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Take A Chance- 1



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Sat Sep 04, 2010 4:13 pm
theotherone says...



Chapter One

My alarm went off, disturbing the silence that was surrounding me. I got up slowly, stretching every muscle in my body. I got dressed without a hesitation, having already chosen what I would be wearing for today. Everything was done fast and neatly, the routine imprinted in my bones. Mornings weren’t my best moments. I hated them, to be frank. From the moment you had to turn off the annoying beep of your alarm, to shaking off the sleep that was still clinging to you. I wished I could still be in bed, dreaming peacefully. I was sure it's safe to say that every teenager felt the same way. But I had to go to school.

Going down the stairs and heading to the kitchen to take my breakfast, my thoughts were still on my warm bed. A loaf of bread and the peanut butter jar were already on the table, waiting for me. Thanks mom, I thought. She knew what I liked, and remembered to leave them in plain view every morning. When my breakfast was finally ready, I sat at the table and started to pour myself a glass of orange juice when my brother entered the room and took it from my hands.

“Hey!” I protested. I knew that I was the one going to clean up after him. Even though he was a year older than me, I was more responsible than him.

“Thanks, Alicia,” he said in an exaggerated tone of gratitude. I eyed him for a few seconds before going back to my breakfast.

Benjamin Weller was the kind of guy that was considered handsome. Brown hair, always stylishly messy, big blue eyes, tall, muscular, tanned, he was the fantasy of practically every girl at our school. Right now, he was only in his plaid pajama pants.

I ate my breakfast rapidly and then got to my room. I had to apply makeup and brush my teeth. Every day it was the same thing. I was hurrying up so I could be ready when Liam showed up and my brother was sleeping up to the last moment. Guys tended to do that, always be at the last minute. And sometimes I was sure it was especially to get on my nerves.
Someone knocked at the door, interrupting me and my thoughts. I hurried to the door and opened it. Liam was standing before me, smiling. My heart was pounding in my chest, making me a little light headed.

He passed me and dropped his backpack on the couch, and then sat in a chair. He knew the routine pretty well too. I got upstairs again, leaving him alone. Ben shouldn’t be long, and besides, Liam had come so many times to stay at our place that he probably didn’t mind being alone for a few minutes.


***

I sighed heavily, looking at my reflection in my mirror. Why didn’t I inherited the clear blue eyes of my mother? I’m sure that with those eyes, nobody would resist me, including Liam. Ben had those eyes and every single girl at school was drooling over him. And the girls that were indifferent to him were falling for his best friend, Liam Rowley. Liam… he was something else entirely. Ben was a typical guy, he wanted to have fun and didn’t care who would be hurt in the process, the act he was putting on when people where around him, but his best friend… He wasn’t like that. He was caring, fun, sweet and handsome… I could go on for hours, I thought and laughed at myself. I was such a girl sometimes. Listen to me! Obviously, all guys were the same, and the little bit I had seen of my brother at school, just reinforced that fact.

But I didn’t like Liam for his good looks. I didn’t like him like the other girls at school. Even though I couldn’t resist those big green eyes, I liked him because I knew him.

When we were just little kids, he had once been my best friend. Me, Ben and Liam were inseparable. But the difference in age between us quickly separated us. One year. What would one year do? But trust me, it did something. When the boys left for Intermediate School, I was left alone at the Elementary School. I quickly made other friends, but I preferred, by far, the company of Liam and my brother. The years went by and they didn’t want to hang with me anymore. Now, Liam barely said "hi" to me.

“Alicia!” The voice of my brother resonated through the walls. I picked up my bag and came down the stairs two at a time. I locked the door and ran to Ben’s car. They were already there, laughing at some joke I didn’t hear. They started to talk, but I quickly understood that it wasn’t something that I wanted to hear, so I fetched my Ipod from my bag and put on the ear buds. I cranked up the volume to drown their voices. It wasn’t for the reasons you're thinking. I didn’t mind them talking, it was their subject that I disliked. Sometimes they even talked about how some girls were hot… And I’m not really into girls, if you know what I mean.

The way to the school was short, and my brother was now navigating through the school parking lot. When he finally set his mind on one spot and parked, I opened my door and walked fast to the front door. I found my locker and did my combination without looking. It’s been five years that I’ve had this lock and I knew the numbers by heart. I placed my things on the shelves and picked one of my binders. Chemistry. The only class I didn’t have any friends to keep me company. Great. At that moment a hand came over my eyes, covering them completely. I knew exactly who it was.

“Adam”, he always did that trick on me since seventh grade when he discovered it.

“Why do you always know it’s me?” He asked, taking his hand away from my face and chuckling almost inaudibly.

“Well, you’re the only one that does that thing…” I said while I turned to him. I was joining his laughter when I turned around and saw that Liam was right beside me. He pointed at his locker, which was just beside mine.

“Oh, sorry…” I said, feeling my face go hot. I took a step forward, and he slipped between me and the lockers.

“We'd better go…” I said to Adam.

“Yeah, sure. Lead the way,” he replied, spreading out his arm. I smiled at him, and guided him to my science class. He left me when the bell was about to ring, everybody else had already been installed at their tables and there was only one place left. The place was just in front of the class. Great, I was sure going to enjoy this day.

*****

The bell ringed, announcing the end of the class. Finally it was lunch, the best hour of the day. Already, a pack of students were pushing each other to pass as I navigated between them. I prayed silently, my lips unmoving, while I passed a few of my friends. But when I saw a hint of brown hair and strong shoulders sticking out of the crowd, I let out a breath. Liam and Lisa were just what I needed.

I tried to do the combination of my locker with my elbows glued to my sides but I didn’t succeed. I elbowed Lisa in the ribs, but she didn’t seem to mind.

They were making out, and he’d gotten her sandwich between the lockers and him. Damn, I couldn’t look. I tried to focus on getting my purse loaded up and getting rid of my books. Take a deep breath, I told myself, you’re going to be alright. Yes, I will. It’s not like I hadn’t seen this before, right? We were in May, meaning that I had had almost 7 months of that. I could deal with it one more time. A couple of months and it was over. Except the fact that they were going to be at my house every day during the summer. Since Ben’s best friends with Liam, and so are Amber and Lisa. Don’t think about that, I shook myself mentally. Stupid girl.

I closed my locker, feeling like a total idiot since I was there, standing just beside a couple that was making out. And that the couple was including the boy that I loved and had loved for at least 4 years. Whoa, that sounded pathetic, and I guessed it really was. I forced myself to take big steps toward the door of the hallway. I walked to the cafeteria, leaving them and all those damned thoughts behind.

I spotted my friends, sitting outside, on the grass. It was a beautiful day of spring and it was hot outside. I laughed silently, thinking of how my friends hated the cafeteria and how they had anticipated the good weather so we could eat outside again.

“Alicia!” Rose said almost instantly after she saw me coming toward them. At the sound of my name, a few of my friends looked at me. The others were occupied with something that I couldn’t see. A few minutes later, I saw them split up and come back to where I was standing with Rose.

“Hey, was up? I didn’t see you this morning,” Scott, one of my friend, said.

“Gee, Scott, not like you see her every morning. She barely takes the bus anymore,” Rose said, laughing at my side.

“Hey, I’m not the kinda guy that stops hoping,” he said with a big smile for me.

“Cheesy, but not my type. But I guess Alicia appreciates,” Rose replied, smiling at me.

“Yeah, I bet she does,” Riley said to us, from the other side of the circle that was forming close to us.

“Eavesdropping is not good, Herbert,” Rose replied. I coughed to mask my laughter, and heard someone among us do the same. Herbert was Riley’s last name and he had always hated it. That’s when the nick name had come out. Nobody called him that anymore, expect Rose when she wanted to make him angry.

“Shut up, Belden,” he shot back, his eyes shooting lightning. Laughter exploded all around me and people started talking again. This kind of thing always happened in my group. I always preferred the guys to the girls because of that. And the male population in my gang was pretty much equal to the female one. But even though I preferred the simplicity of a relationship with a guy, I still had my best friend. Rose was the kind of girl that just wanted to have fun, and I loved her for that. I had met her in 7th grade when we were both changing school to a secondary one. From that time on, we were inseparable, and we still are.

“You should give him a break. It’s not like he chose his name. Plus your name is not really better,” I said to her, looking between her and Riley. Back and forth.

“Hey, my name is great! Rosalie Belden. Sounds powerful, compared to Riley…” She drifted off, catching Riley watching her.

“Yeah, if you say so,” I said, laughing at the two of them.

“Yeah, whatever you say, Rose. But if you insist on being dead, you can say it one more time,” Riley said, frowning at her beneath his long bangs. She smiled at him sweetly and nodded to him. I knew her too well to know that she wouldn't stop so easily. She was the kind of girl that did as she wanted, no matter what the ones around her thought. A few minutes later, she turned and winked at me, and I knew that I was right. She was my best friend after all, and I knew her all too well.

“Okay, so can I come tonight? Or you want to come to my place?” She asked, mainly to change the subject.

“What do you want to do? Well I guess we are Monday, so we can do homework?” I said, but saw her grimacing. “What?”

“Well, we could do something else than homework,” she said the last word like it was the plague.

“Yeah, well unlike you, I like to actually do the work people give me. And besides, aren’t you behind in French?” I asked as I gently pushed her on the shoulder. She frowned at me.

“Well it’s not against the law to have some fun now and then.”

I sighed heavily and said, “Okay, what do you want to do?” She lit up instantly.

“I was thinking that we could maybe… I don’t know; go to a club or something…” She drifted off, leaving the space empty for other prepositions, but none came.

“You know that’s illegal, right? To go to a club when you are a minor,” I said, stopping there to see her expression. She didn’t look too happy that I’ve made that remark.

“I know, but the thing is… We need something to do. Something fun, and memorable, and…” She drifted off again, wanting somebody to jump in.

“We need a party,” another girl said, her name was Bailey and she was a tall girl, just like a model would be.

“It’s Monday guys,” I said. “Just saying,” I continued when they all looked at me. And after a moment of silence, they all began to talk all at once, making plans to throw a huge party. Ha, like that will happen, I thought to myself. My friends were always planning a party, but it was rare that it even happened. At the end of 10th grade, they had decided that they were going to organize one party each week. That didn’t happen for long. After a while, it stretched to one a month, and then one for 2 months… But at least they were trying; I had to give them that.

Rose grabbed my arm and locked her eyes with mine. She was happy. She wanted a party for a long time, but didn’t have the guts to ask. And now she had the possibility of one and didn’t even have to make a fool of herself in the process. But then she heard the possible date of the party and her face fell. Friday. This Friday. And we weren’t going to be here because we are going to an I See Stars concert. Our favorite group and they aren’t going to come by to Canada anytime soon… A party with your friends, or a concert of your favorite band? That was pretty easy for me, but I guess it was a close call for her.

“No, you can’t make it Friday. Alicia and I aren’t going to be here,” she said calmly, too calmly for what she was probably feeling inside.

“Oh, right. That Seeing Stars concert or something?”

“I See Stars,” I said, frustrated. My friends were good friends, but they were horrible with music. They went with main stream, only listening at the music that was playing on the radio, not bothering to look for other bands that might be better than what they were already listening to. People whose parents were famous and didn't even know how to sing or play guitar, and maybe even their voices are arranged in studios… Aw, they were giving me chills.

“Yeah, that’s right. I See Stars… I’ll try to remember that, sorry Alicia. So what? Saturday would be better?” Scott said, smiling at me and Rose. He was always happy and trying to make everyone comfortable and cheerful as well. I liked that of him.

“That would be awesome,” Rose said.

“It’s on bitches!” Adam screamed, dancing like a complete idiot and everyone busted up in laughter.
Last edited by theotherone on Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:01 pm, edited 15 times in total.
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Sun Sep 05, 2010 12:22 am
BreenaJames says...



Hey theotherone I'm Bree and I'll be writing you a review today. First off let me say this story has a good plot it just needs some tweaking.

My alarm went off in the morning silence. This sentence doesn't quite make sense I got up slowly, stretching every muscle in my body. I got dressed without hesitation, having already chosen what I would .[/u]wear[color=#FF0000]today(once again this way just makes more sense). Everything was done fast and neatly, the routine imprinted in my bones. Mornings weren’t my best moments, I hated them to be frank. From the moment you had to turn off the annoying beep of your alarm, to shaking off the sleep that was still clinging to you. I wish I could still be in bed, dreaming peacefully. Practically every teenager wanted that. Unfortunately, I had school.(OK from here on out I'm not going to highlight my changes, since I'm having technical difficulties)

Going downstairs, to the kitchen to eat my breakfast, my thoughts were still on my warm bed. The bread and the peanut butter were already on the table, waiting for me. Thanks mom, I thought. She knew what I liked, and remembered to leave it in plain view every morning. When my breakfast was ready, I sat at the table and started to pour myself a glass of orange juice when my brother entered the room and took it from my hands.

“Hey!” I protested. I knew that I was the one going to clean up after him. Even though he was a year older than me, I was more responsible than him.

“Thanks, Alicia,” He said in a exaggerate tone of gratitude. I eyed him a few seconds before going back to my breakfast.

Benjamin Weller was the kind of guy that was considered handsome. Brown hair, always stylishly messy, big blue eyes, tall, muscular, tanned, etc. Right now, he was only in his plaid pajama pants. (somewhere in this paragraph you should mention that Ben is her brother, it took me a while to piece that together)

I ate my breakfast rapidly and then ran up to my room. I had to apply my makeup and brush my teeth. Every day it was the same thing. I was hurrying up so I could be ready when Liam showed up while my brother was sleeping at the last moment. Guy tended to do that, always be last minute. And sometimes I was sure it was especially to get on my nerves.

Someone knocked at the door, interrupting me and my thoughts. I hurried to the door and opened it. Liam was standing before me, smiling. My heart was pounding in my chest, making me a little light headed.

He passed me and dropped his backpack on the couch, and then he sat in a chair. He knew the routine pretty well too. I got upstairs again, leaving him alone. Ben shouldn’t be long, and besides, Liam had come so many times to stay at our place that he probably didn’t mind.


I sighed heavily, looking at my reflection in my mirror. Why didn’t I inherit of the clear blue eyes of my mother? I’m sure that with those eyes, nobody could resist me, including Liam. Ben had those eyes and every single girl at school was drooling over him. And the girls that were indifferent to his eyes were falling for his best friend, Liam Rowley. Liam,(you really don't have to use ... so) he was something else entirely. Ben was a typical guy, he wanted to have fun and didn’t care who would be hurt in the process. The act he would put on whenever people were around him, but his best friend, he wasn’t like that. He was caring and fun and sweet and beautiful. I could go on for hours I thought and laughed at myself, I was such a girl sometimes. Listen to me! Obviously, all guys were the same, and the little bit I had seen of my brother at school, just reinforced that fact.

But I didn’t like Liam for his good looks. I didn’t like him like the other girls at school. Even though I couldn’t resist those big green eyes too, I liked him because I knew him.

When we were just little kids, he had been my best friend. Me, Ben, and Liam were inseparable. But the difference in age between us quickly separated us. One year. What would one year do? But trust me it did something. When the boys left, I was left alone at the Elementary School. I quickly made other friends, but I preferred, by far, the company of Liam and my brother.(too many commas in that sentence) The years went by and they didn’t want to hang with me anymore. Now, Liam barely says "Hi" to me.

“Alicia!” The voice of my brother resounded(is that what you meant?) through the walls. I picked up my bag and took the stairs two at a time. I locked the door and ran to Ben’s car. They were already there, laughing at some joke I didn’t hear. They started to talk, but I quickly understood that it wasn’t something that I wanted to hear. So I fetched my Ipod from my bag and put on the ear buds. I cranked up the volume to drown out their voices. It wasn’t for the reasons you think. I didn’t mind them talking, it was their subjects that I disliked. Sometimes they even talked about how some girls were hot… And I’m not really into girls, if you know what I mean.

The way to the school was short, and my brother was now navigating through the school parking lot. When he finally set his mind on one spot and parked, I opened my door and walked fast to the front door. I found my locker and did my combination without looking. It’s been five years that I’ve had this lock and I knew the numbers by heart. I placed my things on the shelves and picked one of my binders. Chemistry. The only class I didn’t have any friends with me. Great. At that moment a hand came covering my eyes. I knew exactly who it was.

“Adam”, He always did that trick on me since seventh grade when he discovered it.

“Why do you always know it’s me?” He asked

“Well, you’re the only one that does that thing,” I said while I turned to him. I was joining his laughter when I turned around and saw that Liam was right beside me. He pointed at his locker, which was just beside mine.

“Oh, sorry,” I said, feeling my face go hot. I took a step forward, and he slipped between me and the lockers.

“We'd better go,” I said to Adam.

“Yeah, sure. Lead the way.” He said to me, spreading out his arm. I smiled at him, and guided him to my science class. He left me when the bell was about to ring, everybody was already installed at their tables and there was only one place left. The place just in front of the class. Great, I was sure going to enjoy this day.

*****
The bell ringed, announcing the end of the class. Finally, lunch, the best hour of the day. Already a herd of students were pushing each other to pass as I navigated between them. I prayed silently, my lips unmoving, while I passed a few of my friends. But when I saw a hint of brown hair and strong shoulders sticking out of the crowd, I let out a breath. Great, just what I needed. Liam and Lisa.

I tried to do the combination of my locker with my elbows glued to my sides. I didn’t succeed. I elbowed Lisa in the ribs, but she didn’t seem to mind.

They were making out, and he’d got her sandwiched between the lockers and him. Damn, I couldn’t look. I tried to focus on getting my purse loaded up and getting rid of my books. Take a deep breath, I told myself, you’re gonna be alright. Yes, I will. It’s not like I hadn’t seen this before, right? We were in May, meaning that I had had (it looks funny but that's how it should be written)almost 7 months of that. I could deal with one more time. A couple of months and it was over. Except the fact that they are going to be at my house every day during the summer. Since Ben’s his best friend, and so are Amber and Lisa. Don’t think about that I shook myself mentally. Stupid girl.

I closed my locker, feeling like a total idiot since I was here, talking to myself, just beside the couple that was making out. And that the couple was including the boy that I loved and had loved for at least 4 years. Whoa, that sounded pathetic. And I guess it really was. I forced myself to take big steps toward the door of the hallway. I walked to the cafeteria, leaving them and all those damn thoughts behind.

I spotted my friends, sitting outside, on the grass. It was a beautiful day of spring and it was hot outside. I laughed silently, thinking of how my friends hated the cafeteria and how they had be anticipated the good weather so we could eat outside again.

“Alicia!” Rose said almost instantly after she saw me coming toward them. At the sound of my name, a few of my friends looked at me. The others were occupied with something that I couldn’t see. A few minutes later, I saw them split up and came back to where I was now standing with Rose.

“Hey, was up? I didn’t see you this morning,” One of my friends, Scott, said.

“Gee, Scott, not like you see her every morning. She barely takes the bus anymore,” Rose said, laughing at my side.

“Hey, I’m not the kinda guy that stops hoping,” He said with a big smile for me.

“Cheesy, but not my type. But I guess Alicia appreciates,” Rose replied, smiling at me.

“Yeah, I bet she does,” Riley said to us, from the other side of the circle that was forming close to us.

“Eavesdropping is not good, Herbert,” Rose replied. I cough to mask my laughter, and heard someone among us do the same. Herbert was Riley’s last name and he had always hated it. That’s when the nickname had come out. Nobody called him that anymore, except Rose when she wants to make him angry.

“Shut up, Belden,” He shot back, his eyes shooting lightning. Laughter exploded all around me and people started talking again. This kind of thing always happened in my group. I always preferred the guys to the girls because of that. And the male population in my gang was pretty much equal to the female one. But even though I preferred the simplicity of a relationship with a guy, I still had my best friend. Rose was the kind of girl that just wants to have fun and I loved her for that. I had met her in 7th grade when we were both changing school to a secondary one. From that time on, we were inseparable. We still are.

“You should give him a break. It’s not like he chose his name. Plus your name is not really better” I said to her, looking between her and Riley. Back and forth.

“Hey, my name is great! Rosalie Belden. Sounds powerful, compared to Riley…” She drifted off, catching Riley watching her.

“Yeah, if you say so,” I said, laughing at the two of them.

“Yeah, whatever you say, Rose. But if you insists on being dead, you can say it one more time,” Riley said, frowning at her beneath his long bangs. She smiled at him sweetly and nodded to him. I knew her too well to know that she’d stop so easily. She was the kind of girl that did as she wanted, no matter what the ones around her thought. A few minutes later, she turned and winked at me, and I knew that I was right. She was my best friend after all, and I knew her all too well.

“Okay, so can I come tonight? Or you want to come to my place?” She asked, mainly to change the subject.

“What do you want to do? Well I guess we are Monday, so we can do homework?” I said, but saw her grimacing. “What?”

“Well, we could do something else than homework,” she said the word like it was the plague.

“Yeah, well unlike you, I like to actually do the work people give me. And besides, aren’t you behind in French?” I asked as I gently push her on the shoulder. She frowned at me.

“Well it’s not against the law to have some fun now and then.”

I sigh heavily and said, “Okay, what do you want to do?” She lit up instantly.

“I was thinking that we could maybe… I don’t know; go to a club or something…” She drifted off, leaving the space empty for other prepositions, but none came.

“You know that that’s illegal right? To go to a club when you are a minor.” I said, stopping there to see her expression. She didn’t look too happy that I’d made that remark.

“I know, but the thing is, we need something to do. Something fun, and memorable, and…” She drifted off again, wanting somebody to jump in.

“We need a party.” Another girl said, her name was Bailey and she was a tall girl, just like a model would be.

“It’s Monday guys,” I said. “Just saying,” I continued when they all looked at me. And after a moment of silence, they all began to talk all at once, making plans to throw a huge party. Ha, like that’ll happen. I thought to myself. My friends were always planning a party, but it was rare that it even happened. At the end of 10th grade, they had decided that they were going to organize one party each week. That didn’t happen for long. After a while, it stretched to one a month, and then one for 2 months… But at least they were trying; I had to give them that.

Rose grabbed my arm and locked her eyes with mine. She was happy. She wanted a party for a long time, but didn’t have the guts to ask. And now she had the possibility of one and didn’t even have to make a fool of herself in the process. But then she heard the possible date of the party and her face fell. Friday. This Friday. And we weren’t going to be here because we are going to an "I See Stars" concert. Our favorite group and they aren’t going to come by to Canada anytime soon. A party with your friends, or a concert of your favorite band? That was pretty easy for me, but I guess it was a close call for her.

“No, you can’t make it Friday. Alicia and I aren’t going to be here.” She said calmly, too calmly for what she was probably feeling inside.

“Oh, right. That Seeing Stars concert or something?”

“I See Stars,” I said, frustrated. My friends were good friends, but they were horrible with music. They went with main stream, only listening at the music that was playing on the radio, not bothering to look for other bands that might be better than what they were already listening to. People that their parents are famous and don’t even know how to sing or play guitar, and maybe even that their voices arranged in the studios… Aw, that was giving me chills.

“Yeah, that’s right. I see stars… I’ll try to remember that, sorry Alicia. So what? Saturday would be better?” Scott said, smiling at me and Rose. He was always happy and trying to make everyone comfortable and cheerful as well. I like that of him.

“That would be awesome,” Rose said.

“It’s on bitches!” Adam screamed, dancing like a complete idiot and everyone busted up in laughter.

I just did the first chapter for now, but if you want me to do the whole thing pm me and I promise I will. By the way try not use so many ...'s next time.
--Being happy all the time may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth while.

--It's OK to act stupid, but you are abusing the privilege
  





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Mon Sep 06, 2010 2:03 am
TheTruthLiesWithin says...



Hey you! First off, I'm sure you already know I like the plot :) It's cliche but has something special. It has potential!

I've only got a few things...

I wish I could still be in bed, dreaming peacefully, practically every teenager wanted that. Unfortunately, I had school…

This sentence feels a bit wrong. Maybe try I wish I could still be in bed, dreaming peacefully. Every teenagers felt the same way but, unfortunately, I had to go to school.

Now, you've done all three chapters in one post and that is... very very long. When I looked at it, I'm a bit discouraged. It's a bit like posting something without spacing, eh? You might want to get it separated in chapters :)

That's all I've got for now. Hope the rest is coming up soon :D Keep me hooked!
-TheTruthLiesWithin-
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Fri Sep 10, 2010 11:30 pm
xBoyCrazieeXXXF says...



Hey, I totally love this! It sounds totally awesome! It's kind of long and I didn't exactly read the whole thing, but when I have time, I promise I will.
  





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Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:52 pm
BreenaJames says...



The week passed in a blur and I couldn’t believe that we were (you should change this to "it was" so that it makes more sensefinally Friday. And it wasn’t a plain Friday. It was the day that I was going to see the concert of the best bands ever: I See Stars, Breathe Carolina, Attack Attack! and Asking Alexandria. It was a surprise for Lisa and Amber and the guys had invited us to go with themthat sentence doesn't make sense I can't figure out why though. Naturally, I had accepted, but there was a little catch. The guys had to go away before the concert, getting all the tickets and things like that. Therefore, they had needed us to make something with the girls while they were gone. I didn’t mind though, I was still going to see my favorite band live!

I opened the door and closed it right after me. Rose had barely space to enter. I searched for something to wear, emptying all my drawers. Rose was pointing out shirts to me sometimes but I refused them all. This night should be different, I wanted to be pretty. I wanted Liam to forget Lisa and come with me. But that would never happen. Well, at least I could impress other cute guys.(just one period please)

I finally found a cute and pair of short shorts that I hadn't wornfor years, and a deep blue tank top. They would be perfect. The shorts were extra short and the tank top, well it was really cute. I smiled at my reflection. Next was my hair and makeup. Rose led me to the bathroom and made me stick my head in ice-cold water.

“What are you doing?” I asked. A drop of water rolled down my spine and made me shiver.

“You’ll see.” She simply responded. She turned me so my back was to the mirror. She didn’t want me to see up until the very last minute. Great, surprises were the worst, especially when someone was playing with your hair and makeup.

“Ta-da!” Rose said proudly when everything was finally done. I turned slowly to face the mirror to see a face that wasn’t quite mine. I was totally transformed, and I liked it. My hair was falling in frizz free curls around my face –A thing that I wasn’t able to do, even after years of experience- and my face was, well,(commas are meant to show a pause and are usually better than ...) beautiful. My eyes were powdered with light brown eye shadow and black eye liner that was making them even bigger then they naturally were. Blush was covering my cheekbones, making them a deep pink, like I was blushing.

“Wow…” I was speechless.

“You’re perfect!”

“Thanks. Do you need help with your makeup?” I secretly hoped she would say no. I was really bad at that stuff.

“No offense Alicia, but I think I can do it by myself... And better!” She joked. We laugh for a little bit before I said:

“You’re probably right, though. I’m horrible at this stuff…”

“You’re not that bad!” She said. Instantly gave her a look and we started laughing again. But this time we couldn’t stop
ourselves. We finished, lying on the tiled floor, gripping our hurting stomaches.

“My tummy hurts!” Rose let escape between two laughs.

“Okay.” I finally said, taking a big breath. I rose to my feet and helped Rose up. I watched Rose as she made her makeup and I commented on the colors she should choose. When she was done, I checked my hair one last time before turning the lights off.

We went downstairs to wait for my brother and Liam. They were obviously in the garage, probably waiting for their dates. So we fooled around in my kitchen, waiting for them. They finally appeared, fifteen minutes later. Amber was the first one to enter the kitchen, followed by Ben, Lisa and finally, Liam.

When he entered the room, I didn’t recoil like I usually did. This is my night, I thought, this is what I needed, a night with no worries. So I just kept laughing and joking, like I normally was with my friends. I turned around to smile at my brother but instead all I could see was Liam making out with Lisa. I angled my head so I couldn’t see them anymore and took a deep breath. I argued with myself for several minutes and finally decided that I couldn’t let Liam’s happy couple spoil my mood. I finally turned to Rose, who watched me with worried eyes.

“We should…” I didn’t finish my sentence pointing to the living room with my hand. Rose understood almost instantly.

“Are you okay?” She asked when we were alone, sitting on the couch.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just thought that we could give them some privacy…” Rose didn’t buy that, she continued watching me. I ignored her; I didn’t want to deal with all this. Rose already told me a thousand times that I was wasting my time, that tons of guys would be just perfect for me, if I would let Liam go…

“So, are you ready to have the time of your life?” I asked with a huge smile. Her face lit up and she began dancing. We both cracked up and hitting hideous dance move. My brother entered the room but he stopped dead in is track. His expression clearly told us that he thought we were crazy. Rose and I couldn’t stop ourselves from laughing again. My brother joined in after a few seconds.

“Okay, it’s time girls!” I lifted to my feet and followed Ben to the front door, Rose was following close behind. Amber was already waiting in my brother’s car while Lisa was waiting in Liam’s. He was leaning casually leaning against the passenger door of his car.

“Your choice, who do you want to ride with?” My brother asked, at my ear. Rose turned to me, trying to tell me something with her eyes. It was obvious that she wanted to ride with my brother. And besides, I didn’t want to see Liam and Lisa together anymore. So maybe it was a good idea. I took Rose’s hand in mine and got in my brother’s car.

The long trip was finally done. Ben led the car to a parking lot, Liam following him. I jumped out of the car as soon as it stopped moving. Rose was at my side in two seconds. I stretch my arms before me and flexed my muscles. My body was hurting like hell from not moving for a long time, but I didn’t mind. I was excited that I didn’t even feel the pain.

“Ohmygod!” The words rushed out of my friend’s lips.

“I know!” I shouted back. We bounced up, yelling our excitement. Ben and Amber were soon out of the car but Liam decided to stay in the car. I tried not to look at them but I couldn’t. Lisa was talking –it looked like she was screaming- at Liam. He had his head in his hands, elbows popped up on the dashboard. Suddenly his head snap up. His eyes locked on mine and I was unable to move any part of my body. I could easily see the sadness in his eyes keeping him bound in place, just like me. He shifted his attention back to Lisa and said something with clenched teeth. He looked annoyed by something, like Lisa’s voice bothered him.

“So, what are we doing?” Amber asked, causing me to turn my attention back to them.

“Well… We could go shopping!” Respond Lisa. She was walking straight to us. Liam slowly opened his door and got out of the car too.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea, right Ben?” Amber asked, she turned to my brother. She took his hand and waited for his response.

“Sorry, but we have something to do…Maybe you could go with Alicia and Rose?” Ben’s voice was slow, like he didn’t know what to expect.

“Yeah, sure” Liam and Ben left, leaving us alone with their girlfriends.

“So where do you want to go?” I asked, trying to break the silence. They just lookedat us and smiled. They dragged us to gazillions of different stores. I watched them try on everything in the store but never buying. Around 5:15 I guided them to the intersection on Mont Royal Est and Papineau, Liam and Ben were waiting for us. They kissed sweetly and I tried not to look when Liam took Lisa’s hand and murmured something in her ear. She smiled up at him. My heart sank in my chest and I had to bite down my bottom lit to keep from screaming. The sorry she had been expecting had come, and I kept hoping he wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of it…

I know what you’re going to say. And yes, it is truer than you even think. I can say it in three simple words. I. Am. Jealous.

“We better go,” Rose whispered to me. Her words made me come back from my selfish thoughts. I nodded absently and followed her to a bench that was near. I sit down, my back to Liam. I didn’t have to watch the girls freak out about the concert. They would probably be ecstatic and to be honest, that would make me more angry.

“So, what are we doing?” From this angle, I could easily see Liam and Lisa. They were talking again, but it seems more like reconciliation. God, I shouldn’t think about him! I wasn’t keeping my promise.

“We should just… hang out.” Rose finally said.

“Yeah, sure, but where?” I asked sarcastically. She rolled her eyes and it took a moment before she realized what I was really meaning.

“Uh… We could shop. But this time it would be just us.” I nodded. Sure, that was a good idea. Just me and her… And this time we could go to our favorite stores
--Being happy all the time may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth while.

--It's OK to act stupid, but you are abusing the privilege
  





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Mon Sep 13, 2010 2:51 am
delilahlovve says...



Hey..

So, in the story, I couldn't really tell but I think you wanted to write in past tense. You seemed to sometimes jump from past tense and then present tense..it's a common problem among teens. Just double check your tenses and make sure it's correct. There's also a moderate amount of misspellings and some run-ons. Also, be cautious of fragments. Honestly, I got distracted in the begginning, like all intros to stories. But overall, it kept my interest.
  





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Mon Sep 13, 2010 11:04 pm
theotherone says...



Thanks everyone for your help!

Truth: I know what you mean about the length and I changed it for two chapters instead of three... I am aware that it's still pretty long, and I'll probably post the next chapters alone. I hope it's better. :)

Boy Craziee: Thank you! :) I would like your advice on it, though, because you don't always see all your mistakes, if you know what i mean.

Breena: I know what you mean about the ...'s. And I totally agree, although it doesn't exactly do the same as a coma. The ... shows an hesitation, or an uncomfortableness, towards the characters, when the coma only points out a pause in the narration. I understand that I don't need to always use the ..., and it may be better in some places write do a coma instead. Thank you for the advice. :D

Delilah: Thank you for reading, it means a lot. I do know that I often do that mistake... I don't realize it, and I honestly don't think I know how to correct myself, but I promise I'll try! :) And I will correct the other mistakes, such as run-ons and the misspellings as well.
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  





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Tue Sep 21, 2010 6:44 pm
delilahlovve says...



Well, at least you write too much! Sometimes I can't find enough words. The best thing about being that kind of writer is you can always reread your stories or chapters and condense them down, picking out only the most interesting and important parts.
  





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Sun Sep 26, 2010 4:05 pm
wonderland says...



It s a good beginning, with a strong, hope-fully non-mary-sue-ish MC, a nice setting and clear characters. Your description is good, except for your first paragraph
My alarm went off, disturbing the silence that was surrounding me. I got up slowly, stretching every muscle in my body. I got dressed without a hesitation, having already chosen what I would be wearing for today. Everything was done fast and neatly, the routine imprinted in my bones. The mornings weren’t my best moments. I hated them, to be frank. From the moment u had to turn off the annoying beep off your alarm, to shaking off the sleep that was still clinging to you. I wish I could still be in bed, dreaming peacefully. Every teenagers felt the same way but, unfortunately, I had to go to school.


My alarm went off, disturbing the silence that was surrounding me.

Okay, that was your first sentence, the sentence that hooks the reader, and I'm reading about an alarm. It's typical.

From the moment u had to turn off the annoying beep off your alarm

You! Please use the whole words!

Alright, I think thats it
~WickedWonder
Last edited by wonderland on Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

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Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:02 pm
renttwin12 says...



I like it :) I just think you need to take a second to read it over yourself, that always helps me. Only because there are easy-to-change errors that you're just not catching. The story just isn't starting to flow quite right yet. Keep up the good work!
There's only now, there's only here. Give into love, or live in fear. ~Jonathan Larson's RENT
  





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Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:25 pm
hockeyfan87 says...



theotherone wrote:
Chapter One

My alarm went off, disturbing the silence that was surrounding me. I got up slowly, stretching every muscle in my body. I got dressed without a hesitation, having already chosen what I would be wearing for today. Everything was done fast and neatly, the routine imprinted in my bones. The mornings weren’t my best moments. I hated them, to be frank. From the moment you had to turn off the annoying beep off your alarm, to shaking off the sleep that was still clinging to you. I wish I could still be in bed, dreaming peacefully. Every teenagers felt the same way but, unfortunately, I had to go to school. Reword
Going down the stairs, to the kitchen to take my breakfast, my thoughts were still on my warm bed. The bred and the peanut butter were already on the table, waiting for me. Thanks mom, I thought. She knew what I liked, and remembered to leave them in plain view every morning. When my breakfast was finally ready, I sat at the table and started to pour myself a glass of orange juice when my brother entered the room and took it from my hands.

“Hey!” I protested. I knew that I was the one going to clean up after him. Even though he was a year older than me, I was more responsible than him.

“Thanks, Alicia,” He said in a exaggerate tone of gratitude. I eyed him a few seconds before going back to my breakfast.

Benjamin Weller was the kind of guy that was considered handsome. Brown hair, always stylishly messy, big blue eyes, tall, muscular, tanned... Right now, he was only in his plaid pajama pants.

I ate my breakfast rapidly and then got to my room. I had to apply makeup and brush my teeth. Every day it was the same thing. I was hurrying up so I could be ready when Liam shows up when my brother was sleeping up to the last moment. Guy tended to do that, always be last minute. And sometimes I was sure it was especially to get on my nerves.
Someone knock at the door, interrupting me and my thoughts. I hurried at the door and opened it. Liam was standing before me, smiling. My heart was pounding in my chest, making me a little light headed.

He passed me and dropped his backpack on the couch, and then he sat in a chair. He knew the routine pretty well too. I got upstairs again, leaving him alone. Ben shouldn’t be long, and besides, Liam had come so many times to stay at our place that he probably didn’t mind.



I sighed heavily, looking at my reflection in my mirror. Why didn’t I inherit of the clear blue eyes of my mother? I’m sure that with those eyes, nobody would resist me, including Liam. Ben had those eyes and every single girl at school was drooling over him. And the girls that were indifferent of his eyes were falling for his best friend, Liam Rowley. Liam… he was something else entirely. Ben was a typical guy, he wanted to have fun and didn’t care who would be hurt in the process, the act he was putting on when people where around him, but his best friend… he wasn’t like that. He was caring and fun and sweet and beautiful… I could go on for hours, I thought and laughed at myself. I was such a girl sometimes. Listen to me! Obviously, all guys were the same, and the little bit I had seen of my brother at school, just reinforced that fact.

But I didn’t like Liam for his good looks. I didn’t like him like the other girls at school. Even though I couldn’t resist to those big green eyes, I liked him because I knew him.

When we were just little kids, he had once, been my best friend. Me, Ben and Liam were inseparable. But the difference in age between us quickly separated us. One year. What would one year do? But trust me it did something. When the boys left, I was left alone at the Elementary School. I quickly made other friends, but I preferred, by far, the company of Liam and my brother. The years went by and they didn’t want to hang with me anymore. Now, Liam barely says Hi lowercaseto me.
“Alicia!” The voice of my brother resonated through the walls. I picked up my bag and came down the stairs two at a time. I locked the door and ran to Ben’s car. They were already there, laughing at some joke I didn’t hear. They started to talk, but I quickly understood that it wasn’t something that I wanted to hear. So I fetch my Ipod from my bag and put on the ear buds. I cranked up the volume to drown their voices. It wasn’t for the reasons your thinking. I didn’t mind them talking, it was their subject that I disliked. Sometimes they even talked about how some girls were hot… And I’m not really into girls, if you know what I mean.

The way to the school was short, and my brother was now navigating through the school parking lot. When he finally set his mind on one spot and parked, I opened my door and walked fast to the front door. I found my locker and did my combination without looking. It’s been five years that I’ve had this lock and I knew the numbers by heart. I placed my things on the shelves and picked one of my binders. Chemistry. The only class I didn’t have any friends with me. Great. At that moment a hand came covering my eyes. I knew exactly who it was.

“Adam”, He always did that trick on me since seventh grade when he discovered it.

“Why do you always know it’s me?” He asked

“Well, you’re the only one that does that thing…” I said while I turned to him. I was joining his laughter when I turned around and saw that Liam was right beside me. He pointed at his locker, which was just beside mine.

“Oh, sorry…” I said, feeling my face go hot. I took a step forward, and he slipped between me and the lockers.

“We better go…” I said to Adam.

“Yeah, sure. Lead the way.” He said to me, spreading out his arm. I smiled at him, and guide him to my science class. He left me when the bell was about to ring, everybody was already installed at their tables and there was only one place left. The place just in front of the class. Great, I was sure going to enjoy this day.

*****
The bell ringed, announcing the end of the class. Finally, lunch, the best hour of the day. Already a herd of students were pushing each other to pass as I navigated between them. I prayed silently, my lips unmoving, while I passed a few of my friends. But when I saw a hint of brown hair and strong shoulders sticking out of the crowd, I let out a breath. Great, just what I needed. Liam and Lisa.

I tried to do the combination of my locker with my elbows glued to my sides. I didn’t succeed. I elbowed Lisa in the ribs, but she didn’t seem to mind.

They were making out, and he’d got her sandwich between the lockers and him. Damn, I couldn’t look. I tried to focus on getting my purse loaded up and getting rid of my books. Take a deep breath, I told myself, you’re gonna be alright. Yes, I will. It’s not like I hadn’t seen this before, right? We were in May, meaning that I had almost 7 months of that. I could deal with one more time. A couple of months and it was over. Except the fact that they are going to be at my house every day during the summer. Since Ben’s his best friends, and so are Amber and Lisa. Don’t think about that I shook myself mentally. Stupid girl.

I closed my locker, feeling like a total idiot since I was here, talking to myself, just beside the couple that was making out. And that the couple was including the boy that I loved and had loved for at least 4 years. Whoa, that sounded pathetic. And I guess it really was. I forced myself to take big steps toward the door of the hallway. I walked to the cafeteria, leaving them and all those damn thoughts behind.

I spotted my friends, sitting outside, on the grass. It was a beautiful day of spring and it was hot outside. I laughed silently, thinking of how my friends hated the cafeteria and how they had be anticipated the good weather so we could eat outside again.

“Alicia!” Rose said almost instantly after she saw me coming toward them. At the sound of my name, a few of my friends looked at me. The others were occupied with something that I couldn’t see. A few minutes later, I saw them split up and came back to where I was now standing with Rose.

“Hey, was up? I didn’t saw you this morning.” One of my friend, whose name was deleteScott, said.

“Gee, Scott, not like you see her every morning. She barely takes the bus anymore.” Rose said, laughing at my side.

“Hey, I’m not the kinda guy that stops hoping.” He said with a big smile for me.

“Cheesy, but not my type. But I guess Alicia appreciates.” Rose replied, smiling at me.

“Yeah, I bet she does.” Riley said to us, from the other side of the circle that was forming close to us.

“Eavesdropping is not good, Herbert.” Rose replied. I cough to mask my laughter, and heard someone among us do the same. Herbert was Riley’s last name and he had always hated it. That’s when the nick name had come out. Nobody called him that anymore, expects Rose when she wanted to make him angry.

“Shut up, Belden” He shot back, his eyes shooting lightning. Laughter exploded all around me and people started talking again. This kind of thing always happened in my group. I always preferred the guys to the girls because of that. And the male population in my gang was pretty much equal to the female one. But even though I preferred the simplicity of a relationship with a guy, I still had my best friend. Rose was the kind of girl that just wants to have fun. And I loved her for that. I had met her in 7th grade when we were both changing school to a secondary one. From that time on, we were inseparable.comma We still are.

“You should give him a break. It’s not like he chose his name. Plus your name is not really better.” I said to her, looking between her and Riley. Back and forth.

“Hey, my name is great! Rosalie Belden. Sounds powerful, compared to Riley…” She drifted off, catching Riley watching her.

“Yeah, if you say so.” I said, laughing at the two of them.

“Yeah, whatever you say, Rose. But if u insists on being dead, you can say it one more time.” Riley said, frowning at her beneath his long bangs. She smiled at him sweetly and nodded to him. I knew her too well to know that she’d stop so easily. She was the kind of girl that did as she wanted, no matter what the ones around her thought. A few minutes later, she turned and winked at me, and I knew that I was right.
She was my best friend after all, and I knew her all too well.

“Okay, so can I come tonight? Or you want to come to my place?” She asked, mainly to change the subject.

“What do you want to do? Well I guess we are Monday, so we can do homework?” I said, but saw her grimacing. “What?”

“Well, we could do something else than homework,” she said the word like it was the plague.

“Yeah, well unlike you, I like to actually do the work people give me. And besides, aren’t you behind in French?” I asked as I gently push her on the shoulder. She frowned at me.

“Well it’s not against the law to have some fun now and then.”

I sigh heavily and said, “Okay, what do you want to do?” She lit up instantly.

“I was thinking that we could maybe… I don’t know; go to a club or something…” She drifted off, leaving the space empty for other prepositions, but none came.

“You know that that’s illegal right? To go to a club when you are a minor.” I said, stopping there to see her expression. She didn’t look to happy that I’ve made that remark.

“I know, but the thing is… We need something to do. Something fun, and memorable, and…” She drifted off again, wanting somebody to jump in.

“We need a party.” Another girl said, her name was Bailey and she was a tall girl, just like a model would be.

“It’s Monday guys,” I said. “Just saying,” I continued when they all looked at me. And after a moment of silence, they all began to talk all at once, making plans to throw a huge party. Ha, like that’ll happen. I thought to myself. My friends were always planning a party, but it was rare that it even happened. At the end of 10th grade, they had decided that they were going to organize one party each week. That didn’t happen for long. After a while, it stretched to one a month, and then one for 2 months… But at least they were trying; I had to give them that.

Rose grabbed my arm and locked her eyes with mine. She was happy. She wanted a party for a long time, but didn’t have the guts to ask. And now she had the possibility of one and didn’t even have to make a fool of herself in the process. But then she heard the possible date of the party and her face fell. Friday. This Friday. And we weren’t going to be here because we are going to an I See Stars concert. Our favorite group and they aren’t going to come by to Canada anytime soon… A party with your friends, or a concert of your favorite band? That was pretty easy for me, but I guess it was a close call for her.

“No, you can’t make it Friday. Alicia and I aren’t going to be here.” She said calmly, too calmly for what she was probably feeling inside.

“Oh, right. That Seeing Stars concert or something?”

“I See Stars,” I said, frustrated. My friends were good friends, but they were horrible with music. They went with main stream, only listening at the music that was playing on the radio, not bothering to look for other bands that might be better than what they were already listening to. People that their parents are famous and don’t even know how to sing or play guitar, and maybe even that their voices are arrange in the studios… Aw, that was giving me chills.

“Yeah, that’s right. I see stars… I’ll try to remember that, sorry Alicia. So what? Saturday would be better?” Scott said, smiling at me and Rose. He was always happy and trying to make everyone comfortable and cheerful as well. I like that of him.

“That would be awesome,” Rose said.

“It’s on bitches!” Adam screamed, dancing like a complete idiot and everyone busted up in laughter.

good sorryy i qupted the whole thing when i started reading it it looked like there were a lot of errors but i was wrong :)
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn
  





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Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:25 pm
hockeyfan87 says...



theotherone wrote:
Chapter One

My alarm went off, disturbing the silence that was surrounding me. I got up slowly, stretching every muscle in my body. I got dressed without a hesitation, having already chosen what I would be wearing for today. Everything was done fast and neatly, the routine imprinted in my bones. The mornings weren’t my best moments. I hated them, to be frank. From the moment you had to turn off the annoying beep off your alarm, to shaking off the sleep that was still clinging to you. I wish I could still be in bed, dreaming peacefully. Every teenagers felt the same way but, unfortunately, I had to go to school. Reword
Going down the stairs, to the kitchen to take my breakfast, my thoughts were still on my warm bed. The bred and the peanut butter were already on the table, waiting for me. Thanks mom, I thought. She knew what I liked, and remembered to leave them in plain view every morning. When my breakfast was finally ready, I sat at the table and started to pour myself a glass of orange juice when my brother entered the room and took it from my hands.

“Hey!” I protested. I knew that I was the one going to clean up after him. Even though he was a year older than me, I was more responsible than him.

“Thanks, Alicia,” He said in a exaggerate tone of gratitude. I eyed him a few seconds before going back to my breakfast.

Benjamin Weller was the kind of guy that was considered handsome. Brown hair, always stylishly messy, big blue eyes, tall, muscular, tanned... Right now, he was only in his plaid pajama pants.

I ate my breakfast rapidly and then got to my room. I had to apply makeup and brush my teeth. Every day it was the same thing. I was hurrying up so I could be ready when Liam shows up when my brother was sleeping up to the last moment. Guy tended to do that, always be last minute. And sometimes I was sure it was especially to get on my nerves.
Someone knock at the door, interrupting me and my thoughts. I hurried at the door and opened it. Liam was standing before me, smiling. My heart was pounding in my chest, making me a little light headed.

He passed me and dropped his backpack on the couch, and then he sat in a chair. He knew the routine pretty well too. I got upstairs again, leaving him alone. Ben shouldn’t be long, and besides, Liam had come so many times to stay at our place that he probably didn’t mind.



I sighed heavily, looking at my reflection in my mirror. Why didn’t I inherit of the clear blue eyes of my mother? I’m sure that with those eyes, nobody would resist me, including Liam. Ben had those eyes and every single girl at school was drooling over him. And the girls that were indifferent of his eyes were falling for his best friend, Liam Rowley. Liam… he was something else entirely. Ben was a typical guy, he wanted to have fun and didn’t care who would be hurt in the process, the act he was putting on when people where around him, but his best friend… he wasn’t like that. He was caring and fun and sweet and beautiful… I could go on for hours, I thought and laughed at myself. I was such a girl sometimes. Listen to me! Obviously, all guys were the same, and the little bit I had seen of my brother at school, just reinforced that fact.

But I didn’t like Liam for his good looks. I didn’t like him like the other girls at school. Even though I couldn’t resist to those big green eyes, I liked him because I knew him.

When we were just little kids, he had once, been my best friend. Me, Ben and Liam were inseparable. But the difference in age between us quickly separated us. One year. What would one year do? But trust me it did something. When the boys left, I was left alone at the Elementary School. I quickly made other friends, but I preferred, by far, the company of Liam and my brother. The years went by and they didn’t want to hang with me anymore. Now, Liam barely says Hi lowercaseto me.
“Alicia!” The voice of my brother resonated through the walls. I picked up my bag and came down the stairs two at a time. I locked the door and ran to Ben’s car. They were already there, laughing at some joke I didn’t hear. They started to talk, but I quickly understood that it wasn’t something that I wanted to hear. So I fetch my Ipod from my bag and put on the ear buds. I cranked up the volume to drown their voices. It wasn’t for the reasons your thinking. I didn’t mind them talking, it was their subject that I disliked. Sometimes they even talked about how some girls were hot… And I’m not really into girls, if you know what I mean.

The way to the school was short, and my brother was now navigating through the school parking lot. When he finally set his mind on one spot and parked, I opened my door and walked fast to the front door. I found my locker and did my combination without looking. It’s been five years that I’ve had this lock and I knew the numbers by heart. I placed my things on the shelves and picked one of my binders. Chemistry. The only class I didn’t have any friends with me. Great. At that moment a hand came covering my eyes. I knew exactly who it was.

“Adam”, He always did that trick on me since seventh grade when he discovered it.

“Why do you always know it’s me?” He asked

“Well, you’re the only one that does that thing…” I said while I turned to him. I was joining his laughter when I turned around and saw that Liam was right beside me. He pointed at his locker, which was just beside mine.

“Oh, sorry…” I said, feeling my face go hot. I took a step forward, and he slipped between me and the lockers.

“We better go…” I said to Adam.

“Yeah, sure. Lead the way.” He said to me, spreading out his arm. I smiled at him, and guide him to my science class. He left me when the bell was about to ring, everybody was already installed at their tables and there was only one place left. The place just in front of the class. Great, I was sure going to enjoy this day.

*****
The bell ringed, announcing the end of the class. Finally, lunch, the best hour of the day. Already a herd of students were pushing each other to pass as I navigated between them. I prayed silently, my lips unmoving, while I passed a few of my friends. But when I saw a hint of brown hair and strong shoulders sticking out of the crowd, I let out a breath. Great, just what I needed. Liam and Lisa.

I tried to do the combination of my locker with my elbows glued to my sides. I didn’t succeed. I elbowed Lisa in the ribs, but she didn’t seem to mind.

They were making out, and he’d got her sandwich between the lockers and him. Damn, I couldn’t look. I tried to focus on getting my purse loaded up and getting rid of my books. Take a deep breath, I told myself, you’re gonna be alright. Yes, I will. It’s not like I hadn’t seen this before, right? We were in May, meaning that I had almost 7 months of that. I could deal with one more time. A couple of months and it was over. Except the fact that they are going to be at my house every day during the summer. Since Ben’s his best friends, and so are Amber and Lisa. Don’t think about that I shook myself mentally. Stupid girl.

I closed my locker, feeling like a total idiot since I was here, talking to myself, just beside the couple that was making out. And that the couple was including the boy that I loved and had loved for at least 4 years. Whoa, that sounded pathetic. And I guess it really was. I forced myself to take big steps toward the door of the hallway. I walked to the cafeteria, leaving them and all those damn thoughts behind.

I spotted my friends, sitting outside, on the grass. It was a beautiful day of spring and it was hot outside. I laughed silently, thinking of how my friends hated the cafeteria and how they had be anticipated the good weather so we could eat outside again.

“Alicia!” Rose said almost instantly after she saw me coming toward them. At the sound of my name, a few of my friends looked at me. The others were occupied with something that I couldn’t see. A few minutes later, I saw them split up and came back to where I was now standing with Rose.

“Hey, was up? I didn’t saw you this morning.” One of my friend, whose name was deleteScott, said.

“Gee, Scott, not like you see her every morning. She barely takes the bus anymore.” Rose said, laughing at my side.

“Hey, I’m not the kinda guy that stops hoping.” He said with a big smile for me.

“Cheesy, but not my type. But I guess Alicia appreciates.” Rose replied, smiling at me.

“Yeah, I bet she does.” Riley said to us, from the other side of the circle that was forming close to us.

“Eavesdropping is not good, Herbert.” Rose replied. I cough to mask my laughter, and heard someone among us do the same. Herbert was Riley’s last name and he had always hated it. That’s when the nick name had come out. Nobody called him that anymore, expects Rose when she wanted to make him angry.

“Shut up, Belden” He shot back, his eyes shooting lightning. Laughter exploded all around me and people started talking again. This kind of thing always happened in my group. I always preferred the guys to the girls because of that. And the male population in my gang was pretty much equal to the female one. But even though I preferred the simplicity of a relationship with a guy, I still had my best friend. Rose was the kind of girl that just wants to have fun. And I loved her for that. I had met her in 7th grade when we were both changing school to a secondary one. From that time on, we were inseparable.comma We still are.

“You should give him a break. It’s not like he chose his name. Plus your name is not really better.” I said to her, looking between her and Riley. Back and forth.

“Hey, my name is great! Rosalie Belden. Sounds powerful, compared to Riley…” She drifted off, catching Riley watching her.

“Yeah, if you say so.” I said, laughing at the two of them.

“Yeah, whatever you say, Rose. But if u insists on being dead, you can say it one more time.” Riley said, frowning at her beneath his long bangs. She smiled at him sweetly and nodded to him. I knew her too well to know that she’d stop so easily. She was the kind of girl that did as she wanted, no matter what the ones around her thought. A few minutes later, she turned and winked at me, and I knew that I was right.
She was my best friend after all, and I knew her all too well.

“Okay, so can I come tonight? Or you want to come to my place?” She asked, mainly to change the subject.

“What do you want to do? Well I guess we are Monday, so we can do homework?” I said, but saw her grimacing. “What?”

“Well, we could do something else than homework,” she said the word like it was the plague.

“Yeah, well unlike you, I like to actually do the work people give me. And besides, aren’t you behind in French?” I asked as I gently push her on the shoulder. She frowned at me.

“Well it’s not against the law to have some fun now and then.”

I sigh heavily and said, “Okay, what do you want to do?” She lit up instantly.

“I was thinking that we could maybe… I don’t know; go to a club or something…” She drifted off, leaving the space empty for other prepositions, but none came.

“You know that that’s illegal right? To go to a club when you are a minor.” I said, stopping there to see her expression. She didn’t look to happy that I’ve made that remark.

“I know, but the thing is… We need something to do. Something fun, and memorable, and…” She drifted off again, wanting somebody to jump in.

“We need a party.” Another girl said, her name was Bailey and she was a tall girl, just like a model would be.

“It’s Monday guys,” I said. “Just saying,” I continued when they all looked at me. And after a moment of silence, they all began to talk all at once, making plans to throw a huge party. Ha, like that’ll happen. I thought to myself. My friends were always planning a party, but it was rare that it even happened. At the end of 10th grade, they had decided that they were going to organize one party each week. That didn’t happen for long. After a while, it stretched to one a month, and then one for 2 months… But at least they were trying; I had to give them that.

Rose grabbed my arm and locked her eyes with mine. She was happy. She wanted a party for a long time, but didn’t have the guts to ask. And now she had the possibility of one and didn’t even have to make a fool of herself in the process. But then she heard the possible date of the party and her face fell. Friday. This Friday. And we weren’t going to be here because we are going to an I See Stars concert. Our favorite group and they aren’t going to come by to Canada anytime soon… A party with your friends, or a concert of your favorite band? That was pretty easy for me, but I guess it was a close call for her.

“No, you can’t make it Friday. Alicia and I aren’t going to be here.” She said calmly, too calmly for what she was probably feeling inside.

“Oh, right. That Seeing Stars concert or something?”

“I See Stars,” I said, frustrated. My friends were good friends, but they were horrible with music. They went with main stream, only listening at the music that was playing on the radio, not bothering to look for other bands that might be better than what they were already listening to. People that their parents are famous and don’t even know how to sing or play guitar, and maybe even that their voices are arrange in the studios… Aw, that was giving me chills.

“Yeah, that’s right. I see stars… I’ll try to remember that, sorry Alicia. So what? Saturday would be better?” Scott said, smiling at me and Rose. He was always happy and trying to make everyone comfortable and cheerful as well. I like that of him.

“That would be awesome,” Rose said.

“It’s on bitches!” Adam screamed, dancing like a complete idiot and everyone busted up in laughter.

good sorryy i qupted the whole thing when i started reading it it looked like there were a lot of errors but i was wrong :)
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn
  





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Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:19 pm
AllieMeadows says...



Awesome awesom awsome! I love this story
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead :o <3
  





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Fri Feb 18, 2011 6:10 pm
SmylinG says...



First off, I just want to say that I disagree with some of the other posts in the sense that I do not think the chapter was too long or intimidating to read :) It was just right in length. You have that part down very good and it's nice to see that there are others who write so fully as I tend to write when I am building up a chapter of something.

The flow of some of your sentences was a little off but only in ways that are easily fixable. I think that if you took a look back at this chapter you would also see more clearly the areas you became a little messy in. But it wasn't so bad that the reader couldn't catch the gist of what you were meaning to say. So that's good. Also, your use of past tense mixing in with the present tense was a little distracting as I was reading through your work. For example, "I sigh heavily and said,. . .", should either be I sighed heavily and said, or I sigh heavily and say. You see what I mean? But easily fixable.

Other than that and your sentence structure, I see no real flaws in your work. It's mainly all that punctuation and fine grammar that can really turn good work into great work :) I hope my review was helpful, even though I haven't gotten the chance to read the rest of your work to see where you've already improved on. I look forward to reading more from your story though. You can count on seeing more of my reviews.
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.
  





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Wed Mar 09, 2011 9:54 am
writerwithacause says...



Everything was done fast and neatly, the routine imprinted in my bones.

The Mornings weren’t my best moments.


From the moment you had to turn off the annoying beep of your alarm


“Thanks, Alicia,” he said in an exaggerated tone of gratitude. I eyed him for a few seconds before going back to my breakfast.


I hurried to the door and opened it.


Why didn’t I inherited of the clear blue eyes of my mother?


He was caring and fun and sweet and handsome


Now, Liam barely said "hi" to me.


“We'd better go…” I said to Adam.


I could deal with it one more time. A couple of months and it was over. Except the fact that they were going to be at my house every day during the summer.


“Okay, so can I come tonight? Or you want to come to my place?” she asked, mainly to change the subject.


“You know that (sounds better this way :)) that’s illegal, right? To go to a club when you are a minor,” I said, stopping there to see her expression. She didn’t look too happy that I’ve made that remark.


People whose parents are famous and don’t even know how to sing or play guitar, and maybe even that their voices are arranged in the studios… Aw, that was giving me chills.


Well, these are pretty much all the mistakes I've found. Besides these, your use of Present/Past/Past Perfect confused me a bit. Are you narrating something that happened in the past, or the action takes place as you narrate it (in the present)?

Nevertheless, this is a promising Young Adult novel! :)
Julie, a sucker for romance, historical fashion, medieval fairs and blues music. Add photography and you already know me 50%. The rest of me you'll discover through my writings and my photos.

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If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
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