Inside of a Star [Chapter One]

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Well done. I like all the tension going on. I can't really grasp the characters much, so you may need to work on that. It's long, effective and very dramatic. So well done you and keep on writing.
- bugbug356

I like all the creativity!!!!!! Nice descriptions. But where did the father come in? When did he show up? Very good, i hope you keep writing on it.

First, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS! and i am being totally serious. (lets just say I have a thing for demon stories) But the one thing I didn't like, when she was having the flashbacks, they were a little confusing as to where those ended and when she was talking to her mother. Just make the transitions smoother. You also have some grammar things to work on. Other than that I absolutely loved it! You should totally go sit down and write the rest because I wanna know what else happens!! Keep writing!! Like right now!

Want to say I absolutely love your work^^ I truly loved the creativity you showed and also shall eagerly await the next chapter for you have caught my curiosity with this tale. I look very excitedly for the next work you create. I shall follow you so I may continue reading good luck and happy writing!!!
Soulkana<3

This is a GREAT start to your novel! Very good. I really loved it.

Keep writing!

~H. C. Smith

Lots of potential here, I think. My thoughts going through:

"-Removed-" This line seemed a bit odd to me. If I were you, I'd axe the 'What, is she not here?' thing. We'll understand that she's gone by the fact that he's looking around a silent home. Also, the 'that I knew from my memories' thing feels weird to me. Maybe cut that off of this sentence and add something like. "It looked the same way it always had growing up." Or something.

"-Removed-" - Tense issues here. Was going to, if he doesn't. Past, and then present/future. Make sure your tenses agree.

That second paragraph... It's a lot of information, and your thought process is a little jumpy. In the sentences about the professor and paper, especially. They're not really connected to the things that come before and after them. What makes her think of this, out of the blue?

"-Removed-" I'm seeing a lot of sentences like this, where you try to sum up their entire lives in two sentences. Don't be afraid to break them up a little more, or to give us the information more gradually. Otherwise we're going to get flooded in details and feel a little overwhelmed.

I also got a little confused at the switch from house to bookstore/flashback(?). For a minute I thought Jericho was in the empty house -- a sibling or something.

"-Removed-" Most people won't look anyone in the eye when they're lying. Right now your MC sounds like a crazed fan girl saying, "I've always known that whenever Justin Bieber is in public, he wears pants. I just know him that well."

"-Removed-" Actually, HE doesn't deserve the heartache.

"-Removed-" What kind of sounds? Scraping metal? Shrieking lizards? Eery hums or gravelly scraping? There are a lot of different possibilities for what the sounds good be, and right now you aren't giving us any real hints.

"-Removed-" Oh. XD Never mind. But maybe you should describe this earlier?

"-Removed-" You use 'skin' twice, and it feels a little repetitive. Maybe combine the two? "A sludgy mixture of blood and dirt covered their skin, thicker around their large mouths." Or something. XD

"-Removed-" How? Is she punching? Kicking? Hitting pressure points or ripping their limbs off or jabbing them in the eyes? Help us to visualize this as it happens. Also, it seemed kind of out of the blue, because a second ago she was just cowering against a wall, which gave off the impression that she was kind of helpless.

"-Removed-" How long has this fighting been going on? Also, using the word blood twice in rapid succession again feels kind of repetitive. Shortly after this, you used 'focused' twice, too. Maybe you should go back through and check to make sure you're varying your word choice a bit? Remember, the thesaurus is your friend.

"-Removed-" Couple of things here. First, the demon seems to be jumping in slow motion while she has this little paragraph of 'OMG, I'm gonna die, I suck'. It feels like it should happen a lot faster than it does. Second, it's spelled 'defenseless'. Third, she hasn't exactly been trying to put up a fight. She's just standing there, watching, so right now she might as well start running away if she's not going to try anything. And she's brooding on her uselessness an awful lot in this paragraph... I'd keep an eye on that.

"-Removed-" What? Is it supposed to be 'on me'? And also, her mom is running away and leaving her. She's way too calm right now. I'd be freaking out. And also, 'her one regret?' I'd think she'd have a couple more, and this isn't really the time to think about it. Again, this scene seems to be in slow motion, and if you're going to do that, I would say something like, "The world seemed to slow, and I had a moment of clarity." But that could get cheesy fast, so... Basically, this sequence isn't really working for me.

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I have multiple problems with this section. First, she seemed very calm a couple seconds ago, and NOW she's freaking out? I realize that I just said, "She should be freaking out", but put behind what came before, it just makes it even more odd. Also, The whole Cloud and Jericho 'promised to protect me even from death' thing? I'm not sure everyday guys would make those promises. At least not to her face. And when would they have the opportunity to? "Hey, Cloud, wanna come over and watch movies?" "Sure, and by the way, I'll protect you from death. 8D"
Right now, I've gotta confess... I'm not liking your MC. She seems weak, and lame, and I sense a love triangle forming (which isn't always bad if it's done well, but I'm not a fan of the whole 'two guys obsessed with the same girl' thing...)

Again, the flashback comes so rapidly that it takes me a second to put together what's going on. Give us a break, or a '~', or something to signify that the scene is changing. Also, be careful not to inturrupt the action too much.

I'm not even going to count the number of times you just used the word 'sweat' in rapid succession. Because sweat is gross. Again, watch the repetition.

She gets over Jericho awfully fast... Gotta confess. Not liking these characters a whole lot. :/

"-Removed-" I think you meant Jericho. Also, in the same paragraph, there are two very similar sentences that basically say the same thing. "That's what drew me in the first place," etc.

"-Removed-" Again, LOTS of description all in pretty much a list. It can get a little overwhelming.

Wait a second. I thought there were three demons, but the mom only killed one? What happened to the others? o.O

"-Removed-" *gulp* Birds and the bees talk, eh? XD

So did her brothers die because they were sick, or because they drove drunk? That's a bit confusing. Also a bit confusing is the sudden scene switching again, because for a second I wasn't sure what was current and what was flashback.

"-Removed-" If all of them look like the ones they just killed, they wouldn't be real tough to beat.

This could possibly be interesting, but I think you'd have to do it very well and make sure to distinguish it from all the other "Kids find out secret origins hidden from them by their parents and start hunting demons" stories. Make your characters unique, strong, and likable. DIVIDE UP YOUR SCENES more clearly, proofread, and try to vary your word choices.

This has potential I think, but you've got some work to do. :]

Keep writing.

Jesus- demons! Love it, love the descriptions, beautiful writing- you have such a way with words!
I think some of the sentences could be shortened slightly, for example at the beginning Kyrie tells us exactly what the paper is she's taking is, what it's called and what it's for- I'm not sure if we need this.
And I also think that you need to work better on your transitions between memories- I didn't know where Kyrie actually was, killing demons with her bad-ass mother, snogging Cloud or comforting Jericho? I also think that you should make your characters a little more gripping- Cloud seems interesting, though; that scar sounds creepy!
Overall, you have a beautiful writing style; this is dramatic, fun, scary and touching!

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That line about her mom understanding that she has a life of her own? It bothered me a little bit the first time around, and here... I don't know, I think you've got to the opposite side of the scale. Before you gave us too much detail, all crammed into one space, and now everything's a little vague. Also, again, some typos... I'm not sure about that last line either, where she says it's good that they're super close with her mom because it means she doesn't have to pay for college. That feels like she's using her mom...

"-Removed-" Ah... I think eyes turned into Cloud, for some reason. xD

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I don't know about this section. It's a little... Meh. Jumbled, maybe? Off topic?

"-Removed-" This line, too, it's a bit stiff. Out of place. It feels like it's pulling me out of the story.

Lots of typos, and things that you'd probably spot if you proofread a little more (the whole 'eyes' to 'Cloud' thing), so you should probably go through it a few more times. Try readin' it out loud, and trying to catch errors that way...

There's some improvement in the action and the way things flow. The actioney scenes were much better this time around, but I think there's still some technical stuff you've got to work out. :]

Keep writing.

Hello there! This is quite lengthy so I'm going to make a few comments as I read through but rather than concentrating on nit-picks, I'll give you some more general suggestions at he end:

Alright, first off, a little info dumping at the beginning - too much information about paying the rent and how the parents pay for the tuition fees - and then a lot of confusion about setting. One moment the MC is visiting the mother and then before that scene's even started, you movve on to another. There needs too be more of interest and intrigue in that first scene or it will be forgotten immediately.

-Removed-[Wait, slow down. You need to give a sense of whether this is natural. Are demons found regularly in this world or is this character totally spooked by these weird creatures? Try to give a sense of what your character is feeling so the reader knows where they stand.]

Romance

There's too much of it. Or at least, it's written in a way that the romance takes over the whole plot. I spent half your novel wishing you'd get back to the part about the demons to be completely honest. The romance with Jericho was annoyingly cliche and while that with Dorian (cool name by the way) was a little better, it still went on too long, was jumped into too quickly and just didn't fit. It's a cool idea to combine elements of fantasy with the whole high school drama romance. It's also very popular at the moment. The issue is though that yours isn't done seemlessly enough. It feels like you're flicking between two entirely different novels. Also, guys don't generally ask girls to be their girlfriend. They tend to ask if you want to hang out some time or if you want to get lunch or if you want to go to the cinema. They may even use the word date but I've found that half the time they take forever to actually ask you to be their girlfriend. Sometimes you have to ask them if you are actually together to reassure yourself that it's official and that you're out of the dating period. I suppose it sometimes works that way with guys you've been friiends with for a while. I've had one just suddenly turn around and ask it. But without there being a relationship there already, thhere needs to be more of a build up.

Descriptions

Theree's some ncie character descriptions in this but not enough for setting and that's what really builds the atmosphere. You should describe the house the mum is t, the house the party iss at. The description of the book-shop is actually okay so no prooblems there but also, that seen with Dorian. What is it like outsie the house? HHas she gone out the abck to a really pretty little garden that just fills her head with loads of silly ideas of romance and springs her into the mood for kissing Dorian. Or is is more like out front, on the street, where soome of the party-goers are spilling out and therre's drunk people crashed into the pavement amongst their own vomit and someone pissing against a lamp post? Think abbout it carefully because the setting makes all the difference.

Well I shall leave you with that for now. You probably picked the wrong person to review this to be honest as only the most well written romances satisfy me and I don't really go in for that teenage drama stuff. It's not bad though and I do think it has potential. You had me interested during the demon section and I vaguely liked Dorian. But look into cleeaning this up, okay?

Heather xxx

p.s. I'll still review the other parts if you'd like, I just can't promise to be all gushy and full of compliments

Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review! My review will consist of mostly grammar mistakes, and I see that you have alot of reviews so far; if I am redundant please excuse me. Now on to the meat of your review:

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There should b e a comma after homework because you are using a conjunction to combine two complete sentences together.

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There should be a comma after me because you are c ombining two complete sentences with a conjunction and.

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Instead of using parenthesis, put a comma after usual.

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There should be an apostrophe in it's bec ause it owns the mouth

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There should be a comma after eagles because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

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There should be a comma after demons because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and

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Might just be a typo, but there should be no dash after the last me.

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Never start a sentence with a conjunction (for and nor but or yet so) because it turns your sentence into a fragment in this case you can just take out the word and and capitalize the s in so. You c an keep the word so at the beginning because it has a comma after it.

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There should be a comma after life because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and

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There should be a comma after slightly because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and

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It should be: the smell of

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This is confusing. If they didn't die from drunk driving and Kyrie knew it, why is he saying that she doesn't know it?

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This isn't necessary.

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Most twenty year olds do not talk like this to their mothers.

Overall this needs some work.

1) There needs to be way more description.
2) Be careful about switching tenses. It gets confusing when you put the wrong tense in the wrong place.
3) Shouldn't this be Science fiction? It is talking about demons.
4) Why is Kyrie ready to makeout, but not ready for a boyfriend?
5) Your story arrangment seems a little weird. I don't see the necessity for all the flashbacks. It just makes it more confusing.
6) You do quite a bit of cussing in your story and i was wondering if it was necessary. I wouldn't use it unless i absolutely had to. It just looks in bad taste.
7) I thought Kyries mother was sick and that's way Kyrie was visiting, but her mother fixes her back up and takes her to the car.
There's alot of inconsistences in your story.
9) What bodie is the mother cloeaning up? That whole scene needs cleaned up and explained better.
10) Did her mom kill the demons o9r did they leave after they attacked Kyrie?
11) I did like the fact that the mother character was very realistic! Bravo.

If you need any more reviews besides these three chapters or if you have any questions feel free to ask.
Have a good day,
Tiffany

Hi, Syn. This review will be rough.

- Style. you constantly use words like "I guess" and "stuff" and "literally" and "I swear". This is not literary writing. Your piece sounds like a teenager talking, not like a writer writing. That's not a good thing. If I want to read writing that sounds like a teenager talking, I'll just listen to a teenager talking.

- Word choice. there are many, many places where you use big words incorrectly. A nurse who checks out Jericho says he "might have a laceration". A laceration is the same thing as a wound. Jericho is bleeding all over the place. No, really, miss Nurse, I don't think that's a laceration, it's just a very big nosebleed!... and other places like this. Very, very many incorrectly used words.

- Story structure. You info-dump a lot. You jump between several time periods in a very short period of time. You tell us information that is irrelevant to the plot, information that serves only to crudely characterize your characters. That's not how you're supposed to do this. You're supposed to show information off gradually, not shove fistfuls of it in the reader's face. You'll suffocate your reader if you do that.


There are a lot of issues with this story. I have already reviewed this chapter twice, in its previous incarnation, and this is the third review. Either you do not understand what I am trying to tell you in my reviews, or I am bad at teaching. In either case, I will not be reviewing the other chapters, because I will only be re-stating what I stated here, again and again and again. I recommend PinkShearwater for a more constructive review.

Your star,
cC