Looking up at the Starry Sky

Looking Up at the Starry Sky


I felt the cold wind and the smell of fresh air.
The birds circling around the dark blue sky,
cold lies as it filled my lungs.
Just by remembering your stunning face,
I know the love we shared is not something to last


As I sat down on the grassy field,
“Where are you, my love?” I asked myself.
Wind carries the answer away from me,
and hopeless tears rolled down my cheeks.
Looking at the starry sky,
Trust, faith and affection for you, fades away.


Heart-brokenness sealed my mind
and the cruel ocean sank my painful heart.
Still the stars showed its bright surface,
imagining I was the helpless moon in the dark sky,
can’t even present my dazzling moonlight.


The abundant stars were looking down on me,
telling me to wake up from a horrible nightmare.
Knowing stars shouldn’t outshine the moon,
like love does with my life.
Just by looking up, I know I’m free to love again.

Hey Yirikko!
I think that this poem was really good. i admit, at first I imagined a poem about the painting starry starry night by Vincent Van Gogh... Ever heard of him?
Anyway, moving onto the actual poem:
I like how there is dialogue, because I never really find dialogue in poems (it's not a bad thing that you have dialogue, it's a good thing!) It's quite poetic in thee language you use, and the way it's set out. I couldn't really find a rythm so maybe you make the syllables different.
Well Done! Keep Writing!
~Tamara
x

Hello there. It's me again. XD

As with your other poem I reviewed, the punctuation is lacking and makes this poem difficult to understand on first read through. You also have tense shifts and a lot of sentence fragments, which make things more confusing. Again, I suggest rewriting the poem in prose format, make sure everything makes sense and sounds natural, and then put it back in poem form.

Another thing I noticed is that you jump between ideas without much transition. It's noticeable in last stanza in particular where you go from stars to hope and love. How are stars connected to hope and love? There's no clear connection.

Other things:

Wind carries the answer all over the settled area

"Settled area" seems so strangely specific. Is it important that we know that the area is populated? Would "Wind carries the answers away from me" work?

Heart-brokenness sealed my brain

This line made me wince. "Brain" is just so anatomically technical, it's completely out of place, especially since you're talking about emotions and such. So, yeah. I suggest replacing "brain" with something else.

This is really nice, I liked it. You describe things really well. Every stanza connects, its really good. I hope you have a lot more like this up you sleeve, because i would be too happy to review it. I hope to see moore of you around YWS

Very great job.

Biffle

Hey Yuriiko! I'm RepublicOfCoter but you may call me ROC! This is my first review of someone who I don't know so I'm a bit nervous.

Now, I don't usually like poems with a sort of happy ending but this was fantastic. It was worded so well I didn't even realize just how happy yet sad it was. I felt like I was in a trance that no one could wake me from, it took me from my room and into this place where I am standing a couple of metres away from the person.

I have to completely agree with tam_ara's comment-it did make me think of the painting starry starry night by Vincent Van Gogh. It was as if you re-painted it with words! The only thing that I personally don't have a problem with is that your lines in your stanzas are of a longish length to what other poems I have read-other people might see that as a bad thing but not me. I see that a line could be of any length as long as it works and has some relevance.

Before I read this, I was inspired to right a collection of poems about the night and day sky. I would love if you could possibly help me in any way by reviewing them after I've posted them-after all, you wrote this amazing poem which I will never forget.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful work with the world and may you keep up the excellent work!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter


The Porpoise can't breath if you stick it in the blowhole

Hi Yuriiko!

Wow, loved this poem (just like all your others). I loved the mix of sadness and then happiness and light shining through in the end, it felt...right. I love the image in my head of the night sky you've describe. I'm going to say something else than what the others said. It didn't make me think of Van Gogh's work at all. I felt this was an entirely different depiction - it was your picture that you created, and not an imitation of someone else's.

Just one little, tiny nit-pick. In this line: "Heart-brokenness sealed my brain" Maybe change it to "sealed my mind", it sounds softer and not too technical, it has a better flow that way. But otherwise, it was smooth the whole way through.

This is my 25th review, so I get my second star! Yay! Thanks for making it a pleasant and happy one. I always love reading your pieces, they're amazing! Best wishes for the future.