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by Incandenza

Deleted for plagirism. Original.

This work has been locked


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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Fri Mar 01, 2013 12:40 pm
Hannah wrote a review...

I think the first thing your writing could benefit from is you going through with the strictest of eyes to see which words are unnecessary in the meaning that you are trying to approach. Because I want to say I love the personable-ness and the simplicity of the opening list:

I missed the woman I was waiting for. I lost a button on my jacket. I met somebody on the train that I didn’t want to meet.I felt the first twinge of a toothache. And now it’s raining and I’m trapped in a cab, stuck in traffic because of an accident. If anybody says these are just general things then I’ll going to belt him. Don’t you agree?

I hate the ending. I hate being directly addressed out of nowhere when the pov is obviously first person. I would suggest scrapping that. I get that you want to bring out a conversational tone, but in writing that doesn't necessarily mean you need a conversation partner, okay? Besides that, all these lovely points of terribleness are real, pedestrian, common, and add up to a very accessible emotion of "Oh ENOUGH already". The real problem for me is that it can't be the opener, it needs an introduction, but the introduction that exists is clunky and sloppy.

Sometimes bad things and bad luck pile up. But that is just a generalization. However, if bad things keep happening to the same person, if they keep piling up, then that isn’t a generalization anymore.It has become personal. In that case thinking in terms of a generalization doesn’t help because one wants sympathy.

It sounds like the opening of a high school English essay where you don't want to put too much style in it, you just want to hit all the boxes on the requirements and get it over with. Especially using "one" instead of "you" ('cept I don't want that, so we'd say "we", maybe?). That's way, "Make your writing professional, not personal." No thank you. Cut it down. Take out wishy-washy words and present your case:

Bad things and bad luck pile up. Of course, saying that now it's just a generalization. But when those bad things pile up on one person, it gets personal. We no longer want to think "bad things and bad luck pile up". We just want sympathy.

Does this work better? I think so. It's stronger, more confident in what it's saying. By using "we", you're not doing the awkward direct address, but instead placing the character in a community with other people, which helps build his reality. Take out extra words! Streamline! That means especially cut out entire paragraphs that end with "maybe it doesn't matter anyway", because that's clearly rambling that leads us nowhere. Keep the action going!

Moving on~

Eep. Okay, well I just read through to the end without stopping and it seems like there's not really anywhere to go. I feel like this is a seed of an idea. I like the fact that there's some vampire cabbie out there, just trying to be normal and live a relatively normal life, but come on! Why would he just be like, "Hey yo, I'm a vampire" to some random passenger, and why would the passenger just as easily be like, "Oh cool, so what's that like?"

I don't even get a real good sense of who this speaker is. Is the story really about this speaker so much that you need to get in their head? Nothing changes for the speaker. They get in a cab and they get out. In a story, we need movement. We need to feel a change or realize something, and that doesn't happen for the reader, the cabbie, or the main character as far as I can tell.

What did you want readers to feel after they read this?

Hmm. Again, I like the idea, but I think maybe you're attacking it from the wrong end. What would happen if you wrote in the cabbie's voice?

PM me if you have any questions about my review, please.

Good luck and keep writing!

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129 Reviews

Points: 914
Reviews: 129

Fri Mar 01, 2013 8:40 am
WaitingForLife wrote a review...

Heya, good to see newer members with such solid form in their writing. ^^

Your confidence as a writer shines through your sentence structure and choice of words. The rather simplistic style suited the atmosphere perfectly, methinks, and I assume that this was intentional. What really caught my eye was how believable all of the dialogue was, which is to say it didn't seem merely plastered on and was engaging at all times. Big ups for that.

As for the story, I don't really know what to make of it. It has this vibe of nonchalance, almost indifference, about the happenings themselves, allowing for a very intriguing atmosphere. I get the feeling you're trying to get some message across, but I can't figure out the specifics. Probably just my inability to function on such a deep level due to a significant amount of consumed sleep loss, but you never know. Back to the point of indifference, have you ever read Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle? I get the same vibes from this as I got from it - which is quite the high praise as I adored the shizz out of that novel. Something rather big and out of this world is going on, namely a vampire cabby, but the MC just shrugs it off and asks for a lighter instead. If that isn't indifference, I don't know what is.

There were a lot of lovely ideas in this and seemed very contemplative. Even if I'm not entirely sure what I was contemplating, I felt a sense of fulfillment as I reached the end. Bugger me colorless, but I have no clue why. I really liked this piece. Nice job.

Your's truly,

pst.scrpt. Oh, and would you mind enlightening me on what you were seeking to achieve with this, cause it's bugging me that I can't just grasp it. :D

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69 Reviews

Points: 3549
Reviews: 69

Fri Mar 01, 2013 2:43 am
Butterfly18 says...

I think the writing of this isn't that bad, I'm just sort of over vampires after all that Twilight. I never liked twilight and it sort of put me off vampires. So sorry I couldn't really get into this piece. It's not your fault, it's just the topic. Maybe if you did it with a twist or something. Maybe if the main character was a vampire or something for me to immediately latch onto then perhaps I'd relate.

Right now, I think vampires are so mainstream, having a story about someone who's undecided and, do they exist, don't they, should I be scared, shouldn't I, just seems re-filtered. It's been done so many times before.

Hope this helps. :)

How can I be king of the world? Because I am king of rubbish. And rubbish is what the world is made of.
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane