Young Writers Society

What would you do if you were part of a game where you couldn’t trust anyone?

Well, I’m a part of that game.

I got my package today. Of course, I didn’t notice the letter until after. Too late. By opening that package, I had agreed to join the Liar Game. The letter said so.

When I opened that seemingly harmless, ordinary brown cardboard box, I almost forgot to breathe. A million dollars, all bound together with bonds and labeled with their series numbers.

I sat on the floor next to it for a while. That was when I spotted the letter in all it’s plain glory. A standard white envelope containing a black card with golden letters typed across it.

It didn’t tell me a lot, just that I was now one of 100,000 people randomly selected to be a part of the Liar Game Tournament. The million? Our game money. We can win it, or, we could lose it all.

A new card will be coming in a few days, it said. I guess I’ll have to wait for it. Maybe by then I’ll have figured out what to do with all this cash.

I’m scared for what might happen.

~ Yours in blood

As she signed off her diary, her pen slipped and the ink ran. “Blood” now had ink droplets spreading from its characters. It looked like the word itself was bleeding. She smiled wryly at the irony.

Glancing at the package, she sighed. She had been an idiot not to look around for a letter first.

She slung her arm over the back of her chair and watched as her tears made dark circles on her jeans. She started to shake before she forced herself to look away from the box.

She brushed strands of long red-brown hair out of her brown eyes. Taking another glance at her ‘diary,’ she felt hollow. It wasn’t so much a diary as a series of unsent letters to her mother. The woman was hospitalized; it was year two of a coma.

The debts were piling up. Medical bills, living expenses, tuition fees…everything had to be dealt with. Her father was no help; he was in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s. The money for that had to come from her pocket now that her parent’s savings had dried up. She was in debt, deeply.

She swiped at her tears and gritted her teeth.

“Why?” she breathed out.

“Why?” A little louder this time.

“Why?!” she screamed.

No one heard her.

Hey there!

Well, first off, since this is a fan faction, technically you have to put it under Fan Fiction, otherwise it's considered plagiarism, I think. Also, it's not a bad idea to tell what this is based off of, though I'm not sure if for legal reasons that has to be there.

Second of all, I really like this, but it's not really a chapter one. More of a prologue. See, it doesn't feel like real-time; rather, like an excerpt you see on the back. I don't know if you're for or against prologues, but the people that are against them generally are so because most prologues are pointless, neither adding to the story or characterization at all, or in ways that couldn't easily (and much more effectively) be done in the actual story itself. However, this is what I would consider a well-used prologue, if you made it so. I'd convert it. Just a suggestion, of course.

Now, to the actual material.

The letter didn't feel like a letter, or a diary entry. More like what you see on the back of a book cover. This isn't necessarily bad - after all, it did what back covers and first lines alike are supposed to do: grab hold of your attention - but I think it could have been better. There are a few instances of emotion, but for the most part, you're telling us what happened. You're summarizing it. I want to live it. That's the beauty of a diary entry/letter: the MC is writing it, exactly how she felt it, went through it, and they can use whatever unique traits to portray it. Add in more thoughts and have her interact with the situation more, if that makes sense. If it doesn't, I'd love to explain myself further.

And the next thing is a lot like the previous one. Basically, I want her to live all of this. Describe more - you have plenty of opportunities to. This is a great place to put in place setting, her standing in life, so many things. Use this to your advantage. Slip in details of the world around her, of her, of her situation - not blaring things, just little bits here and there as they fit in with the story. Just don't overload this.

Okay, so I love this. If I found this on a shelf in a bookstore, I'd continue reading (though, since this is a fan fic, I guess that's not really a possibility). But I will say this: reading this makes me want to read whatever book this is based off of. That's hard to accomplish.

If I at all confused you or you want to talk about anything in your story, PM me or post on my wall. Same for if you post another chapter, as I'd love to see it. Thanks for the good read.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

I figured more people might read it this way :/ It's based on the world created by Shinobu Kaitani, he's a manga-ka, a manga writer. Liar Game probably one of my favourite manga by him. But since no one ever looks at fan fiction, I thought it would be lost on people who might actually love it. Which would be horrible >.< Especially since Liar Game itself isn't very well known, what with the giants of Naruto, Bleach and One Piece >.>

This is the first time I've had a character like this one. She's a pain to write with, though I see your point of living through her, I make that comment often myself. What I wanted to do with her is to slowly put the pieces of her character together, slowly build life into her instead of having her breathe right at the beginning. Apparently I'm awful at that >.<

I don't like prologue's much, though I've had them twice so far. I don't mind them, per say, but this started out as one. Generally, I only use them when there's a large time gap between the chapters or if I completely change the character in-between.

But I'm glad you liked it ^_^ My MC is going to change on an extreme level as this continues, as the pieces of her character fall into place. You'll find out what she's really capable of ^_^

Overall I liked it, it's a pretty good set up. I just wish I knew more about the MC, you didn't really give us a general description of the person, not even a name. I understand her problem with her parents, but that leads to more questioins, how old is our MC? Is she still in high school or college? (some high schools have tuition).

Also, the first paragraph, in my opinion, should have more questions to it. That way the reader is reeled in.

This is only a first chapter, so I'm guessing all of my questions will be answered. I look forward to reading more, it sounds pretty interesting. I wasn't aware this was fanfiction until I got to the end, so is this some type of homage to the Hunger Games?

Grandison

I am not usually a fan of stories such as this one but I found this interesting. Your story flows nicely and despite not having a major conflict right away the story grabbed me. Well written and I would love to read more should you decide to continue writing it!

Keep writing,
~FW~