Not Everything

This is my version of emo poetry. ^_^




Collapsing heart;
each valve too drowned in sorrow
to continue this arduous beating;
there really is no point,
not when life feels so much like death.
Everything was so simple before.

The legs go next,
down onto the concrete,
scrapes and blood unnoticed.
They meant nothing, when everything else
in the world hurt so much more.
Would there be a reason to get up again?

Each raindrop
seemed to pound in a lesson just learned
with an amused smirk,
brutally, painfully, a lesson with more meaning than anything else:
Not everything in this world of ours is good.

Hiyah, Persephoneia. You write more poetry than I do in a month...wow. Anyway! This poem was super good. I liked it and thought it was "Deep." * Shrugs*

I couldn't find any wrong grammar, but I did feel like your first sentence was too long, but...I don't know - I guess it's just me?
And then there comes the raindrop...What's that all about? Are you walking in the rain? Is it a metaphor for tears (if so, it's unclear)?

Well, good job over all. I like it. Write on and PM me for anything.

Hiya!
I really liked it. It was very emotional and I liked all the connections you made...
But... for the raindrop.. I took it as you (or who ever it be you were writing about) was crying for each lesson learned in the world? Correct? Maybe not... if not.. maybe make it a little more clear. Otherwise VERRRRRY GOOD! Haha.
But I did like the connections you made with each line.
Collapsing heart;
each valve too drowned in sorrow
to continue this arduous beating;
there really is no point, Though this line was a bit long
not when life feels so much like death.
Everything was so simple before.

The legs go next,
down onto the concrete,
scrapes and blood unnoticed. I liked this.... it almost told a story.. and it gave a very clear, clean image
They meant nothing, when everything else
in the world hurt so much more.
Would there be a reason to get up again?

Each raindrop Is this crying?
seemed to pound in a lesson just learned
with an amused smirk,
brutally, painfully, a lesson with more meaning than anything else:
Not everything in this world of ours is good.



Very good writing and I hope to see more. No grammar errors, and pretty much all very clear. You use an excellent amount of emotion! I liked it and know many people can connect o it!!!
________________Hayley_________________

My feelings are pretty mixed on this poem. I enjoyed (as always) your structure, language and rhythm. You have a very distinctive style that sets you apart from other writers and I like that a lot.
The last stanza felt disconnected from the rest though, which didn't really allow me to get an overall feeling about the poem. The raindrops were a too sudden and somewhat confusing turn for me, and I didn't like the bluntness of the final line.
I liked your idea of the progressive collapse of your body, and would love to see a version of this in which that idea is developed fully.