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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The road not taken

by mrsdamonsalvatore


The blackness had engulfed me some time ago when I had first stepped onto the road not taken. I had always been told, even as a young child, that as soon I crossed the line between our world and the black dimension that I would be surrounded by nothing but darkness, but this was not what I had been expecting. I had thought I would at least be able to see my feet, but no, all I could see was a faint red glow in the distance and the blackness around me. I hadn't wanted to come here but I had been left with no other alternative. Because my life and everyone else's depended on me finding one person, Stephen Drazmir, he's the only one that can save our world but I'm the only one that can find him.

Our world had once been beautiful and full of life, but now it's just part of an undead world, where the only hint of humanity is below ground, because that's the only place we're safe. Creatures of the night rule the surface and it's all your worst nightmare, vampire's, werewolves, kitsune and other creatures prowl around looking for food or amusement. That's the reason we need Stephen, he's the only person we know who can fight vampires and werewolves, and therefore our only hope.

By now I had been walking for hours, hoping I was getting closer to the red light and not just imagining it being there. Because that red light meant that I was getting closer to Stephen, yet I wasn't so sure I was getting closer. In fact it seemed father away, but that was impossible because the light meant a village, and a village couldn't just move. I decided I must just be going mad, and carried on moving towards the light.

Suddenly I could feel air being blown on the back of my neck, like someone was breathing on it. I spun around, kicking out with my foot hoping to catch whatever it was by surprise. But it didn't work, something grabbed my foot sending me of balance and I fell to the ground banging my head on something as I fell.

This was it, I knew it. This was the reason why it was called the road not taken because anyone who was even stupid enough to take it didn't come back, and I knew I wouldn't either. I closed my eye's not wanting to see whatever it was that would kill me, I didn't want my last thoughts to be of how scary this creature of the night was.

I readied myself for the pain hoping it would be a quick death, but death never came. Instead I only saw a bright light through my closed eye's, so I quickly opened them to reveal who or what was stood in front of me.

What I was not expecting was Stephen Drazmir, I had been expecting a vampire or werewolf or something along those lines, but the only thing stood in front of me was Stephen.

H....Hi..” I said trying to steady my breathing, and look like I hadn't just been scared out my mind.

Sorry about the kick I wasn't expecting to find you till I got to the village.”

Well-” He said moving the light so that it shined off to the side of me, and was no longer blinding me.“I didn't expect to see you at all. What are you doing here?”

I'm here to find you. You need to come back with me, because we're all in danger and your the only one that can help us.”

I was about to carry on speaking but he wasn't paying attention. His eye's seemed to be locked on something behind me and as I moved to see what it was Stephen grabbed my arm and stopped me from moving. But I didn't need to see what it was because I heard it growl, it was a werewolf.

Don't move.” He said, his voice calm and controlled as he reached into his inside pocket of his leather jacket and pulled out a silver stake.

The next few minutes passed so quickly I hardly realised what was happening, Stephen pushed me towards the ground and into a corner handing me the flash light and telling me to stay down. He jumped to meet the attack of the wolf and they grappled for a minute before Stephen finally got the silver stake into his heart.

I breathed a sigh of relief as he rejoined me, batted and bruised, yes, but alive. Pulling him with me we started to head in the direction I had come from, hoping we would at some point find our way back to our world and that we wouldn't get killed in the process.


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Sat Mar 02, 2013 6:01 am
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Damon! Dogs here with your review today. First, If I may say WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here, and if you need anything: A review, some help, anything! Let me know and I'd be more than happy to comply. Anywho, it looks like Auxiira got most of the grammar stuff, so I'll be diving in more content wise. Let's get to it now shall we?

"because the red light meant I was getting closer to Stephan"

You have a good lead up to this point, although I'm a little confused here because you never explain how the red light means your getting closer to Stephan. As my mom would put it.. it's like one of those bad parenting moments where "it's right just because I said so." So this is true just because the narrator said so. It can work in some cases, but it leaves a few too many questions for the reader in this instance.

"and carried on moving towards the light"

The only issue with this line is that you've used "light" so many times in your descriptors. Shake it up a little bit and give us a different word other than "light." Try looking it up in a thesaurus, it'll help a lot.

Well you say that his eyes were fixed on something behind him... but as you've already described, they are in pitch black darkness. So seeing something behind them seems improbable. Also you have a small transition gap about how he got onto the road untraveled. I love the title that you use for that, the "road untraveled." Lovely touch there, although you need to describe what's so scary/ special about it and how your characters got there.

Interesting start for a piece, lots of potential in this short story. I feel like it's almost the beginning of a chapter and I'm eager to read more of the story. All and all excellent writing with a few minor errors. With some touch ups this could be a superb piece, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Thu Feb 28, 2013 5:32 pm
Auxiira wrote a review...



The blackness had engulfed me some time ago when I had first stepped onto the road not taken.
Blackness is a word, but here it doesn't read smoothly. Try darkness, maybe. Also you need a comma after "ago".

that as soon I crossed the line between our world and the black dimension that I would be surrounded by nothing but darkness


I had thought I would at least be able to see my feet, but no, all I could
Here you need to put "that" after "thought".
You don't need to put "no," It's like hitting the reader with a metaphorical hammer.

to come here but I had
You need a comma after "here".

Because My life and everyone else's depended on me finding one person, Stephen Drazmir, he's the only one that can save our worldbut. I'm the only one that can find him.
This is a bit more dramatic, which is what you're aiming for, I think.

Creatures of the night rule the surface and it's all your worst nightmare, vampire's, werewolves, kitsune
You can compact this to: "Creatures of the night from your worst nighmares rule the surface: vampires, werewolves, kitsune..." It reads a bit better.

I spun around, kicking out with my foot hoping to catch whatever it was by surprise. But it didn't work, something grabbed my foot sending me of balance and I fell to the ground banging my head on something as I fell.

Try: "I spun around, kicking out, hoping to catch whatever it was by surprise, but it didn't work. Something grabbed my foot, sending me off balance and I fell to the ground, banging my head on something as I fell."
You can only kick with your foot, so you don't need to say so, unless you want to say "lashed out with my foot"

was called the road not taken because
Since it's the name of the road you need to capitalise the words, and you can lose the because and put a colon (:) there.

I closed my eye's
No need for the apostrophe.

I readied myself for the pain hoping it would be a quick death
You need a comma after "pain".

Sorry about the kick I wasn't expecting to find you till I got to the village.
You need a comma after "kick" and maybe make it clear that it's the narrator that's speaking. I didn't realise that it was her because you went to the line.

“Well-” He said moving
lower case letter on He.

His eye's seemed
No apostrophe needed.

what was happening, Stephen pushed me towards the ground and into a corner handing me the flash light and telling me to stay down.
Full-stop needed instead of the comma, comma needed after "corner".

silver stake into his heart.
I'm not going to say that any reader would be weird enought to assume this but just to clear up any misconceptions, say "into the werewolve's heart" or "into the creature's heart".

rejoined me, batted and bruised
I think that you mean battered and bruised, no?

hoping we would at some point find our way back to our world and that we wouldn't get killed in the process.

"hoping that at some point we would find the way back to our world and not get killed in the process" flows a bit better.

I really like this. It seems like the prologue of a novel. Are you going to continue it? I hope you do...

Hope I helped and keep writing!
Auxiira^^




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Thu Feb 28, 2013 4:35 am
birk wrote a review...



Hey Mrs. Damon!

You got an interesting story going here. I love stories like these, where darkness is everywhere and there is only one hope. You portray the common traits of such a story very well.

One thing I would do is lengthen this first part by extending the search for Stephen, as you could tell us alot more about what is happing in the darkness. That would, for me at least, give it some reminisens of a Stephen King story, adding alot of mood.

You should also explain alot more about this black dimension, as we have no idea what exactly it is.

Now this Stephen Drazmir sounds like an awesome character, if not solely on his name. I'm wondering though, why is he the only one who can fight the monsters?

You paint a nice world here, with very interesting storytelling. I'd like to hear more from it.

Lastly, I'll throw out some grammar pointers.

Something I have trouble with myself while writing is commas. But while reading other works, they do stand out. But they get battered in with time.

In fact it seemed father away

I'm sure you mean further away.

I decided I must just be going mad,

No need for padding here, I'd go with "I decided I must be going mad,".

I closed my eye's

eyes, not eye's

His eye's seemed to be locked on something

Eyes ;)

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. Hope to see this continue.

PS: While TVP is okay, I loved Ian Sommerhalder in Lost! I approve your name.

Cheers
Birkhoff





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