z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

FrostBite chapter 1

by karinawhitney


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

PREFACE

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We are a part of a hunted breed, envied by those who live around us.We are hiding and struggling to survive, constantly battling and being brought to death by frost giants. We super Jötens are being hunted by frost giants in order to survive me and my distant friend Aidan crossed through the threshold of the great portal and found refuge in midgard (earth). There are many of us scattered through out the nine realms, but very few have survived the mass Holocaust that the frost giants have bestowed upon us. Aidan and I (Arabella) have embarked on a journey among the nine realms in order to find others like us; other super Jötens of Jötenheim.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHAPTER ONE

JÖKUL

I heard an unusually loud banging in the early morning. I woke up Aidan as quickly as possible "Aidan...Aidan wake up!". "WHAT? What do you want its freaking 3 am oh my god , Arabella". "I heard something" " Oh my god are you a 3 year old or what... freaking get up and check it out!" he rolled his eyes in evident annoyance, " someone's a grouchy camper" I thought to myself. I looked over at him with big puppy dog eyes, because quite frankly I was too scared to get up. Another loud banging sound echoed in the apartment again, we both looked at each other a little panicked and Aidan's jaw tensed. He popped out of bed faster than a bolt of lightning. He scurried across the room; careful to keep quiet and stay low he positioned himself directly behind the door. Grabbed a dull lack luster knife out of his plaid boxers and braced himself for whatever was instore for him behind the wooden door. He looked up at me with blazing indigo eyes and threw out a couple hand signs telling me to stay quiet and hide. I just sat on the edge of the bed and nodded and then he whipped open the door in one smooth movement nearly ripping it off its hinges.

He ran down stairs and I heard a symphony of loud crashed, grunts, screams and the clanging of our new stainless steel bowls hitting the floor. "AAAAAGGHHH" oh god Aidan. I bit my lip to keep myself from screaming out for him and I began to taste blood. Thump thump thump thump thump, Aidan ran into the room like a crazed bull ; his face was pale ,terribly pale and his lips were blue he had a truely terrified look on his face as he kept chanting " Oh god Oh god Oh god". I looked down at his blood covered side. I lifted up his shirt hesitantly exposing the deep 6 inch gash that spread from his belly button all the way down his right hip. "Oh God Aidan" I felt tears well up in the corner of my eyes " Aidan what was down there!?" I asked "Aidan" his eyes were starting to roll back in his head and blood was beginning to pour down his chin and pool around his legs, he was dying. " Aidan stay with me what was down there?" "F F fffffforst GGgiants" He was shivering like hell and he was losing too much blood he wasn't going to make it. " How many", "4 or 5" "how did this happen" "I..I don't know I don't remember" I slapped him twice " Stay with me...dammit" he kept bleeding. I ripped off my shirt and held it on the cut as he continued to cough blood spatters onto my shoulder. I could hear the frost giants coming and the fog was beginning to spread down the hall way making its way to the bedroom. "Aidan we need to get out of here, can you walk?" he got up slowly and fell a couple times in the process. Swesssshhhh the fog was moving in closer "Shit, we don't have time Aidan" I picked him up over my shoulder and ran towards the fire escape window, I hastely grabbed a back pack and shoved in a hand gun, a couple of knives, 500 dollars cash, some fake ID's ,the stitches kit and a change of clothes for the both of us ( if both of us made it). I felt the temperature drop ; the frost giants were closing in on us. I slung the backpack over my shoulder and made a break for the window.

I squeezed through the window and stepped out onto the fire escape and then pulled an unconscious Aidan out behind me. I stood and looked at the window for a few seconds and went through the plan we made 6 months ago if they found us "get money get weapons get medicine get your identity hide the evidence escape... oh crap destroy the evidence!" I ran my hands across my pockets in a hurry hoping to find a box of matches. " come on come on" my hand suddenly found the box of matches I set Aidan down and lit one and tossed it in the window. I grabbed Aidan and in a blur a knife sized ice chunk flew out the window and pierced my side "Ah damn" I looked down and I could tell I was going to need a little more than stitches but right now Aidan was in worse condition and we needed to get out of here. I hobbled down the steps and ran down the alleyway, I wasn't sure where to go now if I went back toward the apartment we were as good as dead and if I ran out on the streets people would call the cops not to mention I had an ice sickle in my side in the middle of July.

This was usually the part where Aidan would take my hand and teleport me to an old abandoned warehouse or something but right now Aidan was dying and I needed to make a choice soon so I could help him. "come on Arabella think of something come on". For the first time I felt completely useless I had nothing that I could channel myself into, in order to channel myself into something I had to have a living creature who's soul I could possess I mean it isn't impossible to channel without a living creature but I had just learned about the power and I didn't have a mentor to teach me how to channel. I've had to learn by myself with a little help from the few books I managed to nab from Jötenheim. The fog was starting lap at my ankles , I must have been standing here longer than I had anticipated the frost giants were gaining on us and I had nowhere to go and I couldn't endanger the humans by exposing the existence of Jotuns. I hoisted Aidan higher in my arms to make sure he didn't touch the fog. At this point I had no choice I was going to have to try and channel myself into the ground, ok ya I had never done it before but I was going to have to now. I mean Aidan always said adrenaline makes you do crazy things so I slapped my palms onto the ground while carefully balancing Aidan on my lap. "Come on Come on" it wasn't working I was just sitting there on my ass with my palms on the pavement, I could feel the temperature dropping and the cold fog had finally touched my skin , I looked down at Aidan his hair was covered in a coat of ice and his body had nearly frozen over. I felt white hot tears begin to well up in the corners of my eyes and I began counting, 10 seconds until I'm frozen. I slammed my hands down again onto the pavement hoping I might channel through it, no luck. 8 seconds you've got 8 seconds Bella, 6 seconds , 4 seconds. I could feel myself shivering uncontrollably and my hands started freezing over, I couldn't even cry anymore my tears were frozen I looked over at Aidan with guilt and despair knowing he could have had a chance to live but my weakness was going to kill him. "I'm sorry Aidan, I'm so so sorry that I couldn't save us " 1 more second and you lose Bella. I could see the dark figure of the frost giants looming over me as my hands froze to the ground and just as quickly as I saw them they disappeared....


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13 Reviews


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Reviews: 13

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Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:11 pm
AliceWonderland wrote a review...



1. "Aidan…Aiden wake up!". That period at the end isn't necessary. Like in other places. You have unnecessary periods after the quotes

2. You can change another quote slightly by changing it to, "What? What do you want? It's freaking 3 AM. Oh my god, Arabella!" Also, periods, are put inside the quote in such cases as "I heard something."

3. Change grammar to "Oh my god, are you a three-year-old or what? Freaking get up and check it out!" He rolled his eyes with evident annoyance. In other words, you are missing some cases in which it would be clearer to use comas and also put in capitalization.

4. Also be careful in cases in which to use semi-colons or comas. He scurried across the room, careful to keep quiet and stay low as he positioned himself directly behind the door.

5. There are also times when you need to change the sentence structure. Such in a case as, He grabbed a dull lack luster knife out of his plaid boxers and braced himself for whatever was in store for him behind the wooden door. Another thing about this sentence, some people, like me, might not know what a lack luster knife is, if I caught that right and it's the name of a knife. If it isn't you can change it to, 'He grabbed a dull, lusterless knife' instead.

This just a few things to begin with in your first paragraph. I hope I didn't pass on too harsh. You have an interesting idea and I love the use of Norse mythology. Keep going!




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351 Reviews


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Mon Jun 30, 2014 5:43 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.

Okay, this story is off to a good start. I like it because it introduces a new species that no one has ever heard of before.

Nitpicks:
- Okay, when you do dialogue, you have to make sure everything is capitalized and punctuated correctly. For example,
"I need another bowl of frosted flakes, mom." The little girl proclaimed.
- Also, when you do POVs, and the dialogue is just thoughts, there's no need for quotation marks. So it's basically like this:
Geez... I need a life. I thought silently.
- So this sentence is a real easy fix.

" Oh my god are you a 3 year old or what... freaking get up and check it out!" he rolled his eyes in evident annoyance."
Someone's a grouchy camper. I thought to myself


- I believe when you are doing dialogue, it should be at least a new line. Like this:
"Hi."

"How are you?"

"Okay.."
and so on..
You can do it on those that are just dialogue.

- Also, I suggest spacing out your story. It seems cluttered, especially the last paragraph. It helps the reader read better, and it's easier for them to read.

All in all, this is an interesting story, and I can't wait to read more. Keep up the great work.
I can't wait for the next chapter update c:

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Thu Jun 19, 2014 9:54 pm
Unique wrote a review...



Unique for a review!

I like this a lot! Before I get going on all the stuff I like, I am going to get into the easy problems to fix.

When you said, "We; super jotens..." I think that it probably should have been, and this makes a slight bit more sense, "We super jotens..." or "We, super jotens..." I don't think the semicolan was exactly necessary.

Also when you said, "We; super jötens are being hunted by frost giants in order to survive me and my distant friend..." I would of said instead, "We super jotens are being hunted by the aforementioned frost giants, and in order to survive, me and my distant friend..." You see, it was sort of repetitive if you look at the sentence before the one quoted. So I would go somewhat along the lines of what I said, and the sentences will flow smoother together...

"They're are many of us scattered through out the many 9 realms, but very few have survived the mass holocost that the frost giants have bestowed upon us.", this sentence is a little awkward and choppy. Try something like this, "There are many of us scattered among the nine realms." Many is used twice, which didn't help, and the nine should be spelled out. Plus "they're" is the wrong version of the homophones for it would mean "they are".

Also remember to spell check because holocaust was spelled holocost.

Would jotens or joteheim be capitalized? I am not sure...

"I heard and unusually loud banging...", I believe you mean to say, "I hear an unusually loud banging..."

"I woke up Aidan as quick as possible..." It should be quickly.

Remember to spell out all numbers.

"Oh my good" or "Oh my god"?

"I was too scared to get up and check that what he was for." Sorry, but this sentence was a little confusing...

"Another loud banging sound echoed in the apartment again, we both looked at each other a little panicked and Aidans jaw tensed, he popped out of bed faster than a bolt of lightning." I think this is a run on sentence, and put an apostrophe in between the n and the s in Aidan's name.

"He looked up at me with blazing indigo eyes and threw out a couple hand signs telling me to stay quiet and hide, I just sat on the edge of the bed and nodded and then he whipped open the door in one smooth movement nearly ripping it off its hinges." Another run on sentence, easy to fix.

By the way, you use really good description and imagery. Your use of adjectives is beautiful!

I am going to leave you to close reading your work and picking out and fixing the grammatical errors.

I think that it has a VERY interesting plot line! I can't wait to hear more, it is getting extremely exciting! The characters are very interesting also, they have their own sort of sass and humor! I have a hunch that they might like each other... :D

Please do more, and send me a notice when you do!

~Uni






Thank you so much I'll be sure to go back and fix those before I even start a new chapter!




Maybe I should say something quote-worthy, like, I dunno... "You can only be happy if you decide to be happy?"
— Necromancer14