Young Writers Society

The sword twirled between my fingers, keeping pace with my rapidly beating heart. I was now on the run and losing my ground fast. They were after me for a single reason.

The crown prince’s blood ran down the groove in the very sword I held.

I will not proclaim innocence. I slaughtered that bastard the moment his green eyes fluttered open. They were wide open and completely void in death. The malicious light had left them even as my hatred grew. He had been beautiful for a man, at least in our empire’s sense of the word. I was inclined to agree. His every feature from his silky blond hair to his long and tapered fingers and smooth skin read Royalty. His face had been feline as his mother’s, only making him more desirable. I hate hated him all the more for it. There was no reason he should have been born to such luxury when I had struggled for every breath, every scrap of food and every inch of flesh still decorating my thin bones.

A female in this world simply finds it detestable.

Unless you were a noble perhaps. The marrying off of a noble woman is something to be desired where I was born although it is essentially the same thing as a commoner woman’s. A man raping you, tearing at your body just as your breasts are developing, the gentle curves only starting to round themselves out, the monthly blood spilling; it’s the same whether you are a peasant or a noble woman. The only difference is the nobles are allowed to possess extravagant gifts for their sexual services. The blue bloods don’t know how easy they have it. At least only one man can have them. Low blood means if a man takes a fancy to your face he can have you whenever, wherever he pleases. I was always called to some officer’s room and used when I turned thirteen. They only strengthened my resolve to kill, to spill the blood of their king, queen and their first spawn.

I rounded a corner and nearly had my head taken off by my old swords instructor. He was the reason I had been able to carry out my revenge, why I still breathed. I smiled faintly, reading his movements with ease as I stared into his eyes. They were dark and seemed to be on fire with rage. I would be able to live through a fight with him if I could tell where he would move. He wasn’t too strong for me anymore.

His broadsword swung upwards in a diagonal slash as he roared. The graying hair slick with the effort it had taken him to get ahead of me. The sharp features marked him as having noble blood. His was a fallen noble family; descended from kings of ages past when the Hito Empire enjoyed waging war. The crown prince’s grandfather had defeated my instructor’s father and taken hold of the throne. My instructor was a young boy at the time. From crown prince to lowly soldier in a heartbeat. It was miraculous he had been spared. However, such things had their price. He had been castrated to end his line with his death.

I dodged with a practiced maneuver. I jumped and landed lightly on the tip of his sword with my left foot, bringing my right down towards his special weak spot, just where his hairline met his forehead. My father had left that for me. A deep wound that would never heal, just like the hole in my heart.

I struck, bringing my armoured heel down on the sweet spot. My instructor howled in pain, muscles contorted everywhere in his body. The blow I had sent to his brain had shattered his skull and sent shock waves through his spinal cord. I back flipped off his sword to send myself clear. I could run now, before the adrenaline surge brought the life back into him. That man was like a gorilla. You could pierce through his skull with the strongest of swords and he would still have time to tear you to shreds before his brain told him he was dead. As it was, I heard his heavy footsteps behind me even over the clinking of my own armour.

My sword was now somehow sheathed on my back and I used my right hand to grip the wall as I rounded another corner. This time it wasn’t a lone man. From that I could have run. Instead, I was greeted with five who all stole my moment of hesitation and quickly had me subdued. I expected a short sword through the neck within the space of a heartbeat. Instead, I was greeted with what I believed would be the final highlight of my short life. My sword instructor had reached us and the moment his eyes lay upon mine, blood spewed from his mouth and he died. Despite my situation, I smiled fiercely, the looked of a crazed woman. My cackling rang throughout the hallway almost drowning out the soldier who announced I was to be publicly executed in three days time.

I was carted to the dungeon as fast as they could drag me. They relieved me of my clothing, armour and sword, leaving me completely naked as I laughed hysterically. When the soldiers disappeared my laughs began to die and tears streamed down my cheeks. I didn’t bother to restrain them.

I was both elated and in despair. I had slaughtered my family’s murderer. I was now to die myself. I had not even graced the age of true adulthood. My final promise to my father broken. I would follow him into death without again experiencing a now forgotten emotion: happiness.

Cheers! I'm here to review, so let's get to it.



All in all? I think this is a good piece. I'm sure it could be done much better and you are capable of that. In the version it is now, it's pretty good in its own, good job. If you manage to spice this up a bit and correct it, then it'd be even more amazing =) I'll be looking forward to seeing more of your writings, good luck to you and don't give up half way! You've got plenty awesomeness to offer through your writing.

Kyou out~

Hey there!

First of all, at the beginning of this, I thought the MC was a man. I realized later that it wasn't, but I still couldn't help imagining her so, until the very end. Make it more apparent closer to the beginning, I'd say.

Second, I loved the flashbacks and information inserted, how it was give: fairly seemlessly. It was effortless to read and fairly easy to follow. However, it sort of felt like this was all a flashback. We don't really get a sense of here and now and her immediate feelings, emotions, actions. You tell us, but it's more of a summary. There are a few things I think you should consider that will help this tremendously:

Setting

We know where this all is, of course, but we don't really get a sense of where she is in it. I want to know where in the castle she is, see her interact with it, tell us of how it looks. I want to know the smells and sounds and touch of it. I don't need to know all of it, but I need to be able to see it. Give us a few key details - that's all we want. And keep telling us at which point she is at.

Description

Like I said above, we can't really see things. This isn't good. I want to be able to picture everything perfectly, to follow along. Like I also said above, this doesn't mean you have to overdo it - just a few key details are enough. But remember - description isn't just sight. Use all the senses: taste, touch, sight, sound, and scent. Mixing these us will keep us interested.

Action

Tying in with the rest, I don't get a sense of exactly what she's doing. More like I know she's in a sword fight, but all I have access to are her thoughts. I want to see her fight. I want to see her struggle. I want to know what she's doing, what her instructor's doing, and how exactly it is that she's gotten better than her instructor. Type out the actions. Go step by step (though be careful not to be tedious) and allow us to see her.

Dialogue

I find that even a few lines of dialogue can add a layer of immediacy to a piece. They indicate something happening now and are therefor great.

So, overall I do really like this. Just work on making it seem like it's occurring now, not days or months or years ago, alright? Oh, and let us in on the MC's thoughts, not just showing her as hysterical.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Wow, that was very, interesting to say the least. Well written despite some lack of description. In any case good job and keep it up!

~FW~

Pretty interesting so far. The only thing that may need to be worked on is the layout. You give a lot of information at once, talking about why she was running away and then suddenly jumping into what life was like for her and for women. Then going back to the present. It all seemed to kind of jump around, and though it wasn't hard to follow it was distracting. Maybe cut up the flashbacks and the explanations with the present action. That way you keep these pockets of information separated while simultaneously keeping the reader feeling like they are still with the character in the present. There were also a few grammatical errors I spotted, but overall it was a good read! Keep it up!!!

First thought: girl power! YES! DD I didn't want it to end! You should definitey write more to this, carry it on to a bigger storyline somehow. There's potential in the background events (which you wrote into the story flawlessly and with perfect flow, may I add) yet I want to know more about the girl herself. I'd like to know more about the place where she was at, what time it's set in, but all that's really only necessary if you decide to continue writing it. Big kudos for this one!

Whoa. Good response o.o

Now that I look at it from this perspective, I guess I did skimp a little, a lot, on the description. Though I won't change how Shira (my MC) comes across. I feel that it doesn't matter that she's a woman, hatred and the longing for revenge on someone who does us wrong is universal. She doesn't really think of herself as a woman either. Before she's a woman, she's a swordsman.

I'll edit, maybe write a few more chapters and see how it goes. Hopefully, it'll turn out all right ^_^

Hello there!

I liked this. It was crisp and moody and full of action. I'm definitely intrigued and want to read more about this character and how she's going to get herself out of this mess.

I really liked the way you wrote the action, just precise enough that we have a good idea of what is going on in a rather prettily written way, but not so much that we are being assaulted by every single little detail of the movements. What does bog down the flow, however, is the internal thought.

It's important, it really is, especially in such a personal situation. However, because of how much there is so quickly, some of the impact of the fight is lost. Try separating them a little more. Cut down on the thought through the fight and instead have it be limited to "breather" moments, sort of interspaced and contained. You have all the time in the world to tell us about the world situation and the history between characters. For the fight, focus on the fight. Make it feel as immersive as possible. Set the stage clearly (I have to second ultraviolet in wanting a little more description) and then stay with the action. The thoughts can come later. Most people aren't waxing poetic about their histories in the middle of a firefight.

A female in this world simply finds it detestable.

Unless you were a noble perhaps. The marrying off of a noble woman is something to be desired where I was born although it is essentially the same thing as a commoner woman’s.And all the rest of this paragraph.

This bit felt like it came the heck out of left field. I mean, so far, we just had the assassination of the crown prince, which was apparently motivated by the death of her family. What does her past history of rape have to do with it? Not that it isn't a big part of her character and probably helped fuel her motivation, but this doesn't feel like it's all that important right now. If you want to set up that it was a horrible life for women, okay fine. But is this really where it needs to go? Again, most people in the midst of adrenalin-fueled action aren't going to be thinking about why they are doing what they are doing. They are just going to do it. This feels like it would be better placed elsewhere.

I'm intrigued though. The writing was nice and despite the definite word-clog within the action, the action itself was really cool. I'm definitely reading more.

~GryphonFledgling

Where do I begin? Hmmm, how about...THIS STORY IS FREAKIN INTENSE! I enjoyed reading it, and now I'm ready to offer my critiques. Hopefully this review is as action-packed as the story! haha

The sword twirled between my fingers, keeping pace with my rapidly beating heart. I was now on the run and losing my ground fast. They were after me for a single reason.

The crown prince’s blood ran down the groove in the very sword I held.

Alright, good start. You've painted a pretty good picture of a conflict and a rising action. I'm ready to hear more.

I will not proclaim innocence. I slaughtered that bastard the moment his green eyes fluttered open. They were wide open and completely void in death. The malicious light had left them even as my hatred grew. He had been beautiful for a man, at least in our empire’s sense of the word. I was inclined to agree. His every feature from his silky blond hair to his long and tapered fingers and smooth skin read Royalty. His face had been feline as his mother’s, only making him more desirable. I hate hated him all the more for it. There was no reason he should have been born to such luxury when I had struggled for every breath, every scrap of food and every inch of flesh still decorating my thin bones.

Alright, good character development. You've managed to flesh out the reason for the conflict, and a solid personality trait. Good job for just one paragraph.

Unless you were a noble perhaps. The marrying off of a noble woman is something to be desired where I was born although it is essentially the same thing as a commoner woman’s. A man raping you, tearing at your body just as your breasts are developing, the gentle curves only starting to round themselves out, the monthly blood spilling; it’s the same whether you are a peasant or a noble woman. The only difference is the nobles are allowed to possess extravagant gifts for their sexual services. The blue bloods don’t know how easy they have it. At least only one man can have them. Low blood means if a man takes a fancy to your face he can have you whenever, wherever he pleases. I was always called to some officer’s room and used when I turned thirteen. They only strengthened my resolve to kill, to spill the blood of their king, queen and their first spawn.

Whoa! That's a whole lot of information there. You've introduced a checkered past, a complex world conflict and a world to go with it, and emotional appeal to the reader. Now it's an interesting world you've created, but you've thrown a lot at us in this paragraph. I would suggest maybe rounding it out, spacing out the information. Or maybe just use less, whichever you want. I like this idea of the world you've made though, it's very creative.

I rounded a corner and nearly had my head taken off by my old swords instructor. He was the reason I had been able to carry out my revenge, why I still breathed. I smiled faintly, reading his movements with ease as I stared into his eyes. They were dark and seemed to be on fire with rage. I would be able to live through a fight with him if I could tell where he would move. He wasn’t too strong for me anymore.

His broadsword swung upwards in a diagonal slash as he roared. The graying hair slick with the effort it had taken him to get ahead of me. The sharp features marked him as having noble blood. His was a fallen noble family; descended from kings of ages past when the Hito Empire enjoyed waging war. The crown prince’s grandfather had defeated my instructor’s father and taken hold of the throne. My instructor was a young boy at the time. From crown prince to lowly soldier in a heartbeat. It was miraculous he had been spared. However, such things had their price. He had been castrated to end his line with his death.

Interesting character for your protagonist to conflict with. But does he have a name? It would have been nice to give him a name so he can have a real connection to the story (although since his family name's gonna expire...lol ). I feel like he could be a little more fleshed out. A name is a good place to start.

Well this is all and all a pretty solid story, or opening for a story (whichever you decided). I'd really like to see it improve in the future! If you ever need a future review, I'm always here!
- SOCKS