Young Writers Society

you shall see none of me when I am gone
my words felled in the silent wake of a cut tongue
not a cricket shall peep from
the fields where battles were waged
man against man
creed against creed
word against word

I being the faint leper as well
as the silent sister of mary
at the tip of the Saracen sword

I am passed redemption
passed the men who speak Italian

I am in the Kingdom
but have no stone

and you shall see no more of me
when I am gone

my mosque and sepulcure
unhinged to build anothers

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highly influenced by watching Kingdom of Heaven

This put me in a mentality of silence, and I liked the sort of divine point of view it had. The fragmented end really added to its strength, I believe.

thanks hon.

CL

Absolutely cracking imagery; made me sad just reading it.

I've got a couple of whines, though:

-PUNCTUATION! Enjambemant is all well and good, but you've not used a *single* bit of the 'ole punc; tsk. How am I suppose to get a feel for the flow, if I don't know where to pause? It doesn't seem to me like you want this to run at a pace and a half... slow it down!
-you need an apostrophe in 'anothers' at the end.
-some words need capitals.. like 'Sister of Mary.'

your first sentance is very strong, and so is your last line; with those two, you've got onto a real winner. I'm not entirely certain you need all those line breaks in the second half, but they don't damage it too badly. Finally, I think you could extend it into other themes a bit as well, make it longer.

Out of all of those, DO THE PUNC!

That's all good poem.

I will bow to the PUNC. Thanks bob.