Insidious Eyes

Burn me with your sea green eyes,
Entice me with your sinful lies.
I'll beg you 'till I realize
The shit you've done to me.

Come with me now, take my hand.
I'll love you like no one can.
Up my thigh, your fingers ran;
Just kill me with your touch.

Tease me, bite me, hurt me badly
While you can, but I know sadly...
When I'm dead, you'll wish you had me
Lying next to you.

Tear me, rip me, shred my skin,
Go until your very end.
When you're done, I'll start again.
I'll bring you down with me.

Strip me down with no composure,
Wreck my body 'till it's over.
Look around, how all our love
Was drained and lost in sin.

This poem didn't really work for me. It seemed to get so lost in its own misery that it forgot to say anything. This section particularly confused me:

I'll beg you 'till I realize
The shit you've done to me.

Come with me now, take my hand.
I'll love you like no one can.

One line the target is a terrible person and the next line the narrator is asking to hold hands and being all lovey-dovey. It creates a very awkward break in the feeling of the poem and really threw me off.
I also suggest trying to approach this from more angles than just the "you're a terrible human being" one you have here. For example, you could talk about why the narrator stays with this person even though he/she is so awful. Or you could contrast the good moments in the relationship with the bad. Any change of perspective would greatly improve this poem.
I also think you should try writing this without the rhyme scheme and see if it frees you up at all. In this draft you aren't really consistent in your rhyming, so if you'd like to keep the rhyme scheme you should try to tighten it up and make it consistent across the entire piece.

The poem didnt flow very well and after you rhymed one thing you ended the stanza with something that didnt rhyme at all. I do like this poem, someone hurt a girl and haha she's pissed off bad. I like the emotion that speaks to the readers, overall it's a good poem but you should correct some stuff. And I dont like the word "shit" in there. (: haha keep writing(:!

Hey, Nic!
Pink here.

Seems like the use of of the word 'shit' kind of made me lift a brow. It was flowing nicely and deeply until that, it made it swing low. I have nothing against using little cusses but remember, they are dirty words and they could either make your piece or break it. Another think I noticed was that your rhyme scheme was off, the first three lines would flow but the second one just cut the steady rhyme and it was quite awkward to read.

Now, thinking about the poem itself I wasn't sure in what context you mean when you explained that their love was a sin. I want to know why? Firstly, in the beginning it sounded like this person was angry but then towards the end you mentioned 'both' of them looking back at the sin they created and I was left a little confused. It'd be nice if it was explained a bit more, unless I'm missing something. Also, you mentioned in the second third stanza something about dying and it was just like, what? What does dying having anything to do with what is going on?

Anyway, it was a good poem, not exactly sure what the main point of it was besides something to do with making love and sins. If you take some time to polish this up and make your lines consistent with good flow and some understanding of the main cause and effect, then I think you'll have something better.
Good job, nonetheless.

Keep writing,
-Shear

Yeah I kind of figured that I'd be the only one to really get this poem.

Basically it was supposed to be about a love that was dangerous for the narrator, but they were so infatuated with the person that they couldn't get themself out of it. About the "dying" part, I meant that the love was killing the narrator slowly, by way of heartbreak.

Yeah, I realized that "shit" threw it off, but I wrote this poem out of my own emotions, and I guess I was angry at the time
? I'm not sure if I want to change it or not, because for me, it portrays the raw emotions that I was feeling at the time.

As far as rhyme scheme, I really do hate rhyming poems, but I can never seem to write a poem that doesn't rhyme that actually satisfies me. This one didn't necessarily satisfy me, but as I said, my emotions had overtaken me.

Sorry you guys didn't like it, but maybe I'll be able to post something better soon. (: Thanks for the reviews!

Hello there Since you are relatively new, welcome to YWS

I really liked the poem...the first three stanzas that is. I could feel a lot of emotion and the consistent rhythm was a bonus. I could not help but feel though that even though there was emotion, the whole thing was a cliché. Cliché in terms of just throwing words fancily in a poem which don't really mean anything to the poet and they don't really portray anything to the reader. Which is why some people would have a hard time getting it. This is totally my opinion though, I'm not speaking for any one.
Good job though and keep writing