The Bourreau and the Waltz Dancer - Ch. 2 - P. 2

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After many fail attempt of uploading this from Ted's internet, I finally got it! HAH! Take that TED!!! >8D
I'm going back to past tense, screw this! :o


The Bourreau and the Waltz Dancer

Chapter 2: The Waltz Dancer – Part 2


Ah! She must be—
The fascinating crowd overwhelmed my silent thought as they cheered. She bowed to the nobles once more as the king resumed his speech: “Our second guest prefers that her name not be mention, however, she is called ‘The Waltz Dancer’.”
The crowd clapped as I stared at her—dumbstruck. My eyes followed her every movement as she walked away from the center. The motions of her hands reminded me of one of my execution rounds. He did the same thing she was doing right now. I don't remember much; I saw the man touching the wooden rails of the stairs as he walked up, though it looked ridiculous with his hands tied behind his back. The man told me that he was—don't tell me she’s!
“No, that can’t be right,” I said and laughed to myself.
“Something’s wrong, Vincent?” Theodore asked me.
I shook my head, staring at the marble ground. I sighed and asked, “Why did you say that an executioner is an important role in France?”
He stared at me for a moment and replied, “Most people would deny being an executioner. It takes courage to do this in front of the selfish crowd.”
“Yeah, it does, but courage is not necessary.”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Most executioners I know only do it for pleasure. They would miss on purpose, use less force and slowly torture their victim to death. They are nothing but animals.”
Theodore grinned at me and left his post. I frowned to myself and muttered, “I, too, am an animal.”
My eyes resumed its job and followed the Waltz Dancer. She waved her head around, as if looking, and touched the nearest walls as she walked outside. I got off the wall and followed her. I walked out to the porch, making no sounds. The light shadowed me over her, she should noticed by now. She must be—I must know. To test it, I lifted up my foot and stomped the ground. Startled, she immediately turned around and moved her arms, trying to get a feel for something. I knew it.
“You’re blind aren’t you?”
Putting her hands down, she smiled a smile of realization. “Yes, you’re that man from the night before right?”
“I am; how did you notice?”
“Your voice is a lot deeper than others.”
She walked towards me and stopped as soon as her hands touched my chest. She then moved from my chest to my face, feeling it. As her hand touched my hair, she said, “You… your hair is like a sunflower isn’t it?”
I stared at her, awkwardly, “A sunflower?”
“Your hair reminds me of when I use to have my sights of sunflowers.”
When she still have her sights?
She kept on touching my hair as she hummed a song I never heard of. Though I should let her, I was getting annoyed. I grabbed her hand off of my hair but using her other hand, she touched mine. Groaning, I gave myself a smack to the head. Guess I couldn’t make her stopped after all.
“Your hand... it has killed before.”
Surprised, I released her hand as she touched the palm of mine.
“They say that when you kill someone, the blood makes your hand rougher.” Her face turned to a frown. “But your hand is a lot rougher than others, how many have you kill?”
Stuttering, I replied, “T-too much to s-say.”
She looked at me with her white eyes; it showed no sign of a pupil. Her blank expression showed the sign of a weary soul. The Waltz Dancer suddenly changed her mind and asked, “What is your name?”
“Vincent Laroche,” I answered her blankly.
She just grinned at me and grasped my hand, waving it back and forth. I stood there, feeling gauche, not knowing what to do. Then, the king's words suddenly popped into my head: “Our second guest prefers that her name not be mention.”
“If I may.” I politely said.
She nodded, giving me permission.
“Tu t'appelle comment?” my voice tweaked as if I dared ask something that should not be mention.
She shook her head in motion for the moment; it was as if she didn't even listen.
“Je m'appelle Jade.”
Jade... it seemed to fit her perfectly. Although I was not expecting that she would say her name so easily. Thinking on what to say next, I kept opening my mouth, trying to say something only to reject its words. By the time I finally came up on what to say, my instinct automatically departed my hands from hers as Theodore walked out to the porch.
“It funny to see our two special guests together, hm?” He said and winked at me. I growled at him for interrupting. He deviously smiled at me and said, “By the way, shouldn't you be going by now Vincent? It's already thirteen hours and twenty-six minutes.”
Why do I need to go—the warrant's meeting—shoot! I said my goodbyes and left the ball in a hurry.
The night began to grow cold and weary as I was at half point to the Executioner’s Den; I stopped and thought for a second.
I’ve never read the note from the Sandman yet.
I reached for the Sandman’s note from his mane and began to read it: Axelle Eade—if you are reading this, then I have already completed my mission. Do not be aware of the messenger I sent you, if he decided to take on his job, then his is a worthy ally. Now, I must warn you, do not hesitate. Continue the plan as usual, but be careful, the guards are more aware of my presence. Proceed with cautions.
What is this plan they’re talking about? I sighed and flipped over the back and continued reading it: To the man who is in possession of this note—when the clock strikes thirteen hours and twenty-six minutes, walk around town and you will see a single lighted window. Knock on the door and answer, “je suis la pour vous”—I am here for you. She will let you in.
I looked around and saw nothing but dark windows; I proceeded around town in searched for the single lighted window. The night got even colder; I even saw my own breath. I’ll never find this place. I groaned and stopped to catch my breaths. Delightful smells caught my senses as I sniffed around for it. I turned behind me and there it was the single lighted window. It wasn’t there before. I shrugged and advanced to the house. Knocking on the door gave a silent wait.
The door opened and out came a brown-hair woman; there was a stripe of red on her front bang. She glared at me waited for an answer.
I gulped and said loudly, “Je suis la—”
She gripped the collar of my suit and threw me inside her house.
“Shush you idiot, they might hear us.”

Chapter 2 - Part 1
Chapter 3

---

This is a non-exciting part of chapter 2 8D Woo!
It is call bangs? The front part of your hair.
Last edited by Roal on Sat Dec 25, 2010 1:26 am, edited 10 times in total.
14 years have passed
And yet I'm unabled
To find a friend
For my existence is lower
Than a piece of grass.




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Hey there, Roal. :)

I'm here to review as requested. I'm very glad you've posted the next part of this actually because I do rather like it, I must say. I was wondering when you'd post the next part! So yeah... On to the review!


My silent thought is overwhelmed by the fascinated crowd as they cheer. She bows to the nobles once more as the king resumes his speech: “Our second guest prefers that her name not be mentioned, however, she is called “The Waltz Dancer”.


The crowds claps as I stare at her——dumbstruck. My eyes follow her every movement as she walks away from the center. The motions of her hands reminded me of one of my execution rounds.


I don't remember much; I saw the man touching the wooden rails of the stairs as he walked up, though it look ridiculous with his hand tied behind his back.


“No, that can’t be right.” I say and laugh to myself.

“Something’s wrong, Vincent?” Theodore asks me.


I shake my head, staring at the marble ground. I sigh and ask, “Why did you say that an executioner is an important role in France?”


Theodore grins at me and leaves his post. I frown to myself and muttered, “I, too, am an animal.”


I tighten my fist, giving a tight grip on myself.

I'm not sure what you meant here... xD

My eyes resume to their job and follow the Waltz Dancer. She waves her head around, as if looking around, and touches the nearest walls as she walk outside.

With the around thing, you're actually repeating what you've previously said. You don't really need the second part of the sentence.

I get off the wall and follow her. I walk to the porch, making no sound. The light shadows me over her she should notice by now.

I've noticed you using walk a lot. I'd suggest varying your verbs a bit. :)

“You’re blind, aren’t you?”

Putting her hands down, she smiles a smile of realization. “Yes, you’re that man from the night before, right?”


“Your hair reminds me of when I use to have my sights of sunflowers.”

When she still have her sights?

This was a little hard to understand. I think I know what you were trying to say, but you could have said it a lot clearer.

She keeps on touching my hair as she hums a song I've never heard of. Though I shouldn't let her; I was getting annoyed. I grab her hand off of my hair but using her other hand, she touches mine. Groaning, I give myself a strike to the head.

The last sentence here struck me as odd. I imagines your MC punching himself in the head... xD

“They say that when you kill someone, the blood makes your hand rougher.” Her face turns to a frown yet sad feeling. “But your hand is a lot rougher than others. How many have you killed?”


She “looks” at me with her white eyes, but they show no sign of any pupils. Her blank expression shows the sign of a weary soul.


“Vincent Laroche,” I answered.


I stand there, feeling gauche, not knowing what to say or do. Then, the king's word suddenly pops into my head: “Our second guest prefers that her name not be mentioned.”


“If I may,” I politely said.

She nods, giving me permission.

Tu t'appelle comment?” my voice tweaks as if I'd dared to ask something that should not be mentioned.

I know what that means! :D :lol:

She shakes her head from side to side for the moment; it's as if she didn't even listen.


Though I did not think that she tell me her name that easily. Though I don't think she'd tell me her name so easily.


Thinking on what to say next, I keep on opening my mouth, trying to say something only to reject its words. By the time I finally come up on with what to say, my instinct automatically departs my hands from hers as Theodore walk out to the porch.


“It funny to see our two special guests together, hm?” he says and winks at me. I growl at him for interrupting. He deviously smiles at me and says, “By the way, shouldn't you be going by now, Vincent? It's already 13h 26.

I don't really like numbers in writing. I'd rather you say the time than write it in numbers. :)

I say my goodbyes and leave the ball in a hurry.


On the Halfway to the Executioner's Den, I stop and look at the single lighted window.


I reach for the Sandman's note from his mane and begin to read it: “Axelle Eade—if you are reading this, then I have already completed my mission. Do not be aware of the messenger I sent you; if he decided to take on this job, then he is a worthy ally. Now, I must warn you, do not hesitate. Continue the plan as usual, but be careful, the guards are more aware of our presence. Proceed with cautions.”


I sighed, flip over to the back and read it: “To the man who is in possession of this paper—When the clock strikes 13h 10, walk around town and you will find a single lighted window. Knock on the door and answer, "je suis la pour vous"—I am here for you. She will let you in.”


It opens and out comes a brown-hair woman; there's a stripe of red on her front bang. She glares at me and waits for an answer.


I gulped and say loudly, “Je suis la—”


She grabs the neck of my suit and throws me inside her house.



Overall


As a whole, I very much liked this actually, Roal. What I think I love the best is the originality of this story so far. If there's one thing that I'm really not keen on in a piece of writing, it's clichés. Thankfully, your story is far from cliché and unoriginal. I really like your MC as well, by the way. He's rather quirky actually, and is entertaining to read about. Something that I've noticed as your chapters and parts have gone on, your grammar has improved gradually. Compared to the first part I read of this, the grammar and punctuation in this part is quite a bit better, so well done for that. Although your phrasing is still a little awkward sometimes, that has also improved. Any awkward phrasing that I did find, I pointed out for you though.

My only real critique for this piece is that, at times, some parts can seem a little bit rushed. I haven't noticed this at all within the previous chapters and parts, so maybe you were in a rush or something when writing this part. What I basically want you to do is slow the pace down sometimes. Let me find an example... Okay, take when Vincent is reading the letter he finds. It kind of felt like, one second, he was reading the letter, and the next, he was suddenly at the house. What happened on his journey to the house? Was it cold outside? Did he get the feeling that he was being followed at any point? Was he anxious to find out why he needed to go to the house? Do you see what I'm getting at? Another example of this was when Vincent found the dancer outside. One second, he was inside, the next he was out. ;)

Other than that, I don't think there's anything else that I have to critique. The only small issue I found was that the discussion between your MC and the dancer. It was just that, at some points, it felt a little awkward. That's not much of a problem though, so I wouldn't think much of that. Don't stress about it right now. Just take what advice you'll get into account and edit this with that help. I can certainly see this ending up as a wonderfully written piece of writing. Sorry I haven't been much help here, Roal. Just keep up the good work, I suppose!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Hey, Roal! Thanks for requesting me, I'm here! =)

Nitpicks/Comments

My silent thought is overwhelm by the fascinated crowd as they cheer.

This part should be overwhelmed. I know, it's past tense but that's the way it works. I'm not great at explaining this, since I'm not a very good English teacher of a sort. But here's a site that goes through the perfect tenses and all. You can look this over to get a better view of the verbs and how they are used in situations.
EnglishPage
My eyes follow her every movement as she walk away from the center

Should be *walks away.
Her face turns to a frown yet sad feeling. “But your hand is a lot rougher than others, how many have you kill?”

*killed
He deviously smiles at me and said, “By the way, shouldn't you be going by now Vincent? It's already 13h 26”

Missed a period at the end.
It is call bangs? The front part of your hair.

Yes, haha.

Overall


I think I liked this chapter best out of all them, actually. I felt like this one really got some plot rolling. I suppose you were still setting up a main setting the previous chapters but you did a wonderful job inserting some mystery in here along with some funny moments. I like your character, Jade. She's very interesting and I like how her main flaw is her blindness. Makes me wonder what happened to her and what kind of tie she's going to have in the story. In that small amount of time, you've really developed her character. I can tell she's sweet and quite deep, actually, mostly regarding the part where she spoke about his hands having killed before and blood making hands rougher. That actually makes me question this, is that a true fact? or is it some type of myth or does it mean something other than what is implied?

My main critique here would be work on your present tense. The wording is off but hopefully that link I gave you helps you some if not any. I know writing in present tense is hard and from what I know, are you french? So, is English your second language? I can speak a tad bit of Francais, mais je parle c'est tres mal. D: (I don't even think that's right. lol) Anyway, if you still have trouble writing present, you can always try past and see if it works out better for you. I know that present tense can be quite tricky to work with, even for me. =)

As this chapter, I'm actually glad it was a tad shorter. I have a horrible attention span so shorter chapters make me happy. Although...when I write, I write long chapters. That stinks. However, I liked the ending of this bit here. Very interesting and you've actually put in some cool mystery concerning the girl and the note. I wonder what kind of trouble he's going to get himself into. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.

-Shear
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Hey, Roal! Thanks for the review. I'm finally here, bored and doing reviews. Uh, I'll first cover nitpicks before I go on with an overall opinion. I'm not going to read the above reviewers 'cause I don't have much time, and so forgive me if I repeat stuffs, I know how annoying that is.

NITPICKS and COMMENTS:

Nitpicks
Pay Attention
Corrected Verb

>>
Ah! She must be——


Ah, 'bout that, why are there two dashes there? O_o that should be two hyphens. Anyway, I prefer these to be in italics. That way, first glimpse of the phrase, the reader knows it's in your MC's thoughts. :up:

>>

My eyes follow her every movement as she walks away from the center.


I saw the man touching the wooden rails of the stairs as he walked up, though it looked ridiculous with his hand tied behind his back.


“No, that can’t be right,” I say and laugh to myself.


Theodore grins at me and leaves his post.


She waves her head, as if looking, and touches the nearest walls as she walksoutside.


Though I should let her; I was getting annoyed.


This should be a comma. But then again, I cannot see any relationship with the clause with the following sentence. Just replace the it with a comma, I guess.

Stuttering, I reply, “T-too much to s-say.”


Replace hyphens with dashes.

She looks at me with her white eyes, but they show no sign of any pupils.


“By the way, shouldn't you be going by now Vincent? It's already 13h 26”


Refrain from using numerical characters unless it's a huge number. ;]

The night beginsto grow cold and weary as I am at half point to the Executioner's Den, I stop and think for a second.

I've never read the note from the Sandman yet

I reach for the Sandman's note from his mane and began to read it: “Axelle Eade—if you are reading this, then I have already completed my mission. Do not be aware of the messenger I sent you, if he decided to take on this job, then he is a worthy ally. Now, I must warn you, do not hesitate. Continue the plan as usual, but be careful, the guards are more aware of our presence. Proceed with cautions.”


I don't think you need those quotation marks. There was a colon anyway. Like this:

I sigh and flip over to the back and continue reading it: To the man who is in possession of this paper—When the clock strikes 13h 26, walk around town and you will find a single lighted window. Knock on the door and answer. "je suis la pour vous"—I am here for you. She will let you in.


OVERALL

First, let's look at your grammar. As far as it goes, I think you are quite confused with verb tenses. :lol: And ignorance of verb tenses could be a serious problem. But I don't think that could come up to you. I guess, you were just confused at some times. But this is Chapter three, I honestly thought you'd get the present tense going on by now. I really, really suggest you review verb tenses, eh, Roal? Please promise me that. We reviewers can't nitpick for you all your life.

I didn't mean to sound harsh, eh, Roal. I know you can do it! And I'm here to help, but I just wish you'd take some action for your own. =)) Aside from the verb tenses, this is actually really good. The punctuations were also fine, just a few nitpicks.

Second, I will now comment on your story! YAY! LOL Honestly, I am hooked! Yeah, you go, girl. I really, really like this. And, well, yeah, forget about what I said that it's predictable. So far, you made your promise of not making it predictable. Haha!

I'm starting to really, really like Vincent. Aww...would you describe him more in the chapters to come? LOL Jade reminds me of a stupid DC character--Cheshire, Jade Nguyne? LOL Anyway, I hate her. Never mind me. LOL As for your Jade, she reminds me of one of my short stories, which is once again irrelevant. Sorry 'bout that. Here is what I know about her: she's blind, and she's a good dancer, and she's what's the story about. RIGHT, ROAL?! That's why it's The Waltz Dancer. I was kind of disappointed not to see this in the romantic novels. Pathetic, I know. =P Whatever. The good thing is, I'm hooked. HAHA! This is something, I know, is different, plus things are making sense, so goodie for you. Gah, I'm starting to like it so much Roal. LOL

Just so you know, Roal, I'm happy that you're diligent enough to post on my WRFF thread every time you post another Chap. It's very nice to have someone remember me. LOL So, that's all for now. I'm starting to babble nonsense, which isn't good for my reviewing reputation. LOL As if I have one. So we'll see in the next chapter!

KEEP WRITING!!!

~ Jash ♥

P.S I almost forgot! You use dialogue tags a lot, which is something you should refrain from. MAking clear who is talking without using tags much is very challenging, but with practice, you could do it, I know. ;]
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Here I am again as requested! I am going to correct minor mistakes in the chapter itself and then give a general overview afterwards.

Spoiler
Chapter 2: The Waltz Dancer – Part 2

Ah! She must be— Perhaps italisize the thoughts of your character. May make it clearer. Not mandatory.

My silent thought is overwhelmed by the fascinated crowd as they cheer. She bows to the nobles once more as the king resumes his speech: “Our second guest prefers that her name not be mentioned, however, she is called “The Waltz Dancer”.

The crowd claps as I stare at her—dumbstruck. My eyes follow her every movement as she walks away from the center. The motions of her hands remind me of one of my execution rounds. He did the same thing she's doing right now. I don't remember much; I saw the man touching the wooden rails of the stairs as he walked walks? up, though it looks ridiculous with his hand tied behind his back. The man said that he was—don't tell me she’s!

“No, that can’t be right,” I say and laugh to myself.

“Is something wrong, Vincent?” Theodore asks me.

I shake my head, staring at the marble ground. I sigh and ask, “Why did you say that an executioner is an important role in France?”

He looks at me for a moment and reply, “Most people would deny being an executioner. It takes courage to do this in front of the selfish crowd.”

“Yeah, it does, but courage is not necessary.”

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“Most executioners I know only do it for pleasure. They would miss on purpose, use less force and slowly torture their victim to death. They are nothing but animals.”

Theodore grins at me and leaves his post. I frown to myself and muttered mutter, “I, too, am an animal.”

I tighten my fist as my eyes resume to their job and follow the Waltz Dancer. She waves her head, as if looking, and touches the nearest walls as she walks outside. Getting off the wall, I follow her. I walk to the porch, making no sound. The light shadows me over her, she should notice by now. She must be—I must know. To test it, I lift up my foot and stomp the ground. Startled, she immediately turns around and moves her arms, trying to get a feel for something. I knew it.

“You’re blind, aren’t you?”

Putting her hands down, she smiles a smile of realization. “Yes, you’re that man from the night before right?”

“I am; how did you notice?”

“Your voice is a lot deeper than others.”

She walks towards me and stops as soon as her hand touches my chest. She then moves from my chest to my face, feeling it. As her hand touches my hair, she asks, “You… your hair is like a sunflower isn’t it?”

I stare at her, awkwardly, “A sunflower?”

“Your hair reminds me of when I used to have my sights awkward wording of sunflowers.”

When she still have had her sights?

She keeps on touching my hair as she hum a song I've never heard of. Though I should let her; I was getting annoyed. I grab her hand off of my hair but using her other hand, she touches mine. Groaning, I give myself a smack to the head. I guess I can't get her to stop after all.

“Your hand... it has killed before.”

Surprised, I release her hand as she touches the palm of mine.

“They say that when you kill someone, the blood makes your hand rougher.” Her face turns to a frown. “But your hand is a lot rougher than others. How many have you killed?”

Stuttering, I reply, “T—too much to s—say.”

She looks at me with her white eyes, but they show no sign of any pupils. Her blank expression shows the sign of a weary soul. The Waltz Dancer quickly changes her mind and asks, “What is your name?”

“Vincent Laroche,” I answered answer.

She just grins at me and grabs my hand, waving it back and forth. I stand there, feeling gauche, not knowing what to say or do. Then, the king's word suddenly pops into my head: “Our second guest prefers that her name not be mentioned.”

“If I may,” I politely said.

She nods, giving me permission.

“Tu t'appelle comment?” my voice tweaks as if I'd dare to ask something that should not be mentioned.

She shakes her head from side to side for the moment; it's as if she didn't even listen.

“Je m'appelle Jade.”

Jade... it seems to fit her perfectly. Though I don't think she'd tell me her name so easily. Thinking on what to say next, I keep on opening my mouth, trying to say something only to reject its words. By the time I finally come up on with what to say, my instinct automatically departs my hands from hers as Theodore walk out to the porch.

“It funny to see our two special guests together, hm?” he says and winks at me. I growl at him for interrupting. He deviously smiles at me and says, “By the way, shouldn't you be going by now Vincent? It's already thirteen hours and eleven-fifteen minutes.”

Why do I need to go—the warrant's meeting—shoot! I say my goodbyes and leave the ball in a hurry.

The night begins to grow cold and weary as I am at half point to the Executioner's Den, I stop and think for a second.

I've never read the note from the Sandman yet.

I reach for the Sandman's note from his mane and began to read it: Axelle Eade—if you are reading this, then I have already completed my mission. Do not be aware of the messenger I sent you, if he decided to take on this job, then he is a worthy ally. Now, I must warn you, do not hesitate. Continue the plan as usual, but be careful, the guards are more aware of our presence. Proceed with cautions.

What is this plan they're talking about? I sigh and flip over to the back and continue reading it: To the man who is in possession of this paper—When the clock strikes thirteen hours and twenty-six minutes, walk around town and you will find a single lighted window. Knock on the door and answer, "je suis la pour vous"—I am here for you. She will let you in.

I look around and see nothing but dark windows, I precede around town in search for the single lighted window. The night got even colder; I can even see my own breath. I'll never find this place. I groan and stop to catch my breathes breath. A delightful smell catches my senses as I sniff around for it. I turn behind me and there it is, the single lighted window. It wasn't there before. I shrug and advance to the house. Knocking on the door comes a silent wait.

The door opens and out comes out a brown-hair woman, there's a stripe of red on her front bang. She glares at me and waits for an answer.

I gulp and say loudly, “Je suis la—”

She grabs the neck of my suit and throws me inside her house.

“Hush you idiot, they might hear us.”


Let me start out by saying that I am loving this story so far! It is very interesting and makes me want to keep on reading which is always a good thing. :D

There were some minor spelling and tense errors here and there, so I should just say to keep a lookout for them. Especially since you are using present tense, which I find is the hardest to use consistently.

Now, the reason you are using French in some parts and not in others needs to be clarified. I realize that it is set in a French speaking community, but the characters mainly speak in English (which is fine) but when it switches between the two, the reader will get confused.

Other than that, keep up the good work and I can't wait to see more from you! :D
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