Young Writers Society

everyone's watching
but i feel so unpretty
everyone's moving
and i can't make a sound
why does it feel
like there are no empty spaces?
then the vision is over
i slam into the ground

the doctor is humming
as he looks for a murder
the woman is shaking
as she paints my eyes shut
why does it feel
like there are tears all around me?
then the vision is over
and i can't feel at all

my mother, sweet mother,
never notices the horror
my father, dear father,
never falters a step
why does it feel
like everyone has failed me?
then the vision is over
and the failure begins.

wow.
this was so good.
specifically

"the woman is shaking
as she paints my eyes shut "

and

my mother, sweet mother,
never notices the horror
my father, dear father,
never falters a step
why does it feel
like everyone has failed me?

overall---amazing

Wow I really liked this. It was very sad though, you have to admit, but it was so beautiful.. something that sort of stood out to me was in the first paragraph the 4th and last line seemd to rhyme at the best time possible... but it didn't continue throughout the poem. It was still a beautifully decent poem though, you have to admit.

Thanks a bunch for your prompt crits you two! And I also didn't notice that rhyming in the third stanza, TBR, so I'll look over it tonight and see what I can come up with.