appropriate vocabulary when necessary, but doesn't mean they sprinkle in as much as they can to sound smart. It kind of makes them sound like frauds that way.

Anywhoo~ Hope there'll be more posted of this than just a teaser. PM me if you have any questions about my review or if you'd like me to look at another part.

Keep writing, and good luck!

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Fri Mar 01, 2013 5:57 am
dogs wrote a review...

"from what this world has revealed to me I no more think of"

Howdy, Dogs here with your review. Minor note here, but you need a comma after "me" to help keep the flow smooth. Also, to help with the flow of this line try saying: "I no longer thing of..." it just reads off better.

"By jove you're mad!"

Jove is a god and his name should be capitalized. Also you need a comma after "jove" here. I like the over the top melodramatic humor you put in here.

"Plausibility is a subject which contexts itself in mere fabrications; my statement is no fabrication"

Nice, great line. Professor Maynard is a quality character and I'm really liking his philosophical statements. Keep it up.

Ok, this is a good start for a piece and I'm eager to see more of this chapter. Although, biggest issues is 1: You need punctuation after each quote. Either a period or a comma. So for example you say: "for you as best as I can" but you need to say: "you as best as I can." Minor detail but it's important. 2: Furthermore you need to say who is saying what, your dialogue gets far too confusing with the usual "said the professor as he puffed out a white cloud of smoke." Or something else along those lines.

Those are the two biggest things I needed to add in, all and all it's looking up to be good and I want to chapters! Let me know when you put up your novel please. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

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69 Reviews

Points: 3549
Reviews: 69

Fri Mar 01, 2013 2:54 am
Butterfly18 says...

I think the language is too, smart. Like it sounds robotic at times.

I did like the ending of this snippet though. Very intriguing. :)

Time is not your best friend - unless you use it wisely.
— Marco Pierre White