Young Writers Society

Okay, so i was really bored in class, so i just started writing. I thought to put it on here to see what people think.

He struck another blow, only to be blocked again by his opponent. He recoiled and brought his blade back, putting it in a ready position, pointing towards his opponent. Then, he felt something hot running down his arm from his shoulder. He didn't even have to look to know what it was... Blood.. The man grabbed the hilt of his sword tighter, readying himself for another attack. No longer was his armor the metallic blue which it had once been famous for, now it was stained crimson red with blood. The man looked at his opponent, he wore no armor, only a black cloak that seemed like it didn't belong to this world. He readied himself, knowing his opponents speed he would have to be ready in a flash. He blinked, and before he knew it, he felt something rip through his shoulder, tugging and finally retreating. He howled in pain and dropped to his knees. Looking at the ground, he saw a river of his own blood trickling past him, toward his opponent's feet. He looked up as he heard a sword creak as it was lifted. The opponent brought his sword up high, in an executional position above the man. Then the cloaked opponent said, "Now, you can join your friends in Hell." The last thing the man saw was the agony of his own face in the reflection of the sword....

That was pretty interesting.
So he dies at the end? Right?

Although it was interesting, it seemed pretty rushed. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't pay attention in class (You totally should) but maybe you should add some emotion.

But, for written in class, definitely one of the better pieces I've read.
Write On
~WickedWonder

Hey, for a piece written in class, it's very good. I do like battle scenes (: they're exciting. However, it was rather rushed. You could try building on it ... you could even make it into a story.
Just a couple of things ... Firstly, in the third sentence, you don't need a comma after the word 'then'.
Also: 'He readied himself, knowing his opponents speed he would have to be ready in a flash ...' I think the sentence is a little poorly constructed here. Obviously, you don't have to listen to me, but I think you should separate it into two sentences. 'He readied himself (either a full stop or a colon here) K/knowing his opponent's speed (note the added apostrophe) he would have to be ready in a flash.'
Apart from that, it is generally very, very good. I enjoyed reading it: it wasn't long, and it wasn't boring. That's always a good thing (;
Keep writing, and God bless,
Ignis

Hey there Jalmoc! I'm WD, and it's lovely to meet you. Interesting little battle scene you have here, and it's not half-bad, especially for someone written off the top of your head in class. I'm interested to see what you will do with this--whether you will try to make more of it or just leave it as a little something you wrote a while ago.

Whether you revise or not, though, this is a great opportunity to learn more about battle scenes.

So, I think I'll just take this piece by piece, pointing out a few things that I hope will help you.

He struck another blow, only to be blocked again by his opponent. He recoiled and brought his blade back, putting it in a ready position, pointing towards his opponent.

Part in red is awkward--does he put in ready position and then point it? Is the pointing the ready position? Also, beware the repetition of opponent.

Then, he felt something hot running down his arm from his shoulder. He didn't even have to look to know what it was... Blood.. The man grabbed the hilt of his sword tighter, readying himself for another attack. No longer was his armor the metallic blue which it had once been famous for, now it was stained crimson red with blood.

I feel like the two sentences concerning the blood could be condensed to make something more powerful; right now they are just two statements of fact and apart from each other they don't have as much power as they could if they were together. Also, his metallie blue armor is famous? I know we don't have much background with this, but, why is he famous for his armor? Is the main character famous? Good opportunity to bring some character in.

The man looked at his opponent, he wore no armor, only a black cloak that seemed like it didn't belong to this world. He readied himself, knowing his opponents speed he would have to be ready in a flash. He blinked, and before he knew it, he felt something rip through his shoulder, tugging and finally retreating. He howled in pain and dropped to his knees. Looking at the ground, he saw a river of his own blood trickling past him, toward his opponent's feet.

No armor? Yowch! Also, how does it seem like he does not belong to this world? Telling us that means very little! And how does he know his opponent will be ready in a flash? Also a moment to expand if this turns into something more. Finally, 'howled in pain'? The word 'howl' has always really bothered me, but really?

He looked up as he heard a sword creak as it was lifted. The opponent brought his sword up high, in an executional position above the man. Then the cloaked opponent said, "Now, you can join your friends in Hell." The last thing the man saw was the agony of his own face in the reflection of the sword....

Very nice ending! The reflection is also another opportunity to bring character into this. All in all, this is a nice stand-alone, but I'd love to see more character if you have a good idea of who the character behind this is. There are lots of opportunities here for characterization, and, while this is a free-write right now, if it were to turn into something more, those character opportunities should be taken advantage of.

As always, I'd suggest reading this aloud to yourself--the rhythm of sentences isn't really there yet, but I think that can come after the character starts being fleshed out if you do choose to revise this. In any case, interesting and nice free-write! Keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Wow. That was pretty intense. It would have to be the best "I was bored in class" work I have ever seen. I would continue to work on this and make it into at least a short story. One thing, in most stories I read I can feel the charectors emotions, thoughts, and I cringe when the person gets hurt. In this story I just didn't feel the magic, in other words I didn't feel part of the story. If that is what your going for, good!
-StrideDragorn

I agree with the rushed and slightly emotionless feel, but it was definately well-done even with that.

He didn't even have to look to know what it was... Blood..

Only one period after blood, of course.

One thought did occur to me- perhaps instead of refering to him as 'the man', you could use something a little more descriptive, like 'the warrior' or 'the knight' or whatever. It'd be a good way to add a little to his character very simply. Just an idea. Other than that, I'd definately encourage you to continue with this- add details, personality anc character, maybe fill us in on a possible history behind this battle... your possibilities are endless!
Good luck!

Hullo there, Jalmoc! Thanks for requesting again!

He recoiled and brought his blade back, putting it in a ready position, pointing towards his opponent.

You use opponent too much in this short story. Perhaps you should use "duellist" or something of that sort.

Then, he felt something hot running down his arm from his shoulder. He didn't even have to look to know what it was... Blood..

Expand this. I really want to know how the blood affected the man.

Which brings me to another point: who is he, exactly? The only thing I have against this is that I don't know who the heck he is. Without knowing who our MC is, you certainly cannot expect us readers to care for the poor fallen stranger. If that was your intention, then I salute you --- you have done a brilliant job.

No longer was his armor the metallic blue which it had once been famous for, now it was stained crimson red with blood.

Maybe it's just me, but I really want to know the history behind it. Expand this as well.

The last thing the man saw was the agony of his own face in the reflection of the sword....

Great ending.

So, if I were you, I would definitely expand this. It's a pretty good first draft, and who knows how marvellous it would be if you just edit and expanded it a bit.

Keep up the good work, and keep writing. PM me if you have any questions.

-iceprincess =]

Really, really rushed. Emotion and detail could spread that out to the lenght of say... a page. You never know. I like how their not really named. Their just... there. Yeah, detail, emotion, and maybe just add stuff to the story.

Dude,
I have no words to describe it. How long are your class periods? 30-50 minutes probably.
If you could build of it and make it into a novel, I would buy it.

Thanks Kyle, i appreciate that. haha. my class periods are actually an hour and ten minutes

I actually really liked this. All I do in class is doodle, so this seems rather amazing to me. Because the other reviewers did really good job on the text itself there's not really a lot for me to add. Yet I say well done with this and keep writing.

P.S. Happy Birthday in two days.

Hey there! I'm Jash and here as requested!

NITPICKS in pink.

He didn't even have to look to know what it was: blood.

Umm...that was it. LOL

Okay, first I'll have to tell you that your story telling is spectacular; but this isn't a short story. O_o It lacks short story fundamentals, e.g. plot. So I really couldn't review this right.

Anyway, keep writing! =)

~ JAsh ♥