Prosperity (or A Promising Site For Development)

This is the first poem I have wriiten in a long while (And the first I am really happy with) so please leave feed back

*Contains one use of strong language*


It flows right through me,
This Urbane Landscape,
This Concrete Jungle,
This Fucking Wasteland.

I feel in my brain;
Those damn microwaves,
Neurosis grips me,
Am I really here?

Look at the grateful,
See them commuting,
Those glass buildings;
Their false Renaissance.

It gets the better of me,
I feel so Cold;
Cold and Frightened,
Is this all there is?

I see her coming,
I see her loving,
She warms me up.
One day we’ll escape;
somewhere green.

Hello there Since you're relatively new, welcome to YWS!

At first I really did not get what was going on in this poem. I think the major problem is the choppiness of everything. It made everything very robotic. What liked about it was the depth and how well thought out each stanza is, despite the choppiness.
Keep writing and good luck

Thnks for the advice!

*thanks*

I found the ending kind of funny: not because of the actual piece. The actual piece was powerful, and very serious. But as I read it, Tom Waits sang "when all the world is green". Perfect timing right there.

Anyways- onto the actual review.

It flows right through me, You say "it" several times throughout the poem, without ever actually making it entirely clear what "it" is. Is it the neurosis you reference later? Is it her? I think that this would be stronger with the actual meaning instead of withholding it, because it is, in a way, the subject of the entire poem.
This Urbane Landscape, Did you mean "Urban" here? "Urbane" means elegant, whereas "Urban" means modern.
This Concrete Jungle, Personally, I think that you could replace this line with something else-- we've all heard this phrase before, and despite the awesome imagery it brings up, it's a little cliche.
This Fucking Wasteland.

In my opinion, you don't need to capitalize each title-- they don't need to be titles, but would be stronger as real descriptions. I think that people tend to dismiss the depth and meaning behind titles because they're so often dramaticized in real life. Descriptions though, those catch people's thoughts.

I feel it?in my brain;
Those damn microwaves, This line feels a bit disjointed to me. Not because of rhythm or anything, but the actual concept. I think that if you want to use this image, you need to elaborate so the reader can know the entire meaning that you're trying to portray.
Neurosis grips me,
Am I really here?

Look at the grateful, I feel like you place too many positive connotations with the word "grateful" here. You want us to resent these people, it seems, yet you give them a nice light here. I feel like there should be something about them being too easily satisfied in life, or ignorant, maybe even just simple-minded. Perhaps I read you wrong in your tone, but that's what I got from it.
See them commuting,
Those glass buildings;
Their false Renaissance. Really like this last line

I think that you could (again) elaborate on the commute, maybe describe their blank expressions as they tune out, or their roadrage that's really ignited so easily because they're so tired of their lives... something. I'd bring some more emotion into it though, and give more specific descriptions.

It gets the better of me, (There's the "it" again )
I feel so Cold; Capitalizing "Cold" here and "Frightened" felt a bit weird to me. I think that while it gives some nice emphasis, you could instead italicize it or something. The capitalization kind of feels weird rhythmically, I think.
Cold and Frightened,
Is this all there is? Simple little line, but carries a lot-- nice.

Nice set-up for the next stanza... provides a great contrast.

I see her coming,
I see her loving,
She warms me up.
One day we’ll escape; I think that if you gave a (really) brief mention as to where you'd escape from, it would bring a lot more emotion to the line. I know that you've been doing that for the majority of the piece, but being articulate about it in this last stanza would bring a lot.
somewhere green. Nice simplicity, again. Evokes nice images, but allows the reader to imagine at the same time.

Overall:
Okay, I'm just going to start with this: I'm an imagery addict. I love my imagery, and generally over-do it. However, I DO think, even objectively, putting aside my love for imagery, that you could use some more. This is a very simply stated piece, and while that can be very effective, I think that you've passed up some opportunities for really powerful emotion. Maybe just play with the word choice if you want to keep it short, but I would edit in some more specified ideas.
However, I really do like this. It was perfect because of the song I was listening to and was well written taking everything into account. So good job!
Looking forward to reading more from you!

-Coral-

I was kind-of lost in this. I thought you put good word choice and placement in it.

your imagery is simply beautyfull, i can perfectly relate to the character who needs to go somwhere green, somewhere better. it is really a good poem, it flows and acts as one, creating a scene which is easily followed but yet has a deeper meaning

This is a little bare for me, but probably because my work tends to be overly liguistic - I like more flow. The poem seems a little short for the extreme range of emotion. I feel a little more expansion on the emotions of the poem would definitely benefit. Aside from that, I really do like the idea behind the poem...I'm sure a lot of people feel this way and you've put forth the feeling in a very interesting way. Even though I over-word my stuff, I do like a lot of the words you chose, and where you decided to place them, especially the last two stanzas.

I liked the feel and imagery in this poem. Though you did warn about language, I don't feel like it adds to the piece in any way. I feel like it was more just randomly placed there. Besides that little thing I really liked it.