A Dream of Death

Eternal life is such a good lie,
But in the end we all must die.
The life that is lived, has no better meaning,
Than if we were dead, and we all were just dreaming.

In this night of our dreaded woe,
We dream of death up away we go.
We try not to think of how we'll die,
But now and then it makes us cry.

In this hour of our own demise,
We give a frown and hear the cries.
Cuz in this world there is much pain,
And within that which makes us sane.

Eternal life is such a good lie,
But in the end, we all must die.
The life that is lived, has no better meaning,
Than if we were dead, and we all were just dreaming.

hello FireandIce326!
This was a good poem, my favorite part was

Eternal life is such a good lie,
But in the end, we all must die.
The life that is lived, has no better meaning,
Than if we were dead, and we all were just dreaming.

I think that's an amazing stanza! It starts the poem off really well.

However, with every good stanza, there is always a weak one. Yours was:

In this night of our dreaded woe,
We dream of death, up away we go.
We try not to think of how we'll die,
But now and then it makes us cry.

Don't get me wrong, I like this stanza, it just comes off as weaker than the others. The vocabulary is simpler than all the rest, at least I think so.

Overall you have a well written poem here!
-SodapopLunchbox

Hiya! Great poem you have here.

FireandIce326 wrote:Eternal life is such a good lie,
But in the end, we all must die.
The life that is lived, has no better meaning,
Than if we were dead, and we all were just dreaming.

I love this stanza! It is so unbelievably true. Is that an oxymoron? Unbelievably true. However, I think you should take out the commas. When you put the commas in there, you were probably hoping that it would make the reader pause at the indicated places. However, any good reader would pause there anyway. If the commas are not connecting two independent clauses or do not have any grammatical reason that you can think of, then you can most likely drop them.

FireandIce326 wrote:In this hour of our own demise,
We give a frown, and hear the cries.
Cause in this world there is much pain,
And within that which makes us sane.

In the second line of this stanza, you use a comma again. You are connecting two dependent clauses, so a comma isn't necessary. There is no need for the word "cause" here, either. Also, the final line of the stanza doesn't really make sense. I recommend rewording it.

FireandICe326 wrote:Eternal life is such a good lie,
But in the end, we all must die.
The life that is lived, has no better meaning,
Than if we were dead, and we all were just dreaming.

I love the repetition of this stanza. It reminds me of Lewis Carrol's "Jabberwocky."

This is a great poem, and I hope you'll try to make it even greater!

Thank you! I took out the commas. I'm so glad that you guys like it

LIked how you repeated yourself at the end. I liked the poem and I like your username. Keep up the good work!

Hi again.
I really liked this poem, the words all connected very well and each stanza had it's own meaning in a way.
The only criticism i have is that instead of 'Cuz' you could write 'Cause' to show your shorting the word 'Because' nonetheless the poem is so beautifully written, you have a talent at mixing beauty and imagery together, especially when you talk of how we are dreaming of death and you repeated it at the end to create a bigger impact. Well done!

Hello there! This poem seemed to have a lot of emotion behind it and that seems good =). I agree that the first and last stanza was my favorite. Very good writing here! I don't think I could find anything wrong here that I didn't like, so keep up the writing!

Very good poem!

Eternal life is such a good lie,
But in the end we all must die.
The life that is lived, has no better meaning,
Than if we were dead, and we all were just dreaming.

I really love this stanza! It's a great hook at the beginning and well, I just love it!

In this hour of our own demise,
We give a frown and hear the cries.
Cuz in this world there is much pain,Maybe "Cuz in this world there is so much pain."
And within that which makes us sane.I think this line is just a bit confusing..

Okay, I like the first two lines, but I think the last two lines are a bit jumbled. I put my comments in purple

Wow! That was great I have to say. I really liked it, especially the first stanza.

You've really explained your points well without loosing the rhyme and flow of your poem. Thanks for posting such a good piece.

keep writing...

-Chetan