Do you? Are you? Can you?

Spoiler

I really wasn't aiming for perfection in this poem; this is more of a spur-of-the-moment kind of vent, and while writing , I found myself to be in the rhyming mood.

Your expectations of me
Has me lifting up this entire world;
Going outside the boundaries of my own strength,
And yet, still you continue to hurl:

“You don’t know what’s best for yourself,
Why is that so hard to see!?”

But dearest one,
When was the last time you had a good look at me?

Do you know the storms that reside in my heart?
Are you there amongst my struggle, as I am taken away and torn apart?
Can you see the hell that unfolds before my very eyes?
Do you know the mask, my deceptive guise?
Are you so blind to the pressure that you force onto me?
Can you read my mind, as I beg and plea?
Do you know the control that you no longer bear?
Are you ready to release me from your death grip, and give to me back my air?
Can you see that I am the maker of my own fate?
And do you now know it’s not a matter of debate?

2011 Vincent Cuccolo

Do you know the storms that reside in my heart?
Are you there amongst my struggle,
as I am taken away and torn apart?
Can you see the hell that unfolds before my very eyes?
Do you know the mask, my deceptive guise?
Are you so blind to the pressure that you force onto me?
Can you read my mind, as I beg and plea?
Do you know the control that you no longer bear?
Are you ready to release me from your death grip,
and give to me back my air?
Can you see that I am the maker of my own fate?
And do you now know it’s not a matter of debate?

Wanted to say you should shorten those two lines like this so they are around the same length so its easier to flow. Very good job. The descriptions in this poem paints a very clear picture in my head which makes it great. Good luck and keep up the good work. Hope to read more of your words soon!!! Happy Writing!
Soulkana<3

I like your suggestion, Soulkana! Thank you, and happy writing to you as well!

This was an amazing poem for being a spur of the moment thing. It was truly beautiful.

I totally know where your coming from with your parents. My parents never went to college and since I've accomplished more than they ever possibly could when they were my age they think I'm this amazing child that is going to get a full-ride scholarship or something, even though I think I'm just average for my age and there's a lot of things I hate about my intelligence. So I love this poem!

But dearest one,
When was the last time you had a good look at me?

I was kind of confused of who was talking during this stanza. Because during the one before it you had in quotation marks to show it was the parents, but this one seemed like it was the parents but I wasn't sure. It could have been you, but

But dearest one,

Kind of threw me off.

Do you know the storms that reside in my heart?
Are you there amongst my struggle, as I am taken away and torn apart?
Can you see the hell that unfolds before my very eyes?
Do you know the mask, my deceptive guise?
Are you so blind to the pressure that you force onto me?
Can you read my mind, as I beg and plea?
Do you know the control that you no longer bear?
Are you ready to release me from your death grip, and give to me back my air?
Can you see that I am the maker of my own fate?
And do you now know it’s not a matter of debate?

I loved this part. It sounded so beautiful and poem like.

If there was one thing I would suggest it would be breaking that last stanza up a bit so the entire poem looked better and flowed a little more.

Keep writing!

Hello!
Well I did enjoy this...I loved how apt it was...in this day and age parents can pressure us in ways sometimes we don't like. I thought you showed that fact to your reader rather beautifully. Here's a nitpick...

PoeticGlow wrote:Your expectations of me
Has ( I think the correct grammar is have ) me lifting up this entire world;
Going outside the boundaries of my own strength,
And yet, still you continue to hurl:

“You don’t know what’s best for yourself,
Why is that so hard to see!?”

But dearest one,
When was the last time you had a good look at me?

Do you know the storms that reside in my heart?
Are you there amongst ( ermmm...wrong word, I think you need to reword this sentence. Try: Are you witnesses of my struggle ect) my struggle, as I am taken away and torn apart?
Can you see the hell that unfolds before my very eyes?
Do you know the mask, my deceptive guise?
Are you so blind to the pressure that you force onto me?
Can you read my mind, as I beg and plea?
Do you know the control that you no longer bear? ( what does this sentence mean exactly...?)
Are you ready to release me from your death grip, and give to me back my air?
Can you see that I am the maker of my own fate?
And do you now know it’s not a matter of debate?

All-in-all, a great poem. Keep up the great work,
~ Amelia

Hello there, AmeliaCogin! Thanks for your feedback! Allow me to try and make some clarity for you:

"Do you know the control that you no longer bear?" ( what does this sentence mean exactly...?)

This sentence is actually pointing back to the 1st stanza, about the idea of expectations. I am basically telling the audience that I AM now in control of my own life, and I will follow no one else's expectations but my own.

Hope that helped!

-PG

Heyy there =]. Over all this poem is really good. Your word choice is absolutely fantastic. It's refreshing to see that not everyone has a limited vocabulary. I like the way that you set the poem up, and the flow is nice as well. I don't know if I would change anything to be honest. I'm the type of writer, and critic, that thinks that the an author writes things the way that they do on purpose, so I don't change many things when I write or read. I think it's really great and the emotion you have is really good, even if it was just a venting piece. Keep it up =]

Thanks for the kind and wonderful feedback, tydecker777! I am usually very simple on my word choices, and don't like to write down anything complex! I believe that sometimes, simplicity is the way to go! Thanks again!

-PG

I was reading one of your other poems(one) and thought good, but then I read this one and thought WOW!! This is definitely one of my favorites I've read here and I can personally relate to the poem. Parents can be controlling these days.

Thank you, matthewmazer! I agree: some parents are too pushy, and at some point, we as individuals need to put our foot down, because in the end, it's OUR lives, not theirs!

color=#FF0000]This was really fun to read. Some of it was kind of confusing.[/color]

Your expectations of me
Has me lifting up this entire world;
Going outside the boundaries of my own strength,
And yet, still you continue to hurl:

I thought the beginning was really good, but I don't really think 'hurl' rhymes with 'world'.

“You don’t know what’s best for yourself,
Why is that so hard to see!?”

I don't really get these lines. Are you quoting your parents? Also, these lines didn't really seem to fit, maybe different wording.

But dearest one,
When was the last time you had a good look at me?

I was a bit confused on who you were talking to. And again, I think you should re-think the wording again on this. But I like the simplicity of these lines and the emotion.

Do you know the storms that reside in my heart?
Are you there amongst my struggle, as I am taken away and torn apart?
Can you see the hell that unfolds before my very eyes?
Do you know the mask, my deceptive guise?
Are you so blind to the pressure that you force onto me?
Can you read my mind, as I beg and plea?
Do you know the control that you no longer bear?
Are you ready to release me from your death grip, and give to me back my air?
Can you see that I am the maker of my own fate?
And do you now know it’s not a matter of debate?

First off, I think that having it all bunched up made it difficult to read, but that's just my opinion. I didn't really think that

Do you know the control that you no longer bear?
Are you ready to release me from your death grip, and give to me back my air?[/

color]
[color=#FF0000]really quite fit, different wording perhaps, or maybe you could just shorten the second line. I like the image though.

My favorite lines are:

Can you see the hell that unfolds before my very eyes?
Do you know the mask, my deceptive guise?

Very relatable and creative.

I enjoyed reading this and I think that the best work comes out when you're feeling some kind of strong emotion. I think anger is one of these emotions. Keep up the work.

Nice poem! I love your poetic diction. It was self-explanatory making the imagery quite easy to visualise. I also love the voice. It was compelling and it makes the reader want to believe in your predicament. I like the subject matter of the poem because readers our age can easily relate to it. All in all the poem is a good one and I love your style of simplicity. Truly simplicity is the way to go!

Temi, I couldn't agree with you more! Thanks a bunch for the feedback!

Wow. You captured exactly how I feel with my parents sometimes. Great work!
My favorite line:

Do you know the storms that reside in my heart?

Amazing piece!