Young Writers Society

This is the troll's story of the Three Billy Goats Gruff. I did this as English homework. Please review and be as critical as you like





The golden sun shimmered over a field of the lushest grass, and on the lushest grass were beautiful emerald stems- with beautiful petals at the top. Candy floss clouds hung in the sky, next to the colourful rainbow; ah summer, great in the morning. The bushes were like… the Big Mean Goats fur.
Yes, let me tell you about the Big Mean Goat; Lesley is his name I think but I don't call him that. He's very, very mean (although you've probably guessed by the title. I despise of him so much, and his younger brothers aren't that great either. Anyway, let me tell you the whole story.
As I was gardening peacefully, my eye caught the field of the lushest grass and I couldn’t look at anything else. I remembered when the BMG(Big Mean Goat) tore all my hair off, so I had to make some hair out of grass- horrible!
I liked to garden a lot, although I wasn't very good at it, the grass always died. The goats maintained their grass so well that I always wondered how they did it because all they ever do is eat and eat and eat!
I decided what I was going to do: I would ask the goats if I could play with them on their lovely grass. There was a little bridge that separated our two fields. The BMG saw me and stared. At that moment, I was frightened.
I walked a quarter of the way of the bridge, thinking that the BMG would charge at me like a raging bull. However, he just trotted away when his youngest brother came.
“What do you want then?” asked the small goat in a high-pitched voice. My fear melted away, so I wasn't that scared anymore.
“Could I play in your grass?” I questioned, sounding hopeful. He gave me a weird look and I started trembling.
“I don’t know, if you let me play on your field of grass, I’ll call my older brother,” he squeaked. I nodded and walked to the half-way point of the bridge. The middle-sized goat approached me; his fur was as grey as an elephant’s skin.
“What do you want then?” He asked in a normal voice, standing broad and tall.
“Could I play in your grass?” I questioned, sounding hopeful.
“I don’t know, if you let me play on your field of grass, I’ll call my older brother.
I walked all the way across the bridge and got to their field, my heart started thudding; it was amazing. Looking up at the clouds that were diamond-white, I felt the grass wave about my ankles.
I looked at the flowers with pretty petals. The stems were long and thin, and the petals gleamed: amber yellow, sapphire blue and ruby red.
My fantasy was ruined when I noticed that the BMG was towering over me!
He has an extremely grotesque personality, and when he stares at you with his blood red eyes like the devil; you’ll want to jump up and run away. If his fur was green, he will look like a giant bush. No, a ginormous bush because he had a monster of a body. He was born with spiky teeth like the end of jagged rocks. His hooves are extremely sharp, and his fur is ebony black.
“Go half way across the bridge!” He yelled, in a low voice; I did because I really couldn’t say no. He charged at me with his hooves pointed out, racing across the bridge.
(I was surprised that it didn’t break!) He knocked me right off of the bridge, and I landed with a great thud.
By the time I woke up, there were already rumours about me being some sort of evil troll who lives under the bridge and whoever walks across shall never come back. Quite poetic, eh?
I’ve made my own home under the bridge, and I have become so angry that I tell people to go away if they walk across the bridge, simply because it makes a huge racket!
Oh and you won’t believe this, they’ve published a book about three goats that triumphantly get across the bridge safely. Can you believe that? Well that’s my side of the story…
You believe me?
Don’t you?

tam_ara wrote:This is the troll's story of the Three Billy Goats Gruff. I did this as English homework. Please review and be as critical as you like





The golden sun shimmered over thee field of the lushest grass, and on the lushest grass were beautiful emerald stems- with beautiful petals at the top. Candy floss I'm pretty sure you don't need a hyphen between candy and floss, although you might want to check.) clouds hung in the sky, next to the amazing, (come up with a word other than 'amazing', it seems forced) colourful rainbow; ah summer, great in the morning. And the bushes were like… the BIG MEAN GOATS fur.
As I was gardening peacefully, my eye was caught by the field of the lushest grass I couldn’t look at anything else. I remembered when the BMG(BIG MEAN GOAT) tore all my hair off, so I ended up making some hair out of grass- horrible!
I likeed Try not to switch tenses.to garden a lot, although it never works, the grass just dies away. The goats maintainedtheir grass so well, I always wondered how they did it because all they ever do is eat and eat and EAT!!!
I realised what I was going to do, I wouldask the goats if I could play with them, in on?their lovely grass. There was a little bridge that separated our two fields. The BMG saw me and stared, at that moment I was petrified. terrified? Simply to avoid repetition of the word 'petrified'
Petrified, I walked a quarter of the way of the bridge, thinking that the BMG would charge at me like a raging bull I love the simile. However, he just trotted away when his youngest brother came.
“What do you want then?” asked the small goat in a high-pitched voice. Usually, I would be scared, but this time I wasn’t.
“Could I play in your grass?” I questioned, sounding hopeful. He gave me a weird look and I started trembling.
“I don’t know, if you let me play on your field of grass, I’ll call my older brother,” he squeaked. I nodded and walked to the half-way point of the bridge. The middle-sized goat approached me; his fur was as grey as an elephant’s skin.
“What do you want then?” He asked in a normal voice, standing broad and tall.
“Could I play in your grass?” I questioned, sounding hopeful.
“I don’t know, if you let me play on your field of grass, I’ll call my older brother.
When I got to the field my heart started thudding, it was magical. Looking up at the candy-floss clouds that were diamond-white, I felt the grass wave about my ankles.
I looked at the fantastic (I don't know why but the adjectives you use seem a bit forced, like you just put them there so you could have some sort of adjectiveflowers with pretty petals. The stem was long and thin, and the petals gleamed: amber yellow, sapphire blue and ruby red. *I like the fact that you used gemstones as adjectives, it made the flowers sound magical
My fantasy was ruined when I found out that the BMG was towering over *above* me! Okay, let me tell you a little more about the BMG.
He had an extremely grotesque personality, and when he stared at you with his blood red eyes like the devil you’ll want to jump up and run away. If his fur was green, he would look like a giant bush. No, a ginormous bush because he had a monster of a body. He was born with spiky teeth, like the end of jagged rocks. His hooves were extremely sharp, and his fur [color=#FF0000]was ebony black.
“Go half way across the bridge!” He yelled, in a low voice, I did because I really couldn’t say no. He charged at me with his hooves pointed out, racing across the bridge
(I was surprised that it didn’t break) He knocked me right off of the bridge, and I landed with a great thud.
By the time I woke up, there were already rumours about me being some sort of evil troll who lives under the bridge and whoever walks across shall never come back. Quite poetic, eh?
I’ve made my own home under the bridge, and I have become so angry that I tell people to go away if they walk across the bridge simply because it makes a huge racket!
Oh and you won’t believe this, they’ve published a book about three goats that triumphantly get across the bridge safely. Can you believe that? Well that’s my side of the story…
You believe me?
Don’t you?

That was cute! I love it when people use an old over told story and make something original of it, like you did here. I especially like hearing it from the point of view of the character who is usually considered to be the antagonist! So, good job!
Poor, poor troll, I can really sympathize with him, and that horrible evil goat! xD
Anyway, I did already point out whatever I wanted to point out, in red and blue. I'm not saying you should necessarily do all these things, I just think your story might flow better if you do, but maybe I'm wrong and you're right. Just offering an opinion here!
Good job though!

Yeah, I do have trouble with tenses. My English teacher said I wasn't using enough adjectives, then I kind of went over the top! Anyway, loved the review, it was really heplful!
xx )

Heya tam
Here to review, duh...

The golden sun shimmered over thee field of the lushest grass, and on the lushest grass were beautiful emerald stems- with beautiful petals at the top.

This was phrased kind of awkwardly. Try changing it to something like - The golden sun shimmered over the field of lushest grass, where emerald stems were placed as well as beautiful petals. You don't have to use that exactly, just as an idea!

Candy floss clouds hung in the sky, next to the amazing, colourful rainbow; ah summer, great in the morning. And The bushes were like… the BIG MEAN GOATS fur.

The first comma in this isn't needed. Also, I don't like capitals in a story... they bug me. Maybe you should use exclamation marks instead?

As I was gardening peacefully, my eye was caught by the field of the lushest grass I couldn’t look at anything else.

We get the point, the grass is lushest...

I remembered when the BMG(BIG MEAN GOAT) tore all my hair off, so I ended up making some hair out of grass- horrible!

The BMG is fine here, because it's someone's title. It would look a lot nicer if you wrote it like this though - when the BMG (Big Mean Goat) tore all my hair.

I realised what I was going to do, I would ask the goats if I could play with them, on their lovely grass.

No need for the second comma here.

The BMG saw me and stared. At that moment, I was frightened.

The middle-sized goat approached me; his fur was as grey as an elephant’s skin.

I liked this simile!

“I don’t know, if you let me play on your field of grass, I’ll call my older brother."

When I got to the field, my heart started thudding; it was magical.

The stem was long and thin, and the petals gleamed: amber yellow, sapphire blue and ruby red.

I liked your description here!

My fantasy was ruined when I found out that the BMG was towering over above me!

He had an extremely grotesque personality, and when he stared at you with his blood red eyes like the devil; you’ll want to jump up and run away. If his fur was green, he would look like a giant bush. No, a ginormous bush because he had a monster of a body. He was born with spiky teeth like the end of jagged rocks. His hooves were extremely sharp, and his fur is ebony black.

I really liked your description of the BMG. Although, you had a bit of an issue with changing tenses here.

“Go half way across the bridge!” He yelled, in a low voice, I did because I really couldn’t say no.

The second comma here should be a period or a semi colon.

He charged at me with his hooves pointed out, racing across the bridge

Full stop at the end of this sentence!

I’ve made my own home under the bridge, and I have become so angry that I tell people to go away if they walk across the bridge, simply because it makes a huge racket!

Oh and you won’t believe this, they’ve published a book about three goats that triumphantly get across the bridge safely. Can you believe that? Well that’s my side of the story…

You believe me?

Don’t you?

I loved this ending, it was great!

Overall

I thought that this was a really sweet little story. I loved the idea of it as a whole and I liked how you portrayed the trolls character as a completely innocent guy. I also like some of your descriptions, even though they were a bit much at times. Your spelling was also perfect and your dialogue punctuation was very good too! I epically fail when it comes to dialogue punctuation... seriously...

My main critique is actually your description. Although you use some good description, you tend to use the same words and it sometimes gets a bit much. For example, you used the words 'lushest grass' at the beginning of the story an awful lot. Remember, there is such thing as too much description. I know that you said that your teacher told you that you needed to use more description, but you also need to make sure that you don't use too much! As the story goes on, your description gets better. You add the odd sprinkle of description here and there, which I love! The only real problem is the beginning of your story when it comes to description. You go a bit over the top there, maybe you should cut down a bit?

My only other real nit-pick is your grammar and your tenses. Your grammar wasn't terrible, not by far! There was just the odd dodgy comma here and there and a few missing periods, but except for that, it was fine. Trust me, a lot of people struggle with commas. I myself am bad at using commas correctly, although I've improved a lot lately. I'm pretty confident that there are a few threads around YWS that give advice on comma usage. Maybe you could find one and check it out? When it comes to your tenses, you struggle, don't you? I noticed that you mentioned having a problem with tenses. I'll still mention them anyway. I actually used to have some serious tense issues. The only way I really sorted it out was by practicing my writing. The best way to do it is whenever you're writing, make sure you never use phrase like 'I don't feel happy' say 'I didn't feel happy'. 'He has a dark red coat' say 'He had a dark read coat.'

Other than these nit-picks, I really did like this. I especially liked your MC. It was really cool and original how you wrote this in the POV of the 'evil' troll. The troll who we now know is not so evil, after all! You managed to write it in a kind of fairy-tale style as well, so very well done for that. What I liked the most about the troll was the fact that you made his character realistic. I love how you portrayed him as being innocent and I felt sympathetic towards him, so that was definitely a good thing. I also really liked your BMG character. He seemed mean and I felt like smacking him. The BMG's character actually made me feel more sympathetic to the trolls character as well, considering he was so mean.

Overall, I definitely liked this. The idea was original and I liked the way you wrote the story itself. All that you need to do is clean up those descriptions a bit, sort that grammar out and keep the story in the same tense. If you do that, you will have a really great little story here!

Keep writing! If you want another review, just ask me in my WRFF thread.

xoxo Skins

Hi, I'm Maddy, here to review as you requested.

Just like to start off saying, this story was great!

Nitpicks:
Can't do much here, because a lot of people before me have picked out the major mistakes.

my eye caught the field

I liked to garden a lot, although it never worked. The grass always died. The goats maintained their grass so well that I always wondered how they did it because all they ever do is eat and eat and EAT!!!

I realised what I was going to do: I would ask the goats if I could play with them on their lovely grass.

The BMG saw me and stared, at that moment I became very frightened.

When I got to the field my heart started thudding, it was magical. (err-what? Lose the magical) Looking up at the candy floss clouds that were diamond-white, I felt the grass wave about my ankles. (Before you said he was on the bridge- there’s no grass on the bridge! Please be careful you tell the reader if the troll moves location!)

Characters:
Pretty good! Your betrayal of the innocent troll was entertaining to read.

Overall:
Very good. Your teacher will be impressed. Just be sure to watch your tenses and if something doesn't sound right, read it out loud. It can help you to word your sentences correctly.

-Maddy

Hey again Tam!

You asked me to read over this again and see what I think. I've got to say, it's a lot better now! There are still the odd unnecessary capitals around, but that's just my personal opinion. There are still a few dodgy tenses, but it's not as bad as before, that's for sure. I'm still loving the story, by the way! You've also made it sound less awkward to read, so well done for that.

I'm sorry that I haven't helped you out much here... I just don't really know what else to say! This story has definitely improved since the last time I read it, which makes me smile. I really liked it before, but now I love it! You've also cleaned up your descriptions a bit, which makes the story even more effective.

Once again, sorry this hasn't been much help. You requested for me to check it out again, so I did. I just can't find much to say or advise! Keep doing what you're doing, I guess!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Wierdly I posted a story that is an adaptation of Hansel and Gretel [check it out if you have time please! Link is in my signature] & I also I asked Skins to read over mine too haha! He had to read two fairytale adaptations in one day XD Wierd!

Anyway, now onto the nitpicks!

The golden sun shimmered over the a field of the lushest grass, and on the lushest grass were beautiful emerald stems- with beautiful petals at the top. Candy floss clouds hung in the sky, next to the amazing, colourful rainbow; ah summer, great in the morning. The bushes were like… the Big Mean Goats fur.

For the rainbow part, I'd edit it a little to remove the word 'amazing', which kind of spoils the imagery that you've written well until now: 'next to a colourful rainbow'.
The last line is a bit... out of place. Mainly because your next paragraph doesn't link to it. I think that following that line you should go on to discuss this 'Big Mean Goat' and his fur, as you've written about him, so now the reader is questioning who this 'Big Mean Goat' is, and why his fur is like the bushes.

As I was gardening peacefully, my eye caught the field of the lushest grass and I couldn’t look at anything else. I remembered when the BMG(Big Mean Goat) tore all my hair off, so I ended up had to make some hair out of grass- horrible!

Perhaps this should be the opening paragraph instead? The main character is gardening, he sees the field, then go into description of the field. Then comes in the 'Big Mean Goat' and bush comparison, then the character can start to remember when the BMG tore his hair off and it all links pretty nicely

I liked to garden a lot, although it never worked, the grass always died.

Perhaps change this line to 'although I wasn't very good at it', or 'although no matter how hard I worked on it, the grass always died'.

all they ever do is eat and eat and EAT!!!

I think you could just put 'eat and eat and eat!' and the effect will still be there, without being too in-your-face for the reader.

I realised decided what I was going to do:

At that moment, I was frightened.

Petrified...

You already said he was frightened, you don't need to state again that he was petrified. Maybe instead of saying he was frightened, describe his fear to the reader instead. Perhaps his knees are buckling? Or he perspires with fear, instead?

“What do you want then?” asked the small goat in a high-pitched voice. Usually I would be scared, but this time I wasn’t.

But, he is scared. You already told us he was... maybe you should say that his fear melted away instead? Or he had a second-wind of bravery?

The middle-sized goat approached me; his fur was as grey as an elephant’s skin.

Nice description

Looking up at the candy floss clouds that were diamond-white, I felt the grass wave about my ankles.

I wouldn't re-use the 'candy floss clouds' description. It's nice, but you already used it.

The stem was stems were long and thin, and the petals gleamed: amber yellow, sapphire blue and ruby red.

My fantasy was ruined when I found out that the BMG was towering over me!

'looked up to see', or 'noticed that' would be better.

Okay, let me tell you a little more about the BMG.

You don't need this line here, you can just go straight into describing the goat.

“Go half way across the bridge!” He yelled, in a low voice; I did because I really couldn’t say no. He charged at me with his hooves pointed out, racing across the bridge.

(I was surprised that it didn’t break!) He knocked me right off of the bridge, and I landed with a great thud.

This should all be one paragraph.

You believe me?

Don’t you?

Again, this would be better in one paragraph: 'You believe me? Don't you?"


Overall I thought this was a really nice reworking of the tale where we got to see the Troll's point of view There was some really nice description going on and you really got inside the character's head. Excepting a few structural choices that I think could be edited (I mentioned them above) I think it's a really great piece! As it's for school, I hope you get a good grade haha! Good luck

This was really cute lol, besides your misuse of tense here and there, it was okay.
I would also warn against using abbreviations such as BMG as well as words like Ginormous.
Though it was was recently added to the "New Dictionary" it probably won't pass as proper in
the classroom. Besides that I think your writing is definitely above par for someone of your age, especially
judging by your dialogue which was quite good.

I love stories that take classic stories and turn the bad guy good! I think this is a cute and really good. Everybody else covered the grammer and things so.... Anyway, great work!