I left you in winter

Really unsure about this! I could take a fair guess at what you might say about it so PLEASE review. This is just a piece I wrote late one night, really late, so any criticism is warmly welcomed.


I left you in winter
When the air grew cold
I denied you my stories
Of the legends of old

No longer will you hear
Of the strong, proud, wild and free
For they left you in winter
They left beside me

With no one left to warm you
You realise your misdeed
And in this realisation
This message you did heed

Remember even legends
Have a weakness in their heart
No one is made of concrete
Many still afraid of dark

You cannot live with no one
A soul mate you must find
But a soul mate you will lose
If you maintain your state of mind

My legends may be faulty
My logic may be weak
But, my dear, I left in winter
Now spring be at your feet

You see now what I’m preaching
So change your state of mind
A legend you could be
If a soul mate you can find

Okay, first thing is to stop stressing. It shows in the rhyme, meter, and even the tone of your poem/lyric thingy. You have a valid, original idea, if not a bit cliched by your urgent nature, and you create a good picture, so CALM DOWN. You're seriously cutting the meter here, just so that it'll look better, or so that it'll fit the tune you have in your head. Let go of the tune/song! This is poetry we're talking about, not actual music that people are listening to intently as you sing it in your head. No one will know. Seriously. Overall, you got he idea right, but you need to let go and let the poetry flow. Cheers!
-Ligea

Hey, I really liked this! Like Ligea said above, stop stressing! I think your writing is really good! Keep it up

Hey, I have a few suggestions.

I left you in winter
When the air grew cold (This line seems a bit too obvious. Everyone knows the air is cold in winter. Try describing it in a more unique way)
I denied you my stories
Of the legends of old

No longer will you hear (I think this would sound better as "You will no longer hear")
Of the strong, proud, wild and free
For they left you in winter
They left beside me (I like these last two lines)

With no one left to warm you
You realise your misdeed (realized)
And in this realisation (realization)
This message you did heed (Awkward wording)

Remember even legends
Have a weakness in their heart
No one is made of concrete
Many still afraid of dark (Awkward wording)

You cannot live with no one
A soul mate you must find
But a soul mate you will lose (This line and the line before it would sound better if the structure was reversed Ex: "You must find a soul mate")
If you maintain your state of mind

My legends may be faulty
My logic may be weak
But, my dear, I left in winter
Now spring be at your feet (Awkward wording)

You see now what I’m preaching
So change your state of mind
A legend you could be
If a soul mate you can find

I love some of the recurring elements and ideas you have here (legends, winter, storytelling), but this poem is crippled by its wordings. There are many parts that seem rushed and awkward, and you jump in and out of rhyme schemes. This poem has great potential, but it needs a careful combing over. If you decide to revise it, send me a PM, I would definitely like to see it.

Thanks Everyone for the reviews!

Night, I'll be sure to go over it and try to incorrporate some of your suggestions. Also, With the word Realise/realize, I'm Aussie and that's how we spell it =p I always get picked up on it on YWS but it's accepted spelling here. Thanks again for your help. I apreciate it!

BeckFletch. xx

Hey this is a really powerful piece of writing. I really like the short wording and sharp sentences. Like all the other people who have commented, you have absolutely nothing to worry about!
Just one sentence that I think has weird wording:
"Of the legends of old" I don't know it just sounds funny for some reason, maybe it's just me

God job, keep writing