z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Awe Chapter One; The Wormhole

by Kelpies


A/N. If you have any critique about paragraph spacing, please show it in your review, I need it.

Sorting through the attic- that's all I've been doing since grammy died. Yet another box of documents stood in my way, I channeled my grief and anger into throwing the box out of the way. My knees buckled under me and I fell to the floor and the room filled with my sobs. I was on my own, gram was the only family I had besides gramps, who had died when I was but six. My mother had died when giving birth to me, and my father was anonymous to everyone except mom. Gramp's death was caused by a car crash, and gram's was from cancer.

No one believed me when I said that gram was still alive. But I knew that she would only truly be dead when I believed it. And, I am never going to let that happen.

Through my tears, I faintly saw the edge of a glowing orb. All except the said edge was covered by boxes. I wiped my tears away in order to investigate, though more just took their place. When the torrent ceased, as I pulled the boxes away, a whirlpool made itself visible. But this whirlpool was not of water, but many fragments of mirror glass. Each tiny fragment peeked into my memories. I screamed as I was pulled into the whirlpool, I clawed away but to no avail. My vision filled with the fragments. Would this be the end? A moment after that thought entered my mind, I found my self in a room lined with windows. Each window depicted a different realm. One window caught my attention, an elf stood on the other side. His name was Okami, and he was madly in love with me. How do I know this? I had dreampt about him, along with all the other windows. Not only were these windows of a different world, but each one was a different dream.

I reached toward the window, half expecting glass to meet my fingers. Instead, they went right through to the other side. I pulled away momentarily, and without a second thought climbed through the window.

On the other side of the window, soft grass met my bare toes. I looked behind me. Instead of a window, there was a space between two branches that depicted the window room. Nodding with satisfaction, I continued on my way. An arrow whizzed past my ear, in shock I jumped and was suspended midair. A beating of wings behind my back caused me to remain motionless. Another arrow glanced off the bat-like wings behind my back, my wings. Okami loosed one arrow after another, close enough to intimidate me, but not to harm me. I flew up, now he started. He wasn't used to his target flying right up to him, especially Nocta. Nocta the outcast- the one who never wanted to take sides. The free one, and the one with bat wings.

I stared into his deep brown eyes, this so unnerved him that he fell from his perch. I dived to his aid, I caught him before he neared the ground. His face had gone pale, if my memory hadn't failed me, it was usually visa versa. I put him down on the ground, and sped off. As soon as his motion sickness allowed, he was on my tail. I neared a cliff, at it's foot there lay an expanse of water. Its circumfrance was that of a pond, but made up for its circumfrance in depth. Eleven or twelve feet down, there was a grey rock bottom. The crystal clear water betrayed this to me as I neared the edge, as to lose Okami. But, fate always had its way. My wings gave out above me, and not a second later the icy water met my skin. I sank like a stone. "So this is the end" I thought. My only regrets were that gramm was still out there, and I had not shown Okami that I returned his passion for me.


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440 Reviews


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Thu Jul 10, 2014 1:51 am
Wolfi wrote a review...



Hey Kelpies! I'm gonna review as I read, so here we go...

grammy

Here, your using "grammy" as her name, so it must be capitalized.
Yet another box of documents stood in my way, I channeled my grief and anger into throwing the box out of the way.

Having the word "way" twice in one sentence interrupts the steady flow that you had going on before.
My knees buckled under me and I fell to the floor and the room filled with my sobs.

This sentence is quite lengthy. Try this: "My knees buckled under me as I fell to the floor. The room filled with my sobs."
When the torrent ceased, as I pulled the boxes away, a whirlpool made itself visible.

Change to: "When the torrent ceased, I pulled the boxes away and a whirlpool made itself visible."
I found my self in a room

Myself, not my self.
An arrow whizzed past my ear

It would be nice if you could start a new paragraph here.
visa versa.

Vice versa, maybe? (I don't know how to spell it, but I believe that that is correct.)
at it's foot there lay

Just "[b]its[/i] foot" is appropriate.
circumfrance

Did you mean "circumference?"

Nice job! I feel like a lot more things could be described, such as this new world outside the window, but otherwise, things were written well.
As readers, we learned that Okami is an elf (and not an Anime wolf). I loved the dream room with the windows. That was a very clever idea. The entire story was fresh and original. I like that.
The ending was very interesting. I wonder- will Okami save her? Or will she find a way out some other way? I guess we'll have to wait and see! :D




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:45 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.

Okay, I like this so far.
It's interesting and fresh.
Onto nitpicking.....

Okay, I think there should be a comma right here -

Yet, another box of documents... -


And here -
...and I fell to the floor and the room, filled with my sobs.


Also, I don't think you should begin a sentence with the words 'and', 'or', or 'but'.
I think you should remove the word 'and' from this sentence.
And, I am never going to let that happen.


You said something about your paragraphing..
I believe you should separate more of your story more, at least at parts where you can actually start a new paragraph.

Overall, I like this chapter, and I believe you should continue this.
Keep it up. I can't wait to read more. c:




Kelpies says...


Yea, the reason that and/or are in the beginning of sentences is because I have a habit of making run-on sentences and wanted to make them shorter.



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Fri Jun 27, 2014 2:48 pm
cvandoren1 wrote a review...



This is really good, but here are a few minor mistakes you can easily take care of:

My mother had died when giving birth to me, and my father was anonymous to everyone except mom.
-At first, you say "my" mother and then you say just "mom". You might want to pick between the two and stay consistent.

Sorting through the attic- that's all I've been doing since grammy died. Yet another box of documents stood in my way, I channeled my grief and anger into throwing the box out of the way.
-You go between active and passive sometimes (something I do all the time!) like for example you write "sorting" and then you go to "channeled". So you could change sorting to sorted or channeled to channeling. You basically just need to pick one of the other.

You might want to try and explain the part with Okami shooting at you and tell more about the dreams. And you might want to try and reword the last sentence because it sounds a little confusing.

Overall, I think you are a really good writer and are extremely descriptive. As I read, I can picture the whole thing as if I were watching a movie! Good job!




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Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:38 pm
Kelpies says...



YOU MAY NOW READ THIS!




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223 Reviews


Points: 282
Reviews: 223

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Thu Jun 26, 2014 12:10 am
Kelpies says...



GLITCH PUBLISHED IT BEFORE IT WAS DONE!!!!!! PLEASE DO NOT READ!!!!!!!!!!!! I will tell you when It is otherwise.




Kelpies says...


Now you may.




You are strong enough to conquer this day and the rest of your life.
— Tuckster