Ballroom

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GiggleGremlin
Gender Female
Points 1704
Reviews 35
Sun Apr 03, 2011 10:05 am
GiggleGremlin says... · Sun Apr 03, 2011 10:05 am
I have been working on this for ages and I've been so wanting to post this :D I really hope you like it and understand it and please comment anything!!


Somewhere on an endless plane,
You reached for me to dance,
And a thousand lifeless, envious eyes,
Watched as I took your hand.

Come dance with me your echo,
Of a brilliant nearby sun,
My swirling heart of ocean,
Pulled by subtle moonlit charm.

Guide my seasons of hesitation,
Waltz’s of winter and fall.
Under your hand night flowers bloom,
And life springs from the soil.

My life is in the dances we dance,
Your love in the mirrored sunshine,
So let the stars whisper
And the planets talk,
Because we’ll orbit
Till the end of time.
Last edited by GiggleGremlin on Mon Apr 25, 2011 10:18 am, edited 4 times in total.
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ahmedBurooj
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 23
Sun Apr 03, 2011 11:15 am
ahmedBurooj says... · Sun Apr 03, 2011 11:15 am
GiggleGremlin wrote:I have been working on this for ages and I've been so wanting to post this :D I really hope you like it and understand it and please comment anything!!


Somewhere on an endless plane,
You reached for me to dance,
And a thousand lifeless, envious eyes,
Watched as I took your hand.

Come dance with me your echo,(this doesn't quite make sense; ECHO?!)
Of a brilliant nearby sun,
My swirling dress of ocean,
Pulled by (Your?)subtle moonlit charm.

Watch my seasons of hesitation,
Waltz’s of winter, Fall.
Under your gaze night flowers bloom,
And life spouts from the soil.

My life is in the dances we dance,
Your love in the glowing moonshine,
Let the stars whisper
And the planets talk,
Because we’ll orbit
Till the end of time.

Good job! :)
Why can't we have drops of sunshine, and rays of rain?
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Yanni1995
Gender Female
Points 1683
Reviews 64
Sun Apr 03, 2011 1:05 pm
Yanni1995 says... · Sun Apr 03, 2011 1:05 pm
This is a very beautiful poem. I really didn't find anything wrong with it but yeah, I understand what you mean. Good job!
Writing is not simply 'telling', it is also 'showing'. ~ Yanni1995
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Matthews
Gender Female
Points 4870
Reviews 145
Sun Apr 03, 2011 9:55 pm
Matthews says... · Sun Apr 03, 2011 9:55 pm
It's pretty, but I'm sorry, I don't get it...Is it supposed to be like the earth and sky in harmony or something?
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
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NerdBurga
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Mon Apr 04, 2011 3:46 am
NerdBurga says... · Mon Apr 04, 2011 3:46 am
Yeah so I really like it.. :)
I think it has beautiful language and great metaphors. One thing is I can see why some might not get what it's about. Maybe you could use a few more extra verses to describe what you're talking about?
Love it though <3
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NerdBurga
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laylaflame
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Points 2209
Reviews 39
Mon Apr 04, 2011 10:49 am
laylaflame says... · Mon Apr 04, 2011 10:49 am
DONT CHANGE IT! i love it, who cares if the stupid people out there dont get it:P
i think you have an awesome idea here and i like the way you find out little hints about what its about throughout the peom. Seriously tho i thinks it great. i hate you-_-

-Layla Flamemememe!!
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GiggleGremlin
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Reviews 35
Mon Apr 04, 2011 11:41 am
GiggleGremlin says... · Mon Apr 04, 2011 11:41 am
Thanks Laylie :) And thanks everyone for the reviews ^_^
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alwaysjustme
Gender None specified
Points 1425
Reviews 13
Mon Apr 25, 2011 8:38 pm
alwaysjustme says... · Mon Apr 25, 2011 8:38 pm
I like it alot. Its a little hard to understand but I think alot of great poetry can be hard to understand lol. I like the deep meaning and its just a really nice poem. check out my poetry? pleaseee
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mellophone7
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Mon Apr 25, 2011 11:14 pm
mellophone7 says... · Mon Apr 25, 2011 11:14 pm
I love this!! I'm getting a total feel of prince/princess, medieval, true love, etc. It's awesome! Don't change it! :)
"The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean." -Robert Louis Stevenson
"Write or die trying."
JA hatar pisanje.
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GiggleGremlin
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Tue Apr 26, 2011 12:33 am
GiggleGremlin says... · Tue Apr 26, 2011 12:33 am
Thankyou everyone for the comments =D
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CuteJackRussell
Gender Female
Points 2829
Reviews 106
Tue Apr 26, 2011 4:01 am
CuteJackRussell says... · Tue Apr 26, 2011 4:01 am
Hi there,

I really liked the emotion portrayed in this poem and I found it great from the beginning to the end. I particularly enjoyed reading the third stanza because of the amazing words and adjective's you used. Great language in this :D. I liked the general flow in this piece of poetry and I found it all very relevant. The theme of this poem is also new, creative and inventive. Don't even consider changing anything in this poem (it's absolutely awesome! :D) Nothing bad in this at all, keep up the great writing!!!

From CuteJackRussell
Hello,
I doubt you will take the time to look at this signature, you are all busy people and I respect that, but if you do know this. Every bit of criticism on my writing has helped and every bit of advice you have given me has also helped. So thank you, for everything.
From CuteJackRussell xoxox
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11 posts


Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
— Sigmund Freud