Crucifixion

Soft words carried on a sunken wind,
beaten until mournful.
Across the plains of darkness,
and into the shriveled light,
they revealed themselves.

Reliving their abusive past,
lies and betrayal,
written in stone,
as the prophecies of their kind fortold.

Not unlike diamonds,
their value in the sky,
they brought whispers of the aching,
the burning,
the ravaging they brought so clearly to my bloody past.

When you love you don't let go,
nor did these.
When they reached my hollow burial ground,
like a storm on high tide,
they destroyed my last stronghold.

Crucified,
hung above what was left of my world,
I moved on.

I came back.

The shadowy depths of my hell brought new wisdom.
The light I had seen so sharply,
bloodred,
had gone.

I realized my fateful mistake,
and embrased.
Like a lightning bolt,
I rose from my new grave.

The blood of my crucifixion lay on the ground,
splattered around a faded cross.
But I saw none of it,
focused on the new light.

It was not unlike the sun,
faded around the edges,
but so distinctly defined in the middle.

I drew closer to the light,
realizing what it was I drew a final breath.
The end was near,
but for me,
I learned,
to come face to face with death,
is to come face to face with certain annihilation.

-thestorygirl

First of all, I want to point out a few words:

"Crucification" is spelled "crucifixion." "Embrased" is either "embarrassed" or "embraced," not quite sure which you meant there. And finally, "inialation" is "annihilation" (if that's what you meant also).

As a poem, I loved the images. Really good concrete images. Although I would suggest less commas; they got distracting. Rewrite each stanza as a sentence and see if it still makes sense with the commas in place. Odds are, it doesn't. You can probably get rid of a lot of them. Also, "it was not unlike the sun" threw me a bit, I think partly because you had already used "not unlike" (the "diamonds" stanza) and partly because, I don't know, I feel like metaphors should have a bit more conviction. It wasn't "not unlike the sun" - it was "LIKE the sun." Tell your readers, "it was like the sun." You know?

Anyways, as I said, great images, and overall I think it was a really good piece.

~Blue

Hello! Just dropped by for a quick review. I really liked this piece. It flowed smoothly and you used some pretty powerful imagery. However, sadly your spelling and grammer brought this piece down. I agree with Blue that many corrections need to be made. I haven't much else to say. Well done, make a few spelling adjustments, and this will be a fab piece of poetry. Keep writing!
~ Amelia

Cruci-fixation, or Crucifiction? I really liked the piece, and I'll promise a full review if you clean up the title. I like the pun, if it is indeed intended!

Yeah I know, I have lots of spelling issues. I think I fixed them.

Hello. Here as requested.

I was pleasantly surprised that you didn't do a blatant religious poem with this title, at least at the start. Even as you got towards the end it was mostly undertones which supplemented the poem nicely.

That being said, there is a decent amount of work to do with this.

Firstly, your formatting is a bit bland. It is not required in poetry to have a comma at the end of every line break; in fact, it can really hurt your flow if you do that. The flow hurting happened here, and it can be rather easily fixed by writing out each line like you would any other sentence, then adding in linebreaks in unusual places. Then you have grammatically correct sentences that tend to flow along better, and interest from the linebreaks themselves.

Next, there's a mild transition issue in here. Your time between "fallen stronghold" and "crucified" is very short— short enough to make me do a double take because the topic change was so quick. Spread it out, put maybe a reason why it went from "taking over" to "crucifixion" in the first place. It would help fill in some context and slow the poem down.

Also, your metaphors and similes. [Metaphor= this is that; Simile= this is like that] Certain lines like this:

Like a lightning bolt,
I rose from my new grave.

Do not make much sense when you read them. While lightning bolts do travel upwards, they travel downwards at the same time. Sometimes they just travel straight downwards. It depends on the type of lightning. However, this is only after thinking. Making metaphors a bit more logical on first read will help readers follow the poem more easily.

You did have a lot of nice lines in here, and the line I quoted above is more an anomaly. But do keep that in mind for the future.

Your end message felt a bit weak for me. Primarily because it comes out of nowhere. You start on the topic of rebirth and just keep one stanza to spring on the reader it's a final death. Again, spend a bit more time expanding the idea so readers aren't left wondering where the rest of the poem is.

Overall, it was decent. Mostly it was your flow and pace that pulled me out of this. The flow is a semi easy fix, and the pace just requires making sure everything has enough words about it the reader can understand. "Enough" does not mean a lot of words, necessarily, but more a feeling that's left for the reader. Short poems with short lines can be just as effective as long poems with long lines for giving feeling. Experiment to find your style.

PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey