Failure

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jasminebells wrote:Ever feel like you life was screwed?
So you just reverted to being mean and rude

When i read that first stanza I knew I had to review this. I've been through some pretty over the top stuff. And because of it I often find myself rude to people who did nothing to me. You write with a sense of emotion that I like. Keep up the great work.

~TheObserver~

Hello
Bravo! Oh my gosh, what a poem. This is so deep and true. I absolutely love it. And I have the exact same feelings right now and they couldn't be better expressed in this poem. And your rhyming is not tacky at all, I mean , I have seen it all and this is great.

Alone in the dark, everyone left for someone else who shines
Just stuck in the solitude, swirling down in decline

That is my favourite stanza and it really struck me. Amazing stuff hey. I just gave you a standing ovation.

Hi Jasmine! Here to review your program again though I still suck at it and you rock at poetry. Kind of a poetry!

I must say that this was better than the one I reviewed earlier. It had a rhyming scheme and a flow to it, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Ever feel like your life was screwed?
So you just reverted to being mean and rude

Okay so I am not sure if there should your or you? Did you mean that the second person screwed their lies or we feel that our life is screwed?

Tired of people, tired of work
Tired of failure that nearby lurks

Hey these two words rhymed together so perfectly and I loved it!

Feeling so messed up, disappointing those you love
What will you do when push comes to shove?

I was a bit of confused about the second line's meaning but it can just be me!

You've gone too far in, your about to drown
The queen of faults, it is you that deserves the crown

This was a perfect line!

This was superb as I have said before but there's one thing I would like to get clarified. Don't we put full-stops here in poems? I am not confirmed so can you let me know. That's all I have to say! You are a better poet than a writer, though your writing is also a marvel!

Keep writing!

Flying off for now!

Jas bwooooi!
Here to review. Innit.

As you can probably tell, I'm in a weird mood. I apologise in advance.
Now onto your review, my home skillin' biscuit! Bear in mind, my poetry reviews are nothing to sing and dance about. Don't expect anything amazing...

Ever feel like you life was screwed?
So you just reverted to being mean and rude?

I think that a question mark would be effective here. If not, you could just use a period. You definitely need some kind of grammar mark though.

Tired of people, tired of work;
Tired of failure that nearby lurks.

A few grammar marks missing?

Feeling so messed up, disappointing those you love.
What will you do when push comes to shove?

You need a period here.

Constant frowns, ever constant tears.
Someone screaming failure in a voice only you can hear[color=#FF0000].[/color]

Missing grammar marks again. I did like the line that I highlighted in blue though! I like what you are saying in that line.

Wanting just to shut it out,
Parents now silent when all they did here was shout.

It kind of felt as though there was a word missing were I marked 'here'. See what I did there? It did to me, anyway. It sounds like there would be a word like 'before' there. Do you get what I mean?

You've gone too far in, you're about to drown.
The queen of faults, it is you that deserves the crown.

I liked the second line of this! My only comment about it is that I think you should make 'it is' to just it's. I think that the poem flows nicer, like that.

You wish you could take it all back,
but mercy is one thing Father Time lacks.

I liked the second line of this too.

Alone in the dark, everyone left for someone else who shines.
Just stuck in the solitude, swirling down in decline

I thought that these lines were good. My only problem is that I don't quite understand what you're trying to say in the first line. Mind you, that might just be me being dumb.

There's nothing left to say, you've done yourself in.
I always knew failure should be considered a sin.

I like your ending here! Plus, I agree.


Overall

I thought that this was a pretty good poem! It wasn't the best I've ever read, but it definitely isn't the worst. Not by far. I liked the idea of this as a whole, even though I'm not sure exactly what it's about. I'm bad at finding the meaning of poems though, so don't assume it's a bad thing. As I noted, I especially liked some of the lines. For some reason, they were all the second lines, as well. Also, the poem wasn't pointlessly short, but it wasn't annoyingly long either.

My main critique is about the grammar. Many writers aren't aware of this, but poems need just as much grammar as stories and novels do. Without the correct grammar in a poem, the flow of the poem can get awkward and rather annoying to read. The same goes for stories and novels. In my opinion though, the flow of a poem is even more important than the flow of a story. To me, the flow of a poem more or less makes the poem. Without the correct grammar, the flow isn't so good. Therefore, not giving the poem the love it truly deserves. Aww... love. I'm not saying to abuse your poem with commas or anything, I'm just saying to be more careful. What I noticed was the fact that you miss out periods quite often. Especially at the end of lines. Remember though, you don't need a grammar mark at the end of every line. Only at the end of every sentence. Do you understand what I mean? Sorry if I'm being a bit unclear.

My only other critique is about showing and telling. You're doing an awful lot of telling, but not much showing. You're telling us what happening, but you're not really showing us what is happening. I'm pretty certain that there are some threads around YWS that give advice on showing and telling. You just need to practice a bit, that's all. The other thing I'd like to mention is imagery. You're not really showing us readers any images in our heads. This kind of comes under showing and telling. For example, what do you think is more effective?



I'm aware that I suck at anything poetic, especially when I make it up as I'm going along, but you get the idea? The second one is best because it makes the reader imagine what is going on. Or at least, that's what it's meant to do. By using adjectives, simile's, metaphors, personifications e.t.c, you'll be able to make your poem much more effective!

Negatives aside, I definitely did like this. It was original, or at least I think it was. It wasn't a cliché'd love poem either, thank God. It was a really nice length and except for some of your missing periods, the grammar was actually rather good! You put all of the commas in the right place, anyway.

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins

Great work emotional and true.
Though I have to say that I do not believe that failure is a sin rather it is the building blocks to something great.
Anyway fine job on this piece and keep writing!
-Dawn

I really enjoyed the last 4 sections. The beginning was not bad. I just think you tried too hard to rhyme. It is pretty good though. Most people your age don't write like that. Pretty emotional. It has a lot of potential.

Hey jasminebells, I like this poem because of the imagery. I only have one critique and that would be in the first line

jasminebells wrote:Ever feel like you life was screwed?
So you just reverted to being mean and rude

The first line should read, "Ever feel like your life was screwed?"

Besides that I'm liking this. I really love this part.

jasminebells wrote:You've gone too far in, your about to drown
The queen of faults, it is you that deserves the crown

Hey jasminebells!

I really liked this poem! It had something new to it that I hadn't read before! I totally understand where this poem is coming from. It was nice a short but didn't flow that well for my liking. Some suggestions that need to be noted are:

Wanting just to shut it out,
Parents now silent when all they did was shout

This part didn't flow well because the second sentence was longer than the first.

Last thing to say, you can't rhyme something that begins with 's'. Example:

You wish you could take it all back,
but mercy is one thing Father Time lacks

I know you can't help it but, it would be better if you could change it in any way. Please check your spelling before you submit!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter