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The Gem of the Magi - Prologue and Chapter One



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Tue Dec 28, 2010 11:26 pm
HIGHWHITESOCKS says...



Prologue
The Grand High Mage Council

“Alright, all of the invitations are prepared and ready to be sent,” Archmage Farren declared, as she finished imbuing the last stone tablet. It had been hard to see, as the only light in the small round meeting chamber came from torches on the walls. She handed the tablet to High Apothecary Corin so that the medicine woman could begin to send them out to the apprentice magi.

“Good, good,” High Inscriptionist Whitestone said. “All has been prepared well. The tournament approaches us fast, and before the week is out, we will have our 4,000 apprentice magi.”

“Let us not forget, there may be more,” Corrected Archmage Farren. “There are 7,000 invitations.”

“Never more than 4,000 have ever returned,” High Enchanter Laux said with pity. The man shook his head. “It will be no different this year.” He adjusted the waist tie on his orange velvet robe and stroked his brown goatee.

“A thousand and seven hundred days is a long time in the grand scheme,” High Inscriptionist Whitestone reminded him. He ran a hand through his hair, which was graying over, even though he was not quite very old. “We may have more contenders this year, since the last tournament.”

Archmage Farren nodded. “I believe my daughter will be in this tournament.” The young woman parted her brown hair and proudly observed the painting of her daughter hanging on the wall of the council room. The child shared her beauty and love for magic.

“My son will be competing as well,” High Enchanter Laux threw in, not to be outdone.

“Well, I hope the rest of his group don’t mind cynics,” High Apothecary Corin said. The others laughed.

The final two members of the Grand High Mage Council entered the room and took their seats at the long table. One was High Sorceress Diana; often considered the most attractive and alluring woman in the land, with her well kept hourglass figure, cream-colored skin so soft it shamed rabbit fur, hair falling down her back like a black curtain, and voice that could soothe the bite out of an angry trogg.

The other was High Shaman Elisum; a handsome young man, incredibly strong-figured and knowledgeable. He was an expert in every field he practiced. His light brown hair shined like crystal in the torchlight, as he kept it so clean. He was also the lover of High Sorceress Diana.

“Well it is good then because our daughter will be competing as well,” High Shaman Elisum stated in his powerful speaking voice.

“And she has promise in both of our magical fields,” High Sorceress Diana added.

“This promises to be an interesting tournament indeed,” High Apothecary Corin observed. “With so much talent just from our children, I can only imagine what the world’s apprentices will bring.” The medicine woman, slightly older than Archmage Farren, withdrew a bowl and passel from within her robe. She began to mix together some herbs from a hanging basket in the council room.

“So, all of the invitations have been sent?” High Inscriptionist Whitestone asked again.

“Yes, all 7,000,” High Apothecary Corin confirmed. “The Lord High Archmage will be pleased.”

“Indeed. He has been especially anxious for the tournament this cycle,” High Sorceress Diana said.

“Well, then let us hope he is not disappointed,” High Enchanter Laux said with finality. The bird in its cage on the wall of the council room chirped. It was time for the High Magi to return to their homes.

“Well, we must be going. Good luck to all of your children,” High Inscriptionist Whitestone said, nodding his head to Farren, Laux, and Diana and Elisum. “Let us all rest well tonight, and hopefully begin to see returned invitations on the ‘morrow.”

************************************************************************************************************************************************

Chapter One
Nathaniel

Nathaniel Abram locked his eyes on the three lanterns hanging from the bare tree. He backed up a few steps, bumping against the wall of his small house, and stepped forward again. He took a stance and wiped away the sweat dripping into his eyes from the short bangs of his wild, but somehow neat brown hair. When he’d taken another deep breath, he held his hands close together, and began casting.

First, he conjured a fireball between his hands. With one hand, he cast it at one of the lanterns. It flew through the air and lit a fire in the iron cage. He then conjured two fireballs, one in each hand, and cast them at the other two lanterns. They lit as well.

“Perfect,” Nathan said.

Next, he put his hands together and conjured a ball of water. He cast it at one of the lanterns, putting it out. Then he cast another water ball, threw it into the air, and cast a bolt of icy wind at it. It froze instantly, and he caught it as it fell. With a wave of his hand, he liquefied it again, and it drained into the ground.

“Very deftly handled, Nathan,” said a voice from behind him.

Nathan turned around to see his mentor standing behind him. His bush of a beard was combed, and his blue robe was freshly washed. He nodded approvingly at his young apprentice.

“Thank you, master Page,” Nathan said, bowing his head.

“Now how about we see some work with your wand?”

“Of course.” Nathan took his ebony-colored wand from within his robe. He held it by the thick wooden grip and pointed it at the remaining two lanterns. With a swish and a flicker, a jet of wind came out of the wand’s tip, blowing out both of the fires. He then swiped the tip against his arm, lighting it like a match. He put the flame up to his mouth, inhaled deeply, then looked straight up, and blew a stream of fire out of his mouth. A few puffs of breath produced small fireballs. He then took a cup of water from a bench against the wall of the house, threw the water into the air, and using his wand, formed it into and ice ball. As it fell, he put up his wand, and as the ball made contact with the tip, it shattered into thousands of tiny flakes of ice.

Page nodded. “Very nice form, Nathan. Well done,” he commended, patting his charge on the back. “I especially like what you did with the ice ball at the end. Very flashy, and very good with your wand.”

Nathan sighed. “I was meaning to turn it back into water.”

“Well, sometimes the world gives us unexpected gifts. We should be thankful for them when they are given.” Page advised.

Nathan smiled and nodded. “Of course, master.”

“Now come inside, it’s time for supper,” Page ordered. He and Nathan walked inside the small kitchen of the house and moved over to the iron stove-box, where a pot of vegetable stew was cooking over the fire. Page stirred it a few revolutions with a large spoon, then waved out the fire with his hand and blew a wind into the pot to cool it.

After Nathan had filled two clay bowls with stew, and they as they sat down at the small wooden table to eat, there was a knock at the door. Page answered the door, and saw a young mail runner with a package.

“I have a package for Nathan Abram and his mentor,” the boy said.

“I am the mentor.” Page confirmed. He took the bundle, tipped the boy a silver coin, and closed the door.

“Oh, what is it?” Nathan asked eagerly.

“We’ll find out after dinner and evening spell readings,” Page said, setting the box on a high shelf.

“Aw, why can’t I open it now?”

“This is a test in patience. It’s an important life skill.” Page returned to his seat and chuckled to himself as Nathan ate his stew more hastily.

After dinner, and the evening spell readings, Nathan was practically jumping out of his robe to see what the package was.

Page gave him the bundle, and he eagerly unwrapped it. Within the paper was a large wooden box. On the lid of the box, two pieces of strings, laid next to each other, were ingrained in a stone tablet, with a small hourglass below them. The box came with a small envelope, which Nathan read the front of.

An Invitation to the Grand Tournament of Magi
For Nathaniel Abram, apprenticed to Simon Page
Must be returned in seven days, or will be voided


“Oh my lord! An invitation to the Grand Tournament!” Nathan repeated excitedly. “Wow! I’ve gotten an invitation!”

Page patted Nathan on the back. “Well, congratulations! You must have done very well with your magecraft.”

“So what do I do with the box?” Nathan asked.

“Whatever the invitation says.”

Nathan opened up the envelope, and a riddle was written on it.

You’ve been offered the chance to obtain the great magic.
Return your invitation, or the loss will be tragic.
To open this box, use the strings’ power,
Each of these strings will burn in an hour.
To open the box and answer the call,
Forty-five minutes must burn it all.
No more and no less can you burn the string;
The hourglass timer at the end will ring.
And if you have burned it in the right time,
The box will open and give you your next rhyme.


Nathan read the riddle again, and a third time, then looked at the lid of the box. So once he lit the string, he had to burn it all in exactly forty-five minutes. But there was no way to tell if the strings were the same material, or would burn at the same rate. He only knew that they would each burn in one hour. So how to time forty-five minutes?

“How can I do it, master?” He asked Page.

“I don’t know. Sounds like you have your work cut out for you.”

“Oh, come on! You’re a mentor! Aren’t you supposed to help me become a mage?” Nathan pleaded.

“I tell you what; you can be relieved from your duties tomorrow to think about that riddle. That’s as much help as I can give you,” Page offered.

Nathan groaned, but nodded. “Okay, master. I will think on the riddle tomorrow.”

“That’s my boy.” Page patted Nathan on the back. “Now, do me a favor, and take this bag of coins down to market and get some more vials for my elixirs.”

Nathan groaned again. “Well, I guess I still have to finish tonight’s duties.”

Nathan took the bag of coins and exited the small house he shared with his master. As he walked along the dirt road, with other houses spaced evenly along one side, he waved to several of the passersby. Nathan knew just about everyone in town. He waved to the other magi mentors, and other apprentices on evening duties. They all waved back to him, all the way to the large cluster of market stalls that ringed the small clearing in the middle of the mountain valley. Multiple roads led from it in all directions, lined with houses where magi and their apprentices and other families lived.

Nathan walked up to the apothecary’s stand, he knew exactly where it was, and he paid the doctor for some elixir vials. "Thank you, Garret," he told the man working the stand.

Garret, the local apothecary handed him his package with his signature smile, nod and snap, in that order. "Always glad to oblige, Nathan my boy," he said jovially. "How's your training coming along?"

"It's coming well. Master Page has been moving up in my teaching lately," Nathan told him, taking the package as it was handed over the counter.

"Well, I hope he taught you well, because the tournament is coming around soon!" Garret picked up a glass dish to polish it.

"I'm aware. I got an invitation in the mail today, and Master Page is going to let me open it later tonight!" Nathan said excitedly, clutching the package tighter.

"Well why are you standing around here? Get back to your house and get the invitation figured out!" Garret encouraged him. He waved Nathan off as the apprentice turned and walked back along the path to his house.

He was jogging along the path, when he saw some people ahead. But he slowed to a walk when he saw what was happening. A girl was behind held up by an assailant; a young man who looked a few years older than her. He was grabbing her shoulder with one hand, and rubbing her side with the other. As Nathan stepped closer, he saw her eyelids fluttering nervously, and her lips quivering in fear. He evidently wasn't a friend to her, which meant he wasn't a friend to Nathan.

“Relax, sweetheart. Everything’s going to be alright,” the man was saying with mock serenity. He ripped the shoulder of her robe, exposing bare skin and touched her shoulder. She gasped and tried to squirm out of his grip, but he tightened his hands and dug in his fingernails, making her let out a pained yelp.

“Hey!” Nathan shouted, throwing a ball of water at the attacker. He set down his parcel and crossed his arms, stretching up to his full height.

He turned around to face the young apprentice. “Well, looks like we have a little Good Samaritan,” he said. “You looking for trouble?”

Nathan raised an eyebrow. “No, I’m just looking to clean some up. That’s no way to treat a young lady. So how about you leave her alone, she’s obviously not that into you.”

Angrily, the man threw a fireball at Nathan’s face. He casually blew it out with a wind, and cast his own back at the man. It bounced off of his hand as he thrust it out, and Nathan cast multiple bolts of fire and ice at the assailant. He dispelled several, but got singed and frosted by several as well. He eventually decided it wasn’t worth it, and fled.

The girl, who had been keeping her distance, ran over to Nathan and hugged him. “Thank you, thank you so much!” Her voice was wavering, on the verge of tears.

“No problem," Nathan said, patting her on the shoulder gently. "It’s part of a mage’s duty to always be helpful to others.” He stood still until she let go. "Just who was that anyway?"

The girl took out her wand and repaired the tear in her robe with a quick bit of magic, and brushed her long brown hair from its frayed state. Once she'd straightened herself out, she actually looked quite attractive. "Just another highwayman, looking for vulnerable victims," she said.

"Well, I'm sorry that you had to go through that," Nathan said. "Keep yourself protected, this wouldn't be the first mugging on this road."

The girl picked up her bag, which she had dropped when she was attacked. "My name is Celia," she said, bowing her head.

Nathan returned the traditional greeting and bowed his head as well. "I'm Nathan. Glad I could be of assistance to you." He picked up his package and turned to leave, but he felt a grip on his forearm.

"Wait!" Celia called, immediately retracting her arm, as if she felt she'd been too forceful. "Um, could you maybe . . . walk with me to my house? Just in case that robber comes back?" Her eyes widened, and her hands moved together hopefully. Nathan had to admit, she looked cute in her plea, so he turned back to her.

"Well, it could be dangerous. Okay, I'll walk with you." He smiled as she gave a cheerful "eep," then recomposed herself, and led the way down the path.

"Well, it sure is strange circumstances we met in," Nathan said with a chuckle as they walked.

"Indeed it is," Celia agreed. "Your magic was quite impressive, you must be an advanced apprentice."

Nathan shrugged modestly. "I am a student, if anything."

Celia smiled, amused by his humble opinion of himself. "Are you going to be competing in the tournament?"

"If I can return my invitation in time." Nathan took out his wand and wiped it off before returning it to his robe.

"I'm competing too. My invitation hasn't arrived yet though. Oh, that's a nice wand by the way!" Celia took out her wand as well to show him. It was made of oak heartwood, dyed a creamy white. Nathan run his finger along it, and it felt smooth, as if it could never even come close to splintering.

"That's a nice artifact, that wand," Nathan praised.

"Thank you!" Celia returned her wand to an inner fold of her robe. "Yours looks very nice as well."

They walked for a few minutes more before coming to a house Celia stopped at. "Thank you again for your help!" She said, offering her hand to shake.

Nathan shook her hand and started to turn. "It was very nice meeting you, but I really have been out later than I should. Bye!" Nathan returned her cheerful wave and jogged back towards his own house.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nathan didn’t fall asleep until very late that night. He was thinking for a long time about the riddle the box had given him. He had to burn all of the string in 45 minutes. All he knew about these strings was that if he lit them, they would burn in one hour each.

In the morning, he woke up early again. He decided to leave the box alone and head down to the market for a while. He left a note for Page, took his wand and exited the house.

There were a few other apprentices at the market, even this early, and some waved hello to Nathan as he walked by. Nathan walked beyond the market to the ruins of an old house farther down the road. He was going to practice his magic.

In the middle of the rotting walls and nonexistent ceiling, Nathan conjured up a light ball in his hands. He floated it around his body, slow, then faster, then practiced bouncing it off of multiple surfaces. He dispelled it, then practiced his fire tricks. He juggled fireballs, drew flame pictures in the air with his wand, and threw fireballs around the house like miniature stars.

After enough fire spells, he moved on to water spells. He conjured three water balls and cast them around in the air. They danced around him, and around the rocks and plants in the ruins of the house. He turned them into ice balls, then back into water balls on the fly. He tried for advanced transfiguration, and turned the water into fire, and back into water. It took massive amounts of concentration and willpower, but he managed.

He had moved on to practicing spells with earth and air, and had been at it for several minutes, when he felt a small ball of water hit him in the back. He turned around to see Celia standing behind him, a mischievous grin on her face. Nathan grinned back, and they began a magic duel.

Nathan favored fire, while Celia favored water. They cast orbs and bolts at each other relentlessly, and each held their own against the other’s onslaught.

After several more minutes, Celia conjured a water ball, turned it into ice, shattered it, and cast the shards at Nathan. He thrust his hands out and turned them back into water, gathering them back into a ball in his own hands. He smiled and cast the ball to Celia again, swiping his hand through it to cause a splash. Celia kept it all under control, and gathered it back into a ball again. Nathan took advantage of the opening, and turned the ball into a ball of earth. Celia cast it to him, and she turned it into fire. Nathan cast it back and turned it into ice. Celia turned it back into water, and cast it over the grass growing from the cracks in the old house floor.

Nathan smiled. “Wow, you’re very good!” He praised her.

“Thank you. You are as well!”

Nathan conjured up his light ball again, and floated it around Celia’s head. She smiled and tried to touch it as it danced around her. Nathan tossed it into the air and it flared brightly.

“That is a very interesting trick,” Celia said.

“Thank you.”

“I have a special trick too.” Celia looked down at her shadow, waved her fingers over it, and it lifted off the ground and came to life. It walked circles around Nathan, hugged him, then walked back to Celia and fell flat again.

“Well, that is very impressive!” Nathan complemented.

“Thank you very much! I have been perfecting it for several weeks now.”

“So, have you made any progress on your invitation?” Nathan asked.

Celia sighed. “No, I’ve been puzzling over it for hours.”

“What’s your riddle?”

“You’re not supposed to talk about your riddle with other apprentices,” she reminded him “But I really could use some help. Neither my mother or my mentor will help me.”

“My mentor isn’t helping either. He gave me the day off to think about it, but other than that, nothing,” Nathan added.

“Well, I just wanted to come find you and thank you formally for all your help last night.”

Nathan nodded to her. “It would be wrong not to help a fellow apprentice in need.”

Celia smiled. “Well, um, if you’re interested, I told my mother about how you helped me, and she was very impressed by the story. She’d like to see you and thank you herself, if that’s okay.”

Nathan thought for a moment. He had the day off, and he was sure that his master wouldn’t object to good etiquette. “Of course. Just show me the way.”

Celia led him back up the road to the market plaza, and along another road leading from it. After a few minutes of walking, they came to a house, slightly larger than Nathan’s, with fragrant smoke rising from the chimney on the side. Celia knocked on the door, and it was answered by a woman who Nathan took to be her mother. Celia resembled her mother quite apparently, and it was easy to see where her beauty had come from.

“Mother, this is Nathan, the boy I was telling you about.” Celia said, gesturing towards Nathan.

“Good morning, and pleased to meet you.” Nathan bowed his head respectfully.

“I have heard some interesting things about you, Nathan,” the woman said, bowing her head as well. “Please, come in.”

Nathan followed them into a small sitting room, where several chairs were arranged around a small table. A yellow, orange, and blue bird, a keetong, was perched in a cage hanging from the ceiling.

Celia and Nathan took seats, while Celia’s mother brought them each a clay mug of warm tea.

“Thank you for your hospitality,” Nathan said, sipping from his mug.

“I owe my hospitality to one who has done such service for my daughter. I am Dahlia Farren by the way.”

Nathan nodded to her and looked around the room. A large wooden fire circle hung above them in the center of the room. It had not yet been lit. “I see you have a new fire circle here,” he observed.

“Yes, we do. Would you mind lighting it for us? I hear you are very good with fire.”

Nathan conjured a small fireball and tossed it onto the wooden ring. Soon, a small flame was moving along it in both directions. Nathan conjured another fireball to light the opposite end, but Dahlia stopped him.

“No, no, that will do, thank you,” she said politely.

Nathan dispelled his fireball. “Fire circles are usually lit at both ends. Why do you prefer not to?”

“The wood emits a pleasant fragrance when it burns. If you light the circle at both ends, it burns away twice as fast.”

Nathan looked up at the circle again. It made sense to light only one end; otherwise, you’d be burning both ends against the middle.

Burning both ends against the middle . . .

Nathan’s eyes opened wide. It all made sense, everything his box’s riddle had told him. He knew exactly how he was going to open his box.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After some light conversation with Celia and her mother, Nathan thanked them, left, and took off at a run to his own house. He was eager to solve the riddle.

As he entered, his mentor was awake, and brewing elixirs on his medicine table. “Good morning, Nathaniel.” Page said. He always addressed Nathan by his full name in the morning.

“Good morning, master,” Nathan said.

“Where were you so early in the morning?” Page asked without turning around.

“I went to the old house to practice my magic, and I visited a friend who I helped out yesterday. Her mother wanted to give me a personal thanks.”

Page chuckled. “Well now, aren’t you just a regular gentleman? What’s her name, son?”

“Celia Farren. Her mother is Dahlia Farren.”

Page dropped the vial he was holding, and it shattered. “Dahlia Farren is here in our town?” He asked again as if he hadn’t heard right.

“Yes, why? Is she someone I should beware of?” Nathan asked defensively.

“Not beware of, boy, be respectful of!” Page used a cloth rag to wipe up the spilled liquid he had dropped. “Dahlia Farren is the Archmage on the Grand High Mage Council.”

Nathan’s jaw dropped. “Th-the Archmage?” He stuttered. “On the Grand High Mage Council?”

“Yes. She is one of the most powerful magi in all the world. And it sounds like you have pleased her by aiding her daughter.”

Nathan took a seat. “Well, this must be one of the unexpected gifts the world has given me!” He said with gusto.

Page smiled. “Now, where have I heard that before?”

“A very wise mage told it to me.” Nathan joked.

“Ha ha, that’s my boy. Now go have fun, enjoy your day off,” Page dismissed him.

Nathan nodded to his mentor and dashed to his room to take a look at the box. He visualized the strings, both the same lengths, and the same visual appearance. But it didn’t matter. Nathan knew exactly how to time 45 minutes with both of them. He took his wand, struck it on his forearm, and used the flame to light one end of one string, and both ends of the other. Then he put the box on his desk and waited . . .

Once the double-burning string was all the way burned, Nathan knew that the other string had 30 minutes left. He lit the other end of that string, and continued to wait . . .

The hourglass finished timing, and a small chime was sounded from it. In the same instant, all of the last string was gone. The lid of the box broke its latch, and it creaked open ever so slightly. Nathan slowly lifted the lid, and a bright light filled his eyes, temporarily blinding him.

When Nathan’s eyes had adjusted again, he found himself looking up at a giant piece of wood falling down. He put up his hands for cover, but it clacked as it landed on top of four wooden walls and rested there. Everything around him was immediately cast in shadow. The walls were lined with torches, so he could see fine, but he had no idea what was happening or where he'd gone. His heart sped up to several beats every moment as he turned in nervous circles, trying to figure out where he had gone. He dropped to his knees, exasperated and flooded over with worry.

"Oh my lord, oh my lord, this can't be happening!" He shouted to himself, his voice sounding more fearful and shaky than it ever had before.

What would Page think when he couldn't find Nathan? How could he figure out where he was and how to get back? What would become of his invitation? He'd burned all the string in the time he needed, and the box had opened! In a moment, the earthquake of his realization locked in his mind. He was inside his box!
Last edited by HIGHWHITESOCKS on Fri Dec 31, 2010 4:49 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Wed Dec 29, 2010 1:51 am
Torigirl15 says...



I really liked this writing, but the beginning was very confusing. i couldn't understand who was who, and what half the things they were talking about meant, so maybe try to clarify things a little before you jump into your story. PM me though if you write more!
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Wed Dec 29, 2010 2:06 am
HIGHWHITESOCKS says...



The prologue is supposed to be a little vague, because it's just a peek into the world. but everything becomes clear over the course of the first couple chapters. I'll definitely let you know when I post the next chapter. Thanks for the helpful words!
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Thu Dec 30, 2010 10:06 pm
AllyGrLxOX says...



Aloha, AllyGrLxOx here for a review as requested! :D
Since this is a very lengthy piece I'm not going to be too nitpicky!
I'll start by saying that I simply love the world you've created, it's very intrgiuing and well thought out.

I am going to nitpick some elements of your prologue, for I think it needs to be stronger.

“That is the last of the invitations prepared,”

To me that sentence doesn't flow, I'd play around with the wording to try and tweak it.

to the mage prospects.

Change this to "prospecting mages."

You also have some bulky descriptions for your characters, such as one's like:
often considered the most attractive and alluring woman in the land, with her well kept hourglass figure, soft cream-colored skin, long black hair, captivating green eyes, and voice that could soothe even an angry trogg.

I'd recommend either shortening them or adding in some more vivid details.

“Well, it is good then, because our daughter will be competing as well,”

Comma abuse! Everyone abuses them so don't fret! I believe the correct coma usage would be "Well it is good then because our daughter will be competing as well,"

If you read that outloud to yourself it should sound better that way!

That's all of the annoying nitpicking that I'm going to do for now! :P

exactly 45 minutes

Typically in writing numbers such as 45 are spelled out.

She was clearly fearful, for she didn’t use any magic to defend herself.

Clearly fearful? Please, let's give those readers fear that blows them away and get's them so hooked into your novel that they're begging you for more! In other words: draw out her fear! Describe it some more! :D

she’s obviously not that into you

Oh goodness that did indeed make me laugh! :)

he was inside his box!

I find this to be a weak ending! Perhaphs you could spice it up some more?

Overall I would work on making your characters more three-dimensional and emotional!
I really enjoyed this! I think that it has tons of potential for a wonderful plot and can't wait to find out what happens next!


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Fri Dec 31, 2010 4:39 am
HIGHWHITESOCKS says...



Ally -

I'm glad you found some redeeming qualities in this chapter, haha! I'm glad I managed to make someone laugh with my lame "not that into you" joke :D Anyway, I appreciate your sentiment of putting more emotion into the characters, and I am trying, but if it's not too much, I'd also like to know which characters need more emotion, and where and what kind. That'd be could if you could give me details when you post! But I'm glad to have you as a reviewer!

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Fri Dec 31, 2010 6:15 am
psudiname says...



so first let me say that in the same way I imbued my main charecter with my personality back in my earlier story, so is nathan an incarnation of you. anyway, I thought you did a good job with character development for nathen, but not so much for other people. I know you didn't really focus on them, so it was kind of hard to do, but make sure you develop each of the important ones a little more. also, in the prologue, I had to slow down and read carefully because I was overloaded with new characters. you don't necessarily need to change this, just make sure you explain who each of the important ones are in more detail when you get to later chapters.
as far as I saw, grammer and spelling was good, but as for fluidity, I found your quotes to be a little formal. If that's what you were going for, with the whole midieval thing, than disregard what I just said, but if not, read over what you just wrote out loud and see if it sounds normal to check it. oh by the way, I totally noticed your fallout 3 reference so don't think that went completely unnoticed. keep writing and being active with YWS,
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Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:51 pm
HIGHWHITESOCKS says...



The characters in the prologue become more developed as the story goes on, so they will become more developed. And the dialogue is supposed to be a little formal, since this is a more Renaissance-esquire world. Also, what exactly was the fallout 3 reference? I'm not sure what I did

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Points: 1104
Reviews: 12
Tue May 03, 2011 11:26 pm
synismysyn3 says...



hey i really liked it ! I'm not usually big on the whole Magi and Mage thing stories, but you drew me in. The beginning was confusing as heck, but over time it got a likttle better as I read it (: keep working on this, hun. I'll definetely read more (:




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739 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 32546
Reviews: 739
Wed May 25, 2011 9:02 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Prologue
The Grand High Mage Council

“Alright, all of the invitations are prepared and ready to be sent,” Archmage Farren declared, as she finished imbuing the last stone tablet. It had been hard to see, as the only light in the small round meeting chamber came from torches on the walls. She handed the tablet to High Apothecary Corin so that the medicine woman could begin to send them out to the apprentice magi.

“Good, good,” High Inscriptionist Whitestone said. “All has been prepared well. The tournament approaches us fast, and before the week is out, we will have our 4,000 spell out all numbers; four thousand apprentice magi.”

“Let us not forget, there may be more,” Corrected Archmage Farren. “There are 7,000 invitations.”

“Never more than 4,000 have ever returned,” High Enchanter Laux said with pity. The man shook his head. “It will be no different this year.” He adjusted the waist tie on his orange velvet robe and stroked his brown goatee.

“A thousand and seven hundred days is a long time in the grand scheme,” High Inscriptionist Whitestone reminded him. He ran a hand through his hair, which was graying over, even though he was not quite very old. “We may have more contenders this year, since the last tournament.” So far this is a lot of characters to keep track of.
Archmage Farren nodded. “I believe my daughter will be in this tournament.” The young woman parted her brown hair and proudly observed the painting of her daughter hanging on the wall of the council room. The child shared her beauty and love for magic.

“My son will be competing as well,” High Enchanter Laux threw in, not to be outdone.

“Well, I hope the rest of his group don’t doesn’t mind cynics,” High Apothecary Corin said. The others laughed.

The final two members of the Grand High Mage Council entered the room and took their seats at the long table. One was High Sorceress Diana; often considered the most attractive and alluring woman in the land, with her well kept hourglass figure, cream-colored skin so soft it shamed rabbit fur, hair falling down her back like a black curtain, and voice that could soothe the bite out of an angry trogg.

The other was High Shaman Elisum; a handsome young man, incredibly strong-figured and knowledgeable. He was an expert in every field he practiced. His light brown hair shined like crystal in the torchlight, as he kept it so clean. He was also the lover of High Sorceress Diana.

“Well it is good then because our daughter will be competing as well,” High Shaman Elisum stated in his powerful speaking voice.

“And she has promise in both of our magical fields,” High Sorceress Diana added.

“This promises to be an interesting tournament indeed,” High Apothecary Corin observed. “With so much talent just from our children, I can only imagine what the world’s apprentices will bring.” The medicine woman, slightly older than Archmage Farren, withdrew a bowl and passel from within her robe. She began to mix together some herbs from a hanging basket in the council room.

“So, all of the invitations have been sent?” High Inscriptionist Whitestone asked again.

“Yes, all 7,000,” High Apothecary Corin confirmed. “The Lord High Archmage will be pleased.”

“Indeed. He has been especially anxious for the tournament this cycle,” High Sorceress Diana said.

“Well, then let us hope he is not disappointed,” High Enchanter Laux said with finality. The bird in its cage on the wall of the council room chirped. It was time for the High Magi to return to their homes.

“Well, we must be going. Good luck to all of your children,” High Inscriptionist Whitestone said, nodding his head to Farren, Laux, and Diana and Elisum. “Let us all rest well tonight, and hopefully begin to see returned invitations on the ‘morrow.”

I have a few questions about this scene. I kind of understand what’s going on; it seems like all of these important people are gathered to discuss some kind of tournament that will take place, probably some kind of test or game competing children (some of them their own). But what was the point of them gathering? They never discussed anything. The characters just kind of bragged a little bit about their kids and then up and left. What was the point of the meeting?

The next thing I have to say is about your characters. They are really hard to keep track of x) The names and titles were very confusing, and you gave us a bunch of them at once. There was the Lord High Archmage and High Sorceress and High Inscriptionist whatserface. Why so many Highs? It would be much simpler if you just referred to them as Diana and Laux and Corin. It just felt like you were trying too much to make it come across that these people were important.

Besides that, the whole tournament idea really has me snagged :D
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Chapter One
Nathaniel

Nathaniel Abram locked his eyes on the three lanterns hanging from the bare tree. He backed up a few steps, bumping against the wall of his small house, and stepped forward again. He took a stance and wiped away sweat dripping into his eyes from the short bangs of his wild, but somehow neat brown the hair How can his hair be wild AND neat? I get what you‘re trying to do, but still. They are pretty much opposites . When he’d taken another deep breath, he held his hands close together, and began casting.

First, he conjured a fireball between his hands. With one hand, he cast it at one of the lanterns. It flew through the air and lit a fire in the iron cage. He then conjured two fireballs, one in each hand, and cast them at the other two lanterns. They lit as well.

“Perfect,” Nathan said.

Next, he put his hands together and conjured a ball of water. He cast it at one of the lanterns, putting it out. Then he cast another water ball, threw it into the air, and cast a bolt of icy wind at it. It froze instantly, and he caught it as it fell. With a wave of his hand, he liquefied it again, and it drained into the ground.

“Very deftly handled, Nathan,” said a voice from behind him.

Nathan turned around to see his mentor standing behind him. His bush of a beard was combed I‘m wondering what color hair, or what texture. , and his blue robe was freshly washed. He nodded approvingly at his young apprentice.

“Thank you, master Page,” Nathan said, bowing his head.

“Now how about we see some work with your wand?”

“Of course.” Nathan took his ebony-colored wand from within his robe. He held it by the thick wooden grip and pointed it at the remaining two lanterns. With a swish and a flicker this reminds me too much of the ‘swish and flick‘ from the Harry Potter movies, a jet of wind came out of the wand’s tip, blowing out both of the fires. He then swiped the tip against his arm, lighting it like a match. He put the flame up to his mouth, inhaled deeply, then looked straight up, and blew a stream of fire out of his mouth. A few puffs of breath produced small fireballs. He then took a cup of water from a bench against the wall of the house, threw the water into the air, and using his wand, formed it into and ice ball. As it fell, he put up his wand, and as the ball made contact with the tip, it shattered into thousands of tiny flakes of ice.

Page nodded. “Very nice form, Nathan. Well done,” he commended, patting his charge on the back. “I especially like what you did with the ice ball at the end. Very flashy, and very good with your wand.”

Nathan sighed. “I was meaning to turn it back into water.”

“Well, sometimes the world gives us unexpected gifts. We should be thankful for them when they are given.” Page advised.

Nathan smiled and nodded. “Of course, master.”

“Now come inside, it’s time for supper,” Page ordered. He and Nathan walked inside the small kitchen of the house and moved over to the iron stove-box, where a pot of vegetable stew was cooking over the fire. Page stirred it a few revolutions with a large spoon, then waved out the fire with his hand and blew a wind into the pot to cool it.

AfterNathan had filled two clay bowls with stew, and they as they sat down at the small wooden table to eat, there was a knock at the door. Page answered the door, and saw a young mail runner with a package.

“I have a package for Nathan Abram and his mentor,” the boy said.

“I am the mentor.” Page confirmed. He took the bundle, tipped the boy a silver coin, and closed the door.

“Oh, what is it?” Nathan asked eagerly.

“We’ll find out after dinner and evening spell readings,” Page said, setting the box on a high shelf.

“Aw, why can’t I open it now?”

“This is a test in patience. It’s an important life skill.” Page returned to his seat and chuckled to himself as Nathan ate his stew more hastily.

After dinner, and the evening spell readings, Nathan was practically jumping out of his robe to see what the package was.

Page gave him the bundle, and he eagerly unwrapped it. Within the paper was a large wooden box. On the lid of the box, two pieces of strings, laid next to each other, were ingrained in a stone tablet, with a small hourglass below them. The box came with a small envelope, which Nathan read the front of.

An Invitation to the Grand Tournament of Magi
For Nathaniel Abram, apprenticed to Simon Page
Must be returned in seven days, or will be voided

“Oh my lord! An invitation to the Grand Tournament!” Nathan repeated excitedly. “Wow! I’ve gotten an invitation!”

Page patted Nathan on the back. “Well, congratulations! You must have done very well with your magecraft.”

“So what do I do with the box?” Nathan asked.

“Whatever the invitation says.”

Nathan opened up the envelope, and a riddle was written on it.

You’ve been offered the chance to obtain the great magic.
Return your invitation, or the loss will be tragic.
To open this box, use the strings’ power,
Each of these strings will burn in an hour.
To open the box and answer the call,
Forty-five minutes must burn it all.
No more and no less can you burn the string;
The hourglass timer at the end will ring.
And if you have burned it in the right time,
The box will open and give you your next rhyme.

Nathan read the riddle again, and a third time, then looked at the lid of the box. So once he lit the string, he had to burn it all in exactly forty-five minutes. But there was no way to tell if the strings were the same material, or would burn at the same rate. He only knew that they would each burn in one hour. So how to time forty-five minutes?

“How can I do it, master?” He asked Page.

“I don’t know. Sounds like you have your work cut out for you.”

“Oh, come on! You’re a mentor! Aren’t you supposed to help me become a mage?” Nathan pleaded.

“I tell you what; you can be relieved from your duties tomorrow to think about that riddle. That’s as much help as I can give you,” Page offered.

Nathan groaned, but nodded. “Okay, master. I will think on the riddle tomorrow.”

“That’s my boy.” Page patted Nathan on the back. “Now, do me a favor, and take this bag of coins down to market and get some more vials for my elixirs.”

Nathan groaned again. “Well, I guess I still have to finish tonight’s duties.”

Nathan took the bag of coins and exited the small house he shared with his master. As he walked along the dirt road, with other houses spaced evenly along one side, he waved to several of the passersby. Nathan knew just about everyone in town. He waved to the other magi mentors, and other apprentices on evening duties. They all waved back to him, all the way to the large cluster of market stalls that ringed the small clearing in the middle of the mountain valley. Multiple roads led from it in all directions, lined with houses where magi and their apprentices and other families lived.

Nathan walked up to the apothecary’s stand, he knew exactly where it was, and he paid the doctor for some elixir vials. "Thank you, Garret," he told the man working the stand.

Garret, the local apothecary comma handed him his package with his signature smile, nod and snap, in that order. "Always glad to oblige, Nathan my boy," he said jovially. "How's your training coming along?"

"It's coming well. Master Page has been moving up in my teaching lately," Nathan told him, taking the package as it was handed over the counter.

"Well, I hope he taught you well, because the tournament is coming around soon!" Garret picked up a glass dish to polish it.

"I'm aware. I got an invitation in the mail today, and Master Page is going to let me open it later tonight!" Nathan said excitedly, clutching the package tighter.

"Well why are you standing around here? Get back to your house and get the invitation figured out!" Garret encouraged him. He waved Nathan off as the apprentice turned and walked back along the path to his house.

He was jogging along the path, when he saw some people ahead. But he slowed to a walk when he saw what was happening. A girl was behind held up by an assailant; a young man who looked a few years older than her. He was grabbing her shoulder with one hand, and rubbing her side with the other. As Nathan stepped closer, he saw her eyelids fluttering nervously, and her lips quivering in fear. He evidently wasn't a friend to her, which meant he wasn't a friend to Nathan.

“Relax, sweetheart. Everything’s going to be alright,” the man was saying with mock serenity. He ripped the shoulder of her robe, exposing bare skin and touched her shoulder. She gasped and tried to squirm out of his grip, but he tightened his hands and dug in his fingernails, making her let out a pained yelp.

“Hey!” Nathan shouted, throwing a ball of water at the attacker. He set down his parcel and crossed his arms, stretching up to his full height.

He turned around to face the young apprentice. “Well, looks like we have a little Good Samaritan,” he said. “You looking for trouble?”

Nathan raised an eyebrow. “No, I’m just looking to clean some up. That’s no way to treat a young lady. So how about you leave her alone, she’s obviously not that into you.” This situation is really cliché. The typical damsel in distress, with the heroic male character dropping everything to stand up and save her. Even the dialogue sounds a bit unoriginal in my opinion.Angrily, the man threw a fireball at Nathan’s face Eh, this seems a bit drastic. The man gets told to knock it off by this kid, and immediately he resorts to chucking a fireball at his face. . He casually blew it out with a wind, and cast his own back at the man. It bounced off of his hand as he thrust it out, and Nathan cast multiple bolts of fire and ice at the assailant. He dispelled several, but got singed and frosted by several as well. He eventually decided it wasn’t worth it, and fled.

The girl, who had been keeping her distance, ran over to Nathan and hugged him. “Thank you, thank you so much!” Her voice was wavering, on the verge of tears.

“No problem," Nathan said, patting her on the shoulder gently. "It’s part of a mage’s duty to always be helpful to others.” He stood still until she let go. "Just who was that anyway?"

The girl took out her wand and repaired the tear in her robe with a quick bit of magic, and brushed her long brown hair from its frayed state. Once she'd straightened herself out, she actually looked quite attractive This doesn‘t seem realistic, either. So the girl was just nearly assaulted by this guy, and as soon as she pats her hair down a bit, Nathan decides, hey, she‘s actually pretty hot. It‘s just a little weird in my opinion. . "Just another highwayman, looking for vulnerable victims," she said.

"Well, I'm sorry that you had to go through that," Nathan said. "Keep yourself protected, this wouldn't be the first mugging on this road."

The girl picked up her bag, which she had dropped when she was attacked. "My name is Celia," she said, bowing her head.

Nathan returned the traditional greeting and bowed his head as well. "I'm Nathan. Glad I could be of assistance to you." He picked up his package and turned to leave, but he felt a grip on his forearm.

"Wait!" Celia called, immediately retracting her arm, as if she felt she'd been too forceful. "Um, could you maybe . . . walk with me to my house? Just in case that robber comes back?" Her eyes widened, and her hands moved together hopefully. Nathan had to admit, she looked cute in her plea, so he turned back to her. She’s scared, I wouldn’t exactly call that cute. You don’t just see a girl getting attacked, and when she’s still on edge, asking you to escort her home, you don’t go ‘awww’. "Well, it could be dangerous. Okay, I'll walk with you." He smiled as she gave a cheerful "eep," then recomposed herself, and led the way down the path.

"Well, it sure is strange circumstances we met in should be ‘Well, this sure is a strange circumstance we met in," Nathan said with a chuckle as they walked.

"Indeed it is," Celia agreed. "Your magic was quite impressive, you must be an advanced apprentice."

Nathan shrugged modestly. "I am a student, if anything."

Celia smiled, amused by his humble opinion of himself. "Are you going to be competing in the tournament?"

"If I can return my invitation in time." Nathan took out his wand and wiped it off before returning it to his robe. Why? What did he wipe off?"I'm competing too. My invitation hasn't arrived yet comma though. Oh, that's a nice wand by the way!" Celia took out her wand as well to show him. It was made of oak heartwood, dyed a creamy white. Nathan run ran (the story is in past tense) his finger along it, and it felt smooth, as if it could never even come close to splintering.

"That's a nice artifact, that wand," Nathan praised.

"Thank you!" Celia returned her wand to an inner fold of her robe. "Yours looks very nice as well."

They walked for a few minutes more before coming to a house Celia stopped at. "Thank you again for your help!" She said, offering her hand to shake.Could you quickly describe the house? It might help give us some more insight on her character. I mean, was it pretty much an average house, or did it have a nice fence and flowers around it, or maybe the house was in bad condition with a busted up door or something. Nathan shook her hand and started to turn. "It was very nice meeting you, but I really have been out later than I should. Bye!" Nathan returned her cheerful wave and jogged back towards his own house. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nathan didn’t fall asleep until very late that night. He was thinking for a long time about the riddle the box had given him. He had to burn all of the string in 45 minutes. All he knew about these strings was that if he lit them, they would burn in one hour each.

In the morning, he woke up early again. He decided to leave the box alone and head down to the market for a while. He left a note for Page, took his wand comma and exited the house.

There were a few other apprentices at the market, even this early, and some waved hello to Nathan as he walked by. Nathan walked beyond the market to the ruins of an old house farther down the road. He was going to practice his magic.

In the middle of the rotting walls and nonexistent ceiling, Nathan conjured up a light ball in his hands. He floated it around his body, slow, then faster, then practiced bouncing it off of multiple surfaces. He dispelled it, then practiced his fire tricks. He juggled fireballs, drew flame pictures in the air with his wand, and threw fireballs around the house like miniature stars.

After enough fire spells, he moved on to water spells. He conjured three water balls and cast them around in the air. They danced around him, and around the rocks and plants in the ruins of the house. He turned them into ice balls, then back into water balls on the fly. He tried for advanced transfiguration, and turned the water into fire, and back into water. It took massive amounts of concentration and willpower, but he managed. You’re describing his whole practice session in a very ’telly’ kind of way. You tell us that he conjured balls of fire and water, you tell us that he made them fly around him, you tell us that it took a lot of concentration to transform the water into fire, but you don’t actually show us any of this. I’m wondering what went through his mind as he concentrated so hard. Was he imagining balls of fire, and then waving his wand and making it so? Even though it’s magic, I’d like to know a little more about the mechanics of it.
Also, you simply tell us that it took massive amounts of concentration to do this. A statement like this has little effect on readers. Instead, show us through description. Explain how he was beginning to sweat or that his wand hand was trembling or that he was closing his eyes in concentration. We’ll be able to picture the scene a whole lot better, and it’ll make it more personal.

He had moved on to practicing spells with earth and air, and had been at it for several minutes, no comma when he felt a small ball of water hit him in the back. He turned around to see Celia standing behind him, a mischievous grin on her face. Nathan grinned back, and they began a magic duel. You mean they didn’t greet each other first? I’d get it if it was his best friend who did this, but he only met this girl last night.
Nathan favored fire, while Celia favored water. They cast orbs and bolts at each other relentlessly, and each held their own against the other’s onslaught.

After several more minutes, Celia conjured a water ball, turned it into ice, shattered it, and cast the shards at Nathan. He thrust his hands out and turned them back into water, gathering them back into a ball in his own hands. He smiled and cast the ball to Celia again, swiping his hand through it to cause a splash. Celia kept it all under control, and gathered it back into a ball again. Nathan took advantage of the opening, and turned the ball into a ball of earth. Celia cast it to him, and she turned it into fire. Nathan cast it back and turned it into ice. Celia turned it back into water, and cast it over the grass growing from the cracks in the old house floor.

Nathan smiled. “Wow, you’re very good!” He praised her. It seems a little contradicting that they were both able to transform the ball of magic as much as they did. You told us what massive amounts of concentration it took to do it, and neither of them are even breathless after this workout.
“Thank you. You are as well!”

Nathan conjured up his light ball again, and floated it around Celia’s head. She smiled and tried to touch it as it danced around her. Nathan tossed it into the air and it flared brightly.

“That is a very interesting trick,” Celia said.

“Thank you.”

“I have a special trick too.” Celia looked down at her shadow, waved her fingers over it, and it lifted off the ground and came to life. It walked circles around Nathan, hugged him, then walked back to Celia and fell flat again.

“Well, that is very impressive!” Nathan complemented. should be compliment.
“Thank you very much! I have been perfecting it for several weeks now.”

“So, have you made any progress on your invitation?” Nathan asked.

Celia sighed. “No, I’ve been puzzling over it for hours.”

“What’s your riddle?”

“You’re not supposed to talk about your riddle with other apprentices,” she reminded him “But I really could use some help. Neither my mother or my mentor will help me.”

“My mentor isn’t helping either. He gave me the day off to think about it, but other than that, nothing,” Nathan added.

“Well, I just wanted to come find you and thank you formally for all your help last night.”

Nathan nodded to her. “It would be wrong not to help a fellow apprentice in need.”

Celia smiled. “Well, um, if you’re interested, I told my mother about how you helped me, and she was very impressed by the story. She’d like to see you and thank you herself, if that’s okay.”

Nathan thought for a moment. He had the day off, and he was sure that his master wouldn’t object to good etiquette. “Of course. Just show me the way.”

Celia led him back up the road to the market plaza, and along another road leading from it. After a few minutes of walking, they came to a house, slightly larger than Nathan’s, with fragrant smoke what do you mean by fragrant? That it smelled good? Chimney smoke smells pretty bad, actually. rising from the chimney on the side. Celia knocked on the door, and it was answered by a woman who Nathan took to be her mother. Now why would she knock on the door of her own house? Think about it, have you ever once had to knock on your house door to be let in? Unless it was locked, I suppose. Celia resembled her mother instead of stating that she resembled her mother, explain how she resembled her mother. Did she have the same eyes? Hair? Height? Personality? quite apparently, and it was easy to see where her beauty had come from.

“Mother, this is Nathan, the boy I was telling you about.” Celia said, gesturing towards Nathan.

“Good morning, and pleased to meet you.” Nathan bowed his head respectfully.

“I have heard some interesting things about you, Nathan,” the woman said, bowing her head as well. “Please, come in.”

Nathan followed them into a small sitting room, where several chairs were arranged around a small table you repeat ‘small‘ in this sentence. Time to bring out the thesaurus x) . A yellow, orange, and blue bird, a keetong, was perched in a cage hanging from the ceiling.

Celia and Nathan took seats, while Celia’s mother brought them each a clay mug of warm tea.

“Thank you for your hospitality,” Nathan said, sipping from his mug.

“I owe my hospitality to one who has done such service for my daughter. I am Dahlia Farren by the way.”

Nathan nodded to her and looked around the room. A large wooden fire circle hung above them in the center of the room. It had not yet been lit. “I see you have a new fire circle here,” he observed.

“Yes, we do. Would you mind lighting it for us? I hear you are very good with fire.”

Nathan conjured a small fireball and tossed it onto the wooden ring. Soon, a small flame was moving along it in both directions. Nathan conjured another fireball to light the opposite end, but Dahlia stopped him.

“No, no, that will do, thank you,” she said politely.

Nathan dispelled his fireball. “Fire circles are usually lit at both ends. Why do you prefer not to?”

“The wood emits a pleasant fragrance when it burns. If you light the circle at both ends, it burns away twice as fast.”

Nathan looked up at the circle again. It made sense to light only one end; otherwise, you’d be burning both ends against the middle.

Burning both ends against the middle . . .

Nathan’s eyes opened wide. It all made sense, everything his box’s riddle had told him. He knew exactly how he was going to open his box.

Alright, so I don’t really get how this works. What does it mean to burn both ends against the middle?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After some light conversation with Celia and her mother, Nathan thanked them, left, and took off at a run to his own house. He was eager to solve the riddle.

As he entered, his mentor was awake, and brewing elixirs on his medicine table. “Good morning, Nathaniel.” Page said. He always addressed Nathan by his full name in the morning.

“Good morning, master,” Nathan said.

“Where were you so early in the morning?” Page asked without turning around.

“I went to the old house to practice my magic, and I visited a friend who I helped out yesterday. Her mother wanted to give me a personal thanks.”

Page chuckled. “Well now, aren’t you just a regular gentleman? What’s her name, son?”

“Celia Farren. Her mother is Dahlia Farren.”

Page dropped the vial he was holding, and it shattered. “Dahlia Farren is here in our town?” He asked again as if he hadn’t heard right.

“Yes, why? Is she someone I should beware of?” Nathan asked defensively.

“Not beware of, boy, be respectful of!” Page used a cloth rag to wipe up the spilled liquid he had dropped. “Dahlia Farren is the Archmage on the Grand High Mage Council.”

Nathan’s jaw dropped. “Th-the Archmage?” He stuttered. “On the Grand High Mage Council?” It’s a little hard to believe that no one knew that someone this famous has been living in their town.
“Yes. She is one of the most powerful magi in all the world. And it sounds like you have pleased her by aiding her daughter.”

Nathan took a seat. “Well, this must be one of the unexpected gifts the world has given me!” He said with gusto.

Page smiled. “Now, where have I heard that before?”

“A very wise mage told it to me.” Nathan joked.

“Ha ha, that’s my boy. Now go have fun, enjoy your day off,” Page dismissed him.

Nathan nodded to his mentor and dashed to his room to take a look at the box. He visualized the strings, both the same lengths, and the same visual appearance. But it didn’t matter. Nathan knew exactly how to time 45 minutes with both of them. He took his wand, struck it on his forearm, and used the flame to light one end of one string, and both ends of the other. Then he put the box on his desk and waited . . .

Once the double-burning string was all the way burned, Nathan knew that the other string had 30 minutes left. He lit the other end of that string, and continued to wait . . .

The hourglass finished timing, and a small chime was sounded from it. In the same instant, all of the last string was gone. The lid of the box broke its latch, and it creaked open ever so slightly. Nathan slowly lifted the lid, and a bright light filled his eyes, temporarily blinding him.

When Nathan’s eyes had adjusted again, he found himself looking up at a giant piece of wood falling down. He put up his hands for cover, but it clacked as it landed on top of four wooden walls and rested there. Everything around him was immediately cast in shadow. The walls were lined with torches, so he could see fine, but he had no idea what was happening or where he'd gone. His heart sped up to several beats every moment as he turned in nervous circles, trying to figure out where he had gone. He dropped to his knees, exasperated and flooded over with worry.

"Oh my lord, oh my lord, this can't be happening!" He shouted to himself, his voice sounding more fearful and shaky than it ever had before.

What would Page think when he couldn't find Nathan? How could he figure out where he was and how to get back? What would become of his invitation? He'd burned all the string in the time he needed, and the box had opened! In a moment, the earthquake of his realization locked in his mind. He was inside his box!

Overall, I love the story! You did a great job of creating characters and storyline. Everything felt like it was planned and fit together well. Also, you had plenty of excitement throughout and a great cliffhanger to keep the audience on edge. So awesome job!

There are a few areas that you should work on, though, if you really want to amp this up. Description, mostly. I’m having a hard time picturing your world, or the people in it. I don’t know if this is more of a middle-age setting, or an otherworldly type, or what. I don’t know about the kind of clothes they wear, or the kinds of food they eat. Basically, I feel like I need a sense of culture. If you could find a few places here and there to slow down and give us a few features of your world, that would be just awesome.

I like your characters, I really do! But the way you portray them seems a bit bland. They should come to life when they speak and act. To me, they all seemed extremely polite, saying what anyone would expect them to say. Nothing to me really stood out. This is still the first chapter, of course, but you should aim to hook us with their introductions.

Also, I think it would really help you if you’d break out the thesaurus every once in a while. There were a lot of simple words that I thought could be replaced with more interesting ones. I’m not saying that you should try to be all sophisticated, but every now and then it’s nice to be surprised by some good vocab.

After reading the other reviews, I think it’s pretty anonymous that the beginning was too confusing, mainly because you overloaded us with characters. I don’t have a good suggestion for fixing that, because you say it sets something up later, so I don’t know what parts are needed and which ones could be left out. Anyways, just keep it in mind for editing.

Ally’s review was very good, and I agree with everything she said, save for a few things. I liked the cliffhanger of being stuck in a box, and I thought the line about ‘she’s not that into you’ was pretty cliché. It feels like I’ve heard it a lot before.

Well, that’s chapter one! I’ll be reading on in this story. If you have any questions at all, just ask! :D
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk







I’ll marry the finest banana in the galaxy for you.
— Atticus