Young Writers Society

I'll show you commitment
It's five years with no face
Love without a trace
You reach out to touch
while losing so much
Your fingers bleed from nothing
Jealousy over the simplicity of hugging
Love makes everything worth it
Somehow, together, we fit.
All the pain and the fights
Dull like old lights

I REALLY like this. I'm officially following you.

This poem is short, sweet, and straight-up. I like that. Great job.

Keep writing!

xoxo,
Kiicoh.

I really liked this poem. You used good metaphors, very creatively, and it was written well. I couldn't really find any grammatical or punctuation errors, so kudos to you for that! However, as there usually are, there are a few nitpicks in there.

It was a bit short, which, as how short this is, is a bit of a turn-off for me. Though, I can see how this could be considered short and sweet. I really liked what this poem was about: Commitment. The metaphors you used in it all fit in very well, and were very creative. The one about no face especially was awesome. The way, though, at the end the people your writing about are still together, rather than one not being committed anymore, made me smile. It was sweet, without being cliche. So, awesome job on that. You wrote this whole thing wonderfully. I'm really impressed.

There aren't really any other nitpicks that I have for this poem. Like I said, I really enjoyed reading this. You wrote it very well, and, like previously stated, what the poem is about was awesome.

Hi Boo! Here is the review, as requested.

This poem is interesting, and I'm not entirely sure how to approach this. This poem wasn't what I expected it to be when I first saw the title, and I had to read it a few times for it to really sink in.
I enjoyed this, but it was very short. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you need to expand it; it's just something that surprised me. The metaphors were great, and it had a nice flow. I don't usually like poems with a rhyme scheme, but this worked well.
I like the idea of a relationship with no purpose, especially in the way that you have described it. The simplicity of the poem paired with this concept was very well done.

I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to let me know.
Alz

Hiya there Boo,
sare here for a review!

Annoying ditties aside, I do have a review for you.

I'll show you commitment
It's five years with no face I like this a lot!
Love without a trace
You reach out to touch
while losing so much
Your fingers bleed from nothing
Jealousy over the simplicity of hugging this line is too long--doesn't fit into your rhyme scheme. also, "nothing" and "hugging" don't really rhyme to begin with
Love makes everything worth it
Somehow, together, we fit.
All the pain and the fights
Dull like old lights this is something of an unsatisfactory ending. Could you have tied it back to the beginning? You started talking about commitment and ended with lights...to me there's something missing.

About the rhyme scheme: Rhyming is a daring thing that few people (including Shel Silverstein) can actually pull off. Unfortunately, the rhyme scheme in this poem isn't really working for me. A lot of your rhymes don't really rhyme and are just kind of close to it. Make sure that if two lines do rhyme they have the same or similar number of syllables. Just be careful with rhyming because plenty of poems are just fine without it and it can be dangerous.

I do like the concept of your poem. Sorry if I kinda tore it apart, just go through and really consider each line and if it works technically because if it doesn't then people won't get much out of it no matter how good your ideas are.

Thanks for the read and keep writing!
Sare

Hi there Boo. Lavvi in to review for you yet again

So let's get on with the review:

A) Punctuation is always key. I know I targeted this with the other poem of yours that I reviewed, but this time I'm talking about punctuation for the whole poem and not just within parentheses. I won't ramble because I did talk about punctuation as a whole in a poem but I'll repeat a few things:

i) The punctuation of a poem and the way it is executed can affect the fluidity and/or meter of the entire thing. It's really important because it instructs the reader on how to read the poem, be it abruptly or flowing.

ii) Without punctuation, the whole poem feels like it's going nowhere because the reader doesn't know when to take breaks or continue on to the next line as if it were a divided sentence.

Two little tips that should always be taken into consideration when writing poetry. There are definitely types of poetry that go without punctuation but only in certain cases and only if the poet has a decent reason as to why.

B) Where is this going? I find this poem doesn't really click together like it should. I feel like every time I read a new sentence, it's a whole different concept. It's confusing and makes for a choppy poem. This could also be contributed to the lack of punctuation but I also think you haven't sorted your thoughts properly. Everything feels like it was only just written. It wasn't written with extreme thought that most poems should be.

Overall, it was okay. I didn't get any sort of special feeling when reading this and perhaps it's attributed to the two things I've pointed out above.

Yours,
Lavvi