Anguish

That moment
In which you can't move
Can't think
Can't speak
Can't even cry
Can only stand there,
Swallowing down sounds and thoughts
And screams
Such violent screams
You try to think
But stop yourself
You're in enough pain already

Everything seems to shut down around you
Stops
Slowly
As you try to comprehend what just happened
What you just heard

How can I make this better?
How can I fix it?
How can I undo what has been done?

You realize you can't,
That everything has changed
And nothing will be the same
Because everything has fallen apart,
Not at the seams,
All nice and neatly,
But torn apart from the middle
With as much pain and rage as there could possibly be

When you realize
That the one you love
Is gone for good
And then,
Your breath escapes
And you can't draw in anymore
And panic
So much panic

But then,
Eventually,
The pain rises up in your throat
With a scream and a screech
And a hollow yell of anguish
Driving through your veins
You can't hear it
Only feel it throughout your body
And then you wake up
And fall down
To feel the wetness
Of tears on your face
Because you'll never again
Feel the warmth of their embrace.

I felt like you talking directly to me. That was amazing. I can't tell you how many times I have felt that way. You summed everything up in an amazing poem. That was breathe taking.

This was really well written and relatable. It seemed like you were talking to the reader instead of just writing the poem. The only thing is maybe add some more punctuation in certain places, where theres not enough or you're just missing it.It makes the poem flow better. Really nice piece =D

That moment, (the comma means your'e referring to the moment, if thats what you want)
In which you can't move,
Can't think,
Can't speak,
Can't even cry,
Can only stand there, (since you're listing the things you can and can't do)
Swallowing down sounds and thoughts (you can put a comma there if you want to better separate screams)
And screams (you can put a coma there to refer to the screams or a period to make it a new sentence.) Such violent screams (if that's the end of the sentence there should be a period)
You try to think, (comma should come before but)
But stop yourself (should have a comma or period)
You're in enough pain already (should have a period)

That's just a suggestion of how to punctuate it, you can play around with it. Also, if you don't want to, you dont have to caopitalize the first letter of every line, sometimes it doesn't need it.

Still, it's really good.

i thought it was really good. i totally could understand the pain you were feeling and what you were talking about. i could picture it in my mind as if i were there and i was the one feeling the pain. i like the way you write....

Generally, my impression is that you're a very skilled writer, and this is one of your best works. I can definitely relate to this. It feels like you're not telling a poem or a story - it feels like you're telling my poem, or my story. That's the goal in most writing, I feel, to make the reader feel like they're not alone in whatever has happened to them. I like this because it flows smoothly, and as far as I could tell, being the grammar Nazi that I am, there were no spelling or grammatical errors. And of course, I also liked the relatability factor, and the feeling as if you were talking right to me. Great work here, keep it up!

Hi persephoneia,

The title of this poem aptly describes the feeling of the reader when having to trawl through this unfinished, half-baked mess.

Listen to yourself:

You realize you can't,
That everything has changed
And nothing will be the same
Because everything has fallen apart,
Not at the seams,
All nice and neatly,
But torn apart from the middle
With as much pain and rage as there could possibly be

This is just an example, but the critiques here can be applied to pretty much everywhere in the piece. The first problem is that there's no form defined. Right, so... everything has changed. Not only that, but... nothing's the same!

Great, now what is the reader supposed to do other than sit there and wonder what on earth that means? No, tearing at the seams isn't going to cut it. Not only is it heartbreakingly unoriginal, but it doesn't allow the reader to imagine what's being torn.

The main issue here is that you want to stuff emotions down the reader's throat without making them palatable. "pain and rage as there could possibly be". Well, how much could there possibly be? Example? Something from the everyman's personal experience, from history?

No. Instead, you just end there and expect the reader to know exactly what you're thinking of, when all you're doing is being irritatingly vague.

This piece belongs in the diary, not in a work of poetry. Try again, and be sure to define a certain form upon which the reader can base his mental illustrations throughout the piece.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

I liked it a little, but it seemed to run on for days. The amount of commas in this poem makes it seem much, much longer than it is, and makes it harder to read. Overall I think it's an okay poem, just bogged down with all of those commas.