A Deadly Promise

XxjustmeXx wrote:I lay here upon my casket
blood red rose upon my chest
crimson pours from my cuts - be more dramatic - try 'pours from the chasm' or something like that.
dripping down my arm - the poem goes dead here. Spice up that line! 'torrenting down my limbs' ect
puddling (childish word choice: try congealing, clotting, or if you want to be really dramtic, try: 'a mirror of red')
beneath my final resting place

black silk dances in the wind
wrapping around my thighs
kissing me goodbye

all at once my world is gone
I'm falling into the deepest pits of Hell
flames licking ( reminds me of a dog. Try, ie hissing) at my every inch

great big ( again, sounds childish - try painful ect) tears fall with sorrow
you could have saved me
if only you had cared
I might still have been in that graveyard
not in the Devil's playpin playpen

but - scrap that you held nothing but disgust
no compassion or love

so here I am
awaiting your entry
for surely this is where you'll come
and when you finally come
you'll be mine at last
and I promise, sweet boy
I'll never let you go