z

Young Writers Society


Thinking of you



User avatar
36 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 36
Fri Dec 02, 2005 2:22 am
armonia says...



I sit here in my room,
Rocking in my chair.
Wasting my life away my live with T.V.
Thinking of you,
I think of your smile.
Which I love when you do.
But for some odd reason it embarasses you.
i think of the following day,
and how it will go.
but seeing your smile makes it all worth it.
from school to homework for homework to bed.
just knowing your happy,
covers all i just said.
amor, pérdida, y la vida vivimos en medio.
  





User avatar
36 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 36
Fri Dec 02, 2005 2:23 am
armonia says...



There was a few miss prints in there im going to post it again
amor, pérdida, y la vida vivimos en medio.
  





User avatar
36 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 36
Fri Dec 02, 2005 2:25 am
armonia says...



I sit here in my room,
Rocking in my chair.
Wasting my life away with T.V.
Thinking of you,
I think of your smile.
Which I love when you do.
But for some odd reason it embarasses you.
i think of the following day,
and how it will go.
but seeing your smile makes it all worth it.
from school to homework for homework to bed.
just knowing your happy,
covers all i just said.
amor, pérdida, y la vida vivimos en medio.
  





User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 990
Reviews: 4
Fri Dec 02, 2005 9:45 pm
Nymph says...



It's poignant, full of feelings etc. which is lovely may I add. :wink:

But I think you forgot a few typos the second time round:

from school to homework for homework to bed.
just knowing your happy,
covers all i just said.


(Just a couple - nothing frightening)


I sit here in my room,
Rocking in my chair.
Wasting my life away my live with T.V. .........mornful atmosphere :cry:
Thinking of you,
I think of your smile.
Which I love when you do. ...don't force rhyming. This sentence is a bit *hesitates* odd.
But for some odd reason it embarasses you.
i think of the following day,
and how it will go.
but seeing your smile makes it all worth it. ... Makes what all worth it? Confusing
from school to homework for homework to bed.
just knowing your happy,
covers all i just said...... :?: :?:



I like the idea. Maybe with a bit of work.......


Btw - your avatar rawks!!!!!!!
  





User avatar
37 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 37
Sat Dec 03, 2005 2:15 am
Amice says...



This doesn't seem to have any coherent thought pattern or point.
Wouldn't be too hard on a Novice (I'm not exactly a writer myself), but do try to determine a theme/idea/emotion you want to communicate.
Try again :wink:

-Amice-
  








I would be a terrible novel protagonist.
— mellifera