z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Man Who Came From the Desert- Chapter 3 - The Plan

by TrudiRose


Argo had slept badly. At six o’clock he’d decided that there was little point in trying to get anymore sleep and so he got up and got dressed. After some coffee he went outside, the sun was out but the air had a delightful cool breeze that made the heat bearable. He wandered around the streets for a while before his curiosity got the better of him and he headed over to the Battered Bass in the hope of finding more about Jesse and his mission. He wondered whether Yohann would be cold with him but when he reached the Bass it was Jesse who was sitting outside at one of the wooden tables.

“Morning,” he said with a smile as Argo approached somewhat cautiously. “Aren’t you a little early for work?”

“Well, I thought I’d come and see how Matthew is doing,” he said, it was a lie but the more he dwelled on it the more he really did want to know how Matthew was.

“His injuries are healing,” Jesse said offering Argo a chair beside him “he might have a few scars though.”

“Is he going to stay here?”

“I don’t know,” Jesse said with an honest shrug “I suppose that’s up to him.”

“And what about you?” Argo asked “are you staying here or will you be returning to the desert for another five weeks?” he’d meant for it to come out as a joke bit it sounded awfully bitter. Luckily for him Jesse just smiled.

“Actually I’m heading to Melasurej, I want to get there before Remembrance Weekend,” Argo was surprised, Remembrance Weekend, an annual holiday celebrated by Ajudeans and Elgalians alike remembering the last weekend of freedom they had 500 years ago, was months away. Then again it was the 500th anniversary and the city was going to be packed.

“Do you have family there?” Argo asked, wondering how Jesse expected to get a room there at such a busy time.

“No.”

“Friends?”

“Not yet,” Jesse gave him a strange smile. Argo didn’t really know what to say. Jesse elaborated;

“I’m not going to celebrate the weekend, I’m hoping to get some face-time with Paulo Tirandez, y’know, the Julian Governor of the City?” Argo knew who Paulo Tirandez was, he’d been serving as Governor of Melasurej for five years now and was probably the most lenient governor the city had seen in years. He was, after all, the person who had allowed the border between Occupied Ajude and Elgalie to open.

“Why do you want to talk to him?”

“I want him to set us free,” Jesse said in all seriousness, if it weren’t for the solemn expression on Jesse’s face Argo would have burst out laughing.

“Are you serious? What makes you think he’ll listen to you?”

Jesse shrugged and smiled as though he knew but wasn’t going to tell. Argo found this smugness irritating. “Seriously though, people have been fighting for independence for years! Just because it’ll be Remembrance Weekend doesn’t mean he’ll treat you any differently, you could get into serious trouble if Julian guards catch you, what are you going to do to get the face time anyway? You know he only talks to Ajudean Generals or troublemakers, and I’m guessing you’re going to be the latter?”

This time Jesse was the one sustaining a smile,

“I don’t think you quite understand me,” he explained gently “I’m not going there to rebel or fight, I just want to talk to him. He needs to learn that the Ajudean people deserve their freedom.”

“I don’t understand,” Argo said, how could this guy be so naïve? Violence was rife amongst the Ajudeans and Julians, Jesse was asking for trouble.

“I won’t be going alone,” Jesse said “I’ll be gathering supporters, people who, like me, believe that we deserve our freedom but don’t want to have to resort to violence to achieve it. Trust me, the Julians want violence as much as we do. Do you think Tirandez wants to have to fight us? Do you think he wants to risk the lives of Julian men to fight against us? If there are enough of us wanting to talk to him he will allow it, that’s a fact.”

Argo could barely believe what he was hearing. This was a suicide mission! Jesse must have seen the confusion on Argo’s face, he leaned forward and slapped Argo on the shoulder.

“Why don’t you come with me?” Argo nearly choked on air.

“Wh-what?!” he gulped and Jesse laughed

“Come with me!” Argo stared at the man sat opposite him. The clearly delusional man who was either crazy or ill. The man who wanted to lead him right to his death. The man who seemed so sure, so calm, so confident. The man who somehow seemed right.

“Ok,” Argo nodded “I’ll come,”

Rock was eating breakfast with his heavily pregnant wife Petra and her mother Hannah. The tension in the room was so thick he felt smothered. He’d come down to the kitchen to find the morning paper open at his place at the table revealing the job vacancies.

“The child will be here soon, you must support your family!” Hannah had said strictly to him whilst Petra held back her tears as she prepared the eggs. He had been looking for work, he really had but there was nothing that didn’t require either experience or some obscure qualification he didn’t possess. First it had been just Argo nagging him, then Petra had dropped the odd not-so-subtle hint but now Hannah was joining in. That was the last thing he needed, she was a stern ex-school teacher who if he was honest, scared him a little.

“Surely Yohann can give you some hours at the Bass?” Hannah had asked her voice tinged with desperation.

“Yohann doesn’t have the money to spare on more workers,” Rock had argued “Argo spends most of his days standing around doing nothing!” Rock was by no means jealous of his older brother but he sure knew how to get under his skin without even being present. The debate ended when Rock set down his coffee cup so hard that is shattered on the precious wooden table that Petra had inherited from her late father.

Thankfully for Rock, the tension was cut by a sharp rapping at the door.

“I’ll get it!” he cried before either woman could hobble up out of their chair. He opened it and sighed, disappointed. It was Argo. “Now’s not a good time brother,” he said but Argo ignored him.

“Rock, I’m going to Melasurej!” he declared with a big, unusual for him, beam. He was obviously drunk. Wait, at seven thirty? Surely not! Not Argo!

“Are you ok?” Rock asked

“You heard me, I’m going to Melasurej, I’m going with my new friend Jesse!” Argo jerked his thumb behind him and Rock noticed for the first time the young man leaning casually against his wooden gate. The man smiled and waved.

“Nice to meet you Rock,” he said in a charming voice.

“Pleasure,” Rock said taking in the stranger at his gate. There was something oddly comforting about this man, all the anger and bitterness Rock had felt only minutes ago suddenly seemed to no longer exist.

“Argo and I are going to travel to Melasurej for Remembrance Weekend. We want to speak to Tirandez, so that he will grant us all our freedom. Would you like to join us?” the guy, Jesse didn’t move from the gateway as he spoke, almost as though he was ready to leave and get moving right away.

“Of course I can explain the details, we want to protest peacefully-”but Rock held stopped Argo who was now resembling his usual serious self.

“Count me in!” he said to Jesse.

The three men sat in the corner in the Battered Bass. Yohann had raised a skeptical eyebrow when Jesse announced his two new additions to his ‘mission’ team. Brothers Argo and Rock? Sure. That’ll work. But Yohann was good natured enough not to tease them. As good natured as he was it didn’t stop him from worrying. Sure he’d always dreamt of marching to Melasurej and overthrowing the regime but he had enough sense to know how stupid an idea it was. So hearing his cousin and friends planning their trip to the city gave him the shivers. Peaceful or not they were asking for trouble. This kind of reckless behavior was typical of Rock and maybe even of Jesse but not of Argo, the whole thing seemed strange and didn’t make Yohann regret turning down Jesse’s offer to join him six months ago.

The door opened and in walked Rai.

“Dude you’re not on today’s rota,” Yohann said to his best barman (it was true, Argo spilled to much beer)

“No worries Yohann I’m not here to take any more of your money,” Rai glanced at the three guys in the corner and nodded his head in greeting. “I actually wanted to invite you to a party tomorrow night, Taran and I are both going to our cousin’s wedding party, we’ve been told to invite all our friends, the more the merrier that sort of thing,”

“I’ll have to close the Bass,” Yohann thought out loud “hell, it’s not like we’re busy at the moment! Sure I’ll come along!”

“Awesome!” Rai beamed “Taran’s driving us there so we’ll collect you,” he turned to the three at the table “you’re all invited too,” Yohann was about to introduce Jesse but Rai turned away from the trio. “I’d better get going, I’ll see you tomorrow,” and with that he was already leaving the building.

Yohann turned to the boys.

“So?” he asked “are you guys going?”

“Sure,” Rock said “I’ll bring Petra and Hannah, they could use a night out,”

“Jesse?” Yohann asked knowing that his cousin was unlikely to know anyone there, but Jesse was smiling and looking completely unfazed by the whole ordeal.

“Oh I’m going,” he said with an impish grin “I love a good party”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
123 Reviews


Points: 13024
Reviews: 123

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 1:34 pm
Milanimo wrote a review...



Hi! Here to get you out of the green room!

I noticed first that you need to check your quotes. The punctuation used is not correct.

Now on to more specific parts.

"After some coffee he went outside, the sun was out but the air had a delightful cool breeze that made the heat bearable." Instead of a comma, you should use a period or semi-colon. These two clauses sound very different and have different thoughts.

“Morning,” he said with a smile as Argo approached somewhat cautiously. “Aren’t you a little early for work?”
Argo approaching can be split up into another sentence. It seems a bit off to put this action with a quote. It seems like it's unrelated to the conversation, or the people in it. It's more like a side note.

"he said, it was a lie" This can be separated into two different sentences. The comma is not correct, nor is it needed. These two sentences don't really flow well together.

"five weeks?” he’d meant for it to come out" The word "he'd needs to be capitalized.

"Remembrance Weekend, an annual holiday celebrated by Ajudeans and Elgalians alike remembering the last weekend of freedom they had 500 years ago, was months away." This is too much of a data dump in one sentence. Try breaking up the sentences into two different parts, so that you can still have the much needed explanation, but make it all flow better. Just take out the explanation and have it as a separate sentence, and the two dependent clauses at the beginning and end can be combined to make one sentence.

That's all I have. You really just need to focus on punctuation with your quotes and sentence structure. There are instances where you can combine sentences or where you can break them up. Doing so will help make it easier to read, and the reader won't be stuck on the structure and can focus more on the story.

Good job! As always keep writing!




User avatar
170 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 170

Donate
Fri May 16, 2014 5:57 pm
deleted5 wrote a review...



Hey there! Alex here to review the 3rd chapter of your story!
I'm enjoying how this story is developing! I like how you developed the political situation in this world and what Jesse wants. You developed the character of Jesse very well to make him seem like a cheerful but determined character.

“Pleasure,” Rock said taking in the stranger at his gate. There was something oddly comforting about this man, all the anger and bitterness Rock had felt only minutes ago suddenly seemed to no longer exist.

This bit was very effective in showing Jesse's effect on other people.

I did feel like this chapter was considerably shorter and to be honest, not much happens in it this time. Why not kill two birds with one stone by maybe adding something more to the chapter? Developing the world is all find but I would love something else to happen in this maybe a scene from before he got to the Battered Bass?

Generally there wasn't a lot to improve in this chapter so I'll give you a few nitpicks:

1)
"And what about you?” Argo asked “are you staying here or will you be returning to the desert for another five weeks?” he’d meant for it to come out as a joke bit it sounded awfully bitter.

I'll highlight the bits that have been changed:
)
"And what about you?” Argo asked,Are you staying here or will you be returning to the desert for another five weeks?” He’d meant for it to come out as a joke but it sounded awfully bitter.


2)
“Ok,” Argo nodded “I’ll come,”

Again:
)
“Ok,” Argo nodded “I’ll come.


Overall, good addition to the story!





"If fortis was here, we could have a teal party"
— Pompadour